Confessions of a Lazy Parent...

Regardless of my body's protest, I woke up early this morning to face the decision I adamantly made last night. I have been making comments for about a week that it needed to happen, my family all heard my series of rants loud and clear...although they didn't really acknowledge them or agreed with them.

My family, including myself, is in a very unhealthy relationship.... with the television. I feel like I (more than Lupe, because I am home with the girls the most) have nurtured and allowed  this relationship that I have always said would NEVER happen in my home.

I am not sure why Tenly's lazy refusal to read last night is what finally broke me, but it did.

Tenly did not even know that children's shows really even existed much until she was about 2 years old. I welcomed the "help" of the black box after Gianna was born, there were moments that I embraced the convenient baby sitter as if my long lost friend. Therefore, Gianna has almost always been aware of the TV.

I was still cautious about how much they were around and exposed to it. Also, closely monitoring what they watched (FYI: Just because it is a cartoon does not make it appropriate for a child.). Regardless of my intentions, over the years I find that "distraction" in our home WAY to much!

How I, we, ended up here I am not quite sure. It would be convenient to blame it on my children or my husband. But, since my kids only do what I allow, and I am home with the kids way more than my husband- I have to take full responsibility.

The reality is, I have become a Lazy Parent and conveniently hired Nick JR, Disney JR, and Sprout to babysit way to often. There is no getting around the convenience and ease of having these "babysitters" at our remote fingertips- but we parents also know that it doesn't make it right.

I am embarrassed that I have dreadfully become "....one of those...", the thing I always said would NEVER happen. I declared, proudly, that my kids would always be surrounded by books, puzzles, crafts, games and a parent sitting by doting on their every word and action.

To clarify, Tenly and Gianna are not glued to the TV- their imaginations are to big and energy to robust for that. But, they are in front of it way to much. They both LOVE reading books and doing puzzles and crafts and cooking- why aren't I capitalizing on that? Because somewhere along the line, it's become to much work- that is shameful.

Several months ago, Lupe and I found much of our time together was spent catching up on DVR. To help, we removed the TV from our bedroom (some are shocked we had one in there, and some are shocked that someone can live without a TV in the bedroom) and are so glad we did. We do not allow a TV in the girls room- and never will-so, in a way it was a double standard. But, although that helped, I (Lupe may disagree, lol) still feel like we should be able to function without the invasive 3rd party. My friends, Annette and Bobby, in Texas made a change not to long ago to benefit their family (they have 3 beautiful children). They "cut the cable" and eliminated TV from their home, and the results are more reading and family time- not such a bad thing! I have some friends in this area who only allow an occasional movie or DVD, and they and their children have lived to tell the tale, lol!

Today, when Tenly arrives home from school, I am going to apologize to both of my girls for being a lazy mom and allowing the television to steal our moments from us. The excitement of the many things we can do that are so much better to fill the void is hopefully going to spark them. I am a much better parent than this and am fully capable of caring for my children without allowing "that thing" to be constantly interfering.

We are not cutting the cable or getting rid of the TV, but it will have specific times of when it will and will not be watched. Our family time will be filled with fun and entertaining each other instead of depending on the black box to fulfill our every need. I am going to press for "No TV Monday's", on this day the TV will not go on at all.

Funny enough, today (and all week) it is suppose to be raining ALL DAY! Talk about getting creative! We've made it through with making collages, doing puzzles, dancing, reading many books, and a little cooking. Although, Gianna is losing patience with me typing at this computer, so it's time to wrap it up.

LAZY- I despite that word and hate it associated with me. So, the change begins- it is going to take work and probably hearing some whining  along the path- but it will be worth it. Taking responsibility and making a change, I believe it is one my girls will thank me for one day......well, it better be!

Peeling Back The Layers Is Straight Up Ugly!

First, I will give a little up date on our situation. We are narrowing down our options on moving. We've pretty much decided we are going to move into another apartment for now, one that fits better with our finances. We have a couple we are choosing between. Continue to pray with us about the school zoning, we are believing that Tenly will be granted permission to stay at her current school even if it's outside our zoning. No, I have not started packing yet- waiting until we sign on the dotted line and it's official. Anyway....

The last couple days, I have not been the best person to be around. When I am "challenged"- by circumstances, my children, my husband- I just seem to break. It has not made me the easiest person to be around, to be honest. My frustrations are valid, by why do they seem to just knock me over?

One reason, I think, is because of some things I've uncovered...and I don't like it! I have begun reading through the book, "Me, Myself, & Lies", and it forces you to take a hard look at yourself.

There are many questions, in this study, about what I think of myself and how I view myself. After over analyzing the questions (as I do so well) and thinking way to long about my answers- I was a little shocked by what I saw as I pulled back some layers.

Words, such as: useless, needless, unimportant, untalented, failure, unsuccessful. Now, I am not saying all of this for attention and reassurance. Many people throughout my life have reassured me of everything opposite of those words- but for some reason I don't see what they see. I am at a place of having to reshape my mind to see and think what God sees.

I am a good mom and a good wife, but when my impatience and frustrations overwhelm me (as of lately), I no longer see a good mom/wife- I see an impatient emotional woman that no one wants to be around, including me. In those moments, it's easiest to just shut down and sleep or clean so I don't have to face "me".

I really want to discover what I am good at, what am I here for? I know I'm here to be Lupe's wife, and a mother to Tenly and Gianna. But, do I have any purpose outside of that?

I was asked a couple of weeks ago if I wanted to finish my teaching degree, my answer was, no. I do want to go back to school and have my degree in ...something. I have no idea what! Really, I do not know. That is so frustrating to me, to have no idea what I want to do. Is my purpose to throw myself into being a great Godly wife and mother?

I see different people and think to myself, WOW- they are so talented, what a great speaker, what an incredible athlete/singer/writer/dancer. I cannot fill in that blank for myself. What am I passionate about?- I'm not really sure.

Don't get me wrong- I know I am crafty, organized, and I do love being a wife/mother.

But, it was almost painful when I realized that what I tell myself probably more than anything is that I am not needed or necessary outside of wife and mother. I know deep down that that just cannot be true that I have no purpose outside of the obvious. So, I tried to try and think of where am I needed, where are my talents necessary, what am I so passionate about that it just oozes out of me, what desires drive me???? I could not come up with any answer to those questions.

Well, I am determined to grow beyond "this". I do know that God's Word and God's Plan for me does not include all of those words I listed above. As I made these disturbing realizations about myself, my first instinct was to close the book(s), shut off my thinking, and run. I was like, no wonder I am not successful- look at me- my thinking is so negative! It was just depressing realizing my thought process.

This is where I am beginning- but this is not the end. I am writing all of this to document this process, for myself- if it helps someone else, even better. To be honest, this was a very hard post for me- I am seconds from pressing delete- this is making me look just to transparent. Many of you may read this and be shocked by what I wrote- and that's fine- no need to write to tell me how backwards my thinking is (believe me, I know). Just pray for me and love me through this process- and you may need to be a little patient with me also, lol. Still standing on Jer. 29:11.

I Never Imagined

FINALLY!
I've been wanting to get on here all week to Blog.................................
Last Saturday was the Women's Event at my church that I had the opportunity to speak at- I was excited nervous and expectant when I went to bed on Friday. When I awoke Saturday, I was still excited, nervous, and expectant- and a little chaotic!Let me back up for a minute. My incredible husband, Lupe, volunteered (after I gently suggested how talented he was to the team) to help with the food. He was making a quiche/egg casserole- we were serving a brunch. On Friday afternoon, we attacked Sam's Club and bought all the ingredients- and Lupe did a trial run to make sure he knew the exact time it was going to take for them to cook. Well, as prepared as my husband was- prepped ingredients night before and all- sometimes things still throw a curve ball. He had 12 large Casseroles to make, and we had allowed for 45 minutes for them to cook. Well, that didn't happen- the pans were to large so we couldn't put as many in the oven as we originally thought- and they were taking over an hour to cook, actually close to an hour and a half. Therefore, I was running a tad late and Lupe ended up getting there over an hour later than he hoped to help prep for serving the ladies. But, the chaos passed.....
I arrived to find Joanne (she was also sharing that day and is teaching the Bible Study also) having a similar type of morning. She and I had been working together to get all the decorations and centerpieces done for a couple of weeks and had been there a couple of days earlier putting the stage and "dining hall" together with several other volunteers- so we were really anticipating this to be a great day. After praying and reminding ourselves of why we were there- we were ready to be used to minister to these ladies- nerves and all.
As Stephanie Bringas (CCC's Conections Director) kicked off the event and then invited the worship team up, I was so relieved to enter into worship- it helped to calm me and completely put me at peace- I almost didn't even feel nervous. Joanne was the first to begin- as the ladies immediately responded with laughter to her opening monologue, it was so wonderful to see her shoulders just relax and see God just take control and use her!

Then I see my name and "my verse", Jeremiah 29:11, on the screen- I whispered, "..okay, God- me and You- here goes something.." as I walked to the center of the stage. I spit out the first line of my monologue- and kept going with absolute peace, "Okay, I might as well put it out there...I am one of The Good Moms..". The ladies were so receptive- and I do think God used me. My prayer had been, "God, I want each of these women to be met at their point of need..", I believe they were. New friends were made, decisions were made, choices were made, changes were made. Most of all, God used me. When I left Texas, I never imagined that I would be used in this way at all- especially this soon. I am leading a Bible Study and was given the opportunity to speak for a moment at a women's event. I have found myself wondering why me instead of someone else- and honestly, I don't know. But, I guess that's truly not important- it's hard to explain but- as I spoke to all those women what God had placed on my heart, I was ministered to in a major way that I cannot describe. A healing took place on that stage in front of all of those women, and I will be forever grateful. That was a day full of rediscovery....................................

Joanne and I

(Later this week, I will post the monologue that I did considering we did not get to video it)

Green Light Means GO!

April of 2010. Lupe and I were in our bedroom. He was laying on the bed watching some TV while I was folding and putting away laundry.We were making some small talk here and there (during commercials, because everyone knows a man can't multitask with a TV on), just a relaxing night after the girls were in bed. Suddenly, Lupe says to me out of nowhere, "I think it's time"- I had no idea what he was talking about, I asked for more information. Lupe began to explain that he was feeling the release from The Ministry. Of course, I had been feeling the same thing (because that's the way God works). I love how we both had been feeling for a release for a few weeks but neither of us had said anything- we both wanted to be sure. What was so wonderful, is that everything was fine- no drama or 'situations' going on, we weren't angry or bitter with anything/anyone- we just felt that release because it was simply the time. I began telling Lupe how God had been whispering the same to me- I felt such a peace and freedom and joy as we began talking and discussing our future.

We had no details/plans/jobs- nothing- but we did have a "Green Light" from God to start our new season, or our New Life, and that in itself brought an incredible peace. My friend, Carrie, recently described the jump into the unknown with NO plan in sight as "...Faith or stupidity.." (Carrie and her family can speak candidly considering they took the same 'leap' we did at the same time from the same place). It took a few weeks for us to process, are we really doing this!?!?! After much discussion, we felt we were suppose to move to Florida- Lupe had some family in Texas- but we both felt we needed to be near family that were able to be ever present for us and our girls. Lupe loves my family as if he were there own- and they love him the same (I sometimes think they'd keep him over me). That was one BIG decision down, now we had to think of which city, jobs, homes, schools, moving money, the process, and WHEN!

You would think the "when" would be a matter of looking at a calender and coordinating with a schedule of needs and necessities and timing. Well, typically that would be true. But, according to the ministry guidelines that we agreed to (and were determined to honor)- we needed to wait to give our "notice" until the 1st of September, after that we and the leadership would decide on a mutually agreed upon "exit date" (last day). So, yes- they determined our last day- not us. We knew this going in, and began to plan the best way we could without knowing. We weren't allowed to tell anyone of our plans- everything was secretive. Although, in full disclosure, I did tell a handful of people that I was close to and Lupe mentioned it to about 2 people he was close to.
It was scary, we knew of people and couples who had resigned before and were given a couple weeks (or days) to pack up and leave. That scared the heck out of me that potentially we could be give the same terms. We were trying to save money, to prepare and be ready for almost anything at any time. I began packing boxes a bit at a time, moved all the furniture out of the dining room and began replacing it all with boxes. Things continued going smoothly, not much was said for awhile after we gave our notice- not that we wanted a lot said, but sometimes silence is scarier than a screaming match.

Finally, Lupe had a "meeting"- in that meeting they released us from all church services and gave Lupe the weekends off- except when there was a retreat- but we still had no "exit date". We continued to go to church although we had been "released" (I mean, come on, where else would we be). Rumors starting flying of course and it started to "leak out" among the staff that we were resigning. It was weird, I would walk away from a conversation and just know that the person I was speaking to knew- although they didn't say a word about it. There was a strange undercurrent we felt- it may of been valid or it may have been our imagination and paranoia.
During all of this, I questioned my ability to hear God's voice. Why did I question it? I questioned it because the leadership, that taught me how to listen and hear God's voice, questioned our ability to hear it. But, Lupe and I grew closer together, and our prayer life grew- and in that we knew that God had given us direction. Since arriving in Florida, I have questioned it again- but each time I am reassured when God proves Himself and shows Himself time and time again.

I Can't Change Anyone But Me...

My Venting Session

 God knocked me down to size a few years ago while enduring a very rough week. Lupe and I were having a conversation one morning, well it was actually a one sided "venting session" where Lupe did a lot of listening and I did a lot of "venting". Anyone who knows my husband, knows he very rarely loses his temper or gets dis-shoveled. Lupe is so consistently stable and calm that it's straight up annoying sometimes, but it's also one of things I admire most about him-  probably another reason God chose him for me.
The venting session seemed to be a lot of  "...THEY need to....THEY should....don't THEY understand...how could THEY do....how could THEY..." etc...etc...! Many of my points, opinions, and frustrations were very valid and even right- and of course some were unreasonable and me being angry.

Since I didn't get the response I wanted from Lupe, I decided I would 'vent' to God this time (again, a one sided conversation). Every time I paused to take a breath I would hearing, "You can't.." over and over. Finally, I shut my mouth long enough to wonder what "You can't...You can't...You can't..." meant. I didn't stay quiet very long (is it even possible for me to be quiet a long period of time?), but became frustrated and busied myself with my cleaning list (when I get angry/frustrated my house gets very clean). Later on, I sat down to rest (which required me to be quiet)and heard, "You can't change 'them', but you can change you".
Okay, that was NOT the answer I expected or was looking for.Wasn't God suppose to vindicate, validate me and tell me I was RIGHT! I began to attempt to tell God all the reasons that His answer was wrong- and He, unlike me, remained quiet until I was done. After I finally shut my mouth, He said it again "You can't change 'them', you can only change you".

After realizing God was correcting me (shocking, right?), I figured it was time to evaluate my heart. My conclusion was this, no matter how right or wrong I or 'they' were- I was allowing it to eat away at me and my happiness- it was beginning to have an effect on every part of me. As much as I would of loved to blame 'them' for all of that, I  was allowing that to happen.
I made a decision to change. First, everything is 2 sided, and in every situation I have to choose how I am going to react and evaluate what contribution I have made to the situation. Second, ownership- I have to take ownership of my contribution- and sometimes that means even asking forgiveness. Even if it is just a minuscule part- if it contributed to a situation/conflict- you have to own it and act appropriately. Third, prayer. I can't change them, but my prayers- well, my sincere prayers can soften their heart- it will also soften my mine- and allow GOD to make the changes. I can't change people, but prayers- sincere prayers can. Through my prayers for others, I have actually figured out what I needed, it didn't really have anything to do with the other person(s)- but with me. It was not what they needed to change, but what I needed to change.

Like it or not, I had to realize that I needed to make some changes. Like it or not, I had to realize that I was wrong (sometimes, lol). Like it or not, I had to realize that I was contributing to these situations. But, even if I was completely right (and I was not)- I still could not change them. I could only change me, pray, and trust God to take control.
I still have to walk this road of not trying to change others (continue to pray for Lupe, lol), which is difficult for a control freak, but evaluating and changing myself. A few months ago, I found myself getting very bitter and angry- and it was over stuff that was absolutely irrelevant to me. One situation triggered I faced hurt me and set me on edge- I found myself consumed with bitterness towards this person and situation. I realized, I was still holding on to 'stuff' and it was eating me up AGAIN.

I needed to make a change, I began to filter what I was allowing myself to be exposed to, many people I had to distance myself from had not done anything directly to me or against me. But, I needed distance from the past they represented, I didn't need to know what was going on or how things were going. I had to leave it behind me and concentrate on the here and now. My intent was never to cause hurt, it had nothing to do with anyone but ME- although temporary- it's something I needed to do in that moment.

That decision is helped me to move on. I'm not consumed with others and the past- but I am praying for them with sincerity. My heart has softened, and I've been able to forgive and let go- it's wonderful to let God have control instead of others (who don't even know they're controlling me).
Today, I find myself excited to hear of and about those people and situations- when before I would of rolled my eyes and responded negatively. I have not arrived and have to continue to check my heart and apply change when necessary- and I'm all the better for it. It's about allowing Jesus to be Lord over every part of my Life!

MommyHood, My Dream

Newlyweds

"What do you think of starting to try to get pregnant?"
I definitely took Lupe surprised when I asked him this one very randomly! We had only been married about 3 months, and during our premarital counseling we both agreed to wait a year before starting our family. But, one afternoon while Lupe was at work- I started thinking and 'planning' in my head (we all know how dangerous this can be). According to my 'calculations' on paper, the clock was ticking- not that Lupe and I were OLD, but we weren't young either. Lupe is 9 years older than me, and if we waited a year- assuming it probably wouldn't happen immediately- I would be 33, and Lupe 42 when we had our first- putting 3 years between the 3 children we had initially planned to have- meant I would be around 40 and Lupe 50 when we had our last (did I mention I was a planner)and I wasn't loving the thoughts of that.

3 Months

Okay, in FULL disclosure, I guess I should confess that there are some underlying reasons for my sudden change of heart.
I mentioned earlier, that my team of doctors- years previous- were doubting I would ever be able to have children. They wanted to do tests to make determinations of all the damage my body had endured, but I chose not to look into my fertility possibilities, and would cross that road when/if necessary. So, 3 months into our marriage I was ready and wanted- no, needed- to know. Well, I thought we better take my uterus out for a test drive. Also, I was very lonely, lost, and a bit depressed- I've never thought it fair to give a child a job upon conception- but I guess I kind of did that, the job was to fill my void and bring another element of happiness. Of course, these are things that children naturally bring.

6 Months

Lupe said YES- he had no argument to begin trying to have a baby RIGHT then and there!! We decided to keep it quiet and didn't say much to anyone about our decision. We had tried a few months and I still wasn't pregnant- after reading that as a Diabetic I should ideally see my doctor before hand- I made an appointment. Lupe and I went in and met Dr. Edwards, he told me some things I needed to do to prepare my body and also told us to STOP trying until my body was ready. UGH! NOT what I wanted to hear- but I did comply, well sort of.
There was that ONE time! Wouldn't you know that it's when you stop trying that you actually get pregnant! That's what happened!

8 Months

I remember taking the test- POSITIVE, then Lupe said to go get another to make sure. I called my mom on the way to the store- so excited. The doctors were WRONG! At the same time, I was a bit nervous- I hadn't taken all the med's the doctor wanted me to have in my system.

3 wks to go, and swollen!

I went a couple weeks later to do the confirmation with the doctor. I'd been feeling pretty good up and to that point. We went in and Dr. Edwards was pleased that at least I'd been on the med's over 30 days and had all the other stuff done. After our appointment we decided to celebrate with my favorite- chicken wings and a salad- not a smart choice! We lived 45 minutes from Houston, where my doctors were, the whole drive home I was beyond sick! We finally had to pull over so I could run into the bathroom and get sick, and sick, and sick- to the point of almost passing out- unfortunately this would be my fate for the next 9 months.

Tenly's here- Perfect!

But, the best part of the beginning  of this story is- the Doctor's were so wrong- and my God showed Himself so faithful.......................and although I was having a difficult and lonely time- I was gaining a whole new part that I'd dreamed of my whole life.

TEXAS Bound- Let The Shaking Begin.....

This post is my perception, how I felt, what I learned- this is written at a very 'raw' time for me and exposing my heart and experiences to help me grow beyond it.

After our wonderful Honeymoon in Cancun, Lupe and I flew into Houston and headed to our home. Lupe had been on staff for 11 years at the Ministry- so...I was headed off to do the one thing I had said I'd NEVER do when I was younger- going into Full Time Ministry. It was a very large active ministry in Texas: a Bible School during the school year that had retreats for woman/men/youth/kids on the weekends, a youth/kids camp during the summer, and then also had a church. The staff lived on the ministry grounds- which has positive and negative points- just like everything does, I guess.
There is a little more to this that goes back to when Lupe and I first met 11 years before. See, this is the same ministry I went to Bible School with. While at Bible School, I was hired to stay on as Summer Staff for the Camps and honestly hoped to stay on as full time staff after that. A month after I was hired, I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. Considering the VERY intense schedule that summer camp requires (pretty much no days off for 9 weeks and very long days), and all the changes and unknowns (that still scared the crap out of me) diabetes required me to implement and learn- I just felt like it wouldn't be a good decision for me work the summer. I was angry, not because of not being able to stay, as much as I felt that this stupid disease  had stolen something from me. So, when I moved out to the camp- it kind of felt a little 'full circle' for me.
SO, when asked "what area of the ministry do you want to work in?" after Lupe and I were married- I told them I didn't think it would be possible for me to do so. The main reason, was that I needed insurance- my medical expenses: doctors, meds, insulin pump supplies,etc.- was to expensive to handle without insurance. Lupe had private insurance, I abruptly found that private insurance wouldn't even consider me to insure! So, I went to look for a job where I could have corporate insurance that MUST carry me- considering my circumstances- this was the wisest thing to do. You also must understand, I am a very opinionated person. I do not expect everyone to agree with my opinions/views, but I DO expect to have the right to express them (respectably, of course). I am also a very organized/methodical person who believes in systems and planning and prefer predictability 9/10 times. For all of those reasons, my wonderful, wise husband thought it would be a good idea for me NOT to work at the ministry. At first, I was a bit frustrated by this- but QUICKLY realized that he was absolutely right!
Although, I did not 'work' at the ministry- I was still expected (required, lol) to be at majority of all functions/meetings or whatever they deemed necessary at the last minute. Depending on the moment/mood/demand- I was okay or not okay with these little/big requirements. I had to stop many times and evaluate my heart/attitude/motives for my reactions or lack of. At times, they were valid and at times they were no doubt straight up rebellious!
I often felt there was no purpose for me being there beyond my title and being another number or body to fill a seat- that's hard when you feel, or rather when you KNOW, you have more to offer. At first, I would buck the system- not in defiance- but out of fighting for my giftings/skills/talents and ME! I no longer had a name, I was introduced as Pastor Lupe's, our Dining Service Directors, Wife- many times my name wasn't even said.
Eventually, I stopped fighting or bucking the system- I just accepted it. I can look back now and see how dangerous that is, when you stop fighting for what you believe in.
But, as for me and my abilities, I was just tired- so I stopped- and a big part of me died when I did. Lupe's job seemed easier- he wasn't having to go into meetings defending me or worrying what truth/opinion/view I was going to express. So, it just seemed the right thing to do- and I sometimes wonder if it was/was not- or if I just failed to find the balance of how to do it. It was 'frowned upon' to express anything except your gratitude and agreement in all situations. If someone asked me about a circumstance, I HAD to defend it- whether I agreed or not. Is that okay? If you defend something that goes against your core values/convictions, is that a lie?
I believe that these circumstances, have a lot to do with where I am today. Is it 'all their fault'? NO! I have to take responsibility. There's 2 sides to every story, and I know there are MANY things I coulda/shoulda/woulda done differently. I can't change/control anyone or anything- I can only change and control me!