Tuesday, May 31, 2011

"When You Don't Understand...TRUST"- It's All In The Plan !

"When You Don't Understand...TRUST"- I believe this is the hardest lesson I've ever learned and am continuing to learn.
I wrote yesterday about abusing my body and reaping the horrible consequences of my actions- that one happened when I was 25 until I was 27. It was beyond a difficult time: I was not able to work, had to move back in with my parents, was on a first name basis with the hospital/doctors/nurses (I was there more than I was home), had to give up my car.  The final blow was when I had to go on disability- at 25 I was on disability- all time low!  I couldn't go out much- and when I did it was short, sweet, and exhausting- I remember having to ride in the little scooters at WalMart and the grocery store (crashing at every corner). At times, that was even to exhausting and I would pass out. My mom would even have to help bathe me because I was to weak. Anyway, you get the gist- it was a very horrible/humbling/difficult time.
When the doctors told me they doubted I'd EVER be able to have children (although that was way off in my future), it hit HARD- growing up I always said I just wanted to be a mommy ( more on that in another post).
Ian, an incredible young man.
BUT, I did get better!! It was a huge deal the day I began eating more than 500 calories, and finally gained enough weight to get rid of the size 10 little girls clothes I'd had to wear. I still deal with severe nerve damage in my body and also deal with some other repercussions of my poor decisions. Although doctors and specialist said that I would have to be medicated to deal with these issues forever- I only had to take them for 3 years. The only medication I continue to take today is Insulin.
Eventually, I began looking for the 'silver lining' in this whole mess as I began healing up. Good MUST come from every situation, right? Well, I decided 27 years old was a great time to go to college!  It meant I was going to have to live on campus (eek!- although that gave me some of the best friends I still have today) and get accepted- made me very vulnerable. As scary as it was, I did it and changed my life! I was accepted into Southeastern College/University. Although, I didn't finish my degree- I hope to one day do that- I did finish just short of 3 years towards my Elementary Education Degree. I learned so much, some a learned in the classroom and even more I learned about me.
While at school- I became a candidate for an insulin pump- which I've been on ever since (even have a continuous glucose monitor now that checks my blood sugar every 5 minutes) that has given me such a better quality of life. I also became trained and began working with Autistic Children- which I have a major passion and heart for now- a young man named Ian changed my life!
You know, when I went to college- as a STILL single woman- I decided I was going to live my best life and accomplish dreams that I wanted to while I still could! I became VERY content with being single and that I DID NOT need a man on my arm to make me complete.  I had suffered more heart ache and made bad decisions because of men- and I wanted to go beyond it all! Well, about 2 years later- wouldn't you know it- my prince charming appeared! Not ever like I thought he would, could, should! I'd always dated the same type of guy and found myself not looking beyond that stereotype- which, to quote Dr. Phil, "..wasn't working for me.." (obviously).
I had this great friend from when I was in Bible School in Texas- he was on staff as the chef/director. He and I had been great friends when I was in school- I never thought of him as much more- you see, Lupe was a big biker long haired bearded Mexican. Really, he was one of the most gentle, compassionate, Godly men I'd ever met- you know, like a toasted marshmallow- all intimidating on the outside and all soft and gooey on the inside! About 10 years after I'd graduated (when kept in and out of touch over the years), I was on the computer one day when he IM'ed me. I gave him my number, he called me the following night and we talked every night from then until he flew to Florida to see me 3 months later . Before we left for the airport, he proposed (wasn't planned)- I said yes. One year later I married my best friend, and moved to Texas. My life is so complete with Lupe in it, I can't even imagine what it was like without him.
I always imagined I would of been married with kids before I was 25- WOW was I wrong and so glad I was! God threw my plans out the window (in a very unconventional way), and I was married at the age of 30 (almost 31). I tell Lupe, "I love you more today than yesterday and more and more with every tomorrow", 6 years later (May 21) that couldn't be more true. Even in some of the trying times we're walking through- I wouldn't change a thing!
Would I have chosen this process? NO! Did I enjoy the process? NO! But, I am so grateful that I trusted even though I did not (do not) understand- because look where the journey has brought me!

1 comment:

  1. I used to think, "If I hear that phrase 1 more time I'll freak!" you make me think of it in a whole different way. Ahhh, I feel better now. Think I'll read your blog again.