My Mommy Doesn't Love ME......

"My Mommy Doesn't Love MEEE....." I listened to Tenly scream for what seemed like forever.

Yep, it was one of those days today. One of those days that just hurt and made me question all of my carefully thought out "strategic parenting".

It hasn't just been today, it has been several days...toooo many days of struggling to hear respect in her voice, following directions, listening the FIRST time, and of course climbing the Mt. Everest of homework. I have even began to hear Tenly raise her voice to me and stomp her foot....more than once!!

There is veteran Moms reading this, chuckling as they remember and they (and their children) are still alive to report survival on the other side of "The 6 year old battle of the minds.." And, I am taking comfort in picturing those of you doing just that (so please tell me that someone is!?).

I know I have written similar posts of these frustrations before. But, today I just seemed to have been derailed as I cried in my bed over what seemed to be defeat, frustration and surrender all balled up together. Mind you, I have not been quite the "model Mom" in my responses to my beautiful sassy daughters outbursts- so you might as well add Mommy-Guilt to that ball while we're at it. I have never been much of a yeller, but at times it feels like an alien has taken over as I hear my voice shrieking, "Are you kidding me? Did you really just do that...?"

I had, what I thought to be, a GREAT idea! It was a beautiful day in South Florida, 70 degrees and not a cloud in the sky, a perfect day to do homework out back on the water. I though this was brilliant enough to take any negativity out of homework and make Tenly forget how tired she may be.

After treading gently through the spelling practice test with gentle encouragements, we made it. Then we approached practicing her vocabulary words, Tenly began to detach herself from even the thought of trying. I don't know if Cinderella herself could of gotten a different outcome! Actually, scratch that...she would have gotten a perfect outcome! Come to think of it, anyone and everyone but ME would have gotten a perfect outcome.

After several chances (too many, consider one chance sufficient in my book), she was sent back inside to be disciplined.

I am a tired Mom. I am tired of fighting with my 6 year old. I am tired of over-analyzing my parenting skills/methods and tired of changing them. I am tired of making Tenly cry, and I am tired of crying. I am tired of being the wearing the red horns with matching red pitchfork surrounded by flames, while Daddy flies in the clouds with the angel wings and halo.

But, that's also what makes me a Good Mom. I care enough to continue to question everything and change it. That I care enough about raising good respectful kids that I am willing to be the bad guy and "make" them cry. That I still hurt when I see my kids cry, whether it's because they have fallen, had their feelings hurt, or are being disciplined by their mean Mom.

My heart still hurts and I still have a million questions rolling around in my head. My day with my girls is coming to an end very soon, I pray that my heart and Tenly's heart both feel better when it does.

God, continue to give me wisdom and help me to grow, listen, make changes, capitalize on being right and admit when I am wrong. I have already proven that this is one job I cannot do without my God and today I have needed Him more than ever.

Reliving The Past......

School never came easy for me. Even when I was in Elementary school, it never was easy for a variety of reasons. One reason was I started young, I have a September birthday, and although the teachers said I was socially above average (even then I was a social bug), I had a difficult time processing the things in my brain in order to communicate them verbally or written.

In the first grade, I had a teacher who was very hard on me. She did not seem to be able to tolerate my need for more or different instruction or direction. I never felt what I did was good enough and began to fear trying because no matter how hard I tried it wasn't good enough.

I believe everyone has the need to be praised and strive to please to some degree- some more than others- and some, like me, too much. So, when I began getting sad faces with tears drawn going down the page on my class work- I would hide them from my parents because I feared disappointing them. I also began to hide my work from my teacher in school because I would rather be in trouble for not having it done or losing it than to chance myself being marked by another sad face. I also feared asking for help, because weakness, or not understanding, was just not okay. That sad face, to me, represented an emotion of disappointment, failure, stupidity, weakness, inadequacy. I'm sure many others who were/are graded with that type of system, it probes them to try harder- which I know that's what it is intended for- but it did no such thing for me. In fact, the exact opposite, it kind of strangled me.

Mom with Tenly

My wonderful mom, has always been very intuitive, she very quickly saw how I was retreating and beginning to give up and recognized the connection it had to school. Some may find it odd and petty that I, and others, would be so strongly effected by something as "simple" as a sad face- but my mom went with that gut feeling- that mom's know so well, and decided she would fight for my self esteem, self confidence, self worth, emotions, and education. She had many meetings with the teacher trying to help her understand that this grading system was having a very bad impact on me. Things changed, but I still dreaded going to that classroom, I honestly remember absolutely dreading it- as a 6 year old. I was held back in the first grade by my parents, and finally began flourishing during my second year in 1st grade with my teacher Mrs. Lay. She went over and beyond the call of duty making sure she would do what was within her power and ability to rebuild what had been crushed. I hope I am able to thank her one day for her kindness and willingness to make a difference, and not do what was easy, but she dig deep to find what would work.

Throughout my life, I have struggled with my self confidence and still do at times. Watching myself strive for attention and being eager to please is not a trait I am proud of. Sometimes, now in my mature 30's, I find myself standing on the side lines refraining from doing something or talking to someone because I fear it will be viewed as desperation or a need for attention. Did some of this stem out of deep rooted things that came from sad faces and humiliation in the 1st grade? Maybe it didn't, but I'm pretty confident it did. You know, I was hurt- just because the mark/scar that was placed on me could not be seen, does not mean it's not there.

I'm reflecting back on these not so pleasant memories because of a little situation we faced with Tenly this past week. I actually put it in my status on Facebook and was taken aback and enlightened on the feedback from it. Tenly was given a sad face, her second one of the year (she, to my surprise, was keeping count)- and her reaction to it scared me and pained me. The pain because it hurts to see your child hurt, and scared me because I feared watching her go through what I did. It pained me so badly to see my child hurt in that way, I had to leave the room more than once to cry myself- I could feel myself reliving it. If she wouldn't have had much of a reaction to it, I would of been proud that she saw it as an opportunity to try harder. But, to my dismay, that was not the case.

Tenly shared with me that at school she cried, was very sad and did not want to go back. (Now, keep in mind, that has never been the case and she adores her teacher.) When I questioned why, she began to cry as she explained she had received a sad face, her second one, and Mrs. C was disappointed and sad with her because she could not try hard enough. I began to encourage her and explained what Mrs. C had intended by giving her that sad face, and that we just needed to continue to try hard. All she kept processing was that Mrs. C was sad with her, and her "smart brain" could not try hard enough anymore.

While doing her homework later, we struggled for her to even put anything on the paper because it might be wrong and if it was wrong she would get another sad face. It got to the point that we left it and have continued to go back and try throughout the weekend, because she just could not get past the fear of a sad face. Mind you, in times past, Mrs. C typically writes "practice at home", "work on this skill", "needs more practice", "keep trying". Tenly has always responded very well to these notes, and embraces continuing to practice or work on whatever skill necessary.

A "You CAN Do It" moment

Many people thought/think I am blowing this out of proportion and making a bigger deal out of it than it is, because I am going to ask for a conference to brainstorm with Mrs. C a more appropriate way of grading Tenly, that will encourage her rather than discourage her. And, maybe I am making a big deal out of nothing, maybe I am reacting out of the fear of what I went through as a child. But, I am going to follow in my wise mother's footsteps and ask God to guide me as I ensure Tenly will have the education she needs to make her successful.

I may be an overprotective, panicky, petty, pain-in-the-butt, erring on the side of caution, Momma- but I can live with those titles for my kids. I would always rather be over cautious than under cautious.

Peeling Back The Layers Is Straight Up Ugly!

First, I will give a little up date on our situation. We are narrowing down our options on moving. We've pretty much decided we are going to move into another apartment for now, one that fits better with our finances. We have a couple we are choosing between. Continue to pray with us about the school zoning, we are believing that Tenly will be granted permission to stay at her current school even if it's outside our zoning. No, I have not started packing yet- waiting until we sign on the dotted line and it's official. Anyway....

The last couple days, I have not been the best person to be around. When I am "challenged"- by circumstances, my children, my husband- I just seem to break. It has not made me the easiest person to be around, to be honest. My frustrations are valid, by why do they seem to just knock me over?

One reason, I think, is because of some things I've uncovered...and I don't like it! I have begun reading through the book, "Me, Myself, & Lies", and it forces you to take a hard look at yourself.

There are many questions, in this study, about what I think of myself and how I view myself. After over analyzing the questions (as I do so well) and thinking way to long about my answers- I was a little shocked by what I saw as I pulled back some layers.

Words, such as: useless, needless, unimportant, untalented, failure, unsuccessful. Now, I am not saying all of this for attention and reassurance. Many people throughout my life have reassured me of everything opposite of those words- but for some reason I don't see what they see. I am at a place of having to reshape my mind to see and think what God sees.

I am a good mom and a good wife, but when my impatience and frustrations overwhelm me (as of lately), I no longer see a good mom/wife- I see an impatient emotional woman that no one wants to be around, including me. In those moments, it's easiest to just shut down and sleep or clean so I don't have to face "me".

I really want to discover what I am good at, what am I here for? I know I'm here to be Lupe's wife, and a mother to Tenly and Gianna. But, do I have any purpose outside of that?

I was asked a couple of weeks ago if I wanted to finish my teaching degree, my answer was, no. I do want to go back to school and have my degree in ...something. I have no idea what! Really, I do not know. That is so frustrating to me, to have no idea what I want to do. Is my purpose to throw myself into being a great Godly wife and mother?

I see different people and think to myself, WOW- they are so talented, what a great speaker, what an incredible athlete/singer/writer/dancer. I cannot fill in that blank for myself. What am I passionate about?- I'm not really sure.

Don't get me wrong- I know I am crafty, organized, and I do love being a wife/mother.

But, it was almost painful when I realized that what I tell myself probably more than anything is that I am not needed or necessary outside of wife and mother. I know deep down that that just cannot be true that I have no purpose outside of the obvious. So, I tried to try and think of where am I needed, where are my talents necessary, what am I so passionate about that it just oozes out of me, what desires drive me???? I could not come up with any answer to those questions.

Well, I am determined to grow beyond "this". I do know that God's Word and God's Plan for me does not include all of those words I listed above. As I made these disturbing realizations about myself, my first instinct was to close the book(s), shut off my thinking, and run. I was like, no wonder I am not successful- look at me- my thinking is so negative! It was just depressing realizing my thought process.

This is where I am beginning- but this is not the end. I am writing all of this to document this process, for myself- if it helps someone else, even better. To be honest, this was a very hard post for me- I am seconds from pressing delete- this is making me look just to transparent. Many of you may read this and be shocked by what I wrote- and that's fine- no need to write to tell me how backwards my thinking is (believe me, I know). Just pray for me and love me through this process- and you may need to be a little patient with me also, lol. Still standing on Jer. 29:11.

Talking to Myself...

I'm sitting at my computer rather late tonight listening to Tenly explain to me that I must dress her in a pattern: Dress, Skirt, Pants, Dress, Skirt. Because we are having this insane, but appreciated, cold front (45 degrees right now) in South Florida- her pattern is out the window and she has no tolerance of my explanation of why.

I've been doing various tasks today, most of them tying up loose ends of various phone calls and appointments. A few of the tasks on that list is due to the new Bible Study we are starting in our Mom's Group at CCC. Joanne and I are ironing out the wrinkles and getting excited about walking through a book by Jennifer Rothschild, "Me, Myself, & Lies: A Thought Closet Makeover" . While looking through various things, and talking to God about "stuff", I began to remember a couple of things that made me realize some of the reasons I was drawn to this study.

I remembered back to when Tenly was only a couple of months old, and I was a very new mom. I'm sure many will remember being somewhat emotional during the early months of "new" mommyhood. Tenly must have been between 6-8 weeks old, and while I was breastfeeding her I began to have a moment of very mixed emotions.

I found myself crying tears of joy over this beautiful miracle in my arms, then I was crying over how I looked (ya know-wearing sweats, no make up, hair in a frizzy pony, and my flabby tummy), then I was having anxiety! Anxiety over the way I was thinking about me. I had a daughter now, I had to be sure I raised her with confidence and a good self image- the exact opposite of how I felt about myself, and pretty much always had. I began to make a mental list over what/how I needed to do this: always tell her she's beautiful and smart, never say the words "fat" or "diet", never talk about how I truly perceived myself, only speak of being "healthy" not "thin", never judge others.... Obviously, that list could of been 10 pages long.

Although, I do agree with most of the things I listed- we all know it takes much more than words to teach, especially when our actions, attitude, and outlook speak so much more loudly. This took me back to many years prior.

Back in 1993ish, my self image started taking a nose dive. I had never liked the way I looked, but all of a sudden it became more important than ever and I became even more dissatisfied when I looked in the mirror. By the time 1995 came around I found myself doing everything I could to fit into my roommates Size 0 jeans- most days that meant I ate around 10 Ritz crackers and had a desert of excessive exercise. My image conscious boyfriend didn't help either. I'll never forget the day I dared to see how much farther I needed to go to fit into those 0's- I not only got them on, but they were baggy. I couldn't believe it, those jeans were skin tight on my roomie, if they were pretty baggy on me, did that mean I was smaller than her?? The scary part was, when I looked in the mirror I didn't see myself any smaller than when I began trying to get into those jeans- although I did proudly wore them to work the next day! All the people coming up to me telling me I was to thin, asking me if I was sick, asking how I did it never clued me in to my issue(s)- but the night I freaked out did.

I had been laying in bed trying to calculate how many calories I'd eaten that day- because I dared to eat a dry piece of toast and a cup of dry pasta- and I just knew I was not going to be able to fit into my skirt the next day. Before I knew it, I was digging through the trash can trying to find the pasta package, although I found it and it was only a whopping 210 calories- I was in panic mode and then found myself puking in the toilet.

Not to long after all of that, I became very aware of my issues. Getting "real" help was so crazy expensive that wasn't an option. After trying on my own and failing miserably, I cried out to God, when I finally stopped crying and yelling and whining, I started listening. I spoke to a friend who I trusted to speak into my life, she told me I needed to renew my mind(Rom. 12:2) - it wasn't a matter of just not thinking that way anymore, but it was a matter of replacing those thoughts with God's thoughts and my actions with positive Godly actions. It was almost to simple.

I dove into The Word of God fiercely, whenever I would begin to get overwhelmed I would begin quoting the Word or picking up my Bible and reading. I had a list of scriptures on "Who I Am In Christ", I quoted those scriptures religiously (no pun intended). It worked. There were times after, that I found myself struggling- each time I would eventually go back to the root- which is God's Word.

When I think of what I want for my daughters, first, I want them to have a close and intimate relationship with Jesus and knowing who they are in Him and through that impacting their generation. Second, is probably a positive, strong, beautiful self image and love for themselves. I do not want my girls, or any other girls, to go through anything close to what I did- and sometimes still do.

SO, I am thrilled to do this study and strengthen the words I say to myself. Did you know that people, on average, speak 150-300 words to themselves an hour? That is crazy!! It's made me very aware of the things I'm saying, and very aware that I need some major improvement! Over the next couple days, do a little evaluation of what you are saying to yourself- you may be surprised and then again, you may not.

Forgiving "The Church"

Let me begin by saying, it has never been about The Church needing my forgiveness- but rather about me forgiving. This is not about 1 church in particular, but rather as a whole.
My family is coming up to an important anniversary (I will write about next week), reflecting back on this past year has caused me to reevaluate my heart and my attitude. I've realized I have forgiven "The Church"- this has been a long process......
I guess forgiving has come in stages for me..2 steps forward, 4 steps back at times. I remember when I started getting bitter and angry at "The Church", I was around 13-14 years old and was a "PK"- Preachers Kid.
It was a very hurtful time when all I really understood was that the actions of "The Church" were not what I had been taught. After that, I became jealous and angry at the time "The Church" took my parents away- sometimes justified and sometimes not. Then came a horrible situation that hurt my parents, and thus my whole family, so badly it seemed to take away my Fathers spirit for a long time and it was a long journey back for all of us.

It could be argued about who was right and who was wrong, but the only thing that matters is that people were hurt on all different levels- and I had to watch my parents struggle to recuperate for a very long time. It was during that time that I decided what kind of relationship God and I would have. I believe my initial statement was, "If THIS is Christianity, I do NOT want it.".
After awhile, my heart softened and I guess I forgave a bit and then decided, "Okay God, I will serve and love You- but I will never be in the ministry so You cannot ask or require that of me." I thought that was pretty reasonable, and it worked for quite sometime. I volunteered for things at the church, was a youth leader for awhile, and just served where I was comfortable.
THEN, God directed me to go to Texas Bible Institute, I clearly knew that was where I was suppose to be. It was during that time, I had some spiritual heart surgery. After awhile, I began to let God tear down the walls I had built up- it was then that I truly began to choose to forgive. My heart was lighter, and I was happier.

Many years went by, and I found myself engaged to the man of my dreams- it was almost comical that he was an ordained minister in full time ministry. Before we were engaged, we had conversations about our future, and we both knew that Lupe was not suppose to leave the ministry he was at yet- which meant I was going to be a ministers wife and in full time ministry. I have written before about some of my struggles throughout those years, some of my struggles came out of my past anger towards "The Church". Some of those struggles also came out of fear of what could be, and because those possibilities loomed in front of me, I made issues where I probably shouldn't have. I was just so determined not to let the past repeat itself with me and with my husband and children.
Once we left the ministry and moved to Florida, I found myself more calloused and angry than ever at "The Church". I had to finally draw boundaries, that may have unintentionally hurt others, but it was to help me and honestly protect them from being on the receiving end of my anger.

I say all of that to say this, I am beyond it. I love "The Church". Although, "The Church" has trampled and scarred my heart at times- it has also repaired my heart and carried me at others. I have had to realize, that as much as others have hurt me- I have also caused hurt and have been forgiven- how could I dare expect or take something I cannot give. I even feel ready to let others back in that I have pushed away, and except responsibility for the times I have not acted as God requires me. I mean, really, I will never have to forgive more than God has had to forgive me.
This has been a painful and tough road, but I'm so blessed and happy to be walking beyond the hurt others have caused me and the hurt I've caused others. Forgiving will not change the past, but it will enlarge my future.
 Visit Rediscovering Domesticity to see how others are dealing with "The Mess In My Heart".

I'm Growing...............

I wish that title was speaking of me finely going beyond 5 foot tall....but it's not!
This weekend was VERY special in our house, my beautiful daughter, Tenly, turned 5 big years old on Saturday. I must mention our first conversation that morning. First, if you know Tenly- you must picture her talking to me with her eyes very wide and speaking 'matter-of-factly'. When Tenly woke up she came into our bedroom and of course we welcomed her with enthusiastic "Happy Birthday's". I jumped her up on my bed and started telling her, "You're 5 years old, Tenly! You're so BIG, such a big girl!". All of a sudden, it was like I could see this light bulb going on in her head, her eyes widened and she looked right at me as she pulled up the pant legs of her jammies, and kicked her feet up. She looked down at her legs, back up at me and said, "MomMom, look at my legs- they're HUGE- I AM such a BIG girl. I'm 5 now, look at how big I am!". Cuteness at its best!
Anyway, now that I'm done showing off my kid....I'll write about how much I've grown up! I am a self proclaimed neat freak. At times, it has even "paralyzed" me. But, this weekend- I saw a change! As I've said before- we live in a pretty small apartment. It's perfect for the 4 us- but when you add 4 more people- totaling 8 people in our 1,100 sq. ft. 2 bedroom apartment- it gets tight. For Tenly's party, my parents came in for a few days and brought my nephew and niece, Emry and Maya with them. Where do you put guests in a 2 bedroom apartment? Well, on the living room floor on air mattresses- where else? Which means luggage, shoes, and "stuff" in every nook and cranny! This type of situation tends to bring on quite a bit of anxiety for me, and makes me very bad company. The fact that I was working some too, made it better- I didn't have to see it, and harder- I couldn't straighten and clean at every opportunity.

But, I decided before they even got here- I wanted to have fun, and more importantly I wanted them to have fun. The only way to tackle an issue is to admit it's an issue. So, I made up mind to let it go- straighten what I could only when necessary. I also chose not to get an attitude or freak out over "stuff"- if me going and straightening/cleaning was going to make someone else uncomfortable- then I'd just have to wait it out. Well, I succeeded (at least I think I did, my family may have a different view, lol)- a couple times I found myself talking to me saying, "It's not a big deal, it's really not.."- it worked! The girls were watching shows in my bed a couple of mornings- and I even left my bed unmade- and I was okay!

The party was so wonderful, we had it at "The Little Gym" where I work- Tenly completely beamed all day! Tenly's parties have often been challenging while at the ministry- because it was not during a convenient time, it was during summer. That created a lot of unnecessary stress for Lupe and I- although we always pulled off a great time! This Birthday, was not only stress-free, but Tenly's first party with family there to celebrate with her. Her Poppy, Grammy, Uncle Bubbo (Johnnie), Aunt Debbie, Emry, and Maya were all there- I think that was a high light of her day. We have made many wonderful friends from our church since moving, and so many of them celebrated with us and made it a spectacular day!
So, this past weekend- Tenly and her MomMom grew together!