Poor Me....

Well, we had a very nice Christmas- I love being surrounded by my family. Almost the whole family was there except for my sister, Tara, and her family (Happy 20th Anniversary to them today). In the midst of taking down decorations, I have found myself fighting to give a smile or an optimistic outlook. It hasn't really set in that 2012 is right around the bend, because I'm so focused on dreading the next few weeks.

Every time Lupe and I have had any type of discussion regarding having to move, I can feel my mood change (I'm sure he feels it too). The other day, I tried to figure out exactly what it is, specifically, that has me so worked up about it. I think I was able to find a little clarity, there are a couple of reasons. The fact that I despise change is probably at the core of all of them. I, or we, did not want to move until it was buying a home. I do not want Tenly to have to change schools (we are going to see if she will be granted permission to attend outside of our zoning- PRAY). Both of those reasons I think come from how much I moved as a child and I do not want my girls to have that same experience. I'm sure that, like me, my parents did not want to or like it- but sometimes "life happens".

These reasons are valid, and also very selfish. While I am focused on not being where I want to be, how I want to be there, when I want to be there, why I am not there, who/what is standing in my way- I must realize that I do have a home, Lupe does have a job, my children are healthy, and I trust a God who has not and never will forsake me. Do a have right to have little "poor me pity party" for a moment? Sure, but my moment has long past and in the words of Dr. Phil "...how's that workin' for ya..?" At this point it aint workin' for anybody...especially me!

Although, I do realize all of these things, I still find myself unable to embrace the thought of moving out of here (even though we don't know where we are going yet) on January 28. Not one box has even been attempted to be packed- well, except for the Christmas decorations. I think, deep down, I keep expecting this miracle phone call- not that it is impossible, but at this point I think it's time to embrace the boxes and wherever our new home will be.
Even as I type this, telling myself all the reasons to snap out of it, suck it up, put my big girl panties on and move on- I just can't seem to do it.
Standing on Jeremiah 29:11 again, and praying. Also asking all of you to pray, not only for the perfect home at the perfect $$$, but for my attitude and that I will have a peace- not only for myself, but for my family.

Not An Easy Decision, But The Right Decision

There is one thing that every one should do in their lifetime- especially when you live in Florida.....Disney World! Somehow, my girls seem to know they are closer to the big attraction- they talk about it, ask when we're going, dream and talk about what they'll do when they get there, wonder what characters they'll see and which of them will be there.
I've been to Disney many times considering I was born and raised in Florida- I never realized how big of a deal it was then as I do now. I understand how big of a deal it was now because I understand the astronomical $$$COST$$$ involved- especially when you consider my parents had four kids!
There is a lot to consider when it comes to children and Disney World. I remember going to Disney and watching parents wrestle with overtired/overhot/cranky/having no fun children- and of course all of that meant the parents were having an even more miserable time. So, although I could not wait for the day I'd introduce my kids to Disney, Micky, and Cinderella's Castle- I determined that I would not do it until my kids could enjoy it. If I am going to pay a ridiculous amount of money on Disney World- both of my girls were going to REMEMBER and LOVE every sticking moment- and so was I!
WELL, Lupe and I were talking a few months ago and decided maybe before Tenly started Kindergarten in August we should take them. Tenly is more than old enough, but Gia is 3 1/2- a little younger than my original plan. But, we embarked on making some plans and seeing what our options were. We decided to go ahead and do it, although only for a day- we're only about 2 1/2 hours away. It is quite expensive to go to Disney nowadays- although worth the cost for the experience for our girls. No doubt, we were having to watch every penny and scrimp and save- I mean at this point, every penny still has a name- but we wanted to try.
It started to weigh on my mind a lot- wondering if Disney was a good financial decision at this point.?.? Was it a smart decision to put the little extra into Disney when we had other places we could put it that would start putting us ahead? I mean, the tickets alone were going to be around $275., then we had 1-2 nights at a hotel which is between $100-200, gas would be around $150., then their was food which I would guesstimate to be $150-200 (doing it cheap). So, it adds up- QUICKLY!
A little wrench was thrown in our plans when I realized that Tenly's "Meet The Teacher" day would be during our trip- and that's a big deal, big enough that Lupe and I would not miss it. As we began to try to figure out another day that would work, I began to think of another aspect of the decision "to go or not to go". What would we be teaching our girls (The Big Picture)? Would they actually ever know the details behind us trying to make this happen- no, probably not. But, what if they did- or what if one day they were in a situation over doing something fun or acting more responsibly- what would we tell them to do? I'm very sure that we would tell our them to take the responsible road and find a less expensive way to treat themselves to a day of fun.
So, we are not going to Disney in August- luckily we did not tell our girls we were even planning it- we are taking the- less exciting- but ultimately more rewarding road. We are going to continue to get ahead, pay off some more debt, and put ourselves in a better position to hopefully give the girls an early Christmas present in November. I'd be lying if I didn't say, it makes my heart a bit sad not to surprise them in a week or so yelling, "We're going to Disney World"- but it also makes me happy and gives me peace that we are being more responsible in planning for our family and our girls futures. Not the easiest decision we've had to make, but I'm convinced it was the right one.

Not The Release We Wanted, But Release We Got

We waited, and Waited, and WAITED! There were times I would tell Lupe, "We're not waiting on Them anymore! How long are we suppose to wait? YOU need to call a meeting- I've HAD it!". Luckily, my husband is more patient and less emotional than I- and would wait it out. Looking back I'm so glad he did- in the moment I wanted him to wreak havoc!
It was hard, we were in limbo. I didn't know if I needed to stop packing, or to pack fast, we didn't have a start date to put on applications- so we couldn't really send out more resumes. We couldn't look for homes because we didn't know where we were going to find employment. Were we leaving within weeks?months?before Christmas?after Christmas?the end of the school year? I was thinking about Tenly starting school the following school year and really wanted to be established in the area she would be attending school. It was difficult to even get a meeting to discuss these issues/concerns and didn't know if our issues/concerns would even be considered in out exit date.

There was a wonderful gentleman who was hired to take over Lupe's department and Lupe had been training him for a couple months already. We were just waiting- and not so patiently on my end. The unknown scares me (as I've mentioned many times)- and there was WAY to much unknown going on! I didn't want to be bitter, but it was getting more and more difficult every day. In retrospect, I look back and see that the timing was right- just how it was suppose to be- it was all in God's plan. What proved to be difficult was when and how and the circumstances with which we were given our exit date.

We gave our notice the 1st of September, and waited, prepared at any moment to receive our exit date. The end of September came- Lupe had a meeting (that I spoke of earlier) with some discussions- but no date. October came and went with no meetings and no date. By the time November rolled around I was getting very anxious- Christmas was around the corner and I needed a PLAN!

A few days before Thanksgiving, a few little "situations" came up that were not so pretty- and in all honesty are a little comical. I don't want to drudge up old junk that I've really tried to let go- so I'm not going into any specifics. There was some miscommunication and confusion, that resulted in several meetings with my Husband. Through that whole situation, I don't know if I've ever been prouder of my husband. Lupe maintained his dignity, walked in integrity, took full responsibility where he did and where he did not need to. He was respectful, honest, and forthright- in other words he held himself true to being a very Godly and honorable man. Lupe called one morning and said he had been called into a meeting later that morning and he would call as soon as it was over. A little while later the phone rang, and I found myself totally not prepared...
"..2 weeks..", Lupe said. I laughed, I just knew he was joking (as prepared I thought I was). We had just been given our 2 weeks notice to move out of our house in Texas, move to Florida, find a job, find a home, and begin our new season. Not just Lupe and I, but our 2 little girls.

The girls helping us pack!

I wont lie- I was struck with fear- not just fear, I was terrified. What had we done? We had to little girls to think about. What were we thinking? I think I cried for hours. I was thrilled to have a date, but could not understand the logic and justification of giving us 2 weeks when they had known for 3 months- after Lupe serving for 15 years- he was given 2 weeks. I'm sure you can "hear" in my writing how angry I was.
I've gotten past it for the most part, in order to forgive I began to pray- I had to pray for them so I could love them again. I didn't want to love them because God said I "had" to- I wanted to love them out of the genuineness in my heart. I had my moment(s), that was a hard day, I was angry- and let myself be angry, I was hurt- and let myself hurt, I was sad- and let myself be sad. By the next day, I was relieved and ready- I was still feeling some of those other things, but let the anticipation of our bright future carry me past it.
I found and am finding a resilience in me....and I like it.........