Time For A Facelift..

.. or, I guess it should say a "Bloglift". That's right, this Blog (and Mom) have evolved and that means I am making some changes. Let me explain a little.. I have "found myself" (not totally, but a good percentage)...

When I began this Blog (you can go back to the beginning)- I was selfishly doing it for me and this was one time I was okay with being selfish. I was about to take myself through a painful, but necessary, process of prying through the good, bad, and ugly of Jenn Garcia. I was proud of myself for finally being brave enough to face the true "Me" and deal with the many things I had been avoiding. 

The Blog was titled, "Jenn, Finding Myself Again.." and it has been documenting my process of trying to rediscover me, my talents, who I am at my core and what God has called me to. I felt my identity had been lost in "just" being a Wife and Mother. My first post was titled Jeremiah 29:11, at that time that verse was my lifeline.

I believe one of my first break throughs was when I made the Blog public. My survival for a very long time was based on how people perceived me- that's what had me on this impossible uphill battle to perfectionism, which I will never obtain. This process has taught me to give myself permission to "let go".

So, my discovery? My family is what God has called me to right now. I know this seems so "simple" and why has it taken me a year to come to the conclusion that being a Wife and Mom is sufficient? Maybe because it wasn't really as much of me losing my gifts, talents and abilities; but it was more about me not being able to locate them anymore underneath all of the anger, bitterness and junk I had allowed to corrupt my heart and mind.

My gifts and talents have never gone anywhere, and now I realize that I have my family to pour them into. At times, I have been given other opportunities to use them in other areas- but not at the expense of my family. 
Writing this Blog has given me the opportunity to connect with many other Moms’ and Women- that has been very refreshing! That takes me to my new objective for this Blog. It will be geared more towards Mom's- but Women also. Recently, I have been grabbing insight from so many other Mom's- because I felt it important that we learn and support each other instead of the need to "one up" or compete. I will be honest, some of the answers to questions I have asked have challenged me to reevaluate my ways, some have helped me embrace/understand differences and some have reinforced why I do things the way I do. I realized through the answers just how judgmental I have been towards Mom's who do things differently from me- I have a new appreciation for other methods and realize I can't judge because I don't know. The biggest shocker, I have made some changes in how I do some things after hearing how/what/when/why Mom's do things the way they do.

I will be continuing to spotlight other Mom's- I LOVE reading what they have to say! I will also be continuing to hit on a variety of other things as they come to mind or heart.

Thanks for sticking with me, following, and reading. The support has helped me in this process. If you have not joined this group, I ask you to do so and pass it along. The site will have a new title and maybe a new look; so don't be caught off guard next time you check in! Thanks for going on this journey with me....

Questioning Myself, AGAIN!

What was I thinking....? I can't even begin to tell how many times I said that to myself (and out loud) since yesterday! I posted this blog publicly- have I lost my mind!!!!????
I started this thing as an outlet for me to sort out all of my "junk"- it was totally for me. I allowed a few people to look, I figured if it helped (or entertained) someone as I sorted through it all- that was okay by me. I don't know when or how I decided to post it and let everyone look at it- I just hit the button.
At first, I felt such relief in doing it- it felt good not to let it matter how people did/did not judge me, what they did/did not think. It didn't matter if they rolled their eyes or laughed at me- the confidence I felt in 'not caring' felt so empowering....for about 5 minutes! Then I started to play out a million scenarios in my head (everything from people laughing at my writing skills- or lack thereof- or at me in general), and began to feel completely overwhelmed- What Was I THINKING!
THEN, I had to 'speak' to myself, and reevaluate me, my motives, my intentions, and my objectives.
- I had to remind myself- that people have a life and are not sitting around consumed by me and my blog- (what a revelation!). As much as many of us would like to sit back and think it's all about us at times- it's not.

- I also feel the need to state, that this is my perception of situations and circumstances that have brought me to where I am. There is definitely 2 sides to every situation and circumstance- and this is only mine.
- I also feel this is a God thing. As I've been writing, I feel myself gaining perspective, praying and embracing those who have hurt me, and I'm discovering the responsibility I've held at different times. God is written all over all of that.
- Through this process of blogging, I am learning and discovering things about myself which will bring about necessary changes that will better me. THAT is one of my main objectives- to learn and grow in a way that will help me deal with myself and make necessary changes so that I can be a more effective self, wife, mother, friend, and Child of God. You know how when you talk to a friend (that's a great listener), and all the questions you have you end up answering yourself as you talk? That's kind of what I'm doing here- or trying at least.
If someone can relate, or embrace me in the process- what an accomplishment. I do not intend on hurting, exposing, embarrassing anyone- I'm just trying to sort through all my junk- junk that I failed to deal with in the past- and find me again. So, it doesn't matter- it's not about anyone else- it's about me (in a good way this time). Although, I still have a bit of anxiety about it- I'm okay with 'selfishly' focusing on me and enjoying the process of becoming a better me.
This morning I have found myself focusing on Jeremiah 29:11 again- such hope!
There's a song, "I Was Made For This", it's a song/dance that was performed at my former Pastors church, The Cathedral, in Oklahoma. I feel like this song speaks of what I am trying to embrace. Knowing that God has a plan and I have a purpose, I know I was created for something bigger than myself. I can be consumed with what others think or say- I have to walk in the confidence that I was created for His Purpose and am worthy of His love.    

I KNOW I Have a Purpose...I Think!?!?

I'm sure we've all questioned our purpose/job/what we were created for at one time or another. I know I have many times.....I question/wonder about it to much. But those questions remind me of circumstances in my life that prove I do have some purpose. For expample:
When I was a baby, I developed Spinal Meningitis- I had it for over a week with a dangerously high fever before it was properly diagnosed. I slipped into coma for a few days, that is until our Pastor came in and prayed for me- my extremely high fever broke as I sat up in bed and asked for my Daddy. I have no damage from the high fever or anything else.
When I was 15, a van slammed into me, throwing me through the air, while I was crossing a major highway in Clearwater. Not only did I survive it, but had no injury outside of major bruising/scrapes/soreness (the van, on the other hand, had a ton of damage). I pretty much walked away from that one- the doctors couldn't even believe it.
There is the allergic reaction I had to Demerol at 16. When I was finally able to wake up- I went into seizures.
The difficult fight with anorexia/bulimia from the age of 17-22. I successfully overcame it only to see it show it's ugly head again when I was 23(in a different form) and almost killed me- more about that later.
Of course, there's the one that I still deal with every day- it was discovered at the age of 21. I was suddenly, out of nowhere, diagnosed with Type 1 Juvenile Diabetes. I know what your thinking- I was probably unhealthy, overweight, etc. BUT, I was everything but that! As I was trying to defeat the eating disorder- I became a bit of an exercise nut- and was eating more normally, although extremely healthy. So, I weighed about 105 pounds (barley 5 ft. tall), exercised regularly (a bit to much), ate healthy, AND my relationship with God was very strong- the best it had been in a long time! I was at Bible School at the time (Texas Bible Institute), I became sick- no energy, no appetite, weight loss, eye site deteriorating, major leg cramps, drinking GALLONS of water a day- just feeling horrible! I had no idea that for 3 months I had every symptom of Diabetes.
Myself and a few friends went home to Florida for Spring Break. I arrived and everyone flipped when they saw me- I was down to 89 lbs and just looked horrible (my mother didn't even recognize me at first). Everyone feared I was dealing with the anorexia again- I agreed to go to the doctor for blood work before leaving for the beach the next morning. I never made it the beach- instead I was admitted into the hospital for 10 days with a blood sugar of 900+ (normal is 90-120). Before I knew it- Insulin and glucometers were my new best friends. I quickly found myself bitter/angry/confused/depressed, it would be many years until I would recognize and deal with these emotions.
It is a hard thing to adjust to, all of my eating and exercise habits had to immediately change. Trying to learn the balance of insulin, food, and exercise caused me to go into severe hypoglycemia on more than one occasion.
The worst, was when my anger/bitterness over the Diabetes almost killed me. After living with the disease a couple of years- and being the 'perfect (terrified) diabetic'- I completely rebelled and slipped into a Diabetic Eating Disorder (you see, when your sugars are high- you lose weight. Mind you, I weighed 120 pounds). For 2 years, I took enough insulin to keep me alive, never checked my blood sugar, and ate anything/everything I wasn't suppose to. When I finally decided enough was enough- I need to get healthy again- I went to my doctor for a run down. They called me the next day- my doctor said my cholesterol was CRAZY high and my HbA1c was 22- apparently that is the highest A1c that whole team of doctors had ever seen. She told me if I didn't do something NOW- I would have a heart attack and be dead before I was 27. You could say that scared me. I began to take my responsibility towards my health serious. My body went into "after shocks"  of my 2 years of rebellion. Basically, my organs started shutting down because of the severe nerve damage my high blood sugars had caused. For 2 years I spiraled down hill faster than any doctor could catch me. I dropped down to 59 pounds, I couldn't eat, was in so much severe pain- no drug seemed to help. After 21 months of starring death in the face- my team of doctors told me I had spiraled into a wasting syndrome- and if we couldn't get ahead of it- they gave me 2 weeks to live. I remember looking in the mirror and for the first time in my life- I saw myself as sickeningly thin- I could count and see every bone in my body and looked like death- I decided at that moment- I wanted to live. It took a lot of fighting for another 6 months- but I made it!

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a desert with tumbleweeds rolling past me. I can honestly say- I don't know exactly what my purpose/job/calling is (outside of wife/mother/Christan)- and I think that is very sad at almost 37 years old. But,  I KNOW, that I KNOW, that I KNOW it MUST be something for someone- the circumstances I talked about above tells me that. My Daddy GOD has brought me and sustained me many times for me not to have a BIG purpose! I must be here for something bigger than myself- and I'm still determined to rediscover exactly what that is.