Yep, it was one of those days today. One of those days that just hurt and made me question all of my carefully thought out "strategic parenting".
It hasn't just been today, it has been several days...toooo many days of struggling to hear respect in her voice, following directions, listening the FIRST time, and of course climbing the Mt. Everest of homework. I have even began to hear Tenly raise her voice to me and stomp her foot....more than once!!
I know I have written similar posts of these frustrations before. But, today I just seemed to have been derailed as I cried in my bed over what seemed to be defeat, frustration and surrender all balled up together. Mind you, I have not been quite the "model Mom" in my responses to my beautiful sassy daughters outbursts- so you might as well add Mommy-Guilt to that ball while we're at it. I have never been much of a yeller, but at times it feels like an alien has taken over as I hear my voice shrieking, "Are you kidding me? Did you really just do that...?"
I had, what I thought to be, a GREAT idea! It was a beautiful day in South Florida, 70 degrees and not a cloud in the sky, a perfect day to do homework out back on the water. I though this was brilliant enough to take any negativity out of homework and make Tenly forget how tired she may be.
After several chances (too many, consider one chance sufficient in my book), she was sent back inside to be disciplined.
I am a tired Mom. I am tired of fighting with my 6 year old. I am tired of over-analyzing my parenting skills/methods and tired of changing them. I am tired of making Tenly cry, and I am tired of crying. I am tired of being the wearing the red horns with matching red pitchfork surrounded by flames, while Daddy flies in the clouds with the angel wings and halo.
But, that's also what makes me a Good Mom. I care enough to continue to question everything and change it. That I care enough about raising good respectful kids that I am willing to be the bad guy and "make" them cry. That I still hurt when I see my kids cry, whether it's because they have fallen, had their feelings hurt, or are being disciplined by their mean Mom.
My heart still hurts and I still have a million questions rolling around in my head. My day with my girls is coming to an end very soon, I pray that my heart and Tenly's heart both feel better when it does.
God, continue to give me wisdom and help me to grow, listen, make changes, capitalize on being right and admit when I am wrong. I have already proven that this is one job I cannot do without my God and today I have needed Him more than ever.