My Mommy Doesn't Love ME......

"My Mommy Doesn't Love MEEE....." I listened to Tenly scream for what seemed like forever.

Yep, it was one of those days today. One of those days that just hurt and made me question all of my carefully thought out "strategic parenting".

It hasn't just been today, it has been several days...toooo many days of struggling to hear respect in her voice, following directions, listening the FIRST time, and of course climbing the Mt. Everest of homework. I have even began to hear Tenly raise her voice to me and stomp her foot....more than once!!

There is veteran Moms reading this, chuckling as they remember and they (and their children) are still alive to report survival on the other side of "The 6 year old battle of the minds.." And, I am taking comfort in picturing those of you doing just that (so please tell me that someone is!?).

I know I have written similar posts of these frustrations before. But, today I just seemed to have been derailed as I cried in my bed over what seemed to be defeat, frustration and surrender all balled up together. Mind you, I have not been quite the "model Mom" in my responses to my beautiful sassy daughters outbursts- so you might as well add Mommy-Guilt to that ball while we're at it. I have never been much of a yeller, but at times it feels like an alien has taken over as I hear my voice shrieking, "Are you kidding me? Did you really just do that...?"

I had, what I thought to be, a GREAT idea! It was a beautiful day in South Florida, 70 degrees and not a cloud in the sky, a perfect day to do homework out back on the water. I though this was brilliant enough to take any negativity out of homework and make Tenly forget how tired she may be.

After treading gently through the spelling practice test with gentle encouragements, we made it. Then we approached practicing her vocabulary words, Tenly began to detach herself from even the thought of trying. I don't know if Cinderella herself could of gotten a different outcome! Actually, scratch that...she would have gotten a perfect outcome! Come to think of it, anyone and everyone but ME would have gotten a perfect outcome.

After several chances (too many, consider one chance sufficient in my book), she was sent back inside to be disciplined.

I am a tired Mom. I am tired of fighting with my 6 year old. I am tired of over-analyzing my parenting skills/methods and tired of changing them. I am tired of making Tenly cry, and I am tired of crying. I am tired of being the wearing the red horns with matching red pitchfork surrounded by flames, while Daddy flies in the clouds with the angel wings and halo.

But, that's also what makes me a Good Mom. I care enough to continue to question everything and change it. That I care enough about raising good respectful kids that I am willing to be the bad guy and "make" them cry. That I still hurt when I see my kids cry, whether it's because they have fallen, had their feelings hurt, or are being disciplined by their mean Mom.

My heart still hurts and I still have a million questions rolling around in my head. My day with my girls is coming to an end very soon, I pray that my heart and Tenly's heart both feel better when it does.

God, continue to give me wisdom and help me to grow, listen, make changes, capitalize on being right and admit when I am wrong. I have already proven that this is one job I cannot do without my God and today I have needed Him more than ever.

Dreams and Prayers..

Dreaming...for my kids.

I think every parent wants to be able to give/provide everything for their children that they want/have need of.

Right now, the main thing my girls want is to go to Disney World. This is something that is a want- definitely not a 'need'- but a something that every child should have the opportunity to experience (Not sure Disney sees it this way with their prices.). It will happen....one day.

Besides Disney, I dream of my girls playing sports, dancing in ballet classes and recitals, being involved and confident in school and going to college. Our family is under some "budgeting constraints" at the moment, which are preventing some of these extras; sometimes that hurts this Momma's heart.

But, as I watch my oldest daughter struggle to find her "voice" while in school and overcoming fear, I find myself focusing my dreams...I mean prayers, on different things.

My girls will know God's Word for themselves to be true and powerful. Psalms 19:10

My girls will feel and know the confidence that comes from being a Child of God. 2 Timothy 1:7

My girls will be leaders. Romans 12:2

M girls will do what is right because it is right. Psalms 25:21

My girls will show God's love to each other and those around them. 1 Timothy 4:12

My girls will pursue the call and purpose that God has placed over their life. Psalms 138:8

I have struggled with confidence for much of my life and it has caused me a lot of pain and prevented me from pursuing many dreams- I refuse to watch my girls walk that road. That not only means that I have to declare these scriptures over them but also over myself. I hate to think that there are things they have seen in me that may be playing into their lack of confidence- but that is the reality.

The things that I want my girls to experience that are attached to monetary can bring them some smiles, fun and teach them some things- but I am quickly realizing that those things hold a strong second place in comparison to that list I just made.

We have always prayed scriptures over our children, but there is an even stronger emphasis being placed on doing so. I found myself so focused on all of the things we just can't do for our girls right now and it really had me down. Then one day after we had spoken with Tenly's teacher, it was as if the clouds parted and I was given a revelation of where I needed to focus my energy right now- not on what we can't do but on what we can do. To be honest, my girls need my prayers right now more than anything else and that is something I am extremely good at.

I have hung scriptures beside my girls beds, I want them to see first thing in the morning and before they close their eyes at night to know that according to 2 Timothy 1:7 "God has NOT given them a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-discipline."

More of YES!!

"Just a minute.." 

"Hold on.." 

"Maybe later.." 

"In a little bit..." 

"Wait a minute..."

"Not now.." 

Just a plain simple "NO!"

These are all responses that I feel have been coming out of my mouth TOO much lately. I am thinking that "Yes" has been used less and less as a response to my girl's requests.

I mean, sometimes all of my first responses are necessary and valid. I am cooking dinner, in the middle of a conversation or meeting a deadline. You know, the times that they seem to make the requests just as you begin working on something or talking to someone.

But, there are many times that I am able to put down whatever I am doing and make doing a puzzle, reading a book, coloring or watching a movie while cuddling a huge priority! But, regrettably me and my less than perfect Mommy self has been saying everything but, "Yes!"

You hear Mom's with older kids and Grandmothers tell us all the time, "Enjoy these moments..", "Make memories..", "Spend time with your kids, everything else will still be there tomorrow.."

As true as these statements are, it is many times harder than that- at least it is for me. Even though it may difficult to stop in the middle of something- I still need to do it. My kids must know that they are more important than laundry, cleaning, phone calls and projects. There are times that they will have to wait, but that should be the "norm".

I have taken the first step in recognizing that my kids deserve better, and I am missing out on HUGE moments and memories by making excuses to do other things. But, it doesn't do any good to recognize the problem if I am not going to take the steps to change it.

I am determined to make "YES!" (And an excited "YES!" not a mediocre forced one) a very common word that comes out of my mouth to my girls.

All I have to remember is what a miracle those 2 precious girls are to me. When I think back to those doctors declaring that my girls would never even be here, it becomes easier to allow the word "Yes" to readily roll out of mouth enthusiastically.

Ephesians 5:15-16"Be very careful, then, how you live- not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity.."

PS: I finish writing this after a rough "meltdown" night with my oldest...well considering it's still going on a bit it's still not "after". Rough night at the Garica Casa.  

Mommy Confession: Callie, Diet Coke Made Me Cry!

My beautiful friend Callie, Mom of 3, is giving us a "Mommy Confession today! I met Callie while living in Texas, while we were both on staff at the same ministry.
Callie is one amazing Mom, for many reasons you will have the opportunity to read about. She embraced me with open arms after I was newly married in Texas and new pretty much...no one! Callie is a woman of The Word, and a beautiful example of a Godly woman, wife and mother. I hope you gather a lot of wisdom from her daily walk....

Is it so hard??? I sit home with these three babies all day and my reward; the only reward I ask for is a large diet coke, that’s it! My house is dirty, and I DETEST a dirty house- I need a Diet Coke. But I am strapped to the couch with a baby on me, I feel like I should have a sign on me that says “baby on boob”.

When I do finally get the house clean like I like it, they all have to eat again. There go the dishes, floors & laundry. And speaking of laundry…who needs this many clothes- we should have one outfit per day! Why does this laundry stack never go away?

Oh and Hi you!!! You are the love of my life and I miss being with you but “make love…I can’t even think of It.”, my house is filthy, my kids are fussy, I am feeling fat and cranky. I just want a diet coke but we have none and you have the car at work. Why oh why????

Hi, that is I; Callie Scott, and just recently I have given an award winning performance as the most dramatic sounding stay home mom. Sad thing is, it isn’t verbatim but very much how a recent fall apart moment of mine sounded.

You see in June I gave birth to our little boy Malachi. In 2.5yrs, Malachi is our 3rd child. Yes, 2.5yrs & 3children is correct. If any mother knows the emotions that follow having a child as you are figuring stuff out, add to that a 1yr old throwing fits and cutting molars and a 2yr old discovering himself, his voice, his limits annnddddd cutting molars- and that would be what I do daily.

I’ll be the first to say the first 10wks of my sweet little boys life, I have not quite been the woman resembling grace and poise, but rather of emotion exhaustion. Now please let me state early on, I know I am not the only woman who has had 3 children, or 3children all 1yr apart…but, I have simply not handled it so gracefully.

My husband, Dereck, and I met at the ministry we both attended Bible College at and eventually joined staff with. We dated for a year, engaged for 6mos & then married on Dec 15, 2007- the most perfect day, 5yrs this coming December.

We wanted to start our family early so we set the date to start trying after two years of marriage. Well, by the time we celebrated our 2yr anniversary we had a 5day old beautiful baby boy, my pride and joy for sure!

15 months after that, we welcomed our little beauty and they have since have become best friends and she is a Daddy’s girl.

And now, 15 months after her…our wonderful sweet baby boy has arrived.

I am absolutely in love with my family. I love laughing every day with them all.

 As a teenager, I became very independent and self-sufficient- which can be a good thing. I thought it was a good thing that I had brought my independence into our marriage- but I realized it wasn’t helpful to my husband. This realization took place after we had our oldest son, Maddox, and we moved away and did not have family close by. Dereck wanted and needed a wife who needed him and not one who would be just fine without him.

The last two years of being away from all we have known and around people who are all too busy to with life (and understandably so), I have had absolute no one to lean on but Jesus and my husband. I have learned how to be not completely “needy”, but certainly reliant on his help. I have certainly learned that we are each other’s helpmates. Moving away from family was a fabulous thing, however, I would be lying to say that it does not and has not
presented some great challenges.

After our baby girl was born, my husband accepted another job in full time church work as we had already stepped out for a few years. We were hesitant but excited, moving to another city further away from family and kicked it in full gear. I was home all day and several nights out of the week with a one year old and newborn- to be quite honest, I was lonely.

I was cleaning house all day, dinner was prepped and I was craving some adult time. So, I started working part time at a grocery store and loved it. My baby weight was falling off, and I began feeling beautifully sassy again. Apparently, a whole lot “beautifully sassy”, because we found out just a few months later that we were pregnant AGAIN.

Oh my dear Jesus! To put it plain and simple, I felt like I was becoming exactly what a wonderful mentor referred to me as recently- A HUMAN PEZ MACHINE!

 WHY? is the question in many people’s mind. Why would you have kids so close together and with no family around?

My wonderful best friend and hubby is 6 years older than I, he wanted his youth and vigor with our children while they are young. Sure we have wondered where money was coming from, where dinner would be coming from, where sleep was coming from…but we serve a BIG GOD and He has never let us down.

While pregnant with my 3^rd, it came time for me to take maternity leave to prepare for our new baby. We were without my extra income, so my new treat became the simple satisfaction of a Dr. Pepper or Diet Coke- large from McDonald’s (after the baby, just diet coke). What can I say…I am easy to please and we pinch pennies.

We are down to 3 full months now being at home, 9wks of missing intimate moments with my hubby, 8wks with our new addition and a solid day of fussy babies- and NO access to a Diet Coke.

All I could do was cry, that’s right…I cried. All I wanted was the fizz of carbonation in the back of my throat. I wanted close my eyes and escape for a moment enjoying every sip. Normally, Dereck would bring me home one at lunch- but this day, he was playing basketball and we only have one vehicle. Even if I had had my precious Diet Coke, my 8wk old was fighting sleep and my other two were running a fever and were cranky from cutting 1 & 2yr molars….I would not have been able to enjoy it.

I was an emotional mess for almost 36hrs and though I know the root was exhaustion, it stemmed from my Diet Coke. Please tell me I am not the only one and someone else has been there!

We Are Different, and It's Okay!

Attachment Parenting, Instinctive Parenting, Helicopter Parenting, Permissive Parenting, Authoritative Parenting, Authoritarian Parenting, Indulgent Parenting..

Which is right, and which is wrong? Which is effective, which is ineffective?

It's not a matter of right or wrong, effective or ineffective- it is a matter of what is right and effective for your family.

Recently, a friend of mine made a statement on Facebook declaring her hate of the "BabyWise" method of parenting and pointed out that parents who chose that style were ignoring their child's needs/wants.

I kind of chuckled to myself when I read it, because one of my friends' best traits is her honesty and passion for what she believes. Even though, I did incorporate many of the "Baby Wise" methods into my parenting when my children were young, I understand that it isn't for everyone.

It has been just through the last few months, since I did the "Mommy Confessions" series on this Blog, that I began to understand that what works for one does not work for another. I use to be so judgmental about how others parented, especially when it was different from myself- but I began to realize that I don't know their story, their reasons- so how can I make a judgment.

The comments that began to be made under my friend's statement about BabyWise really started to bother me:

 "..Baby boot-camp..", "..It's a baby, not a dog..", "..completely selfish, detached way of parenting..", "..easier on the parents, not the baby..", etc..

I could not believe that these Moms were all labeling me, and many other wonderful Moms' I know, such horrible judgmental things.

I suddenly felt the need to justify my decisions and explain my "why" behind the "what". But, I really felt it was pointless. I know I am a great Mom- not perfect- but great. Are there things I would do differently? Absolutely! Have I made mistakes? Absolutely! Do I have regrets? Yes, I do. But, am I a great Mom in-spite of those things? YES, I am!

I didn't create a schedule/routine with my girls that worked around me and my needs/wants, I worked very hard to make sure that anything I needed to do was around their sleeping and eating times. We were all happier when I could predict them and they could predict me. There were many things that I chose not to do so that I did not disrupt my girls needs/wants, I do not think that is the definition of selfish.

Why can't we embrace parents and their methods of raising children whether we agree or disagree? I am not talking abusive situations; I am talking just different approaches.

I know more parents that co-sleep than those that do not- it is not for my family- but that's okay; we are both 'right' because it is what works for us.

My kids are on a great routine that works for us. Many families have no routine at all, and that works for them.

Some parents use cloth diapers, that is NOT for me- but kudos to all of you who are able to!

Working Mom vs. Non-Working Mom. Public School vs. Homeschool vs. Private School. There is not a right or wrong, it is what works for each individual family.

I breastfed my kids and loved every minute, but it is not for some and others literally cannot do it. Some Mom's breast feed their kids until they are 3-4-5 years old. I think that's a bit outrageous to breastfeed that long, but it is their choice.

I made all of my girls baby-food, many of my friends thought I was crazy for doing so- and I'm okay with that!

Yes, I did allow my kids to cry it out at times (and still do), my girls are okay and so are Lupe and I- we could handle it. Many parents cannot allow their kids to cry it out for various reasons; I applaud them for going with their gut and raising them with the convictions and standards that they have. I refuse to think that I am an abusive Mom (and Lupe, an abusive Dad) for parenting with our convictions and standards.

It was so sad to hear Mom's degrading others who had opposing parenting methods, especially to the point of labeling them selfish and detached.

Let's just respect the differences- I am still growing in this area- but I am more determined than ever to not ever let another Mom feel the way I did after reading much of that last night. 

The Clock Is Not My Friend...

Can I share with you my latest challenges? I am TIRED! I don't know who is more tired at the beginning of the school year, me or my girls? Let me explain my day....

6:30am- Wake girls up to get dressed, brush teeth and make beds.
6:45am- Breakfast and devotions.
7:00am- Shoes on and fix hair, relax with any additional time.
7:30am- Leave house.
7:50am- Drop Tenly at school.
8:00am- Drop Lupe off at work.
8:25am- Back home. Begin To-Do list- watch Today Show in between (HA!).
9:15am- Gianna's snack.
10:00am- Brianna arrives (Little girl I babysit).
11:00am- Gianna eats lunch, Brianna eats lunch.
11:15am- Take Gianna to school.
11:30am- Brianna's nap.
12:00pm- I eat lunch. After lunch, continue To-Do list.
2:15pm- Pick Gianna up from school.
2:30pm- Pick Tenly up from school.
3:00pm- Girls eat snack.
3:30pm- Homework and Reading quiet time.
4:30pm- Start dinner, girls clean up any messes.
5:00pm- Eat dinner, feed Brianna.
5:15pm- Bathe Brianna.
5:30pm- Bathe Girls.
5:45pm- Leave to pick Lupe up.
6:00pm- Pick Lupe up from work.
6:30pm- Home, clean kitchen, Brianna picked up (except late nights, I keep her until 8:30-9:00).
7:00pm- Girls snack time.
7:25pm- Girls in bed.
7:30pm- Lights out for girls, finish straightening house and tying up loose ends.
8:00pm- Hopefully by this time I am collapsing on the couch relaxing with Lupe- if I'm lucky!

I like to be in bed by 10:00 when that is possible (which is happening less and less). 

Obviously, one of our biggest difficulties is having one vehicle- which is why I often feel like a taxi service- but I am so thankful for that one vehicle that I try very hard to stay positive about it despite the challenges.

I absolutely love Blogging, although my "Hot Momma's of Broward County" Blog takes a pretty good amount of time trying to keep all of the South Florida activities and events listed. I am in the midst of trying to  figure out the best way to balance out my Blogs with everything else (the reason I have not been able to update this one as frequently the past 10 days).

After looking at this crazy Monday - Friday routine, I can understand why I have had no problem falling asleep at the end of my day lately.

Next week marks the third week of school, and I am trusting my mind, body and soul are going to more adjusted and accepting to our new routine! My friend Joanne and I are going to start rotating drop off/pick ups with our girls (they are in the same class at school), and I know that will take a good half hour off of my afternoon routine.

Has anyone else had challenges like this? Are you as tired (or more) than your kids? If anyone has any advice, it is greatly taken and appreciated!

The Good Moms

One of The Good Moms.....(RePost)

"Okay, I might as well put it out there: I AM one of the GOOD MOMS!

That’s right, along with the many other Mom’s out there potty training, wiping up spills from “non-spill” sippy cups- (can anyone say FALSE advertisement?!), changing diapers, having sleepless nights, reading the same book 10 times, chauffeuring the whole family, balancing 4+ peoples schedules- WE are The Good Moms!

I am talking about myself and the millions of other Mom’s who put everyone and everything else before them.  Who constantly feel ourselves in a tug-a-war between our relationship with God, marriage, children, time, work, and the overcoming feeling of guilt when we dare to have a little “Me Time”! How many times have we neglected ourselves striving for “Mommy Perfectionism”? Ahhh, but yet we STILL…are The Good Moms!

UN-Perfect Christmas Pic

As I awake daily to my incredible job, as a Mother to my wonderful girls, Tenly and Gianna, - I have no exact job description, no exact manual….and no time allotted learning curve to master it all. I fail as many times, if not more times, than I succeed. One thing I am forever grateful for- is God’s Grace-in spite of my constant tug-a-war- His Grace is why I am still one of The Good Moms.

I mean, come on- let’s be real here! I, and all other Mom’s, must admit we are not perfect Women or perfect Mothers. Like, skipping a shower, or getting to work and realizing I, or my kids, forgot to brush their teeth, or put on deodorant! Have you ever walked into the bathroom at church and looked in the mirror to realize that you having hairs growing off your chin or your need to bleach your upper lip- or maybe your hair resembles a skunk with the gray stripe down your roots. I would much rather rejoice over a great pedicure rather than the fact that my husband is out in ironed clothes! But, despite my un-pedicured toes- I’m still one of The Good Moms.

Fixing the dress with a glue gun!

What about all of our secret mommy confessions? You know! Like- think back to when your kids were babies- past or present- do you remember “not noticing” your child’s dirty, sagging diaper so your husband would be the one to have to change it? Who’s done the unforgivable thing of letting Disney Jr. or PBS babysit your kids? Here’s a classic, skipping pages or rewriting your kids long books? Who writes children’s books with 5 paragraphs on a page anyway? Of course you come to church to grow in God, but who would admit that occasionally it’s the only peaceful time in a week that your kids are in a safe environment with someone else besides you! Guilt and all, still we are The Good Moms!

I was thinking recently of “SOME day”- the day I will do some AMAZING things, like… “SOME” day, I’ll go back to the gym faithfully and get all of my body parts back where they should be! “SOME” day, I’m going to take a dream vacation to Hawaii! “SOME” day, I’m going to finish my degree. “SOME” day, I will have time for everything. “SOME” day, I will get a pedicure again. “SOME” day, I will get a full body massage. “SOME” days- will come faster than others. BUT, on THIS day- I’m going to watch my 5 year old walk into Kindergarten all by her self and my 3 year old discover that she can swim under water. I’m going to watch these 2 precious girls, who started out as 6lbs 3oz and 7lbs 6oz, I am going to stare at them in total awe of the beautiful miracle that they are and I am going to think, “My GOD, THIS is amazing!”

Yes, I am A Good Mom.

I struggle with feelings of guilt and unworthiness and disappointing others. The house doesn’t look perfect enough, the ironing is building up, I haven’t read my girls enough books, my dinners should be more spectacular and healthy, I shouldn’t of bought myself that pair of shoes, I should of prayed longer today, I haven’t read my Bible enough. My list could go on forever. Aren’t you glad that others do not see us the way we see ourselves. Why do I focus on these things instead of capitalizing on the gifts, talents, and abilities God has given me?

How do we, as Mothers, forget about ourselves-we always end up lost in the shuffling of schedules and people- we are not a priority?  But, I’m reminding myself, and anyone who will listen, that taking time for ourselves as Mothers and Women makes us better Moms, Wives, and Friends!
                                      

Balance- WOW, what a word- it means “An even distribution of weight enabling someone or something to remain upright and steady. To keep or put (something) in a steady position so that it does not fall.” Easier said than done, right? Schedules, kids, toys, meals, church, soccer, ballet, dance, gymnastics, family, school, doctors, groceries, laundry, cleaning, ironing, friends, work, bills, budget, marriage, dates, your “love” life (or lack there of)…Balance and Priorities!

A Good Mom- That’s ME! 

We celebrate our children’s triumphs, anticipating every milestone, and struggling to document EVERY memory so that we never forget them. Isn’t it amazing how instant the love for our children is? Before we even see them, and feel this little alien moving inside our bodies, we love them. Then the doctor hands them to us as soon as they leave our bodies, and this overwhelming, unconditional love, that is almost impossible to explain, instantly grips us upon looking into our child’s eyes for the first time. If you think about it, it’s a perfect reflection of Christ’s love for us.

I am A Good Mom- my heart aches with love for my children, and knowing I’m their first teacher, example, and primary role model, brings out wonderful God-given qualities in me like patience, kindness, faith, trust, and empathy. Because being Tenly and Gianna’s Mother has made me want to be my very best self- the Woman and Mother- God has called and challenged me to be- not just for my girls, but for myself too. Yes, I will continue to make mistakes. I will get angry and yell at times, and have to go back and ask for forgiveness. I will serve “lazy dinners” to many times, and even keep my girls up a little later than I should because I just want to hold them a little longer or because I am completely oblivious of the time. I will make wrong choices and struggle to find balance. But, I will always strive to demonstrate and teach the Love of God in all I say and do. I will bring my girls to the House of God, I will teach them the Power of Prayer, I will demonstrate a Godly Loving Marriage, and I will teach them the Word of God, and surround them with Godly People. BUT, here I am the good, the bad, and the ugly…………….

I AM a Good- NO- I am a Great, Loving, and Spectacular, and Above Average Mom!"

The Drama Queen Has Taken Stage...

Here in South Florida, we are back in school! Tenly is going into first grade and Gianna is beginning PreK (only 3 hours a day).

About a week before school began we went back to rigid 7:30 bedtimes and began going over our "Morning School Routine". The girls wake up around 6:30, potty, brush teeth, make their bed, get dressed and then we all eat breakfast together while we have our morning devotions.

Monday morning arrived and just as I was about to get out of my bed a little before 6:00- two perfectly dressed little girls greeted me as I sat up...WAY to early!

Typically I may have sent them back to bed until 6:30, but they were so excited and proud that they had already completed everything on their schedule...I was quite proud as well.

They have continued to do this every day this week, although not quite as early, that is until today.
You want to talk about DRAMA...not only can I give you drama, I can give you a drama QUEEN: Tenly Maria! And to make it worse, I had to have some fasting blood work done...that means I had to endure the said drama coffee-less- that is never a good thing!

The day started with a change of mind about her clothes that was communicated very dramatically, a little to dramatically for her to get her way. She was sent back to her room to continue her routine privately out of my sight.

We then continued to breakfast. She informed us she did not want bananas in her cereal- but for some reason her Dad was suppose to understand that she was only saying that because she was mad about her clothes and should of given them to her anyway.

As Lupe began to talk about the devotion we read out of the Bible, she found it necessary to dramatically say, "I know!" to everything he said.

Of course, by this time- she has had way too much grace and chances and I was trying to stay out of the way because I could feel my annoyance rising and I was about to take my place on that drama stage.

From that point on, Tenly was mad if her sister spoke or even looked at her for any reason at all. Everything I asked her was answered with a sigh, grunt and the one thing that drives me crazy- the rolling of the eyes- WHERE does a first grader get this stuff??!!

I hit the limit while trying to fix her hair- she was disciplined.

I am proud that I held my patience to that point; my grace usually does not extend that far (God has really been working on my heart in those two areas). I just hated to send her to school right after disciplining her- what a horrible way to start the day. I was also very aware that she was adjusting to the long days and new schedule and was tired.. Although those are all reasons for her behavior, it did not excuse it and it was not okay.

After I disciplined her, she was in the bathroom and I was sitting there hating how that morning had gone and wishing I could rewind it. Who wants to send their child into school after crying all morning?

My heart sank as she came out of the bathroom and literally collapsed into my arms, sobbing, telling me she was SOOO sorry.

I gripped onto her as tight as I could about to fall off the edge of my emotions. It was horrible morning, but I was so proud that she took responsibility for her actions and said sorry all on her own. As she walked out the door with her Daddy she was smiling and Mommy was left holding back tears.

The dreaded back to school adjustment period is beyond tough. Praying that this year it is shorter than it was last year. Also praying that tomorrow morning comes drama-less....

Mommy Competition(s)

School! The kids are heading back to school next Monday! I am so ready for predictability and a schedule. Tenly will be starting 1st grade and Gianna is starting VPK (Florida PreK) for 3 long hours a day. Not sure how it is going to feel to be without both of them 5 days a week for a few hours- although I am excited to find out. I also love that Tenly has to wear uniforms this year, no more tug-a-wars over outfits and shoes. I am looking forward to these parts.

What am I not looking forward to? 

- The outrageous amount of money to spend on school supplies.

$$PART of the school supplies$$

- The adjustment period for them (averaging 3-4 weeks). You know, they come whiny and tired- pretty much- FRIED! 

- Me losing control- again! I hate not being there to watch and protect their every move as much as I am excited to have them safely out of sight and independent.

- *Learning all of the "new" systems and procedures and people and kids.

- *Being "evaluated" and on display.

Okay, now I will get to the point of all of that.

*Those last 2 I mentioned are the ones that I, as a Mom, hate the most- it's something that my kids must face but it is also something that I face (and I am sure I am not the only one...I hope!).

As most know, I HATE the unknown- change repulses me. That is one of the reasons I am HATING that both of my girls are in new schools this year and I am going have to relearn all of the new systems/procedures: drop-off, pick-up, volunteering, PTO, office staff, teachers, pretty much everything!

I had a horrible situation last year that is haunting me this year. First day of Kindergarten for Tenly, I was both excited and terrified for her and could not wait to pick her up. I felt pretty good about the pick-up procedures, it had been explained and I even asked additional questions to clarify. I felt good until I arrived and something just wasn't making sense- it did not seem like the car line should of been THAT long! I sat in the line anxiously waiting and checking the clock. 

Then, my cell phone rang- it was Tenly's teacher asking where I was...I am IN this CRAZY long car line! She informed me I was in the wrong line, to go around all of the cars and into the loop, as I did what she said I was on the verge of tears! How could I screw up that terribly on my babies first day of Kindergarten?????

As I drove up, there she was- the only kid left standing with the Vice Principle alone. I could see both relief and tears as I got up there. Talk about Mommy guilt, and what a great first impression to leave to the administration and teachers! I felt a pretty big "fail" that day.

You better be sure that even if I know nothing else at the first day of school, I will know about drop off and pick up!

On Friday (for Tenly) and Saturday (for Gianna), we have school orientation. I always feel as if I am being evaluated by everyone for everything. How you look, how your kid looks, what you say, what you do, what you don't say, what you don't do, and every move you and your child make is on display for evaluation. First impressions- yuck- to much pressure.

Who wrote the rules and criteria that goes with this "Mommy Competitions" that we all seem to be on at one time or another? It's pretty sad, as much as we all need each other for support we seem to be always try to "one up" each other. I am ashamed to say that I am not innocent, I have done the same thing to other Mom's that I hate being done to me.

As a Christian it sure is not okay to find myself participating on either side of this unproductive "game". What type of example am I setting if I am giving an unfair evaluation and/or trying to display myself correctly for one- which will usually come across as fake. Most important, what am I teaching my girls as they observe this behavior- because believe me- they notice!

My girls do not have to better than any other, nor do I- as long as our focus is where it needs to be, I think we will be okay. I am really trying to display myself as no one else but Tenly and Gianna's Mom that loves them (and others) unconditionally. I want others to see God's love in myself and in my girls and be drawn to that- not pushed away by me trying to measure up or one-up. Isn't this special time supposed to be all about my kids anyway?