Monday, May 30, 2011

I KNOW I Have a Purpose...I Think!?!?

I'm sure we've all questioned our purpose/job/what we were created for at one time or another. I know I have many times.....I question/wonder about it to much. But those questions remind me of circumstances in my life that prove I do have some purpose. For expample:
When I was a baby, I developed Spinal Meningitis- I had it for over a week with a dangerously high fever before it was properly diagnosed. I slipped into coma for a few days, that is until our Pastor came in and prayed for me- my extremely high fever broke as I sat up in bed and asked for my Daddy. I have no damage from the high fever or anything else.
When I was 15, a van slammed into me, throwing me through the air, while I was crossing a major highway in Clearwater. Not only did I survive it, but had no injury outside of major bruising/scrapes/soreness (the van, on the other hand, had a ton of damage). I pretty much walked away from that one- the doctors couldn't even believe it.
There is the allergic reaction I had to Demerol at 16. When I was finally able to wake up- I went into seizures.
The difficult fight with anorexia/bulimia from the age of 17-22. I successfully overcame it only to see it show it's ugly head again when I was 23(in a different form) and almost killed me- more about that later.
Of course, there's the one that I still deal with every day- it was discovered at the age of 21. I was suddenly, out of nowhere, diagnosed with Type 1 Juvenile Diabetes. I know what your thinking- I was probably unhealthy, overweight, etc. BUT, I was everything but that! As I was trying to defeat the eating disorder- I became a bit of an exercise nut- and was eating more normally, although extremely healthy. So, I weighed about 105 pounds (barley 5 ft. tall), exercised regularly (a bit to much), ate healthy, AND my relationship with God was very strong- the best it had been in a long time! I was at Bible School at the time (Texas Bible Institute), I became sick- no energy, no appetite, weight loss, eye site deteriorating, major leg cramps, drinking GALLONS of water a day- just feeling horrible! I had no idea that for 3 months I had every symptom of Diabetes.
Myself and a few friends went home to Florida for Spring Break. I arrived and everyone flipped when they saw me- I was down to 89 lbs and just looked horrible (my mother didn't even recognize me at first). Everyone feared I was dealing with the anorexia again- I agreed to go to the doctor for blood work before leaving for the beach the next morning. I never made it the beach- instead I was admitted into the hospital for 10 days with a blood sugar of 900+ (normal is 90-120). Before I knew it- Insulin and glucometers were my new best friends. I quickly found myself bitter/angry/confused/depressed, it would be many years until I would recognize and deal with these emotions.
It is a hard thing to adjust to, all of my eating and exercise habits had to immediately change. Trying to learn the balance of insulin, food, and exercise caused me to go into severe hypoglycemia on more than one occasion.
The worst, was when my anger/bitterness over the Diabetes almost killed me. After living with the disease a couple of years- and being the 'perfect (terrified) diabetic'- I completely rebelled and slipped into a Diabetic Eating Disorder (you see, when your sugars are high- you lose weight. Mind you, I weighed 120 pounds). For 2 years, I took enough insulin to keep me alive, never checked my blood sugar, and ate anything/everything I wasn't suppose to. When I finally decided enough was enough- I need to get healthy again- I went to my doctor for a run down. They called me the next day- my doctor said my cholesterol was CRAZY high and my HbA1c was 22- apparently that is the highest A1c that whole team of doctors had ever seen. She told me if I didn't do something NOW- I would have a heart attack and be dead before I was 27. You could say that scared me. I began to take my responsibility towards my health serious. My body went into "after shocks"  of my 2 years of rebellion. Basically, my organs started shutting down because of the severe nerve damage my high blood sugars had caused. For 2 years I spiraled down hill faster than any doctor could catch me. I dropped down to 59 pounds, I couldn't eat, was in so much severe pain- no drug seemed to help. After 21 months of starring death in the face- my team of doctors told me I had spiraled into a wasting syndrome- and if we couldn't get ahead of it- they gave me 2 weeks to live. I remember looking in the mirror and for the first time in my life- I saw myself as sickeningly thin- I could count and see every bone in my body and looked like death- I decided at that moment- I wanted to live. It took a lot of fighting for another 6 months- but I made it!
Sometimes I feel like I'm in a desert with tumbleweeds rolling past me. I can honestly say- I don't know exactly what my purpose/job/calling is (outside of wife/mother/Christan)- and I think that is very sad at almost 37 years old. But,  I KNOW, that I KNOW, that I KNOW it MUST be something for someone- the circumstances I talked about above tells me that. My Daddy GOD has brought me and sustained me many times for me not to have a BIG purpose! I must be here for something bigger than myself- and I'm still determined to rediscover exactly what that is.

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