Dreams and Prayers..

Dreaming...for my kids.

I think every parent wants to be able to give/provide everything for their children that they want/have need of.

Right now, the main thing my girls want is to go to Disney World. This is something that is a want- definitely not a 'need'- but a something that every child should have the opportunity to experience (Not sure Disney sees it this way with their prices.). It will happen....one day.

Besides Disney, I dream of my girls playing sports, dancing in ballet classes and recitals, being involved and confident in school and going to college. Our family is under some "budgeting constraints" at the moment, which are preventing some of these extras; sometimes that hurts this Momma's heart.

But, as I watch my oldest daughter struggle to find her "voice" while in school and overcoming fear, I find myself focusing my dreams...I mean prayers, on different things.

My girls will know God's Word for themselves to be true and powerful. Psalms 19:10

My girls will feel and know the confidence that comes from being a Child of God. 2 Timothy 1:7

My girls will be leaders. Romans 12:2

M girls will do what is right because it is right. Psalms 25:21

My girls will show God's love to each other and those around them. 1 Timothy 4:12

My girls will pursue the call and purpose that God has placed over their life. Psalms 138:8

I have struggled with confidence for much of my life and it has caused me a lot of pain and prevented me from pursuing many dreams- I refuse to watch my girls walk that road. That not only means that I have to declare these scriptures over them but also over myself. I hate to think that there are things they have seen in me that may be playing into their lack of confidence- but that is the reality.

The things that I want my girls to experience that are attached to monetary can bring them some smiles, fun and teach them some things- but I am quickly realizing that those things hold a strong second place in comparison to that list I just made.

We have always prayed scriptures over our children, but there is an even stronger emphasis being placed on doing so. I found myself so focused on all of the things we just can't do for our girls right now and it really had me down. Then one day after we had spoken with Tenly's teacher, it was as if the clouds parted and I was given a revelation of where I needed to focus my energy right now- not on what we can't do but on what we can do. To be honest, my girls need my prayers right now more than anything else and that is something I am extremely good at.

I have hung scriptures beside my girls beds, I want them to see first thing in the morning and before they close their eyes at night to know that according to 2 Timothy 1:7 "God has NOT given them a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-discipline."

Shutting Down

What do you do when you get some stressful unexpected news? I am realizing..again..that I tend to not deal with it well.

Yesterday, my husband called with some pretty bad news (I will spare you the details, but just know- it was money related, and not good.). After I hung up the phone, I found myself a bit short of breath and mildly shaking. Over the following 30 minutes I literally found myself shut down.

I was suppose to Blog yesterday, and after the "bad news" came- I just straight up avoided it. Today I can't even remember what I was planning to write yesterday- and to be honest, I had to force myself to sit down and write today. 

I guess I feel very vulnerable when dealing with something so personal.

I have been a born again Christian for a very long time, at this point in my relationship with God I should be beyond this shutting down thing. I should instantly begin quoting God's Word, 

" When I get really afraid I come to you in trust. I'm proud to praise God; fearless now, I trust in God.What can mere mortals do?" Psalm 56:3-4 (The MSG), 

and stand in Faith in complete Trust.

I must admit I didn't do that. I found myself saying this, "Why are we still here? When are we beyond this? Enough is ENOUGH!", and I said it more than once. Cried a few tears...more than once.

Eventually, I did call a friend who couldn't talk at the moment and would call back. As I hung up the phone I realized, I had yet to talk to God. It was a very good thing my friend couldn't talk at the time. I sat down, cried a few (more) tears and told God I was sorry and began to talk to him. 

There were several things that were brought to light in this situation that I was forced to "deal" with. My faith/trust issues (again), my anger and my husband and I lacking a bit of communication in certain areas.

I put some praise and worship on to help me get my heart and attitude focused where it should be. I instantly went to this song by Ricardo Sanchez, "It's Not Over"- I just let that song take root in my heart.

Financial issues are hard on anyone in any circumstance- it's never fun and can push you into a corner.

The hardest part for me yesterday was thinking of my girls. At first, I was having a bit of a pity party. There are several things I need...(I guess some are wants) to get for them, experiences I really want them to have (and they deserve to have) and we just can't do it right now. 

Every parent wants to do better/more for their kids than what they had/did- I think that's normal. That's what I was dealing with. 

At the same time, we are doing pretty good, especially in comparison with others. My kids have clothes and toys. Our refrigerator and pantry may not be filled to overflowing- but we have food. More than any of that, we have each other and we are surrounded with a ton of love.

We will be okay. I am continuing to learn to humble myself and trust God and put my faith in Him. He can and will do more than I can ever imagine or think if I give Him the chance to.

Keep us in your prayers, one day this will be another testimony of God's Faithfulness in our lives!

Eva: A Real Mom of Incredible Faith

One thing I have enjoyed about spotlighting these different Moms is the variety involved. Last week, I featured my friend Sandi who is now a Grandma- I think it so great for us young(er) Mom’s to appreciate perspectives from before us. Today, Mrs. Eva is gracing us with wisdom. This woman is AMAZING!

I met Mrs. Eva while her son, Greg, was attending TBI. Greg was a graduate of the Bible school and followed by coming on staff with BMI. The circumstances I met her through, were not the best but have enabled me to learn so much from this incredible woman of faith. While working at the camp, Greg was struck by lightening. While he was rehabilitating, Mrs. Eva flew to Texas from New York to be with him. I admired that she was not his Mom, but his advocate in every way. You would walk in to see Greg, and all you saw and heard was scripture and faith. I am sure Eva had difficult moments, but she never once allowed them to rule or dominate her, Greg or the circumstance.

Doctors said many times many things that Greg would NEVER do, but Greg has proven him wrong in every circumstance. Mrs. Eva stood beside him never allowing The Word that was put in him to die- and I believe that is the main reason he has broken the odds.

Every time Mrs. Eva would come to the camp to visit, she taught me something within our conversation whether short or long. Every time I log onto Facebook, there is an encouraging word on Mrs. Eva’s status- never fails. I hope you take something away from this great Woman of Faith today:

I was born Eva Marie Robinson and I ALWAYS thought that name meant PRINCESS. I was one of 6 kids by two parents who were both very strongly opinionated. They both had hard lives as kids thus; we were raised with modified imperfect parenting. Of course, as children, were NEVER going to raise our own kids "that way."
As a young girl, I always wanted to be married and have children. I NEVER saw my life without that. I did work outside my home as an adult, never aspiring to climb the corporate ladder. I wanted to have a family and my family has always been more important to me
I knew of God, but was not saved until I was pregnant with my 4th child. As I grew in my relationship with Jesus, I knew I wanted my children to have this Jesus and committed them to Him through dedications at church.

Being a mom. Oh I so did not know what that meant. Unrealistic dreams and ideas of perfect children created problems (for me) but I want people to know that the grace of God is amazing. It was only by His grace that I did not hurt my kids or go crazy (literally). And because He is good, things did turn out well. My only advice to new couples and new to be parents would be to love God more than you love each other- because if you love God, you will know how to love each other. It really is a process and step-by-step we move forward. I still love being a mommy, but now I am a mommy to men-children who have lives of their own- it’s a new adventure. I'm ready and so are they.

Jeremy & Rachel's Engagement

The best piece of advice I can offer: Don't do anything you don't want your kids to do, because they will do what you do.

Parenting journey and patience: I had four children. They each had a mind of their own. You cannot parent each child alike because they are different. And because their daddy worked very long hours, I did a lot of the parenting on my own. Let's just say, this required patience but I didn't practice it so well. Thank God for grace.
Each of my children described in one word would be: Markie--Miraculous, Jeremy--gift, Greg--truth, Micah—peace.
The scheduled or unscheduled Mom: I so wanted to be the scheduled mom but failed miserably. Because we had special needs children in our home, it was best to be extremely flexible.
My Mommy pet peeve, there was too many. I had extremely unreasonable expectations for "family". I watched the Walton’s growing up and well, let's just say, we weren't the Walton’s.
I carry the most guilt for not enjoying my children more.

Embarrassing moment: The kids were older, young teens. I was getting ready for church. They asked what they could do to help (per dad's instructions- good Daddy). I asked one to make sure their brothers stayed dressed and no messes while I grabbed a quick shower, and the other I asked if they would set my "thongs" by the door so I could just throw them on and get everyone to church. Well, you can imagine…
If I could change something, I really did want to enjoy my family so much more. I had a lot of baggage when I got married and that spilled into my parenting skills. When I finally learned to laugh, it was so much fun.
My first thoughts after my children were born:
Markie-fear and I was very protective because the doctors told us he would die and not to get attached to him.

Jeremy-I had instant gratification because he was just perfect.

Greg- So happy he was healthy and perfect.

Micah-fear and sadness because he had problems the doctors could not diagnose in the beginning. I got to hold him 2 seconds after birth but he was blue.
What would I do differently? Hug more, kiss more, talk differently, and laugh a lot.
I said I would NEVER talk like my mom and point my finger with my hand on my hip. Ha-Ha!
Fear: I was not afraid when I first found I was pregnant. From the time I was a teen, all I ever wanted was to be married and raise a family.
There were things I was very aware of because of the way I was parented. I was raised under criticism, control, and manipulation. I didn't know how to laugh. God taught me how. I learned that the power of your words is extremely important when raising children. For example when Greg would lie to us, daddy and I would say, "Greg, your name means truth seeker. Therefore you are not allowed to lie." He did take that to heart and we heard him defending his name later in life.

My boys were so very sweet and sweet natured. I loved them as children and even now that they are adults. God and Dr. Dobson were my counselors and even then I didn't do everything right. But God . . . We must rely on Him so very much. I envied moms that looked like they had it all together only to find out, they had their own struggles. I'm just so grateful my children love me in spite of my parenting or non-parenting skills. Pray, pray, pray and be willing to change. I had to be willing to say I'm sorry to my kids when I was wrong. I had to humble myself much because growing up I didn't receive this type of parenting. It was a learning and growing process and just when I think I've got it down right, we enter another phase in life.

The Most Important Decisions You Will Ever Make

What come to mind when you think about the most important decisions you will ever make?
When talking to various people, and researching what others consider to be "Life's Most Important Decisions", majority gave several of the same answers:
- Whom you will marry.
- Religion.
- Your career.
- Where to further your education.
- How many children you will have.

- Where you will live.

I absolutely agree with this list. Of course, "religion" moves to number 1 with me- and it goes beyond just "religion"- but rather a choice to invite Jesus into your life to be your Lord and Savior. There is no question, that this is the most important decision one will ever make, it effects the quality of your life today, tomorrow, and in the "hereafter"- and every other decision you will ever make.
There is a decision that Lupe and I had to make recently that is not on this list. To be honest, I am not that surprised that it wasn't listed or said- but Lupe and I both agree (as I'm sure many others would) that it is an extremely important decision that should never be taken lightly.

The Church you choose to attend.

I honestly believe this is one of the most important decisions one will make. The Bible tells us many times how important it is to surround ourselves with other believers (Heb 10:25) and to use our gifts within the body of Christ to minister to others (1 Cor 12:7). 
The church you commit yourself and family to should provide a place of rest and refuge when you are facing pressures and temptations, a place of encouragement when you are down and out, a place of hope and help when you are in need, a place of learning and instruction to help you become the person God wants you to be, and a place to find lifelong relationships with people that can love and befriend you. Nothing is more precious and valuable and fulfilling than to worship the Lord with fellow Christians, to see your children brought up in learning about Jesus, to spend your time doing things that will count for eternity.

Lupe and I found a great "fit" at Community Christian Church when we first moved to South Florida. A few things we loved about this church is how approachable and caring the pastoral staff was- especially for such a large church. CCC has MANY opportunities to be involved, from Bible Studies, Women's Ministry, Children's Ministry, and the numerous outreaches to the community. They truly love people. I think that was Lupe, our children, and I needed most at that time, just to sit back and be loved on and accepted. We were not just a number, we had a name and the staff made it a point to know us and love on us.

Recently, Lupe and I both started feeling like it may be time for something new, something more. We were happy at CCC, but there was something pulling at us. One day at work, Lupe was connected to someone who gave him a card introducing him to Save The Nations Church. That card laid on our desk for a couple of weeks, finally one day I went to their website and was intrigued by what I saw- we decided to visit.
The service at STN was wonderful, we walked in feeling the tangible presence of God and left feeling challenged in our spiritual walk. I'll be honest- it would of been easier if we wouldn't of liked it. It would of been easier just to stay where we were- NOT to make a change. 

We new God was bringing a change- and as difficult as that can be- it comes with MANY benefits to be in His perfect will. A few weeks ago, we both felt God had released us from CCC after my commitments to the Women's Ministry were fulfilled.
PEACE! We are so at peace with our decision, and the Pastoral staff at CCC were so loving as we let them know we were making a move. We are excited- and a bit nervous- to begin at Save the Nations Church. I can't wait to see what God has for us next.

Timing and Trust

Been awhile! To be honest, as much as I've been itching to blog, I have also intentionally avoided it. I typically write pretty candidly on what's going on in my life and what I'm learning from the processes. Well, I am once again going through a challenging issue with my health and am extremely angry and frustrated by it. Although, I probably will write about it eventually- I am choosing to write about some other things that my family has faced and how God brought us through the other sidein His timing!

First, let me tell how Lupe and I received an envelope with $1000 cash inside!

 After getting settled in our new apartment at the beginning of February, we were very relieved and also a bit stressed. God had provided the money we needed to get us in our new place, but we were then faced with very limited funds throughout the month of February. We just began to pray and believe God to provide what we needed for every day. As I began to make preparations to celebrate Gia's Birthday on the first, I was feeling a bit guilty for spending the little money I did (I already had the decorations, but a present and cake..). On Gianna's Birthday, a very close friend of ours text Lupe to wish Gia a Happy Birthday, he also asked how we were doing. Lupe text that everything was well, just having some financial challenges. K.L. (I will just call him "K.L" to protect his privacy) joked that he needed to send Lupe an envelope of cash "..like Donny Brasco.." (Lupe and K.L. always joke around as if they are mobsters ). I laughed, didn't put any weight into the comment.
A few days later, I was on the phone with my friend Joanne. We began talking about some of the financial challenges we were having, as we spoke I began to cry. I guess I was beginning to feel a bit overwhelmed. Joanne quickly began to encourage me and remind me of God's faithfulness. When I hung up the phone, I felt better, but told God "Alright God, I trust you for what I need for today and will leave the tomorrows until tomorrow..".

The mailman knocked on the door as I was about to get in the shower. To be honest, the first thing that went through my mind was "GREAT! Now they're sending us certified letters to pay our bills!!", but as I shut the door I noticed the return address on the package was from K.L. Then I remembered he had mentioned that he was sending Gia a birthday gift. There was a card and some money for each of the girls and Lupe, as I opened the card for Lupe (yes, I opened my husbands mail) I see a $100 bill- as I picked it up it was more than one bill. My mouth hit the floor and I began to sob as I counted 10 $100 bills in that card. My heart began to flip flop all over the place!! I immediately called Lupe, and as my ever so calm unshakable husband always is, his response was "...well, he was pulling a Donny Brasco..." (as I'm sobbing on the other end). I then called Joanne back and told her what happened, her response was what I was expecting (unlike my smooth husband), a squeal and excitement.
WHY did God choose to do it the way He did? I don't know, but I know it was in His timing (which is perfect) and we never went without. I am thankful for faithful friends who stood and encouraged and were obedient.

Another challenge that we have been facing for a few years is our car!! About 2 1/2 years ago, we were driving a Toyota Camry which was just getting to cramped with our toddler and a baby and all their stuff. We needed/wanted a small SUV- and the one we (mainly I) wanted was a Saturn Outlook. Well, we found one and were given a pretty good deal on it- only problem was it was an extremely high interest rate. When Lupe inquired to a very close friend and mentor (who was very knowledgeable about buying vehicles) on what options he may have and how to negotiate- the friend offered to put up the collateral for the loan to keep our interest rate down. We accepted, which in retrospect was a mistake. We loved that Outlook, but we HAD to love it- we were way upside down and our payments were way to much!

After we moved to Florida from Texas, our friend who had put up the collateral, asked us to get new financing for the vehicle- considering we were upside down on it, we could not get new financing. Since we left Texas, the relationship with our friend has become a bit strained and uncomfortable, which makes the whole car situation just feel even worse. We began to have that feeling of a car owning us instead of us owning a car. Lupe never gave up on looking for another car or financing, he would try and get turned down and have an offer that just would not work.

Last week, Lupe had just walked away from another offer that just wouldn't work when he received a letter in the mail from another dealership in the area saying they thought they could help. Lupe called them and explained where we were at and what we needed. We wanted to go back to a car now that the girls were older and a smaller vehicle would work, not to mention the gas mileage on a car would be much better!

Long story short, Lupe spoke to the dealership on Thursday night, they called him to come over on Friday night saying they could make it work, and Friday night he drove home in our brand NEW Mitsubishi Gallant!! We now have a lower payment, lower interest, and are getting 40mi/gal instead of 18mi/gal (THAT'S a big deal!), and this will hopefully remove some of the strain with our friend and start a healing process of our relationship.
We are getting used to "riding on the ground" again and are loving the gas mileage! I will admit, I miss the roominess of our Outlook, the adjustable steering wheel and satellite radio, and with summer approaching we will definitely miss our automatic start button! But, it's so worth it  for all the reasons I mentioned above.
We have been dealing with this situation for about 1 1/2 years....why didn't God work it out in the beginning? I don't know, but I am thankful that he sustained us until now with that crazy high payment and has now provided us with exactly what we need. Yet again, we never did without.
I don't understand God's timing, but I don't guess I have to. I just have to trust that His timing IS perfect.
Please continue to pray with me regarding some of this health stuff, I am trying to have faith and trust- but I will admit it's a struggle.

The Necessary Baggage..

I haven't posted recently because..I couldn't think of what I wanted to write about. I never want to post just to say I did it, if it isn't on my heart, important, or poignant- why put it out there.

I was attempting to fix Gianna's Stringy Blanket last night (which was a joke, considering I do not sew much less crochet/knit! It is fixed though- not correctly- but it's fixed!), and I found myself pondering a message I heard 2 Sundays ago- which I've found myself doing quite a bit.
The Sunday after I was released from my wonderful (*sarcasm*) hospital stay, my face was still looking a bit rough so I decided to stay home from church. When I miss church, I typically watch my former Pastor(s), Bishop Tony Miller (who now pastors The Cathedral in Oklahoma City, OK) online. It so happened, that on this Sunday Bishop was away, so his wife Pastor Kathy was ministering.

Now, Pastor Kathy is a joy to listen to and be around- she is admired by so many as a pastor, mentor, friend, prayer warrior, counselor, worship leader, speaker. I remember way back in the day, when she used to say preaching/teaching was not her thing, the first time I heard her teach was at a women's event at our church. That was the first and last time I heard her teach, so I was pleasently surprised when I saw her take the platform at The Cathedral.

As PK began speaking The Word, it immediately starting taking root in my heart, and somewhat mirrored the "Me, Myself, and Lies" study I have been doing. She began talking about baggage. The baggage that we carry full of our past, our failures, strife, anger, emotions, insecurities, etc. Now, many of us have heard others speak, teach, preach on carrying around unnecessary baggage that we should let go of. We limit ourselves because we are allowing our baggage to dictate to us. Hearing this message reiterated what I already new, and was trying to embrace and activate in my life. But, then she made another point that was a big "Aha Moment" for me.

As she walked around the stage ministering, Pastor Kathy did so lugging suitcases and bags to give a visual of how exhausting it can be. Then she pulled out this other bag that represented dreams, visions, and desires- which is obviously necessary baggage. PK went on to explain, that if your arms are full and overwhelmed with baggage containing past regrets, mistakes, negativity, emotions, anger, and insecurities- you leave no room to carry your dreams, desires, and things you are passionate about.

Our minds are so consumed with junk- that we no longer have room to dream, pursue, and nurture the things God has given us to do. I began to think of things that are often crowded out of mind because I tend to think of all of my past failures and allow that to stop me from trying new things. Sometimes, people can't even see "me" because of all the baggage that stands in front of me- it limits me. Have you, or someone else, ever began to "unload" your baggage onto others because it was getting to heavy and overwhelming. God is the only one who is more than willing to not only take our baggage, but dispose of it.

I've been working on letting go of unnecessary baggage. I now realize, that part of letting go of all that "junk" is giving my dreams room to grow and take root. I am anticipating feeling completely free of excess baggage, as I carry along and chase the real "stuff" God has placed before me.
Thanks, PK!

We Closed One Door & Let God Open The Other

A few posts ago, I talked about my husband, Lupe's, decision to leave his current job. I had mixed feelings about it considering he did not even have a prospect of a new job in sight. But, hearing the defeated sound in his voice- I just couldn't ask him to stay. Lupe recently shared with me he regretted part of his decision. He said, he still would of called me and told me he couldn't do it anymore- but he would of waited to give his notice until he had something else- he reacted emotionally. Anyone who knows Lupe, knows he is NOT an emotional person at all- he is VERY stable- so this was a very unusual thing. Then he told me he asked God to forgive him and to help him learn from it, and then asked God to show his grace and provide a new job.

Since Lupe gave his notice- I believe it was in July- he has been fervently putting out applications at any and every opportunity. Honestly, not many responses considering how many apps he was putting out there. There were many times I had to just talk to myself, quote the Word of God to prevent myself of becoming easily overwhelmed (as I do to often).

About a month ago, Lupe received a phone call regarding an application he put in with Winn Dixie grocery store as a Culinary Director. It was an attractive position in many ways. One of the biggest perks is it is less than 10 minutes down the road vs. the 20 minute drive we now have. The position leaves room for creativity and advancement and bonuses.

After Lupe's 3rd interview, the HR director called and told him he was her pick for the job- but he had to go into another interview with some other directors and to really sell himself. She even took the time to prep him for the interview for a bit. Well, 3 interviews after that Lupe was officially offered the position and he took it. He did have to take a pay cut, but even with that- he is so excited about this job and we both have a total peace.

I told Lupe about a week ago about how much I have grown through this process. I don't wish this type of situation on anyone, but I can honestly say I am thankful for it. My faith and trust in God would not be where it is had it not been for this very difficult process! God has blessed and kept us beyond my expectations. There was even another company who was really wanting Lupe to work for them and were so disappointed when he had to inform them he had taken the other position- that was a nice little bonus!!

We've questioned our decisions at times, Lupe even wondered if he's made a mistake when he took the job that moved us down here. We don't know why the picture has played out the way it has. Maybe the experience at the other place helped in getting him in at Winn Dixie. Maybe God placed Lupe there to minister to some of the other staff or plant some seeds. Maybe God was using the whole situation to strengthen my faith. I don't know why, but I do know that as hard as it has been...I'm grateful for the process and for the opportunity to share how faithful my God is.

O, What A Feeling!

It's a "different" feeling, I wont lie.With so many questions, I guess I'm supposed to be freaking out- as I have done many times in the past. But, this is such a great feeling to be walking in such wonderful Peace! It really is.
What's different now, than in the past? Well, not that I haven't prayed about difficult situations in the past, but  I think I've done it out of duty. That's just what we're suppose to do as Christians- pray. It doesn't take a genius to figure the difference between "duty" and heart felt prayer coupled with a trusting and faith heart. I think that has made the biggest difference, but also surrounding myself with praise and worship as often as possible to set the atmosphere and attitude of my day and my heart. This feeling of Peace is a wonderful feeling!


My family and I attend Community Christian Church, and the past 2 weeks have left me encouraged and given me a "settling for nothing less" attitude. A couple weeks ago Pastor Scott was finishing up a series on "Life's To Short". On this particular Sunday he was encouraging us to Dive In, he stated this quote (can't remember who said it originally): "There are people who prefer to say 'yes' and those who say 'no'. Those who say 'yes' are rewarded by the adventures they have. Those who say 'no' are rewarded by the safety they attain." When Lupe and I heard him say that, we both looked at each other and nodded our heads. It took us back to leaving Texas, when so many thought we were crazy. We had so much safety there, and we knew leaving was going to be an adventure (Boy, were we RIGHT!)- but because we knew, that we knew, that we knew...we said 'yes'.

Team:No Limits from Expedition Impossible

This past week, Pastor Tim (our youth pastor) spoke on "Faith..No Matter What". You know how you sit in church thinking, "WOW, he is preaching directly to me!" To the point, you think someone has been giving him "inside information". Well, I guess God is the somebody giving out the info- and I am so thankful the pastors are listening! Pastor Tim made it is so simple and plain, which it actually it really is- not always easy- but simple and plain. He shared this clip from a TV reality show called Expedition Impossible, the premise of the show is to be the first team to make it to each destination so not to be eliminated and be the last team standing. One of the teams of 3, had a blind guy on it along with his long time best friend. The 2 of them had gone on many expeditions over the years which built a friendship of complete trust and trust. In this clip, Leap of Faith, the guys are about to jump off a clip. The link I posted here shows a small portion, but if you watch that whole part at this link: Expedition Impossible: Leap of Faith it's even more eye opening. This guy, Eric, trust and has total faith in his friend with no doubts, it's a pretty amazing thing to watch.

Anyway, I said a lot to say- That although Lupe's replacement was hired, last week, suddenly it was decided that it was not going to work out with that particular person. Which means, Lupe still has time to look while they continue to look. I know it's such a small thing, but WOW- God knows!
I am "Finding Myself" with a lot more faith and trust and it's make this journey so much easier. Thank you to all of our friends who are praying and sending us job tips and possibilities- you are making such a difference.

My Problem Is, I'm Trying SO Hard

"GOD, I am trying SOOO Hard!"- I can't even count how many times that has come out of my mouth over the past week.
The frustrating part of it is this: I've been here before, and I shouldn't be here again. I thank God He is patient and tolerent, or else He would of left a long time ago with this girl.
I vividly remember years ago when I was going through a challenging time and said those exact words to God. In that moment, I heard God's voice very clearly say, "..and thats your problem..". Of course I was like, WHAT? God, so patiently explained to me that so often, we create more problems and stress for ourselves because WE keep trying instead of letting go and letting God do it. Sounds so simple, and really it is- but can also be the hardest thing to do. Honestly, this situation is bigger than me- but we can only do our part and have to let God do His part.
So, I've been here before- and more than once- so WHY am I here again!?!? Maybe much of it is my control issues, no big secret that I have those!
With Lupe looking for a new job making what he is now is creating some stress and bringing up this challenging area for me to let go and trust God. It didn't help that yesterday when I took Tenly to the doctor, we discovered she is having a very difficult time seeing out of one of her eyes. To top it all off, there are several members of my family going through some very difficult things right now. My prayer life is definitely increasing, I find myself frequently saying, "Jesus" many times during the day when my mind starts going into overdrive and overwhelms me. Something about the Name of Jesus truly brings peace.

This morning though, I didn't do so well. When Lupe got out of bed at 6, it woke me up and I couldn't go back to sleep (and I desperately wanted to!). So, what happens in those moments? I started thinking, overanalyzing, calculating, imagination overload, etc..! Well, after a few minutes- I realized what I was allowing to happen and started to pray. About 10 minutes later, my imagination kicked into overdrive again, and I was crying- total anxiety attack.

I wont lie- it's a daily struggle between reality/the facts and faith/trust. But, I sit back and think- if I didn't have God, what would I have? What would I do? Who would I go to? I realized, that although I do struggle with turning it all over to God and totally trusting Him- I do trust Him and allow Him to hold my hand. I find myself saying so many times, "God, I need you to help me and guide me in and through this. I trust You to take care of it." If I had no relationship with God, I would have noone to even say that to. I've tried giving myself some slack, because I hear myself saying these things and talking to Him and realize I am trying- not always succeeding- but trying. It's hard to imagine us being in this situation without God, how do people do it without Him? I just can't imagine putting my trust, faith, and hope in anything but God.
Needless to say, I finally regained my composure this morning after my pitty party and panic attack. Realisticly, our situation does not good- but who wants to put all of their energy into that- I'd rather more successfully put into prayer and faith. My S.I.L., Debbie had this quote on Facebook this morning,
"Rejoice in our suffering, suffering produces perseverance, perseverance produces character, and character produces hope.".

I don't know if I can "rejoice" this (these) situations- but I can appreciate all the things I'm learning and what "the other side" will bring.

(I hope this post doesn't sound like a bunch of rambling- to be honest- this post was pretty much me talking to myself.)

Proverbs 3:5 says, 
“Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.”

Did I Just Say That?

Last night a funny thing happened. You know, one of those open mouth, insert foot moments. But, it's a bit comical (well, I think it was- we'll see how it comes across written) and was probably a very good "uh-oh".
I was feeling a bit strange last night. I was a bit tired, a little cranky- and was thinking my sugar levels were high (especially the way I ate throughout the day). I was needing to fold laundry, but decided to ignore it (I know- BIG shocker) and laid down. My back has been bothering me, so Lupe offered to go heat me up a hot pad to put on it. When he came back, he noticed I was acting a bit strangely, he quickly recognized the symptoms of a low blood sugar. As he reached to get my glucometer to my blood sugar, he asked if I was okay? All of a sudden I hear myself bust out in tears, and blurt out "I AM SO SCARED", as I continued to sob. I remember him saying, "..I know..", but that's all I remember of his reaction.

As my sugar levels started to go up, I started remembering, and then felt this blanket of guilt weigh on me. I kept trying to remember the look on Lupe's face- but can't, tried to remember how long I cried, and praying I didn't say anything else. Then I remembered him coming back to check my sugar to make sure it was up, he squeezed my arm, and said softly, "It's okay to be scared".

Let me back up and say that ever since Lupe gave his notice at work, I have been fluctuating between faith and fear. I would love to say that I have this iron back of steal that stands on Faith unwavering.....but I'm human and so far from perfect that I can't say that. When anxiety and fear do try to take over- I start talking to myself and declaring what God says and His promises to Lupe and I, Tenly, and Gianna.

Because I know Lupe is carrying much of what I am, and is also carrying the fact that he is the provider for our family- I have tried (unsuccessfully, I'm sure) to hide when I begin to be overwhelmed with reality. Knowing Lupe, I know he does the same for me. We all know, this is not a healthy thing to do- to suppress feelings- especially ones so overwhelming. I mean, our situation is not the best- the facts stacked against us in reality are not the best considering our finances. It's a lot for me to carry, and even more for Lupe to carry- BUT God.

So, my blood sugar dropping caused my "guard" to fall and my overwhelmed heart was exposed for a short period of time. As badly as I felt for allowing Lupe to see my fear, and give him one more thing to carry, it wasn't all bad. This is where I (we) are, and I am growing once again in my faith and prayer life. I am determined to let God carry this one- because I can't- it's to big and I am  not even close to able. I am so Thankful, He is!
(This is a nice story of a low blood sugar! I, and many others, have some hysterical stories of my "guard" falling. Those stories will wait for another time, another post....maybe!)