Dreams and Prayers..

Dreaming...for my kids.

I think every parent wants to be able to give/provide everything for their children that they want/have need of.

Right now, the main thing my girls want is to go to Disney World. This is something that is a want- definitely not a 'need'- but a something that every child should have the opportunity to experience (Not sure Disney sees it this way with their prices.). It will happen....one day.

Besides Disney, I dream of my girls playing sports, dancing in ballet classes and recitals, being involved and confident in school and going to college. Our family is under some "budgeting constraints" at the moment, which are preventing some of these extras; sometimes that hurts this Momma's heart.

But, as I watch my oldest daughter struggle to find her "voice" while in school and overcoming fear, I find myself focusing my dreams...I mean prayers, on different things.

My girls will know God's Word for themselves to be true and powerful. Psalms 19:10

My girls will feel and know the confidence that comes from being a Child of God. 2 Timothy 1:7

My girls will be leaders. Romans 12:2

M girls will do what is right because it is right. Psalms 25:21

My girls will show God's love to each other and those around them. 1 Timothy 4:12

My girls will pursue the call and purpose that God has placed over their life. Psalms 138:8

I have struggled with confidence for much of my life and it has caused me a lot of pain and prevented me from pursuing many dreams- I refuse to watch my girls walk that road. That not only means that I have to declare these scriptures over them but also over myself. I hate to think that there are things they have seen in me that may be playing into their lack of confidence- but that is the reality.

The things that I want my girls to experience that are attached to monetary can bring them some smiles, fun and teach them some things- but I am quickly realizing that those things hold a strong second place in comparison to that list I just made.

We have always prayed scriptures over our children, but there is an even stronger emphasis being placed on doing so. I found myself so focused on all of the things we just can't do for our girls right now and it really had me down. Then one day after we had spoken with Tenly's teacher, it was as if the clouds parted and I was given a revelation of where I needed to focus my energy right now- not on what we can't do but on what we can do. To be honest, my girls need my prayers right now more than anything else and that is something I am extremely good at.

I have hung scriptures beside my girls beds, I want them to see first thing in the morning and before they close their eyes at night to know that according to 2 Timothy 1:7 "God has NOT given them a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-discipline."

I Never Imagined

FINALLY!
I've been wanting to get on here all week to Blog.................................
Last Saturday was the Women's Event at my church that I had the opportunity to speak at- I was excited nervous and expectant when I went to bed on Friday. When I awoke Saturday, I was still excited, nervous, and expectant- and a little chaotic!Let me back up for a minute. My incredible husband, Lupe, volunteered (after I gently suggested how talented he was to the team) to help with the food. He was making a quiche/egg casserole- we were serving a brunch. On Friday afternoon, we attacked Sam's Club and bought all the ingredients- and Lupe did a trial run to make sure he knew the exact time it was going to take for them to cook. Well, as prepared as my husband was- prepped ingredients night before and all- sometimes things still throw a curve ball. He had 12 large Casseroles to make, and we had allowed for 45 minutes for them to cook. Well, that didn't happen- the pans were to large so we couldn't put as many in the oven as we originally thought- and they were taking over an hour to cook, actually close to an hour and a half. Therefore, I was running a tad late and Lupe ended up getting there over an hour later than he hoped to help prep for serving the ladies. But, the chaos passed.....
I arrived to find Joanne (she was also sharing that day and is teaching the Bible Study also) having a similar type of morning. She and I had been working together to get all the decorations and centerpieces done for a couple of weeks and had been there a couple of days earlier putting the stage and "dining hall" together with several other volunteers- so we were really anticipating this to be a great day. After praying and reminding ourselves of why we were there- we were ready to be used to minister to these ladies- nerves and all.
As Stephanie Bringas (CCC's Conections Director) kicked off the event and then invited the worship team up, I was so relieved to enter into worship- it helped to calm me and completely put me at peace- I almost didn't even feel nervous. Joanne was the first to begin- as the ladies immediately responded with laughter to her opening monologue, it was so wonderful to see her shoulders just relax and see God just take control and use her!

Then I see my name and "my verse", Jeremiah 29:11, on the screen- I whispered, "..okay, God- me and You- here goes something.." as I walked to the center of the stage. I spit out the first line of my monologue- and kept going with absolute peace, "Okay, I might as well put it out there...I am one of The Good Moms..". The ladies were so receptive- and I do think God used me. My prayer had been, "God, I want each of these women to be met at their point of need..", I believe they were. New friends were made, decisions were made, choices were made, changes were made. Most of all, God used me. When I left Texas, I never imagined that I would be used in this way at all- especially this soon. I am leading a Bible Study and was given the opportunity to speak for a moment at a women's event. I have found myself wondering why me instead of someone else- and honestly, I don't know. But, I guess that's truly not important- it's hard to explain but- as I spoke to all those women what God had placed on my heart, I was ministered to in a major way that I cannot describe. A healing took place on that stage in front of all of those women, and I will be forever grateful. That was a day full of rediscovery....................................

Joanne and I

(Later this week, I will post the monologue that I did considering we did not get to video it)

Out of The Comfort Zone, Here Goes Nothing

Once we arrived in the Fort Lauderdale area, we quickly started searching for a church. Personally, I knew better than to wait. I guess I was kind of aware of the "state" I was in, and knew that if I took a break for weeks or months, I would get complacent and comfortable and would stop going. Deep down, it was also very apparent that I needed to continue to be fed the Word and be surrounded by others who would keep me encouraged and focused on God. Not to mention, I always want my kids to know that this is what we do as a family- we go to church to worship God and keep ourselves centered in Him.

We pretty quickly made the decision to join Community Christian Church, before we even decided that this would be our church home- I saw a Bible Study for Mom's that I knew was for me.

It wasn't comfortable to join a Bible Study where I didn't know anyone at all, and really didn't even know the ins and outs of the church yet. I just knew, that I needed some time to focus on Me and leave encouraged and uplifted- I knew this enough to force myself to show up, I am so glad I did. During that study, I met and have some of the closest friends I have had in a long time.

Joanne was the leader of that first Bible Study I did at CCC, and has become a wonderful friend. While planning the Studies for the school year, Joanne mentioned to our Connection Director, Stephanie, that she thought they should ask me to do a Thursday morning Study. I was a bit taken aback when I received that phone call. I couldn't believe it, someone saw potential in me? Enough potential to allow me to speak into other women's lives?

After prayer and talking with Lupe, I said Yes and felt the excitement building. I'll admit there were a couple times that I panicked because of past experiences in ministry related stuff- but I jumped the hurdle and plowed ahead. We're calling the Mom Group "Manna For Mommies" and are studying a book by the name of Real Mom's Real Jesus by Jill Savage. During the planning stages of our upcoming women's event (tomorrow!) where all the Studies for women will be introduce- Stephanie thought all of the Study leaders should speak. Now, I'm not very intimidated by a stage. Anyone who knows me, knows I am very talkative (some would say to talkative) and am typically not intimidated by people. But, as the day (TOMORROW) has grown closer, I have felt myself getting so nervous. Joanne and I both decided that we would do a fun monologue type thing before speaking. I think this is bringing on a bit of my nervousness- as much as I enjoy acting- it's been a LONG time!

Our decorations thus far.

Joanne and I have had a lot of fun planning for this event (this is my first and she's done a ton), so after we and a few of the ladies finished arranging all of the decor (pics to come) we had the opportunity to rehearse with the other 3 ladies. It went well, and I am so lucky that we had the opportunity to run through the monologue- it put me at ease and made me feel very confident that I am going in the right direction and God has guided me while writing it. I am speaking on being "One of The Good Moms". We're hoping to have a good enough recording so I can post it on here.

SO, as I sign off to go pray and memorize lines (SO hard, I feel like I pushed out my memory with the placenta and what didn't come out then my girls sucked out while breastfeeding, lol.), tomorrow around 10:00am- say a prayer for myself and the CCC ladies Ministry Team. We want this to be a safe place for women to let down their guard and trust God to meet them at their point of need.
I'm finding myself again, and to be honest- it's not where or how I thought! Doesn't it always seem to go that way? I'm realizing that on this journey, it's a little scary not knowing what's coming around each corner- but shockingly enough- it's a bit enjoyable and not all bad (can you hear that optimism coming out, lol?). Jeremiah 29:11- He knows!

Tired of Dealing With Stupid Numbers!

The other day I went to do a little shopping (I ended up with nothing to do and had no children)at my favorite second hand store, Plato's Closet,which is right around the corner. I saw a pair of pants my "size"- whatever that is! (Now I'm struggling with saying what size I actually wear, but here goes nothing...) You see, I've been a size 7/8 or 9/10 for many years now. A 9/10 is often a bit loose, but it's better- no safer- to get that size than to get the 7/8 and have it not fit. When it doesn't fit- my brain goes into overload and I begin to obsess and get almost depressed- so I find myself often getting a 9/10 to be safe. You would think I'd just try it on, right? Well, I hate trying on stuff and I feel 'safer' trying on in my own home (crazy, I know). So, I found these cute jeans- they were a 9/10- so the mind game began- "..do I get it or look for a 7/8? No, if I get a 7/8 it will probably be to tight! But, what if these are to big? No, they wont be to big, I'm sure I've probably gained a few pounds and they'll fit perfectly...". I bought the jeans, I tried them on when I arrived home... and THEY'RE TO BIG! As long as I wear a belt they're okay- but a 7/8 would of been perfect! Here's my "big deal" with this:

Later that night I was so frustrated with myself! Why am I still battling this? I hate comparing myself to other women all the time, I see a woman and think to myself "Is that about the size I am?" or  "Is that what I look like to other people?" or "I wish I could look like that!". I saw myself in a picture recently, and was a bit shocked! I couldn't believe that I didn't look heavier- I actually looked pretty slender. It may be weird not to be able to truly see yourself in the mirror- but I really don't see "me"- my size- when I look in the mirror. The way I looked in the mirror when I was my most comfortable 3/4-5/6 really does not look any different than I do now at a 7/8-9/10.
Great strides have been made over the years: I do not have to weigh backwards anymore at the doctors office anymore, I even get onto the scale on occasion and don't really freak out, I do not obsess over food, I do not lay awake at night counting calories. As great as these things are- I don't want to compare myself to others and tumble inward when I see someone I am envious of. I want to look in the mirror and see ME and like what I see. Of course, these are all things that SO many women want also. I would also love for "my girls" to sit a little higher and perkier, my once flat/tight tummy to be flat/tight again, for my thighs and butt to stop jiggling once I've stopped moving- it's funny that I don't obsess over these (as much as I'd love to have them) but I continue to let those stupid numbers (size and weight) get to me!

Anyway, I have come a very long way with my battle with numbers and my weight. The weight I am now- I do not LOVE, but I am content with it. The fact that I'm a Diabetic on insulin makes it twice as hard to lose this last 10 pounds- so I'm okay with it. I'm struggling right now with whether I should say "the" number in this post. There was a time several friends and I were standing around all talking/complaining about our weight- 2 of my friends were much heavier than the rest of us- one of them finally spoke up and pointed out how much she would love to be the size of any of us and we should all consider ourselves blessed not to be fighting her battle. She was right! The fact that I struggle with these things in my head annoys me- because I am not fighting even a quarter of the battle of many others- I feel so selfish and guilty for fighting this battle in my mind.

Over the years, especially after having 2 girls, I have become very cautious of my words. I strive to never use the words "diet" or "fat and skinny"- I always want my family's goal to be on maintaining a healthy lifestyle. I am always keeping myself in check on this one- sometimes failing miserably!

After my little check at Plato's the other day, I realized I still having a battle going on in my mind. I am on a mission to rediscover ME and The ME God has created ME to be! So, according to Romans 12:2 I have to renew my mind and that happens through The Word. So, I am going to start being a little more aggressive in declaring "Who I Am In Christ"- because I know I was not created to be insecure, depressed, self centered, and selfish. In order to make a real difference, I have to become comfortable with me.

As I began typing this, I almost put "the number" in here about 6 times- and just couldn't do it. I was really hoping by the end I'd be able to do it, but I just can't YET! Hopefully, very soon I will be able to put that number on my blog and feel really good about it- not because it would be my "perfect" number, but because I'm okay with whatever that number may be- because that number does not define me.

I Was Made For This

Questioning Myself, AGAIN!

What was I thinking....? I can't even begin to tell how many times I said that to myself (and out loud) since yesterday! I posted this blog publicly- have I lost my mind!!!!????
I started this thing as an outlet for me to sort out all of my "junk"- it was totally for me. I allowed a few people to look, I figured if it helped (or entertained) someone as I sorted through it all- that was okay by me. I don't know when or how I decided to post it and let everyone look at it- I just hit the button.
At first, I felt such relief in doing it- it felt good not to let it matter how people did/did not judge me, what they did/did not think. It didn't matter if they rolled their eyes or laughed at me- the confidence I felt in 'not caring' felt so empowering....for about 5 minutes! Then I started to play out a million scenarios in my head (everything from people laughing at my writing skills- or lack thereof- or at me in general), and began to feel completely overwhelmed- What Was I THINKING!
THEN, I had to 'speak' to myself, and reevaluate me, my motives, my intentions, and my objectives.
- I had to remind myself- that people have a life and are not sitting around consumed by me and my blog- (what a revelation!). As much as many of us would like to sit back and think it's all about us at times- it's not.

- I also feel the need to state, that this is my perception of situations and circumstances that have brought me to where I am. There is definitely 2 sides to every situation and circumstance- and this is only mine.
- I also feel this is a God thing. As I've been writing, I feel myself gaining perspective, praying and embracing those who have hurt me, and I'm discovering the responsibility I've held at different times. God is written all over all of that.
- Through this process of blogging, I am learning and discovering things about myself which will bring about necessary changes that will better me. THAT is one of my main objectives- to learn and grow in a way that will help me deal with myself and make necessary changes so that I can be a more effective self, wife, mother, friend, and Child of God. You know how when you talk to a friend (that's a great listener), and all the questions you have you end up answering yourself as you talk? That's kind of what I'm doing here- or trying at least.
If someone can relate, or embrace me in the process- what an accomplishment. I do not intend on hurting, exposing, embarrassing anyone- I'm just trying to sort through all my junk- junk that I failed to deal with in the past- and find me again. So, it doesn't matter- it's not about anyone else- it's about me (in a good way this time). Although, I still have a bit of anxiety about it- I'm okay with 'selfishly' focusing on me and enjoying the process of becoming a better me.
This morning I have found myself focusing on Jeremiah 29:11 again- such hope!
There's a song, "I Was Made For This", it's a song/dance that was performed at my former Pastors church, The Cathedral, in Oklahoma. I feel like this song speaks of what I am trying to embrace. Knowing that God has a plan and I have a purpose, I know I was created for something bigger than myself. I can be consumed with what others think or say- I have to walk in the confidence that I was created for His Purpose and am worthy of His love.    

I KNOW I Have a Purpose...I Think!?!?

I'm sure we've all questioned our purpose/job/what we were created for at one time or another. I know I have many times.....I question/wonder about it to much. But those questions remind me of circumstances in my life that prove I do have some purpose. For expample:
When I was a baby, I developed Spinal Meningitis- I had it for over a week with a dangerously high fever before it was properly diagnosed. I slipped into coma for a few days, that is until our Pastor came in and prayed for me- my extremely high fever broke as I sat up in bed and asked for my Daddy. I have no damage from the high fever or anything else.
When I was 15, a van slammed into me, throwing me through the air, while I was crossing a major highway in Clearwater. Not only did I survive it, but had no injury outside of major bruising/scrapes/soreness (the van, on the other hand, had a ton of damage). I pretty much walked away from that one- the doctors couldn't even believe it.
There is the allergic reaction I had to Demerol at 16. When I was finally able to wake up- I went into seizures.
The difficult fight with anorexia/bulimia from the age of 17-22. I successfully overcame it only to see it show it's ugly head again when I was 23(in a different form) and almost killed me- more about that later.
Of course, there's the one that I still deal with every day- it was discovered at the age of 21. I was suddenly, out of nowhere, diagnosed with Type 1 Juvenile Diabetes. I know what your thinking- I was probably unhealthy, overweight, etc. BUT, I was everything but that! As I was trying to defeat the eating disorder- I became a bit of an exercise nut- and was eating more normally, although extremely healthy. So, I weighed about 105 pounds (barley 5 ft. tall), exercised regularly (a bit to much), ate healthy, AND my relationship with God was very strong- the best it had been in a long time! I was at Bible School at the time (Texas Bible Institute), I became sick- no energy, no appetite, weight loss, eye site deteriorating, major leg cramps, drinking GALLONS of water a day- just feeling horrible! I had no idea that for 3 months I had every symptom of Diabetes.
Myself and a few friends went home to Florida for Spring Break. I arrived and everyone flipped when they saw me- I was down to 89 lbs and just looked horrible (my mother didn't even recognize me at first). Everyone feared I was dealing with the anorexia again- I agreed to go to the doctor for blood work before leaving for the beach the next morning. I never made it the beach- instead I was admitted into the hospital for 10 days with a blood sugar of 900+ (normal is 90-120). Before I knew it- Insulin and glucometers were my new best friends. I quickly found myself bitter/angry/confused/depressed, it would be many years until I would recognize and deal with these emotions.
It is a hard thing to adjust to, all of my eating and exercise habits had to immediately change. Trying to learn the balance of insulin, food, and exercise caused me to go into severe hypoglycemia on more than one occasion.
The worst, was when my anger/bitterness over the Diabetes almost killed me. After living with the disease a couple of years- and being the 'perfect (terrified) diabetic'- I completely rebelled and slipped into a Diabetic Eating Disorder (you see, when your sugars are high- you lose weight. Mind you, I weighed 120 pounds). For 2 years, I took enough insulin to keep me alive, never checked my blood sugar, and ate anything/everything I wasn't suppose to. When I finally decided enough was enough- I need to get healthy again- I went to my doctor for a run down. They called me the next day- my doctor said my cholesterol was CRAZY high and my HbA1c was 22- apparently that is the highest A1c that whole team of doctors had ever seen. She told me if I didn't do something NOW- I would have a heart attack and be dead before I was 27. You could say that scared me. I began to take my responsibility towards my health serious. My body went into "after shocks"  of my 2 years of rebellion. Basically, my organs started shutting down because of the severe nerve damage my high blood sugars had caused. For 2 years I spiraled down hill faster than any doctor could catch me. I dropped down to 59 pounds, I couldn't eat, was in so much severe pain- no drug seemed to help. After 21 months of starring death in the face- my team of doctors told me I had spiraled into a wasting syndrome- and if we couldn't get ahead of it- they gave me 2 weeks to live. I remember looking in the mirror and for the first time in my life- I saw myself as sickeningly thin- I could count and see every bone in my body and looked like death- I decided at that moment- I wanted to live. It took a lot of fighting for another 6 months- but I made it!

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a desert with tumbleweeds rolling past me. I can honestly say- I don't know exactly what my purpose/job/calling is (outside of wife/mother/Christan)- and I think that is very sad at almost 37 years old. But,  I KNOW, that I KNOW, that I KNOW it MUST be something for someone- the circumstances I talked about above tells me that. My Daddy GOD has brought me and sustained me many times for me not to have a BIG purpose! I must be here for something bigger than myself- and I'm still determined to rediscover exactly what that is.