This post is my perception, how I felt, what I learned- this is written at a very 'raw' time for me and exposing my heart and experiences to help me grow beyond it.
After our wonderful Honeymoon in Cancun, Lupe and I flew into Houston and headed to our home. Lupe had been on staff for 11 years at the Ministry- so...I was headed off to do the one thing I had said I'd NEVER do when I was younger- going into Full Time Ministry. It was a very large active ministry in Texas: a Bible School during the school year that had retreats for woman/men/youth/kids on the weekends, a youth/kids camp during the summer, and then also had a church. The staff lived on the ministry grounds- which has positive and negative points- just like everything does, I guess.
There is a little more to this that goes back to when Lupe and I first met 11 years before. See, this is the same ministry I went to Bible School with. While at Bible School, I was hired to stay on as Summer Staff for the Camps and honestly hoped to stay on as full time staff after that. A month after I was hired, I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. Considering the VERY intense schedule that summer camp requires (pretty much no days off for 9 weeks and very long days), and all the changes and unknowns (that still scared the crap out of me) diabetes required me to implement and learn- I just felt like it wouldn't be a good decision for me work the summer. I was angry, not because of not being able to stay, as much as I felt that this stupid disease had stolen something from me. So, when I moved out to the camp- it kind of felt a little 'full circle' for me.
SO, when asked "what area of the ministry do you want to work in?" after Lupe and I were married- I told them I didn't think it would be possible for me to do so. The main reason, was that I needed insurance- my medical expenses: doctors, meds, insulin pump supplies,etc.- was to expensive to handle without insurance. Lupe had private insurance, I abruptly found that private insurance wouldn't even consider me to insure! So, I went to look for a job where I could have corporate insurance that MUST carry me- considering my circumstances- this was the wisest thing to do. You also must understand, I am a very opinionated person. I do not expect everyone to agree with my opinions/views, but I DO expect to have the right to express them (respectably, of course). I am also a very organized/methodical person who believes in systems and planning and prefer predictability 9/10 times. For all of those reasons, my wonderful, wise husband thought it would be a good idea for me NOT to work at the ministry. At first, I was a bit frustrated by this- but QUICKLY realized that he was absolutely right!
Although, I did not 'work' at the ministry- I was still expected (required, lol) to be at majority of all functions/meetings or whatever they deemed necessary at the last minute. Depending on the moment/mood/demand- I was okay or not okay with these little/big requirements. I had to stop many times and evaluate my heart/attitude/motives for my reactions or lack of. At times, they were valid and at times they were no doubt straight up rebellious!
I often felt there was no purpose for me being there beyond my title and being another number or body to fill a seat- that's hard when you feel, or rather when you KNOW, you have more to offer. At first, I would buck the system- not in defiance- but out of fighting for my giftings/skills/talents and ME! I no longer had a name, I was introduced as Pastor Lupe's, our Dining Service Directors, Wife- many times my name wasn't even said.
Eventually, I stopped fighting or bucking the system- I just accepted it. I can look back now and see how dangerous that is, when you stop fighting for what you believe in.
But, as for me and my abilities, I was just tired- so I stopped- and a big part of me died when I did. Lupe's job seemed easier- he wasn't having to go into meetings defending me or worrying what truth/opinion/view I was going to express. So, it just seemed the right thing to do- and I sometimes wonder if it was/was not- or if I just failed to find the balance of how to do it. It was 'frowned upon' to express anything except your gratitude and agreement in all situations. If someone asked me about a circumstance, I HAD to defend it- whether I agreed or not. Is that okay? If you defend something that goes against your core values/convictions, is that a lie?
I believe that these circumstances, have a lot to do with where I am today. Is it 'all their fault'? NO! I have to take responsibility. There's 2 sides to every story, and I know there are MANY things I coulda/shoulda/woulda done differently. I can't change/control anyone or anything- I can only change and control me!