Me + New Project= Accountability......

I have been avoiding writing this post. As I am finding myself heading in a new, scary, unknown direction, it is time for me to write about it. The only problem is, my fear of failure. There are not very many people who know about my little project I've been working on- and that has been comforting. If people do not know about it, I will only be considered a failure to myself and a few others IF I do not succeed. On the other hand, if I put myself out there and let everyone know what I'm doing- I am able to accept encouragement, advice, and am allowing to be accountable when the times get rough and I'm discouraged. Is the possibility there that I wont be successful? Sure. Is the possibility there that I  will be successful? Sure.

The things that roll through my mind are questions like: What if people laugh at me for even considering such a task? What if no one believes in me? What if I do all this work with NO success? Am I even able to take on something this big? What if everyone I approach rolls their eyes at me? What if no one helps? What if no one cares? What if this really is a stupid idea and I can't see it and no one tells me??????? The list goes on....

The part that excites me, is that despite those and other questions- I am going to do it anyway. 

For the past 6 weeks or so, I have begun writing a book. Now, let me clarify- not any type of story or anything like that (that truly terrifies me)- but a resource guide. What type of resource guide? I'm so glad you asked!A resource guide for Moms in the South Florida area. Listing everything "Mom's"- from freebies, activities, parks (did you know there about 500+ parks in Broward County alone!), schools, home schooling, mom groups, sports leagues, links, education, etc.

When we moved to this area, I looked for a resource such as this to help us adapt to our new home and area- and didn't really find anything. Thank God I found myself in a Mom's Group at Community Christian Church where the other Mom's were able to recommend doctors, parks, and many things to do in the community and surrounding areas.

Within the last 6 weeks of research, I have discovered SO much stuff in the South Florida area that I am excited to try out and tell other moms in the about.

The literary field is very intimidating and the more I learn, the more intimidated I get- kind of like a Chihuahua being stared down by a Bull Dog. The only thing that qualifies me for this task I am taking on is being a Mom- although that in itself is a lot of qualifications, it still leaves me feeling like I'm drowning and overwhelmed at times.

A wonderful friend gave me some great ideas on some ways to gather more information and put it out there. So, I am going to be starting another blog (as soon as I have an afternoon to get the many pieces together) to tell people about all these wonderful paces I am discovering and laying the ground work to compile the information into a great resource guide.

I am going to ask a HUGE favor....I need everyone possible to follow this blog- even if you don't read it much- pass it along to others after you sign up to follow it! It would really help me as I begin the process of developing a proposal to contact/speak to literary agents and publishers. Please keep your eyes out for the new upcoming "mom blog"- I need you to follow that one, too!!! That's right, I'm resorting to begging.

This blog is going to be changing a bit- I really want to begin telling the stories of other moms and women out there to have a variety of perspectives on many things. So, if you have something that be relevant to another mom or family- message me. I have a whole list of mom's already who I am going to be contacting to give perspectives on things!

Hold me Accountable- I need you to! I can do this- with God's help, and I am going to try my absolute hardest.

Failure

I have let that word control me way to much, "Failure".

Of course, being me, I analyzed it (many times) trying to figure out why I am controlled by a fear of failing. I believe I discovered one of the main reasons it is so hard for me take a chance.

Now, I have always been eager to please, always searching for approval, when you add a situation is viewed as a "fail"- the result is quite a handicap.

Back in 1992 is what I have allowed to haunt and control me. I was in my Junior year of High School, and I had worked very hard that year to pull my GPA up (I had been a lazy student prior). The second part of my Junior year became difficult- at home and church. I pretty much sunk into a depression because of some very difficult situations my whole family- especially my parents, were facing. I have always taken it upon myself to protect my parents, it's kind of comical that I've done that. So, as I watched my parents crushed and crying on every turn- I took it very personally and allowed myself to carry it. Then, after a visit to the dentist, I had an allergic reaction to Demerol. They could not wake me up, after I finally did- I passed out and went into a seizure. They would not allow me back at school without a clearance from the doctor.

Well, these things combined caused me to miss to many days of school (14 days)- which we had to appeal- and were denied (which meant I had to repeat the 11th grade). I remember reading that letter, I sat down and just cried- and then I gave up. It was like I didn't have any more fight left in me- and my parents didn't either. I was so angry, my grades may not have always been the best- but they were that year, and I had never even had a detention or anything. I told my parents I wanted to drop out and get my GED. After many discussions, they agreed- I was pretty adamant and I don't think my parents had it in them to "combat" me.

The hardest part then was, I was terrified to get my GED- what if I didn't pass? I was a pretty good student, but I had to work very hard for my grades- and me and math absolutely did NOT get along. It took me 3 years to finally take that test- which I did pass.

I was 20 years old before I finally got my drivers license. I drove without a license all of that time. Why? I just new I would not pass and could not face that. One day, my friend Jimmy came into my office at work and told me that the following week I was going to take my driving test in his car so we better start practicing. Well, we did and I walked away with my license that day. I was honestly shocked that I passed the test- I really was!

There are so many times that I want to offer advice or give an idea, but am paralyzed that people will think I am stupid. Sometimes I take the chance, but mostly I feel, "..why bother, they aren't going to think it's any good?" I know I am talented in certain area's, but what if I am the only one who thinks so, while everyone else out there feels bad "for the girl who thinks she has talent, but really doesn't".

I became very sick many years ago, as I finally began to recover I took it as the perfect opportunity to go to college- something else I had so desperately wanted but was very fearful of. I really enjoyed it, except for being reminded of how bad I was at math/science, I mean bad- really bad! I finally went to my academic advisor (forever indebted to Dr. Matousik) who personally tutored me. About 3 sessions in, he looked at me and said, "Jenn, you are not stupid, you have a learning disability." He continued to ask if I ever had been tested/diagnosed- I hadn't. It brought me some comfort to have him say this to me, but I also became overwhelmed by the fact that I was again failing.

Opportunity, that is what I often tell others that failure is, an opportunity to learn and do better. Funny that I fail to follow my own advice. I envy the people I know/see, who plunge ahead with the thought to succeed instead of the idea of failing. Not that they are not aware of the risks, but they are not controlled by them, it's worth chancing failure because they are also chancing success- and even if they fail they can value the experience and the education.

About 2 weeks ago, God gave me a great idea. I was so excited about it. But, then I realized that it was going to be like every other "great idea" I've ever had- just an idea. There are many times I have thought of something I'd like to try/do- but then as I weigh it out thinking of the details- I become overwhelmed with the thought that I will just fail- so why try!? In a way, not trying is failure without the option of success.

I began to wonder if I was going to continue following my trend, or if I was going to begin to at least try. It's a big idea- and I'm still trying to figure out the logistics of how to accomplish it. The fact that I am subjecting myself to executives who may look at me and tell me it is not a good idea is overwhelming. BUT, what if after a few "No's" is a "Yes"- who knows, maybe I will get an immediate "Yes".

So, here I am, putting myself out there, subjecting myself to not just failure- but success. It's going to take some work and determination and time- but I am going to try. Many friends will probably get some phone calls from me for advice, help, and encouragement, so this is your warning. I am taking a chance, and am hoping to rediscover many strengths that I have lost along my way.

The Necessary Baggage..

I haven't posted recently because..I couldn't think of what I wanted to write about. I never want to post just to say I did it, if it isn't on my heart, important, or poignant- why put it out there.

I was attempting to fix Gianna's Stringy Blanket last night (which was a joke, considering I do not sew much less crochet/knit! It is fixed though- not correctly- but it's fixed!), and I found myself pondering a message I heard 2 Sundays ago- which I've found myself doing quite a bit.
The Sunday after I was released from my wonderful (*sarcasm*) hospital stay, my face was still looking a bit rough so I decided to stay home from church. When I miss church, I typically watch my former Pastor(s), Bishop Tony Miller (who now pastors The Cathedral in Oklahoma City, OK) online. It so happened, that on this Sunday Bishop was away, so his wife Pastor Kathy was ministering.

Now, Pastor Kathy is a joy to listen to and be around- she is admired by so many as a pastor, mentor, friend, prayer warrior, counselor, worship leader, speaker. I remember way back in the day, when she used to say preaching/teaching was not her thing, the first time I heard her teach was at a women's event at our church. That was the first and last time I heard her teach, so I was pleasently surprised when I saw her take the platform at The Cathedral.

As PK began speaking The Word, it immediately starting taking root in my heart, and somewhat mirrored the "Me, Myself, and Lies" study I have been doing. She began talking about baggage. The baggage that we carry full of our past, our failures, strife, anger, emotions, insecurities, etc. Now, many of us have heard others speak, teach, preach on carrying around unnecessary baggage that we should let go of. We limit ourselves because we are allowing our baggage to dictate to us. Hearing this message reiterated what I already new, and was trying to embrace and activate in my life. But, then she made another point that was a big "Aha Moment" for me.

As she walked around the stage ministering, Pastor Kathy did so lugging suitcases and bags to give a visual of how exhausting it can be. Then she pulled out this other bag that represented dreams, visions, and desires- which is obviously necessary baggage. PK went on to explain, that if your arms are full and overwhelmed with baggage containing past regrets, mistakes, negativity, emotions, anger, and insecurities- you leave no room to carry your dreams, desires, and things you are passionate about.

Our minds are so consumed with junk- that we no longer have room to dream, pursue, and nurture the things God has given us to do. I began to think of things that are often crowded out of mind because I tend to think of all of my past failures and allow that to stop me from trying new things. Sometimes, people can't even see "me" because of all the baggage that stands in front of me- it limits me. Have you, or someone else, ever began to "unload" your baggage onto others because it was getting to heavy and overwhelming. God is the only one who is more than willing to not only take our baggage, but dispose of it.

I've been working on letting go of unnecessary baggage. I now realize, that part of letting go of all that "junk" is giving my dreams room to grow and take root. I am anticipating feeling completely free of excess baggage, as I carry along and chase the real "stuff" God has placed before me.
Thanks, PK!

Reliving The Past......

School never came easy for me. Even when I was in Elementary school, it never was easy for a variety of reasons. One reason was I started young, I have a September birthday, and although the teachers said I was socially above average (even then I was a social bug), I had a difficult time processing the things in my brain in order to communicate them verbally or written.

In the first grade, I had a teacher who was very hard on me. She did not seem to be able to tolerate my need for more or different instruction or direction. I never felt what I did was good enough and began to fear trying because no matter how hard I tried it wasn't good enough.

I believe everyone has the need to be praised and strive to please to some degree- some more than others- and some, like me, too much. So, when I began getting sad faces with tears drawn going down the page on my class work- I would hide them from my parents because I feared disappointing them. I also began to hide my work from my teacher in school because I would rather be in trouble for not having it done or losing it than to chance myself being marked by another sad face. I also feared asking for help, because weakness, or not understanding, was just not okay. That sad face, to me, represented an emotion of disappointment, failure, stupidity, weakness, inadequacy. I'm sure many others who were/are graded with that type of system, it probes them to try harder- which I know that's what it is intended for- but it did no such thing for me. In fact, the exact opposite, it kind of strangled me.

Mom with Tenly

My wonderful mom, has always been very intuitive, she very quickly saw how I was retreating and beginning to give up and recognized the connection it had to school. Some may find it odd and petty that I, and others, would be so strongly effected by something as "simple" as a sad face- but my mom went with that gut feeling- that mom's know so well, and decided she would fight for my self esteem, self confidence, self worth, emotions, and education. She had many meetings with the teacher trying to help her understand that this grading system was having a very bad impact on me. Things changed, but I still dreaded going to that classroom, I honestly remember absolutely dreading it- as a 6 year old. I was held back in the first grade by my parents, and finally began flourishing during my second year in 1st grade with my teacher Mrs. Lay. She went over and beyond the call of duty making sure she would do what was within her power and ability to rebuild what had been crushed. I hope I am able to thank her one day for her kindness and willingness to make a difference, and not do what was easy, but she dig deep to find what would work.

Throughout my life, I have struggled with my self confidence and still do at times. Watching myself strive for attention and being eager to please is not a trait I am proud of. Sometimes, now in my mature 30's, I find myself standing on the side lines refraining from doing something or talking to someone because I fear it will be viewed as desperation or a need for attention. Did some of this stem out of deep rooted things that came from sad faces and humiliation in the 1st grade? Maybe it didn't, but I'm pretty confident it did. You know, I was hurt- just because the mark/scar that was placed on me could not be seen, does not mean it's not there.

I'm reflecting back on these not so pleasant memories because of a little situation we faced with Tenly this past week. I actually put it in my status on Facebook and was taken aback and enlightened on the feedback from it. Tenly was given a sad face, her second one of the year (she, to my surprise, was keeping count)- and her reaction to it scared me and pained me. The pain because it hurts to see your child hurt, and scared me because I feared watching her go through what I did. It pained me so badly to see my child hurt in that way, I had to leave the room more than once to cry myself- I could feel myself reliving it. If she wouldn't have had much of a reaction to it, I would of been proud that she saw it as an opportunity to try harder. But, to my dismay, that was not the case.

Tenly shared with me that at school she cried, was very sad and did not want to go back. (Now, keep in mind, that has never been the case and she adores her teacher.) When I questioned why, she began to cry as she explained she had received a sad face, her second one, and Mrs. C was disappointed and sad with her because she could not try hard enough. I began to encourage her and explained what Mrs. C had intended by giving her that sad face, and that we just needed to continue to try hard. All she kept processing was that Mrs. C was sad with her, and her "smart brain" could not try hard enough anymore.

While doing her homework later, we struggled for her to even put anything on the paper because it might be wrong and if it was wrong she would get another sad face. It got to the point that we left it and have continued to go back and try throughout the weekend, because she just could not get past the fear of a sad face. Mind you, in times past, Mrs. C typically writes "practice at home", "work on this skill", "needs more practice", "keep trying". Tenly has always responded very well to these notes, and embraces continuing to practice or work on whatever skill necessary.

A "You CAN Do It" moment

Many people thought/think I am blowing this out of proportion and making a bigger deal out of it than it is, because I am going to ask for a conference to brainstorm with Mrs. C a more appropriate way of grading Tenly, that will encourage her rather than discourage her. And, maybe I am making a big deal out of nothing, maybe I am reacting out of the fear of what I went through as a child. But, I am going to follow in my wise mother's footsteps and ask God to guide me as I ensure Tenly will have the education she needs to make her successful.

I may be an overprotective, panicky, petty, pain-in-the-butt, erring on the side of caution, Momma- but I can live with those titles for my kids. I would always rather be over cautious than under cautious.

Resolution or No Resolution?

Today is New Years Eve of 2012 (and we are obviously not partying)!! I began thinking about what I was expecting in the next year, which brought me into thinking about New Years Resolutions.  IF I was going to make a resolution, what would it be?? Then I started to wonder, have I ever kept a New Years Resolution? Has anyone? I'm sure there is a percentage who has- but if you weren't going to change it yesterday, what makes you think you'll change it today. Like when people say, "..on MONDAY I'm starting my diet..", well- why not just do it today? Does that make sense? I'm not innocent, believe me- I have made that comment, and more, many many times!
But, there are some things I'd like to change, some things I'd like to accomplish, some things I'd like to improve on, and some new habits I'd like to establish. If I were to put all of those things on a New Years Resolution list, I would go into 2013 a failure- heck, I'd go into March 2012 a failure!

I am only 5 pounds away from my goal weight, so I can't use that one this time (for the first time in 8 years)! I really do want to work on/at something, I am having a hard time narrowing it down- but I must!

For Instance:

• I want to (and have for a long time) run a 5k!!

With all reality, we will more than likely be moving in the next few weeks and with the energy packing, moving, unpacking will take- I don't know if I will have the energy to kick that one off until mid-February or March.

• I want my girls to see my pray and read my Bible.

Not that I don't, but they are typically not around when I do. I think a major impact is made when children visualize (and then imitate) what they see. That's something that I can and will do- but it shouldn't take me making a New Years Resolution to kick that off.

• I've been wanting to do a Biblical Study on the Names of God.

Again, does it really take a New Years Resolution to cause that to  happen? That's something that once I start, it will drive itself.

• I want to start making more individualized time for my family.

Lupe and I can't really afford to do a lot of "dates" lately, but that shouldn't stop us! I need to cook a special dinner/dessert for us after the girls go to bed, or a movie on TV, a game night, a "Staycation", etc. The same for the girls, I want to set aside time to do special things that are individualized and specific- it doesn't take a lot to make my girls day, even more of a reason to make it happen.

• I want to be a better friend.

Going over and beyond the "call of duty". A handwritten note- not an email/facebook one, a just because phone call, little gifts and such.

• I want to find my "Mt. Everest".

Have you had something you wanted to conquer? Accomplish? Something major you had to work toward? I am talking about the type of thing that is life changing- not just for you, but for everyone in your life. Something that defines you and gives direction- not just for you but for everyone around you. I want to make a difference, do something that is bigger than myself- not just for me, but to impact everyone around me- my "Mt. Everest"!
I remember a friend I had awhile back, he helped to walk me through a very difficult time many years ago. He told me about a situation he was facing that he could not get away from. One day he was straight up tired and exhausted from fighting it. He began to tell me how he turned all the lights off in his room, laid down on the floor with nothing but his Bible and began to pray. The first thing out of his mouth was, "God, I'm not leaving this room until this situation is gone... I will not let go until it's completely done..". By the time he left that room, God had taken care of the entire situation, and he was free.

I kind of feel like that going into 2012, "God, I will not let go until you accomplish ____in me!".That, of course, is going to depend much on myself. What is that saying?- What you put into it, is what you're going to take out of it.
I'm not sure what, if any, of those things I listed will be focused on in making my "New Years Resolution". But, I am determined to be stronger and more established- in God, my Faith, my Family- as a Mother and Wife, my home, in "Me".
The Best is Yet To Come in 2012.