Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Tired of Dealing With Stupid Numbers!

The other day I went to do a little shopping (I ended up with nothing to do and had no children)at my favorite second hand store, Plato's Closet,which is right around the corner. I saw a pair of pants my "size"- whatever that is! (Now I'm struggling with saying what size I actually wear, but here goes nothing...) You see, I've been a size 7/8 or 9/10 for many years now. A 9/10 is often a bit loose, but it's better- no safer- to get that size than to get the 7/8 and have it not fit. When it doesn't fit- my brain goes into overload and I begin to obsess and get almost depressed- so I find myself often getting a 9/10 to be safe. You would think I'd just try it on, right? Well, I hate trying on stuff and I feel 'safer' trying on in my own home (crazy, I know). So, I found these cute jeans- they were a 9/10- so the mind game began- "..do I get it or look for a 7/8? No, if I get a 7/8 it will probably be to tight! But, what if these are to big? No, they wont be to big, I'm sure I've probably gained a few pounds and they'll fit perfectly...". I bought the jeans, I tried them on when I arrived home... and THEY'RE TO BIG! As long as I wear a belt they're okay- but a 7/8 would of been perfect! Here's my "big deal" with this:
Later that night I was so frustrated with myself! Why am I still battling this? I hate comparing myself to other women all the time, I see a woman and think to myself "Is that about the size I am?" or  "Is that what I look like to other people?" or "I wish I could look like that!". I saw myself in a picture recently, and was a bit shocked! I couldn't believe that I didn't look heavier- I actually looked pretty slender. It may be weird not to be able to truly see yourself in the mirror- but I really don't see "me"- my size- when I look in the mirror. The way I looked in the mirror when I was my most comfortable 3/4-5/6 really does not look any different than I do now at a 7/8-9/10.
Great strides have been made over the years: I do not have to weigh backwards anymore at the doctors office anymore, I even get onto the scale on occasion and don't really freak out, I do not obsess over food, I do not lay awake at night counting calories. As great as these things are- I don't want to compare myself to others and tumble inward when I see someone I am envious of. I want to look in the mirror and see ME and like what I see. Of course, these are all things that SO many women want also. I would also love for "my girls" to sit a little higher and perkier, my once flat/tight tummy to be flat/tight again, for my thighs and butt to stop jiggling once I've stopped moving- it's funny that I don't obsess over these (as much as I'd love to have them) but I continue to let those stupid numbers (size and weight) get to me!
Anyway, I have come a very long way with my battle with numbers and my weight. The weight I am now- I do not LOVE, but I am content with it. The fact that I'm a Diabetic on insulin makes it twice as hard to lose this last 10 pounds- so I'm okay with it. I'm struggling right now with whether I should say "the" number in this post. There was a time several friends and I were standing around all talking/complaining about our weight- 2 of my friends were much heavier than the rest of us- one of them finally spoke up and pointed out how much she would love to be the size of any of us and we should all consider ourselves blessed not to be fighting her battle. She was right! The fact that I struggle with these things in my head annoys me- because I am not fighting even a quarter of the battle of many others- I feel so selfish and guilty for fighting this battle in my mind.
Over the years, especially after having 2 girls, I have become very cautious of my words. I strive to never use the words "diet" or "fat and skinny"- I always want my family's goal to be on maintaining a healthy lifestyle. I am always keeping myself in check on this one- sometimes failing miserably!
After my little check at Plato's the other day, I realized I still having a battle going on in my mind. I am on a mission to rediscover ME and The ME God has created ME to be! So, according to Romans 12:2 I have to renew my mind and that happens through The Word. So, I am going to start being a little more aggressive in declaring "Who I Am In Christ"- because I know I was not created to be insecure, depressed, self centered, and selfish. In order to make a real difference, I have to become comfortable with me.
As I began typing this, I almost put "the number" in here about 6 times- and just couldn't do it. I was really hoping by the end I'd be able to do it, but I just can't YET! Hopefully, very soon I will be able to put that number on my blog and feel really good about it- not because it would be my "perfect" number, but because I'm okay with whatever that number may be- because that number does not define me.

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