Dreams and Prayers..

Dreaming...for my kids.

I think every parent wants to be able to give/provide everything for their children that they want/have need of.

Right now, the main thing my girls want is to go to Disney World. This is something that is a want- definitely not a 'need'- but a something that every child should have the opportunity to experience (Not sure Disney sees it this way with their prices.). It will happen....one day.

Besides Disney, I dream of my girls playing sports, dancing in ballet classes and recitals, being involved and confident in school and going to college. Our family is under some "budgeting constraints" at the moment, which are preventing some of these extras; sometimes that hurts this Momma's heart.

But, as I watch my oldest daughter struggle to find her "voice" while in school and overcoming fear, I find myself focusing my dreams...I mean prayers, on different things.

My girls will know God's Word for themselves to be true and powerful. Psalms 19:10

My girls will feel and know the confidence that comes from being a Child of God. 2 Timothy 1:7

My girls will be leaders. Romans 12:2

M girls will do what is right because it is right. Psalms 25:21

My girls will show God's love to each other and those around them. 1 Timothy 4:12

My girls will pursue the call and purpose that God has placed over their life. Psalms 138:8

I have struggled with confidence for much of my life and it has caused me a lot of pain and prevented me from pursuing many dreams- I refuse to watch my girls walk that road. That not only means that I have to declare these scriptures over them but also over myself. I hate to think that there are things they have seen in me that may be playing into their lack of confidence- but that is the reality.

The things that I want my girls to experience that are attached to monetary can bring them some smiles, fun and teach them some things- but I am quickly realizing that those things hold a strong second place in comparison to that list I just made.

We have always prayed scriptures over our children, but there is an even stronger emphasis being placed on doing so. I found myself so focused on all of the things we just can't do for our girls right now and it really had me down. Then one day after we had spoken with Tenly's teacher, it was as if the clouds parted and I was given a revelation of where I needed to focus my energy right now- not on what we can't do but on what we can do. To be honest, my girls need my prayers right now more than anything else and that is something I am extremely good at.

I have hung scriptures beside my girls beds, I want them to see first thing in the morning and before they close their eyes at night to know that according to 2 Timothy 1:7 "God has NOT given them a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-discipline."

A Big Lump In The Road...

Moving day/week has come and gone with to many complications to count. I should look on the bright side, at least the complications weren't as expensive as they were last time! No wonder I despise moving!! Of course our bump, or my lump, didn't quite look like the one to the left- but was the one below.

On Tuesday, while moving some of the boxes and smaller stuff, I began to notice a bump (just like the one I have now had on my right and left eye) starting on the right side of my chin. It was a little painful, but at that point I just could not believe it could be another huge abscess beginning. Well, by Wednesday I started to realize I was very wrong as that I now had a good size lump on my chin along with swollen glands and swelling on my face and neck, and quite painful. I quickly made an appointment with my internist who sent me to in Infectious Disease Specialist. It was an emotional day as I had to retell my weird "lump history" of the past 2 months that no one can give me any answers to. The specialist was unable, yet again, to culture it (UGH!)- but seemed certain I had MRSA and gave me another antibiotic to take.

I went home, continuing to pack while my face, neck, and head throbbed. I was hopeful I would wake up Thursday morning with less swelling and pain- didn't happen. I, instead, awoke Thursday to the exact opposite- I tried to do so much between having to lay down because of the pain. (In the middle of all of this, Tenly had an accident at school and was so emotional I went to pick her up.)

By the time Lupe arrived home, I was considering going to the ER- as absurd as that seemed on so many levels.We still had to pack up the kitchen, clothes, and all of the other loose ends- and needed more boxes to do so. As much as I tried to get around it, I finally made the arrangements for a friend to come pick me up so Lupe could stay with the girls and get as much done as possible with no boxes.

The doctor wasn't exactly thrilled with my being there. He thought I should of waited longer than 30 hours to give the antibiotics time to work- but my face was at least 40% more swollen and the pain had increased beyond 75%- I didn't care! They ran blood work, and ultimately they admitted me to give me antibiotics by IV to kick out the infection.

Part of me was relieved, the other part was overwhelmed with guilt and responsibility. I was relieved that we would get to the bottom of this never ending unwelcome infection that had been haunting me for 2 months!But....Who was going to take care of the girls? Who was going to be there for the cable/Internet hook up? Who was going to finish packing? Who was going to boss the guys around to tell them where to put everything? Who was going to organize everything? Who was going to take/pick up Tenly for school? Who was going to be sure Lupe was going to be okay?

We decided Tenly would stay home from school (the first day she missed), and my brother, who was helping to move, was bringing my niece, Maya, and nephew, Emry, to help (which made my girls not miss me at all)- who did an EXCEPTIONAL job! A couple of guys from the church were also coming to help. (I think we will forever be indebted, especially after they had to move our 2-ton couch!)

The first night in the hospital went with no sleep and vomiting all night due to the pain, then dehydration, and the strong pain meds. Then I began having an allergic reaction to one of the antibiotics, and we wrapped up my hospital stay 2 days later with a severe migraine (I felt I came in with one thing wrong, and left with more). All 3 doctors are still convinced that I have MRSA, and a suppressed immune system- nothing to prove it except the consensus of 3 doctors thinking the same thing. They wanted a plastic surgeon to cut it open, but no one would come in on a weekend.

Anyway, my brother and Debbie took the girls overnight so Lupe could finish moving the rest of the stuff- that was a HUGE blessing! Not to mention, the girls came back saying it was "..the best day ever.."- apparently it was especially funny when Uncle Bubbo (what they call my brother) hit Aunt Debbie with a stick. LOL!

I finally came home, very thankful for my incredible friends and family who prayed, cared, stayed at the hospital, text encouraging thoughts, brainstormed, left messages, kept our children, lifted a 2 ton couch up and down stairs, etc. I wish we had more to give, but we say Thank You and are blessed to have you.

I am now almost done unpacking boxes while my face continues to heal (it's closer to normal). Although, I'm not fond of my too small kitchen, and inconvenient closet- I am thankful I am in a home with my family (and for the wonderful storage closet). I am started to embrace and understand that saying "Home is where your Heart is".

Please pray that this "lump" was the last. I do not understand why this is happening, and have struggled to keep positive throughout. But, I do know things could be worse- and it is gone- Thank You for continuing to pray that this is the last and I am completely healed!

Reliving The Past......

School never came easy for me. Even when I was in Elementary school, it never was easy for a variety of reasons. One reason was I started young, I have a September birthday, and although the teachers said I was socially above average (even then I was a social bug), I had a difficult time processing the things in my brain in order to communicate them verbally or written.

In the first grade, I had a teacher who was very hard on me. She did not seem to be able to tolerate my need for more or different instruction or direction. I never felt what I did was good enough and began to fear trying because no matter how hard I tried it wasn't good enough.

I believe everyone has the need to be praised and strive to please to some degree- some more than others- and some, like me, too much. So, when I began getting sad faces with tears drawn going down the page on my class work- I would hide them from my parents because I feared disappointing them. I also began to hide my work from my teacher in school because I would rather be in trouble for not having it done or losing it than to chance myself being marked by another sad face. I also feared asking for help, because weakness, or not understanding, was just not okay. That sad face, to me, represented an emotion of disappointment, failure, stupidity, weakness, inadequacy. I'm sure many others who were/are graded with that type of system, it probes them to try harder- which I know that's what it is intended for- but it did no such thing for me. In fact, the exact opposite, it kind of strangled me.

Mom with Tenly

My wonderful mom, has always been very intuitive, she very quickly saw how I was retreating and beginning to give up and recognized the connection it had to school. Some may find it odd and petty that I, and others, would be so strongly effected by something as "simple" as a sad face- but my mom went with that gut feeling- that mom's know so well, and decided she would fight for my self esteem, self confidence, self worth, emotions, and education. She had many meetings with the teacher trying to help her understand that this grading system was having a very bad impact on me. Things changed, but I still dreaded going to that classroom, I honestly remember absolutely dreading it- as a 6 year old. I was held back in the first grade by my parents, and finally began flourishing during my second year in 1st grade with my teacher Mrs. Lay. She went over and beyond the call of duty making sure she would do what was within her power and ability to rebuild what had been crushed. I hope I am able to thank her one day for her kindness and willingness to make a difference, and not do what was easy, but she dig deep to find what would work.

Throughout my life, I have struggled with my self confidence and still do at times. Watching myself strive for attention and being eager to please is not a trait I am proud of. Sometimes, now in my mature 30's, I find myself standing on the side lines refraining from doing something or talking to someone because I fear it will be viewed as desperation or a need for attention. Did some of this stem out of deep rooted things that came from sad faces and humiliation in the 1st grade? Maybe it didn't, but I'm pretty confident it did. You know, I was hurt- just because the mark/scar that was placed on me could not be seen, does not mean it's not there.

I'm reflecting back on these not so pleasant memories because of a little situation we faced with Tenly this past week. I actually put it in my status on Facebook and was taken aback and enlightened on the feedback from it. Tenly was given a sad face, her second one of the year (she, to my surprise, was keeping count)- and her reaction to it scared me and pained me. The pain because it hurts to see your child hurt, and scared me because I feared watching her go through what I did. It pained me so badly to see my child hurt in that way, I had to leave the room more than once to cry myself- I could feel myself reliving it. If she wouldn't have had much of a reaction to it, I would of been proud that she saw it as an opportunity to try harder. But, to my dismay, that was not the case.

Tenly shared with me that at school she cried, was very sad and did not want to go back. (Now, keep in mind, that has never been the case and she adores her teacher.) When I questioned why, she began to cry as she explained she had received a sad face, her second one, and Mrs. C was disappointed and sad with her because she could not try hard enough. I began to encourage her and explained what Mrs. C had intended by giving her that sad face, and that we just needed to continue to try hard. All she kept processing was that Mrs. C was sad with her, and her "smart brain" could not try hard enough anymore.

While doing her homework later, we struggled for her to even put anything on the paper because it might be wrong and if it was wrong she would get another sad face. It got to the point that we left it and have continued to go back and try throughout the weekend, because she just could not get past the fear of a sad face. Mind you, in times past, Mrs. C typically writes "practice at home", "work on this skill", "needs more practice", "keep trying". Tenly has always responded very well to these notes, and embraces continuing to practice or work on whatever skill necessary.

A "You CAN Do It" moment

Many people thought/think I am blowing this out of proportion and making a bigger deal out of it than it is, because I am going to ask for a conference to brainstorm with Mrs. C a more appropriate way of grading Tenly, that will encourage her rather than discourage her. And, maybe I am making a big deal out of nothing, maybe I am reacting out of the fear of what I went through as a child. But, I am going to follow in my wise mother's footsteps and ask God to guide me as I ensure Tenly will have the education she needs to make her successful.

I may be an overprotective, panicky, petty, pain-in-the-butt, erring on the side of caution, Momma- but I can live with those titles for my kids. I would always rather be over cautious than under cautious.

We Closed One Door & Let God Open The Other

A few posts ago, I talked about my husband, Lupe's, decision to leave his current job. I had mixed feelings about it considering he did not even have a prospect of a new job in sight. But, hearing the defeated sound in his voice- I just couldn't ask him to stay. Lupe recently shared with me he regretted part of his decision. He said, he still would of called me and told me he couldn't do it anymore- but he would of waited to give his notice until he had something else- he reacted emotionally. Anyone who knows Lupe, knows he is NOT an emotional person at all- he is VERY stable- so this was a very unusual thing. Then he told me he asked God to forgive him and to help him learn from it, and then asked God to show his grace and provide a new job.

Since Lupe gave his notice- I believe it was in July- he has been fervently putting out applications at any and every opportunity. Honestly, not many responses considering how many apps he was putting out there. There were many times I had to just talk to myself, quote the Word of God to prevent myself of becoming easily overwhelmed (as I do to often).

About a month ago, Lupe received a phone call regarding an application he put in with Winn Dixie grocery store as a Culinary Director. It was an attractive position in many ways. One of the biggest perks is it is less than 10 minutes down the road vs. the 20 minute drive we now have. The position leaves room for creativity and advancement and bonuses.

After Lupe's 3rd interview, the HR director called and told him he was her pick for the job- but he had to go into another interview with some other directors and to really sell himself. She even took the time to prep him for the interview for a bit. Well, 3 interviews after that Lupe was officially offered the position and he took it. He did have to take a pay cut, but even with that- he is so excited about this job and we both have a total peace.

I told Lupe about a week ago about how much I have grown through this process. I don't wish this type of situation on anyone, but I can honestly say I am thankful for it. My faith and trust in God would not be where it is had it not been for this very difficult process! God has blessed and kept us beyond my expectations. There was even another company who was really wanting Lupe to work for them and were so disappointed when he had to inform them he had taken the other position- that was a nice little bonus!!

We've questioned our decisions at times, Lupe even wondered if he's made a mistake when he took the job that moved us down here. We don't know why the picture has played out the way it has. Maybe the experience at the other place helped in getting him in at Winn Dixie. Maybe God placed Lupe there to minister to some of the other staff or plant some seeds. Maybe God was using the whole situation to strengthen my faith. I don't know why, but I do know that as hard as it has been...I'm grateful for the process and for the opportunity to share how faithful my God is.

Starting Young...

I remember the feeling of Gianna kicking for the first time while I was pregnant very vividly. Lupe and I were sitting in our typical seats on the front row at church on October 21, 2007. Our Pastor was on the stage leading the church body in a prayer for the nations. The stage at our church, had all the flags from all different countries going around the perimeter of it- Pastor had called for people to come up and lay hands on the different flags as we prayed. Lupe and I remained on the floor with our hands extended to the flags as we prayed- I remember Pastor saying boldly "...we declare unity in these countries, and that God's church and people will facilitate unity in all nations..."- that's when I felt it- KICK! Not just a little bump, but I solid KICK! I grabbed Lupe's hand in time to feel a second KICK! We both smiled ear to ear as we continued to pray.

All of a sudden, I sensed it was no coincidence that I felt that kick while we were praying for the nations. God began to whisper to my heart, and I feel He began to prepare my heart. God whispered Psalms 96:3, "Declare His glory among the nations, His marvelous works (deeds) among ALL people.", then I clearly heard as we continued to pray, "This Baby is called to the World". As I type this, I cry about as much as I did on that day. It is both such a wonderful and scary thing to have a child called to the World.

This has been on mind from this weekend. The church we currently attend, Community Christian Church, has a wonderful program called Community Impact. It is when our church comes together and has many different opportunities for everyone to serve the community. We chose to serve as a family by making PB&J sandwiches/lunches for the homeless. I was excited to begin showing our girls at 3 & 5 how we can give to others. They were beyond excited! Tenly was thrilled to make the PB&J sandwiches to where Gianna was more excited to pack the lunches in the bags (she didn't care for having sticky hands). I was put in charge of coordinating one of the rooms by making sure everyone had the supplies needed at the tables.

At one point I turned around, and saw Gianna packing the stuff in the bags and tears sprang into my eyes. God again whispered to me that this is the beginning of something much greater in her. I told her the little papers we were putting in each bag were telling the people how much we and God loved them. She told me, "..that's right, because Our God loves everybody..".

As Pastor Scott preached the following day about "Going Beyond", I was reminded again about Gianna somehow reaching the World. I don't know what she, or Tenly, are called to do. I don't know how or where I will watch her or them go. But, I know God will equip me to equip her, or them, to to go and He will equip me to let her or them. I can't do it without him- because He knows I'm in emotional wreck without Him....LOL!

What a discovery this week has been. The opportunity to serve others along side my children has been such an honor.

My NEED for ABSOLUTE Control!

I don't know what to do with myself!

It's a constant running joke between my family and friends- my NEED for control, and my inability to let go of it.

My control issues came to a head for me in the Bible Study I help to lead at church. We were discussing balance and how our husbands and children contribute to help. It was a major "A-ha" moment for me as I listened to the discussion. Lupe is wonderful, he contributes in many many ways- garbage, dishes, loading/unloading the dishwasher, laundry, making the bed, cooking, packing lunches, etc. My girls contribute (or so I thought)- they're responsible for picking up their bedroom, and keeping any and all toys put away in the APPROPRIATE and DESIGNATED space. I came to realize, during our discussion, that my girls were not really contributing enough- and it was all because of ME!

All of the other moms around me were talking about how their kids fold their laundry AND put it away. Here was my response (or excuse) to that.."..but it wouldn't be folded properly...they would just cram it in the drawers instead of putting it in the 'right' place...". (FYI: I am the one who refolded all the laundry after the babysitter had it done for me and my girls clothes are sorted very particularly in stacks divided for short/long/solid colored/printed etc.). The conversation then went to the kids unloading the dishwasher- my reaction (or excuse) to that one was pretty much the same as my reaction to the laundry. One of these mom's has a child younger than mine, and she helps too!

I had to sit back and evaluate WHY I can't allow my children (and sometimes my husband) to help and do. It pretty much comes down to the fact that I need it done exactyly my way! Sad, right?

I remember when we were unpacking boxes in our apartment, Lupe volunteered to go hang the shower rod. Easy enough, right? Not really something that can be messed up, right? That's why it's mind boggling as to why I followed him into the bathroom giving him instructions on how he should do it. Lupe finally turned around and looked at me and asked, "Do YOU just want to do it?". 

How much time, energy, stress, sleepless nights have I brought on myself out of my need to control everyone and everything around me? Because, believe me- when I am NOT in control, it can get pretty ugly. Sometimes, it comes down to trust and faith in God and in others- but sometimes, it's just stupid, petty stuff and NOT worth it!



Date Day!

 On Saturday, my husband arrange a "date afternoon"- lined out the babysitter, lunch, Christmas shopping, and a surprise. For my surprise, Lupe made me close my eyes until we arrived there. This was TORTURE! Even in church, when they tell everyone to bow their heads and close their eyes- I'll keep my head down but my eyes are open. I don't like "not knowing" (or something)! That meant, I couldn't tell him the best way to go, or where to park, and I couldn't even see if there was an oncoming car, or if I was going to stop in a pothole in my 4 inch heels! BUT, I was so proud (and Lupe was too) that I kept them closed and was very surprised as I opened my eyes to standing inside The Cheesecake Factory for my favorite Carrot Cake (I put on my FB status the day before I was craving it).

Well, needless to say- my girls are now folding laundry (and I'm trying not to refold it), and eventually they'll put it away (BABY STEPS), and are also unloading the dishwasher! I'm even letting them pick their own clothes out....sometimes! I love seeing how much they enjoy it, and even I enjoy it. I'm rediscovering that not only do my kids and husband need me, but I need them- and not only on MY terms.

I Never Imagined

FINALLY!
I've been wanting to get on here all week to Blog.................................
Last Saturday was the Women's Event at my church that I had the opportunity to speak at- I was excited nervous and expectant when I went to bed on Friday. When I awoke Saturday, I was still excited, nervous, and expectant- and a little chaotic!Let me back up for a minute. My incredible husband, Lupe, volunteered (after I gently suggested how talented he was to the team) to help with the food. He was making a quiche/egg casserole- we were serving a brunch. On Friday afternoon, we attacked Sam's Club and bought all the ingredients- and Lupe did a trial run to make sure he knew the exact time it was going to take for them to cook. Well, as prepared as my husband was- prepped ingredients night before and all- sometimes things still throw a curve ball. He had 12 large Casseroles to make, and we had allowed for 45 minutes for them to cook. Well, that didn't happen- the pans were to large so we couldn't put as many in the oven as we originally thought- and they were taking over an hour to cook, actually close to an hour and a half. Therefore, I was running a tad late and Lupe ended up getting there over an hour later than he hoped to help prep for serving the ladies. But, the chaos passed.....
I arrived to find Joanne (she was also sharing that day and is teaching the Bible Study also) having a similar type of morning. She and I had been working together to get all the decorations and centerpieces done for a couple of weeks and had been there a couple of days earlier putting the stage and "dining hall" together with several other volunteers- so we were really anticipating this to be a great day. After praying and reminding ourselves of why we were there- we were ready to be used to minister to these ladies- nerves and all.
As Stephanie Bringas (CCC's Conections Director) kicked off the event and then invited the worship team up, I was so relieved to enter into worship- it helped to calm me and completely put me at peace- I almost didn't even feel nervous. Joanne was the first to begin- as the ladies immediately responded with laughter to her opening monologue, it was so wonderful to see her shoulders just relax and see God just take control and use her!

Then I see my name and "my verse", Jeremiah 29:11, on the screen- I whispered, "..okay, God- me and You- here goes something.." as I walked to the center of the stage. I spit out the first line of my monologue- and kept going with absolute peace, "Okay, I might as well put it out there...I am one of The Good Moms..". The ladies were so receptive- and I do think God used me. My prayer had been, "God, I want each of these women to be met at their point of need..", I believe they were. New friends were made, decisions were made, choices were made, changes were made. Most of all, God used me. When I left Texas, I never imagined that I would be used in this way at all- especially this soon. I am leading a Bible Study and was given the opportunity to speak for a moment at a women's event. I have found myself wondering why me instead of someone else- and honestly, I don't know. But, I guess that's truly not important- it's hard to explain but- as I spoke to all those women what God had placed on my heart, I was ministered to in a major way that I cannot describe. A healing took place on that stage in front of all of those women, and I will be forever grateful. That was a day full of rediscovery....................................

Joanne and I

(Later this week, I will post the monologue that I did considering we did not get to video it)

Out of The Comfort Zone, Here Goes Nothing

Once we arrived in the Fort Lauderdale area, we quickly started searching for a church. Personally, I knew better than to wait. I guess I was kind of aware of the "state" I was in, and knew that if I took a break for weeks or months, I would get complacent and comfortable and would stop going. Deep down, it was also very apparent that I needed to continue to be fed the Word and be surrounded by others who would keep me encouraged and focused on God. Not to mention, I always want my kids to know that this is what we do as a family- we go to church to worship God and keep ourselves centered in Him.

We pretty quickly made the decision to join Community Christian Church, before we even decided that this would be our church home- I saw a Bible Study for Mom's that I knew was for me.

It wasn't comfortable to join a Bible Study where I didn't know anyone at all, and really didn't even know the ins and outs of the church yet. I just knew, that I needed some time to focus on Me and leave encouraged and uplifted- I knew this enough to force myself to show up, I am so glad I did. During that study, I met and have some of the closest friends I have had in a long time.

Joanne was the leader of that first Bible Study I did at CCC, and has become a wonderful friend. While planning the Studies for the school year, Joanne mentioned to our Connection Director, Stephanie, that she thought they should ask me to do a Thursday morning Study. I was a bit taken aback when I received that phone call. I couldn't believe it, someone saw potential in me? Enough potential to allow me to speak into other women's lives?

After prayer and talking with Lupe, I said Yes and felt the excitement building. I'll admit there were a couple times that I panicked because of past experiences in ministry related stuff- but I jumped the hurdle and plowed ahead. We're calling the Mom Group "Manna For Mommies" and are studying a book by the name of Real Mom's Real Jesus by Jill Savage. During the planning stages of our upcoming women's event (tomorrow!) where all the Studies for women will be introduce- Stephanie thought all of the Study leaders should speak. Now, I'm not very intimidated by a stage. Anyone who knows me, knows I am very talkative (some would say to talkative) and am typically not intimidated by people. But, as the day (TOMORROW) has grown closer, I have felt myself getting so nervous. Joanne and I both decided that we would do a fun monologue type thing before speaking. I think this is bringing on a bit of my nervousness- as much as I enjoy acting- it's been a LONG time!

Our decorations thus far.

Joanne and I have had a lot of fun planning for this event (this is my first and she's done a ton), so after we and a few of the ladies finished arranging all of the decor (pics to come) we had the opportunity to rehearse with the other 3 ladies. It went well, and I am so lucky that we had the opportunity to run through the monologue- it put me at ease and made me feel very confident that I am going in the right direction and God has guided me while writing it. I am speaking on being "One of The Good Moms". We're hoping to have a good enough recording so I can post it on here.

SO, as I sign off to go pray and memorize lines (SO hard, I feel like I pushed out my memory with the placenta and what didn't come out then my girls sucked out while breastfeeding, lol.), tomorrow around 10:00am- say a prayer for myself and the CCC ladies Ministry Team. We want this to be a safe place for women to let down their guard and trust God to meet them at their point of need.
I'm finding myself again, and to be honest- it's not where or how I thought! Doesn't it always seem to go that way? I'm realizing that on this journey, it's a little scary not knowing what's coming around each corner- but shockingly enough- it's a bit enjoyable and not all bad (can you hear that optimism coming out, lol?). Jeremiah 29:11- He knows!

Did I Just Say That?

Last night a funny thing happened. You know, one of those open mouth, insert foot moments. But, it's a bit comical (well, I think it was- we'll see how it comes across written) and was probably a very good "uh-oh".
I was feeling a bit strange last night. I was a bit tired, a little cranky- and was thinking my sugar levels were high (especially the way I ate throughout the day). I was needing to fold laundry, but decided to ignore it (I know- BIG shocker) and laid down. My back has been bothering me, so Lupe offered to go heat me up a hot pad to put on it. When he came back, he noticed I was acting a bit strangely, he quickly recognized the symptoms of a low blood sugar. As he reached to get my glucometer to my blood sugar, he asked if I was okay? All of a sudden I hear myself bust out in tears, and blurt out "I AM SO SCARED", as I continued to sob. I remember him saying, "..I know..", but that's all I remember of his reaction.

As my sugar levels started to go up, I started remembering, and then felt this blanket of guilt weigh on me. I kept trying to remember the look on Lupe's face- but can't, tried to remember how long I cried, and praying I didn't say anything else. Then I remembered him coming back to check my sugar to make sure it was up, he squeezed my arm, and said softly, "It's okay to be scared".

Let me back up and say that ever since Lupe gave his notice at work, I have been fluctuating between faith and fear. I would love to say that I have this iron back of steal that stands on Faith unwavering.....but I'm human and so far from perfect that I can't say that. When anxiety and fear do try to take over- I start talking to myself and declaring what God says and His promises to Lupe and I, Tenly, and Gianna.

Because I know Lupe is carrying much of what I am, and is also carrying the fact that he is the provider for our family- I have tried (unsuccessfully, I'm sure) to hide when I begin to be overwhelmed with reality. Knowing Lupe, I know he does the same for me. We all know, this is not a healthy thing to do- to suppress feelings- especially ones so overwhelming. I mean, our situation is not the best- the facts stacked against us in reality are not the best considering our finances. It's a lot for me to carry, and even more for Lupe to carry- BUT God.

So, my blood sugar dropping caused my "guard" to fall and my overwhelmed heart was exposed for a short period of time. As badly as I felt for allowing Lupe to see my fear, and give him one more thing to carry, it wasn't all bad. This is where I (we) are, and I am growing once again in my faith and prayer life. I am determined to let God carry this one- because I can't- it's to big and I am  not even close to able. I am so Thankful, He is!
(This is a nice story of a low blood sugar! I, and many others, have some hysterical stories of my "guard" falling. Those stories will wait for another time, another post....maybe!)