Monday, June 20, 2011

Stability, Safety, Securtity

Lupe and I were 38 and 29 when we got engaged. Although we were a bit 'older', we still thought it would be very wise to seek premarital counseling before we were married. It wasn't the easiest thing to do considering Lupe was in Texas and I in Florida- but Pastor Ben, one of my Pastors growing up, made it almost easy. He sent Lupe and I a set of the videos and the workbooks- a couple of times a week Lupe and I would study and watch the videos together. Pastor Ben would alternate having phone sessions with either one of us or both of us every week- it took a bit of work but it was so worth it! Towards the end, Pastor Ben asked us what things we needed from each other. Behind Unconditional Love, I remember my next 3 to be Stability, Safety, and Security. I am very blessed to have a husband who truly strives to make sure I, and the girls, have these 3 things and will do just about anything to make sure we always do and always will.
Change scares me, I guess it scares everyone to an extent, but I have literally been paralyzed with fear of the unknown at times- not knowing means you are walking blindly and have to survive on a pure raw TRUST. Change and the unknown brings no promise of stability, safety, or security. To Trust, means to let go and forces you to function without a plan- that takes me so far outside my comfort zone I can't even see straight- and at times makes me a difficult person to live with (I know, your shocked)!
There was a few times during our 3 year, never ending, wait to transition out of the ministry, that things were going pretty good. I would find myself asking God, are you sure we're suppose to leave. Starting wondering if I need to stop "rocking the boat"- if I stopped praying about it- maybe God would 'forget' that we were suppose to be preparing our hearts to leave, comical right? But, ultimately- I always knew the time was coming regardless of how great or not so great things were going. Looking back, it's so obvious God knew what He was doing. There were a few situations that took place after we gave our notice, those situations would of made it very hard to stay considering we just had a very different perspective. It wasn't exactly a matter of right/wrong- but it was becoming clear that our vision and perspective were different from the leadership. When you work in a ministry you must share the same vision or else you and your heart will always be in a tug-of-war with the pastoral staff and that can never be productive. Lupe used to counsel staff and students and tell them, "When it's your ministry- you can do it differently- but as long as you're serving this leadership you must line yourself up with their vision and support it". We were no different and had to hold ourselves accountable to that same counsel.
Anyway, I finally had to sit down and analyze myself and figure out what was making me so stir crazy about us being ready to give that resignation when we were give the green light from God. I was quickly taken back to those 3 words: Stability, Safety, Security. The ministry we were serving in definitely painted a picture of those- our beautiful big "rent free" home, no water bill, Lupe worked 3 minutes down the road, "free" full medical insurance for the whole family, "free" yard maintenance, "free" trash collection, go karts/huge water slides/horses/swimming pool on the property, meals at the camp (when I was to lazy to cook)- of course, although these things were "free"- they came with a price. But, it was so easy to look at from the outside (we call it the "Disney World" mentality- everything looks magical at Disney but you may get a different perspective from the employees and executives)and when we thought of all the things moving away were going to bring it even looked attractive to us. But, if you are not where you are suppose to be- listening to God's plan/voice- those things I just listed don't even make you feel Stable, Safe, or Secure anymore.
I began trying to trust- God, Lupe, and I knew that this was not going to come easy for me. I was honest with God and He was patient with me. My excitement and hope for our upcoming future and what we call "Our New Life" started to overshadow my fear of change. Looking back, it's amazing to see where God has literally carried us through the last 1 1/2 years- and of course I can't help but speak of His faithfulness and how I am able to trust a lot easier nowadays. I hate that God had to prove Himself to show me, I wish I could of just said "Okay"- but of course God does whatever He has to and always helps us where we lack. This last year hasn't exactly been Stable at times, but we never went without, we were always Safe, and we were always Secure, and everyday we are more and more Stable.

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