Confessions of a Lazy Parent...

Regardless of my body's protest, I woke up early this morning to face the decision I adamantly made last night. I have been making comments for about a week that it needed to happen, my family all heard my series of rants loud and clear...although they didn't really acknowledge them or agreed with them.

My family, including myself, is in a very unhealthy relationship.... with the television. I feel like I (more than Lupe, because I am home with the girls the most) have nurtured and allowed  this relationship that I have always said would NEVER happen in my home.

I am not sure why Tenly's lazy refusal to read last night is what finally broke me, but it did.

Tenly did not even know that children's shows really even existed much until she was about 2 years old. I welcomed the "help" of the black box after Gianna was born, there were moments that I embraced the convenient baby sitter as if my long lost friend. Therefore, Gianna has almost always been aware of the TV.

I was still cautious about how much they were around and exposed to it. Also, closely monitoring what they watched (FYI: Just because it is a cartoon does not make it appropriate for a child.). Regardless of my intentions, over the years I find that "distraction" in our home WAY to much!

How I, we, ended up here I am not quite sure. It would be convenient to blame it on my children or my husband. But, since my kids only do what I allow, and I am home with the kids way more than my husband- I have to take full responsibility.

The reality is, I have become a Lazy Parent and conveniently hired Nick JR, Disney JR, and Sprout to babysit way to often. There is no getting around the convenience and ease of having these "babysitters" at our remote fingertips- but we parents also know that it doesn't make it right.

I am embarrassed that I have dreadfully become "....one of those...", the thing I always said would NEVER happen. I declared, proudly, that my kids would always be surrounded by books, puzzles, crafts, games and a parent sitting by doting on their every word and action.

To clarify, Tenly and Gianna are not glued to the TV- their imaginations are to big and energy to robust for that. But, they are in front of it way to much. They both LOVE reading books and doing puzzles and crafts and cooking- why aren't I capitalizing on that? Because somewhere along the line, it's become to much work- that is shameful.

Several months ago, Lupe and I found much of our time together was spent catching up on DVR. To help, we removed the TV from our bedroom (some are shocked we had one in there, and some are shocked that someone can live without a TV in the bedroom) and are so glad we did. We do not allow a TV in the girls room- and never will-so, in a way it was a double standard. But, although that helped, I (Lupe may disagree, lol) still feel like we should be able to function without the invasive 3rd party. My friends, Annette and Bobby, in Texas made a change not to long ago to benefit their family (they have 3 beautiful children). They "cut the cable" and eliminated TV from their home, and the results are more reading and family time- not such a bad thing! I have some friends in this area who only allow an occasional movie or DVD, and they and their children have lived to tell the tale, lol!

Today, when Tenly arrives home from school, I am going to apologize to both of my girls for being a lazy mom and allowing the television to steal our moments from us. The excitement of the many things we can do that are so much better to fill the void is hopefully going to spark them. I am a much better parent than this and am fully capable of caring for my children without allowing "that thing" to be constantly interfering.

We are not cutting the cable or getting rid of the TV, but it will have specific times of when it will and will not be watched. Our family time will be filled with fun and entertaining each other instead of depending on the black box to fulfill our every need. I am going to press for "No TV Monday's", on this day the TV will not go on at all.

Funny enough, today (and all week) it is suppose to be raining ALL DAY! Talk about getting creative! We've made it through with making collages, doing puzzles, dancing, reading many books, and a little cooking. Although, Gianna is losing patience with me typing at this computer, so it's time to wrap it up.

LAZY- I despite that word and hate it associated with me. So, the change begins- it is going to take work and probably hearing some whining  along the path- but it will be worth it. Taking responsibility and making a change, I believe it is one my girls will thank me for one day......well, it better be!

Totally Missed The Point

It suddenly HIT me last night....I had totally missed the whole point! I do not usually do posts so closely together, but after my sudden revelation last night- I had to write an update!

If you did not read my post from yesterday, I will do a little recap.

I'm in the process of starting a new Bible Study at church, Me, Myself, & Lies: A Thought Closet Makeover. The study challenges you to become aware of your thoughts and how they affect you in the different areas of your life. After the awareness, you are challenged to change your thinking into what God says and to disengage from worry, anxiety, and negativity.

That process brought me to realize how negative my thinking was and the reality that I saw myself as unimportant, useless, talentless, not needed/necessary. It was very disturbing and pretty much shook me to the core.  I could not believe I did not serve any purpose outside of a wife and mother- not that those are not important and celebrated- but I needed to be more.

That discovery and revelation of my thoughts felt like I slammed into a brick wall.

It was not until last night while I was cooking dinner that the light bulb suddenly went on! I was doing it again- letting my and what I believed to be others thoughts and opinions of me control me. The premise of this study is to replace the negative "stuff" with what the Word of God says.

Jeremiah 29:11 (the verse I've been "standing" on), says the complete opposite of what I have been feeling, not to mention the many more verses that I read, and read, and read!!

It's almost embarrassing to realize how I so easily almost missed it all only to begin spiraling downward again. I do not really know what my purpose, talent, usefulness, or importance is- but, I can say that I know I have one- huge difference!

I have mentioned Ann Voscamp in my posts before, but I wanted to tell everyone about The Joy Dare: Count 1000 Gifts in 2012 . It is also an opportunity to change your thinking. Everyday of 2012, you are challenged to be grateful for 3 things. Ann even has a "prompter" for every day to probe your thinking. It is a "Dare To Live Fully Right Where You Are". Wouldn't that be incredible, to embrace and enjoy every moment to the fullest- from doing laundry to a sweet a gift? At some point, maybe at the end of the year, I hope to have my list of 1000 gifts and may even put them in my blog. I hope some will join me and grow with me....

Peeling Back The Layers Is Straight Up Ugly!

First, I will give a little up date on our situation. We are narrowing down our options on moving. We've pretty much decided we are going to move into another apartment for now, one that fits better with our finances. We have a couple we are choosing between. Continue to pray with us about the school zoning, we are believing that Tenly will be granted permission to stay at her current school even if it's outside our zoning. No, I have not started packing yet- waiting until we sign on the dotted line and it's official. Anyway....

The last couple days, I have not been the best person to be around. When I am "challenged"- by circumstances, my children, my husband- I just seem to break. It has not made me the easiest person to be around, to be honest. My frustrations are valid, by why do they seem to just knock me over?

One reason, I think, is because of some things I've uncovered...and I don't like it! I have begun reading through the book, "Me, Myself, & Lies", and it forces you to take a hard look at yourself.

There are many questions, in this study, about what I think of myself and how I view myself. After over analyzing the questions (as I do so well) and thinking way to long about my answers- I was a little shocked by what I saw as I pulled back some layers.

Words, such as: useless, needless, unimportant, untalented, failure, unsuccessful. Now, I am not saying all of this for attention and reassurance. Many people throughout my life have reassured me of everything opposite of those words- but for some reason I don't see what they see. I am at a place of having to reshape my mind to see and think what God sees.

I am a good mom and a good wife, but when my impatience and frustrations overwhelm me (as of lately), I no longer see a good mom/wife- I see an impatient emotional woman that no one wants to be around, including me. In those moments, it's easiest to just shut down and sleep or clean so I don't have to face "me".

I really want to discover what I am good at, what am I here for? I know I'm here to be Lupe's wife, and a mother to Tenly and Gianna. But, do I have any purpose outside of that?

I was asked a couple of weeks ago if I wanted to finish my teaching degree, my answer was, no. I do want to go back to school and have my degree in ...something. I have no idea what! Really, I do not know. That is so frustrating to me, to have no idea what I want to do. Is my purpose to throw myself into being a great Godly wife and mother?

I see different people and think to myself, WOW- they are so talented, what a great speaker, what an incredible athlete/singer/writer/dancer. I cannot fill in that blank for myself. What am I passionate about?- I'm not really sure.

Don't get me wrong- I know I am crafty, organized, and I do love being a wife/mother.

But, it was almost painful when I realized that what I tell myself probably more than anything is that I am not needed or necessary outside of wife and mother. I know deep down that that just cannot be true that I have no purpose outside of the obvious. So, I tried to try and think of where am I needed, where are my talents necessary, what am I so passionate about that it just oozes out of me, what desires drive me???? I could not come up with any answer to those questions.

Well, I am determined to grow beyond "this". I do know that God's Word and God's Plan for me does not include all of those words I listed above. As I made these disturbing realizations about myself, my first instinct was to close the book(s), shut off my thinking, and run. I was like, no wonder I am not successful- look at me- my thinking is so negative! It was just depressing realizing my thought process.

This is where I am beginning- but this is not the end. I am writing all of this to document this process, for myself- if it helps someone else, even better. To be honest, this was a very hard post for me- I am seconds from pressing delete- this is making me look just to transparent. Many of you may read this and be shocked by what I wrote- and that's fine- no need to write to tell me how backwards my thinking is (believe me, I know). Just pray for me and love me through this process- and you may need to be a little patient with me also, lol. Still standing on Jer. 29:11.

Talking to Myself...

I'm sitting at my computer rather late tonight listening to Tenly explain to me that I must dress her in a pattern: Dress, Skirt, Pants, Dress, Skirt. Because we are having this insane, but appreciated, cold front (45 degrees right now) in South Florida- her pattern is out the window and she has no tolerance of my explanation of why.

I've been doing various tasks today, most of them tying up loose ends of various phone calls and appointments. A few of the tasks on that list is due to the new Bible Study we are starting in our Mom's Group at CCC. Joanne and I are ironing out the wrinkles and getting excited about walking through a book by Jennifer Rothschild, "Me, Myself, & Lies: A Thought Closet Makeover" . While looking through various things, and talking to God about "stuff", I began to remember a couple of things that made me realize some of the reasons I was drawn to this study.

I remembered back to when Tenly was only a couple of months old, and I was a very new mom. I'm sure many will remember being somewhat emotional during the early months of "new" mommyhood. Tenly must have been between 6-8 weeks old, and while I was breastfeeding her I began to have a moment of very mixed emotions.

I found myself crying tears of joy over this beautiful miracle in my arms, then I was crying over how I looked (ya know-wearing sweats, no make up, hair in a frizzy pony, and my flabby tummy), then I was having anxiety! Anxiety over the way I was thinking about me. I had a daughter now, I had to be sure I raised her with confidence and a good self image- the exact opposite of how I felt about myself, and pretty much always had. I began to make a mental list over what/how I needed to do this: always tell her she's beautiful and smart, never say the words "fat" or "diet", never talk about how I truly perceived myself, only speak of being "healthy" not "thin", never judge others.... Obviously, that list could of been 10 pages long.

Although, I do agree with most of the things I listed- we all know it takes much more than words to teach, especially when our actions, attitude, and outlook speak so much more loudly. This took me back to many years prior.

Back in 1993ish, my self image started taking a nose dive. I had never liked the way I looked, but all of a sudden it became more important than ever and I became even more dissatisfied when I looked in the mirror. By the time 1995 came around I found myself doing everything I could to fit into my roommates Size 0 jeans- most days that meant I ate around 10 Ritz crackers and had a desert of excessive exercise. My image conscious boyfriend didn't help either. I'll never forget the day I dared to see how much farther I needed to go to fit into those 0's- I not only got them on, but they were baggy. I couldn't believe it, those jeans were skin tight on my roomie, if they were pretty baggy on me, did that mean I was smaller than her?? The scary part was, when I looked in the mirror I didn't see myself any smaller than when I began trying to get into those jeans- although I did proudly wore them to work the next day! All the people coming up to me telling me I was to thin, asking me if I was sick, asking how I did it never clued me in to my issue(s)- but the night I freaked out did.

I had been laying in bed trying to calculate how many calories I'd eaten that day- because I dared to eat a dry piece of toast and a cup of dry pasta- and I just knew I was not going to be able to fit into my skirt the next day. Before I knew it, I was digging through the trash can trying to find the pasta package, although I found it and it was only a whopping 210 calories- I was in panic mode and then found myself puking in the toilet.

Not to long after all of that, I became very aware of my issues. Getting "real" help was so crazy expensive that wasn't an option. After trying on my own and failing miserably, I cried out to God, when I finally stopped crying and yelling and whining, I started listening. I spoke to a friend who I trusted to speak into my life, she told me I needed to renew my mind(Rom. 12:2) - it wasn't a matter of just not thinking that way anymore, but it was a matter of replacing those thoughts with God's thoughts and my actions with positive Godly actions. It was almost to simple.

I dove into The Word of God fiercely, whenever I would begin to get overwhelmed I would begin quoting the Word or picking up my Bible and reading. I had a list of scriptures on "Who I Am In Christ", I quoted those scriptures religiously (no pun intended). It worked. There were times after, that I found myself struggling- each time I would eventually go back to the root- which is God's Word.

When I think of what I want for my daughters, first, I want them to have a close and intimate relationship with Jesus and knowing who they are in Him and through that impacting their generation. Second, is probably a positive, strong, beautiful self image and love for themselves. I do not want my girls, or any other girls, to go through anything close to what I did- and sometimes still do.

SO, I am thrilled to do this study and strengthen the words I say to myself. Did you know that people, on average, speak 150-300 words to themselves an hour? That is crazy!! It's made me very aware of the things I'm saying, and very aware that I need some major improvement! Over the next couple days, do a little evaluation of what you are saying to yourself- you may be surprised and then again, you may not.

Did I Just Say That?

Last night a funny thing happened. You know, one of those open mouth, insert foot moments. But, it's a bit comical (well, I think it was- we'll see how it comes across written) and was probably a very good "uh-oh".
I was feeling a bit strange last night. I was a bit tired, a little cranky- and was thinking my sugar levels were high (especially the way I ate throughout the day). I was needing to fold laundry, but decided to ignore it (I know- BIG shocker) and laid down. My back has been bothering me, so Lupe offered to go heat me up a hot pad to put on it. When he came back, he noticed I was acting a bit strangely, he quickly recognized the symptoms of a low blood sugar. As he reached to get my glucometer to my blood sugar, he asked if I was okay? All of a sudden I hear myself bust out in tears, and blurt out "I AM SO SCARED", as I continued to sob. I remember him saying, "..I know..", but that's all I remember of his reaction.

As my sugar levels started to go up, I started remembering, and then felt this blanket of guilt weigh on me. I kept trying to remember the look on Lupe's face- but can't, tried to remember how long I cried, and praying I didn't say anything else. Then I remembered him coming back to check my sugar to make sure it was up, he squeezed my arm, and said softly, "It's okay to be scared".

Let me back up and say that ever since Lupe gave his notice at work, I have been fluctuating between faith and fear. I would love to say that I have this iron back of steal that stands on Faith unwavering.....but I'm human and so far from perfect that I can't say that. When anxiety and fear do try to take over- I start talking to myself and declaring what God says and His promises to Lupe and I, Tenly, and Gianna.

Because I know Lupe is carrying much of what I am, and is also carrying the fact that he is the provider for our family- I have tried (unsuccessfully, I'm sure) to hide when I begin to be overwhelmed with reality. Knowing Lupe, I know he does the same for me. We all know, this is not a healthy thing to do- to suppress feelings- especially ones so overwhelming. I mean, our situation is not the best- the facts stacked against us in reality are not the best considering our finances. It's a lot for me to carry, and even more for Lupe to carry- BUT God.

So, my blood sugar dropping caused my "guard" to fall and my overwhelmed heart was exposed for a short period of time. As badly as I felt for allowing Lupe to see my fear, and give him one more thing to carry, it wasn't all bad. This is where I (we) are, and I am growing once again in my faith and prayer life. I am determined to let God carry this one- because I can't- it's to big and I am  not even close to able. I am so Thankful, He is!
(This is a nice story of a low blood sugar! I, and many others, have some hysterical stories of my "guard" falling. Those stories will wait for another time, another post....maybe!)

Strengths and Weaknesses

For 6 years, I have had the honor of having one of the best jobs around as a "Domestic Manger" (I even wanted to make business cards). A Domestic Manger is a demanding job that requires a lot of multi-tasking among many other things: being at home taking care of children, husband, cleaning, laundry, creativity, imagination, coordinating schedules/events/Dr. Appt.'s/activities, meals, finances, etc.
Anyway, about 6 weeks ago I told Lupe I thought I should go back to work to help take some of the load off of his shoulders (I know he needed me to go back to work, but he would of never asked- I love him!)- Lupe agreed and I started on my pursuit.
I said all of that to talk about this:
I found myself in those wonderful, uncomfortable, stressful job interviews- which I must admit- I'm very good at! Potential employers ask you all of these crazy questions in hopes of getting an accurate picture of who you are and what you can do.  I was asked THE question: What are your Strengths? What are your Weaknesses? This question may stump some, but was an easy question for me, because just months before I realized that my Strengths were also my Weaknesses.
Sometimes it can be hard to say your Strengths out loud for fear of sounding cocky and full of yourself. But, in this search of rediscovering me- I have to confidently acknowledge what I am good at and what I enjoy, in order for me to utilize those things and to allow others to utilize them! So, here we go:
- I am organized, neat, clean.
- I am creative.
- I am passionate.
- I love to plan and coordinate events.
- I love to read.
- I love to be outside and active.
- I like to bake/cook.
- I love to read.
(There may be a few more, but these are what stand out to me).
Already, I feel like I should be explaining myself and the reasons why I feel like I'm good at/enjoy these things out of fear of how others are interpreting me- but I wont! LOL!
But, some of these things can quickly become my weaknesses. Many of my friends who have lived with me or close to me are probably saying- "YES"!!
The Weaknesses of:
- Being Organized- is the inability to function outside of your neat home and schedule. It has been crippling at times. I had surgery around this time last year, I prolonged my recovery because I was unable to let things just be. When everyone would leave the house, I would sneak downstairs and start cleaning everything MY way (because my way is the right way), put all the toys in the correct labeled drawers, etc. I began having complications that had me on permanent bed rest for weeks instead of days because of my inability to allow things to just 'be'.
Another weakness of my organized self is, I have always been a mom with a schedule and firmly believe children need and require predictability- so, of course, my girls have always been on a schedule. Overall, that predictable schedule has always been wonderful- the only time it is not wonderful is when we were off the schedule (especially when they were younger). When Tenly started preschool, she had a hard time on days that her class did something out of the ordinary- she, like me- thrives on a schedule and predictability. Tenly has gotten much better at 'going with  the flow', but we try to prepare her the day before so she can still predict to a degree.

- Being Creative- not to many weaknesses to this one- except that it's hard to sit back and watch a lack of creativity- especially those times when you are not able (invited) to do anything about it. I've learned (the hard way) to ask, "How can I help?" and do only what you have been invited to do or offer only what you've been invited to offer. It's not worth hurting others feelings just so you can be creative or have input. In other words, it's a giving up of control (that's a big OUCH for me).


- Being Passionate- sometimes your passion can push people away instead of embracing them. Just because it's your passion does not mean it must be everyone else's.

It's so empowering once you're able to not only recognize your strengths and weaknesses, but also embrace them. I still havent' 'arrived'- and have to tell myself often that I need others- to thrive within my talents and gifting and to invite others in to fill in my gaps. I was not created to do it all myself, and to be honest, I don't want to do it all myself. I am not perfect (I know, you're shocked)- and find it funny that I tried (sometimes still try) to be.
What are you good at? What do you LOVE to do? Capitalize on the gifts and talents God has given you, He gave you these talents for a reason. If you're not using your them, look for an outlet to use them- but first you have to acknowledge what they are. After that, call or email somebody (even me) to tell them what you are good at and what you are going to do about it.