RELIEF!!

WELL, it is official....we are moving into a new apartment in 1 week!!!

I finally embraced that we would be moving, and started doing tons of research and phone calls to help Lupe out (prior to this, my denial left everything up to him). Last week, on Lupe's day off we hit the road with Gianna in tow to look at more apartments than I can count! I do know we were in and out of the car for over 6 hours.

Lupe ran across a place that looked to have potential, so the next day we all loaded up to go take a look. As we were driving over, Lupe looked at me and said we need to pray- sitting at the red light at Sunrise and Nob Hill, the whole family prayed for favor, guidance, and direction.

We walke into the model apartment, and I instantly liked it- not crazy about the kitchen- but I can handle  it. While Lupe was talking to the manager of the complex, she thanked him for being so kind and told him she was going to give him some more benfits on moving in. She waived the prorated rent for the month of January, gave us $300. off our move in costs, gave us $130. off the first months rent, and told us not to worry about paying a deposit until the day we move in. Believe me, we had spoken with so many complexes and none of them offered us this many discounts (if any at all). It was a huge blessing, I would say God definitely gave us favor!!

My girls are excited, although Tenly did say yesterday that she would miss this apartment- as will we all. It was our first home in this new season!!

Now, the packing has begun! The girls are so excited to help- they are doing a great job, but I do miss Sarah, Sandi, and Cat (and so many others) who helped me so much when we moved from Texas! It's been so much easier moving down the road, we will have about 4 days to get it all done little by little. 

I messaged my friend, Kim, to let her know we had found a place. She responded, asking if I was relieved. I really had not thought about it, as I was responding back to her- I realized just how relieved I truly was. Resistant is the only that will describe my initial response to moving. Now that a decision has been made, we have found a place we really like for the right price- I am so relieved!

It is no secret how much I despise change and fear the unknown- and this move fell into both of those categories. We had to move within weeks and there was not a place in sight- that really scard me. Although, I still do not love the fact we are moving- at least we know where we are going and we like the place (I may even like it more). We are also saving a significant amount of money that will give us a little more breathing room. 

I have to trust God in this, He knows what He's doing. We will be moving to a different school district, but we are hoping the school district will grant us reassignment for Tenly's current school.

Anyway, there are a couple of other things going on I want to post about, maybe in a couple of days!!

By the way, I wanted to post some pics of packing up the apartment- but my camera is not working! On the bright side- I just realized we have a warranty replacement plan- hopefully that's a great thing!!

Reflections of A Year...

WOW- a YEAR! Monday, December 13th, marks 1 year since we left Texas...and what a journey it has been!

November '10- I remember getting the news that we had 2 weeks to be moved, it was both relief and panic, excitement and complete fear.
Thanksgiving 2010 was saying heart felt goodbyes to Lupe's brothers and family, it was very bittersweet.

Nov/Dec '10- a blur of boxes and mad packing...in an organized fashion, or course. Making arrangements....trying to focus on the details helped not to focus on the uncertainties, while at the same time magnifying them.

December- A few days before we left, Lupe scheduled a promising job interview at the time when we really needed an extra dose of hope.
Friday, December 10, was Lupe's last day of work at BMI.
Sat, Dec 11, we picked up the UHaul and trailer and reserved our storage unit in Katy.
Sun, Dec 12, was our last service at BWOC, ending a 15 year legacy. Where Lupe grew by leaps and bounds, where my relationship with God became "real", where Lupe and I began, where we started our family, where our daughters were born, where life long relationships were developed, where painful and joyous growing and learning took place. I remember driving up to the house after picking up my dad and having such anticipation mixed with the uncertainty ahead of us.
Mon, Dec. 13- As I drug myself out of bed after my 1 hour of sleep, there were people already showing up with breakfast and taking the day off work to help and send us off. As we drove down the camp road, watching our first home grow distant behind us and driving past my friends homes and the camp sign for the last time, I cried and cried remembering the memories and our beginnings.
Wed, Dec 15- The day after we arrived in Florida, staying with my parents, Lupe was immediately hired by a company which would have us relocating in Ft. Lauderdale- it was SO God!
January, we were in Ft. Lauderdale trying to find a home and a church, 2 big priorities. We found ourselves committed to Community Christian Church where God connected me to a Bible Study for Mom's that changed my life with incredible friends.

In February, after some very difficult circumstances, we were in our new apartment and FINALLY had our stuff here with us! Looking back, that was a very difficult time, but we made it! Gianna turned 3!
March, my purse, identity, and a ton of money was stolen while in Miami. That situation haunted us for months, but we made it.
April, we finally had all the money back and I also became a working mom. I really grew through that transition and overcame Mommy Guilt Syndrome.
Summer, Tenly started VPK preschool and turned 5, Gianna became my little "assistant" at work every day.August, Lupe hit a difficult time at his job and found himself looking for a new work. This is when I really saw that I was learning to trust God. I was also asked to serve in the Women's Ministry at church, felt myself needed and useful again. Tenly started Kindergarten.

September, the opportunity to serve and speak at a CCC event and lead a Bible Study, it was a pivotal moment for me.

October, Lupe had a great new job...a pay cut....but his happiness was a great price to pay. Opportunity to Trust a bit more, and it came easier.

November, Lupe started his new job and I lost my perfect job. Another opportunity to Trust my Daddy God. A major infection in my eye hit me really hard physically, emotionally, and spiritually...but I made it!

December....1 year later...and we made it! My girls are flourishing and happy, Gianna is so tender and sweet with a personality to match- she starts PreK next year. Tenly, my little Kindergartner, growing like a weed and I can't keep up with the clothes. Although, Tenly is having a few opportunities in school (being the youngest in her class, she may have to stay back...mommy guilt!)- God has blessed her with a teacher who is patient and dotes on her. She is so compassionate and loving. Lupe, he is as amazing as ever, I told his supervisor the other day that I think it is impossible for anyone not to like him. He gives selflessly to our girls and I daily, I am beyond blessed that he is mine. And, Me,  I am trying to continue to see every situation and circumstance in my life as an opportunity to grow, learn, and help others. I continue to learn to Trust and have Faith. I'm on the brink of something bigger than myself and am excited to see it come to fruition...

I know this is a long blog...but I wanted to take this anniversary to thank my God, my Family, my Friends for loving us, holding us, carrying us, praying for us, believing in us, encouraging us, walking with us through this situation. God is so good, believe me, if you doubt God's love and ability and faithfulness- the last year of my families life is absolute proof of it. Now, I am ready to embark on the second year full of more anticiaption and hope and less fear and uncertainty.....

We Closed One Door & Let God Open The Other

A few posts ago, I talked about my husband, Lupe's, decision to leave his current job. I had mixed feelings about it considering he did not even have a prospect of a new job in sight. But, hearing the defeated sound in his voice- I just couldn't ask him to stay. Lupe recently shared with me he regretted part of his decision. He said, he still would of called me and told me he couldn't do it anymore- but he would of waited to give his notice until he had something else- he reacted emotionally. Anyone who knows Lupe, knows he is NOT an emotional person at all- he is VERY stable- so this was a very unusual thing. Then he told me he asked God to forgive him and to help him learn from it, and then asked God to show his grace and provide a new job.

Since Lupe gave his notice- I believe it was in July- he has been fervently putting out applications at any and every opportunity. Honestly, not many responses considering how many apps he was putting out there. There were many times I had to just talk to myself, quote the Word of God to prevent myself of becoming easily overwhelmed (as I do to often).

About a month ago, Lupe received a phone call regarding an application he put in with Winn Dixie grocery store as a Culinary Director. It was an attractive position in many ways. One of the biggest perks is it is less than 10 minutes down the road vs. the 20 minute drive we now have. The position leaves room for creativity and advancement and bonuses.

After Lupe's 3rd interview, the HR director called and told him he was her pick for the job- but he had to go into another interview with some other directors and to really sell himself. She even took the time to prep him for the interview for a bit. Well, 3 interviews after that Lupe was officially offered the position and he took it. He did have to take a pay cut, but even with that- he is so excited about this job and we both have a total peace.

I told Lupe about a week ago about how much I have grown through this process. I don't wish this type of situation on anyone, but I can honestly say I am thankful for it. My faith and trust in God would not be where it is had it not been for this very difficult process! God has blessed and kept us beyond my expectations. There was even another company who was really wanting Lupe to work for them and were so disappointed when he had to inform them he had taken the other position- that was a nice little bonus!!

We've questioned our decisions at times, Lupe even wondered if he's made a mistake when he took the job that moved us down here. We don't know why the picture has played out the way it has. Maybe the experience at the other place helped in getting him in at Winn Dixie. Maybe God placed Lupe there to minister to some of the other staff or plant some seeds. Maybe God was using the whole situation to strengthen my faith. I don't know why, but I do know that as hard as it has been...I'm grateful for the process and for the opportunity to share how faithful my God is.

Excitement and Uncertainty

December 12! THE day!

Lupe's last "working" day would be December 10th.

Seemed like we spent days of weighing out our options- especially when we had limited resources, no job/home yet, and Christmas right around the corner.

Lupe had been sending out resumes and applications at every opportunity, but had not heard back on anything yet.

My parents had eagerly invited us to stay with them indefinitely without any hesitation- this brought huge relief!

We had been primarily looking at moving to the Lakeland, FL area- this is where I was living while Lupe and I dated and we both loved the area- and it was in a central location to a lot of family and friends. But, no doors had really opened as of yet- so we just continued to look and pray...look and pray...!
With limited resources and Christmas so close, we decided it would be a good idea to store our things in Texas and return to get them instead of shelling out so much money up front to get all of our things in storage in Florida (a decision we would late regret). We rented a trailer to bring the stuff we needed immediately with us to my parents and stored the rest of our things in Houston.

A few days before we left Texas, Lupe felt prompted to call a friend of ours, Ventura, from the church and inquire if he knew of any jobs available in his field (Independent and Assisted Living Facilities for Seniors). Ventura asked Lupe to send him his resume and give him a couple days to make some calls. He did call Lupe back and put him in touch with a friend in the field who had a facility in the Ft. Lauderdale area. By the end of the day, Lupe had an immediate interview lined up on Thursday Morning- the day after we arrived in Florida. (Funny part is, Lupe had fallen in love with Ft. Lauderdale when we were vacationing there that August- and was always "joking" about how often we could visit there.)

We would have the weekend to pull last minute stuff together, we were to be at church, Sunday December 12, so the Pastors and Leadership could pray over us and send us out from under that covering with their love and blessing. After church that afternoon, the girls and I were headed to the airport to pick up my dad and Lupe was headed to pick up the truck and trailer to begin packing our things.

Well, December 12 came and went. After our last service, we felt good. We felt the release we needed and wanted, not so much by the Pastors and Leadership- although that was great, but by God! We felt more than ever that we were following His leading and making the right decision for us and our family! The love, hugs, and encouragement that we were given by so many helped to give us even more peace. It was an emotional day- but very sweet.

After FINALLY getting back to the house, I became quite overwhelmed! I felt like I had done such a good job packing up- but there were still so many loose ends and last minute stuff that I really didn't expect. I wish I had pictures of all of the people that showed up and stayed with us late into the night and came back so early the next morning to help and just show us their love- it was so overwhelming. I remember for instance, Hania showed up that night and played with the girls while I ran around crazy- then came the next morning with our favorite breakfast and stayed until we pulled out of the driveway (all these memories are bringing me to tears even now). My friend, Catherine, took the day off of work at the last minute and helped until we had the truck unloaded in Houston- not because she had to, but because she wanted to.

My dad, the girls, and I followed Lupe, driving the truck, down that long road- I remember wishing Lupe was with me as we passed the entrance to the ministry grounds. I cried out of excitement, memories, leaving where our family began, fear, and anticipation.

It took us a couple of days to get to Florida. When we finally arrived- and we drove past the ocean on every side (which I had missed immensely)- we knew we were home (I joke with Lupe, that I believe he's really a Floridian at heart). We unpacked the trailer and car, and actually unpacked and had everything put away in our little bedroom at my parents before we went to bed. It was very hard to say goodbye to Lupe early the next morning as he left for his job interview- it was a 3 hour drive so he would come back the next morning. We had no idea what to expect , all we knew how to do was trust God.............................

Green Light Means GO!

April of 2010. Lupe and I were in our bedroom. He was laying on the bed watching some TV while I was folding and putting away laundry.We were making some small talk here and there (during commercials, because everyone knows a man can't multitask with a TV on), just a relaxing night after the girls were in bed. Suddenly, Lupe says to me out of nowhere, "I think it's time"- I had no idea what he was talking about, I asked for more information. Lupe began to explain that he was feeling the release from The Ministry. Of course, I had been feeling the same thing (because that's the way God works). I love how we both had been feeling for a release for a few weeks but neither of us had said anything- we both wanted to be sure. What was so wonderful, is that everything was fine- no drama or 'situations' going on, we weren't angry or bitter with anything/anyone- we just felt that release because it was simply the time. I began telling Lupe how God had been whispering the same to me- I felt such a peace and freedom and joy as we began talking and discussing our future.

We had no details/plans/jobs- nothing- but we did have a "Green Light" from God to start our new season, or our New Life, and that in itself brought an incredible peace. My friend, Carrie, recently described the jump into the unknown with NO plan in sight as "...Faith or stupidity.." (Carrie and her family can speak candidly considering they took the same 'leap' we did at the same time from the same place). It took a few weeks for us to process, are we really doing this!?!?! After much discussion, we felt we were suppose to move to Florida- Lupe had some family in Texas- but we both felt we needed to be near family that were able to be ever present for us and our girls. Lupe loves my family as if he were there own- and they love him the same (I sometimes think they'd keep him over me). That was one BIG decision down, now we had to think of which city, jobs, homes, schools, moving money, the process, and WHEN!

You would think the "when" would be a matter of looking at a calender and coordinating with a schedule of needs and necessities and timing. Well, typically that would be true. But, according to the ministry guidelines that we agreed to (and were determined to honor)- we needed to wait to give our "notice" until the 1st of September, after that we and the leadership would decide on a mutually agreed upon "exit date" (last day). So, yes- they determined our last day- not us. We knew this going in, and began to plan the best way we could without knowing. We weren't allowed to tell anyone of our plans- everything was secretive. Although, in full disclosure, I did tell a handful of people that I was close to and Lupe mentioned it to about 2 people he was close to.
It was scary, we knew of people and couples who had resigned before and were given a couple weeks (or days) to pack up and leave. That scared the heck out of me that potentially we could be give the same terms. We were trying to save money, to prepare and be ready for almost anything at any time. I began packing boxes a bit at a time, moved all the furniture out of the dining room and began replacing it all with boxes. Things continued going smoothly, not much was said for awhile after we gave our notice- not that we wanted a lot said, but sometimes silence is scarier than a screaming match.

Finally, Lupe had a "meeting"- in that meeting they released us from all church services and gave Lupe the weekends off- except when there was a retreat- but we still had no "exit date". We continued to go to church although we had been "released" (I mean, come on, where else would we be). Rumors starting flying of course and it started to "leak out" among the staff that we were resigning. It was weird, I would walk away from a conversation and just know that the person I was speaking to knew- although they didn't say a word about it. There was a strange undercurrent we felt- it may of been valid or it may have been our imagination and paranoia.
During all of this, I questioned my ability to hear God's voice. Why did I question it? I questioned it because the leadership, that taught me how to listen and hear God's voice, questioned our ability to hear it. But, Lupe and I grew closer together, and our prayer life grew- and in that we knew that God had given us direction. Since arriving in Florida, I have questioned it again- but each time I am reassured when God proves Himself and shows Himself time and time again.

Transition: RIGHT NOW Would Be Better....

TRANSITION, it's not easy- but it is very necessary.
Lupe and I had been married about 3 years when that exciting and scary word appeared: Transition. In our situation, that word meant we would be leaving our current position at the ministry. Not just leaving our position, but leaving our home, many comfortable things that we had while working there.
I didn't say much to Lupe about it at first, I had to make sure I was truly hearing the right thing and not acting on emotions or anger. It didn't appear at a difficult time, I was content and things were going smoothly. I still struggled with some things, but was beginning to learn how to pick my battles and work on me instead of trying to change everyone else.
I felt confident that this 'feeling' was not emotional, so I starting really seeking God- I had to know for sure before I went to Lupe. Then one night a couple weeks later, Lupe casually mentions  that he really felt we were in a time of transition. I looked at him and asked, "REALLY?" (it's very rare for Lupe to ever speak off of emotions- so I new this was real and BIG!) Well, that helped confirm exactly what I was feeling- so my next question was, "WHEN?".
The ministry we worked for had a set of guidelines, it helped not only protect- but keep the ministry(s) running smoothly because of the unique setup of the many different entities that came from under that one umbrella. Therefore, within the guidelines there were times established for "a change of season" or when you resigned- of course, we had agreed to the guidelines and had every intention of honoring them. Lupe and I continued to pray, and quickly sensed we weren't to resign then. Transition, we knew, could be anywhere from a couple months to 3 years or so.
Well, my Transition required something I'm not very good at: PATIENCE! Especially when some of our other friends we're resigning and stepping out into new things- that brought a bit of jealousy and moments of me begging God. We wanted so badly to leave at the right time. I had watched people stay TOO long, and they turned so bitter and angry that they can't even step foot back on the ministry grounds- and many of them no longer have any relationship with God.We also wanted our Pastor to know before we even told him, we felt like if this was God (and we were sure it was) it wouldn't come as any surprise, that God would have already prepared his heart before we said a word. We knew we couldn't control any one's actions or response, but we could only control ours, and were determined to do the right thing regardless of what may/may not happen. Lupe had been there 15 years- that is a LONG time- he wasn't perfect at his job, but he was really good at it- he had it down to a science. So, it was kind of like Lupe letting go of his "baby"- he'd worked/developed/trained/organized- and he wanted to be sure that he could walk away with the confidence that he'd done everything he was suppose to.
But, of course, that would all come 3 years down the road. 3 years of waiting and sometimes telling God- I'm not ready and sometimes BEGGING God to let me go!! So much to go through to prepare for a major transition. But, we walked it- and jumped many hurdles, fell down, and tripped along the way.
As I look back at this, I wonder- where was I during this?, what did I take away?, where can I find me now in it? While I was "in it", I was fearful- I don't like change and thrive on stability- I knew this wasn't going to be easy. I took away, understanding the process and being thankful for it and I, trust- I learned how to trust, and I grew in patience.
Looking back- what did I lose and what do I want to "take back"?- I second guessed myself and Lupe a lot, which came from fear of being wrong and fear of disappointing a man. My "take away" is my confidence in knowing that I know my God's voice and putting my trust and hope in Him and not a man. SO, I'm finding that confidence in not only God and knowing His voice- but also in my relationship with Him.

The BEST "OOPS" That's Ever Happened....

OKay- To be honest, I had planned to write something else- but then I thought it only fair to tell this part- on top of the fact that it's just plain WONDERFUL.... Who's Plan Are We Suppose To Follow Again?

I'm a planner! I like everything organized, you know the "There's a place for everything, and everything in it's place" kind of girl. My family pick on me about being OCD- I am so NOT OCD- although I can be a little extreme at times- but have gotten much better (I don't vacuum 3 times a day anymore). I like things clean and neat and despise clutter. If it doesn't have a use, purpose, or truly important meaning- it does not belong. I use my organizer/planner to coordinate and plan everything- my husband I go to bed with our plan for the next day. I, and my family, function best this way.

I said all of that to say this, I (we) 'planned/organized' our family also. But, my plan was clearly not 'His' plan. We weren't going to have children for 1 year (although, I already wrote about our intentional change of plans on that one), we wanted 3 children all 2-3 years apart. Isn't that a great plan? Of course it is, just not the one for us!

Tenly was 10 MONTHS OLD when I found out I was pregnant with our second baby. I was sick, and unreasonably emotional. Quick story, I was in church (didn't know I was pregnant) and VERY aggravated at my husband over something (Lupe and I rarely fight)- I was so upset I had to walk out to calm myself down. I was trying not to look/talk to anyone because I knew I'd get even more upset. My friend, Carrie, saw me and immediately knew I was not okay. I told her, I can't say anything, I'll cry more. She finally convinced me to talk to her, and after I explained how horrible Lupe was and how upset I was she had a funny look on her face as she quietly shook her head. Carrie then gently took my hand and asked, "Jenn, are you pregnant?"! I laugh now, because I was so aggravated that she said that- I just looked at her and said NO, I cant be! Looking back, yes, I was very unreasonably emotional!

You see, I could not be pregnant because I was birth control and breast feeding- so there was NO way! Boy, was I wrong. After crying while watching a comedy sitcom, I put my shoes on and walked out of the house. Lupe ran after me asking what was wrong and where I was going, while sobbing I yelled I was going to buy a pregnancy test. He was STUNNED, and 3 pregnancy tests later I was still in denial.

I was so scared to be pregnant with a child still in diapers, this WAS NOT in my plan- and I had told God MY plan- wasn't He listening?

My pregnancy was much like my first, except I only lost 29 pounds during my 9 months of sickness instead of the 39 I lost with Tenly. I remember Tenly's 1st Birthday party- I  had about 80 people outside 'partying' while I ran in and out of the house puking. My WONDERFUL friend (couldn't of done it without her), Sandi, decorated, held my hair while I puked, cleaned up, and took care of Tenly when Lupe took care of me. No one but Sandi and Lupe really knew how bad I was doing that day- I was a great faker that day!We found out we were having another girl (I was blessed with a husband with no gender preference for his children). I always loved the fact that I have my Daddy's initials- and since we had decided that this would be our last child- we thought that would be a great thing to do with Gianna Avie. The end of this pregnancy was crazy- I ended up in ICU with a pain in my ribs under my chest that they couldn't diagnose. While in there I gained 20 pounds over night- literally- no exaggeration. It made the doctors confused and concerned when we couldn't get rid of the water I was retaining. After being put on bed rest and finally finding out Gia's lungs were developed- my doctor called me at 9pm to tell me to come in at 5:30am for the c-section (she was breach).

Gianna was born at 7:32 weighing 7'6 (she was a month early)- she was perfect and came to the room immediately- No NICU this time! What a miracle!

That's why Gianna Avie, is the best "OOPS!" that's ever happened to me! Gianna wasn't in my plan at that point- but she was in God's plan- which just shows that His plan IS perfect!

TEXAS Bound- Let The Shaking Begin.....

This post is my perception, how I felt, what I learned- this is written at a very 'raw' time for me and exposing my heart and experiences to help me grow beyond it.

After our wonderful Honeymoon in Cancun, Lupe and I flew into Houston and headed to our home. Lupe had been on staff for 11 years at the Ministry- so...I was headed off to do the one thing I had said I'd NEVER do when I was younger- going into Full Time Ministry. It was a very large active ministry in Texas: a Bible School during the school year that had retreats for woman/men/youth/kids on the weekends, a youth/kids camp during the summer, and then also had a church. The staff lived on the ministry grounds- which has positive and negative points- just like everything does, I guess.
There is a little more to this that goes back to when Lupe and I first met 11 years before. See, this is the same ministry I went to Bible School with. While at Bible School, I was hired to stay on as Summer Staff for the Camps and honestly hoped to stay on as full time staff after that. A month after I was hired, I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. Considering the VERY intense schedule that summer camp requires (pretty much no days off for 9 weeks and very long days), and all the changes and unknowns (that still scared the crap out of me) diabetes required me to implement and learn- I just felt like it wouldn't be a good decision for me work the summer. I was angry, not because of not being able to stay, as much as I felt that this stupid disease  had stolen something from me. So, when I moved out to the camp- it kind of felt a little 'full circle' for me.
SO, when asked "what area of the ministry do you want to work in?" after Lupe and I were married- I told them I didn't think it would be possible for me to do so. The main reason, was that I needed insurance- my medical expenses: doctors, meds, insulin pump supplies,etc.- was to expensive to handle without insurance. Lupe had private insurance, I abruptly found that private insurance wouldn't even consider me to insure! So, I went to look for a job where I could have corporate insurance that MUST carry me- considering my circumstances- this was the wisest thing to do. You also must understand, I am a very opinionated person. I do not expect everyone to agree with my opinions/views, but I DO expect to have the right to express them (respectably, of course). I am also a very organized/methodical person who believes in systems and planning and prefer predictability 9/10 times. For all of those reasons, my wonderful, wise husband thought it would be a good idea for me NOT to work at the ministry. At first, I was a bit frustrated by this- but QUICKLY realized that he was absolutely right!
Although, I did not 'work' at the ministry- I was still expected (required, lol) to be at majority of all functions/meetings or whatever they deemed necessary at the last minute. Depending on the moment/mood/demand- I was okay or not okay with these little/big requirements. I had to stop many times and evaluate my heart/attitude/motives for my reactions or lack of. At times, they were valid and at times they were no doubt straight up rebellious!
I often felt there was no purpose for me being there beyond my title and being another number or body to fill a seat- that's hard when you feel, or rather when you KNOW, you have more to offer. At first, I would buck the system- not in defiance- but out of fighting for my giftings/skills/talents and ME! I no longer had a name, I was introduced as Pastor Lupe's, our Dining Service Directors, Wife- many times my name wasn't even said.
Eventually, I stopped fighting or bucking the system- I just accepted it. I can look back now and see how dangerous that is, when you stop fighting for what you believe in.
But, as for me and my abilities, I was just tired- so I stopped- and a big part of me died when I did. Lupe's job seemed easier- he wasn't having to go into meetings defending me or worrying what truth/opinion/view I was going to express. So, it just seemed the right thing to do- and I sometimes wonder if it was/was not- or if I just failed to find the balance of how to do it. It was 'frowned upon' to express anything except your gratitude and agreement in all situations. If someone asked me about a circumstance, I HAD to defend it- whether I agreed or not. Is that okay? If you defend something that goes against your core values/convictions, is that a lie?
I believe that these circumstances, have a lot to do with where I am today. Is it 'all their fault'? NO! I have to take responsibility. There's 2 sides to every story, and I know there are MANY things I coulda/shoulda/woulda done differently. I can't change/control anyone or anything- I can only change and control me!