Mommy Competition(s)

School! The kids are heading back to school next Monday! I am so ready for predictability and a schedule. Tenly will be starting 1st grade and Gianna is starting VPK (Florida PreK) for 3 long hours a day. Not sure how it is going to feel to be without both of them 5 days a week for a few hours- although I am excited to find out. I also love that Tenly has to wear uniforms this year, no more tug-a-wars over outfits and shoes. I am looking forward to these parts.

What am I not looking forward to? 

- The outrageous amount of money to spend on school supplies.

$$PART of the school supplies$$

- The adjustment period for them (averaging 3-4 weeks). You know, they come whiny and tired- pretty much- FRIED! 

- Me losing control- again! I hate not being there to watch and protect their every move as much as I am excited to have them safely out of sight and independent.

- *Learning all of the "new" systems and procedures and people and kids.

- *Being "evaluated" and on display.

Okay, now I will get to the point of all of that.

*Those last 2 I mentioned are the ones that I, as a Mom, hate the most- it's something that my kids must face but it is also something that I face (and I am sure I am not the only one...I hope!).

As most know, I HATE the unknown- change repulses me. That is one of the reasons I am HATING that both of my girls are in new schools this year and I am going have to relearn all of the new systems/procedures: drop-off, pick-up, volunteering, PTO, office staff, teachers, pretty much everything!

I had a horrible situation last year that is haunting me this year. First day of Kindergarten for Tenly, I was both excited and terrified for her and could not wait to pick her up. I felt pretty good about the pick-up procedures, it had been explained and I even asked additional questions to clarify. I felt good until I arrived and something just wasn't making sense- it did not seem like the car line should of been THAT long! I sat in the line anxiously waiting and checking the clock. 

Then, my cell phone rang- it was Tenly's teacher asking where I was...I am IN this CRAZY long car line! She informed me I was in the wrong line, to go around all of the cars and into the loop, as I did what she said I was on the verge of tears! How could I screw up that terribly on my babies first day of Kindergarten?????

As I drove up, there she was- the only kid left standing with the Vice Principle alone. I could see both relief and tears as I got up there. Talk about Mommy guilt, and what a great first impression to leave to the administration and teachers! I felt a pretty big "fail" that day.

You better be sure that even if I know nothing else at the first day of school, I will know about drop off and pick up!

On Friday (for Tenly) and Saturday (for Gianna), we have school orientation. I always feel as if I am being evaluated by everyone for everything. How you look, how your kid looks, what you say, what you do, what you don't say, what you don't do, and every move you and your child make is on display for evaluation. First impressions- yuck- to much pressure.

Who wrote the rules and criteria that goes with this "Mommy Competitions" that we all seem to be on at one time or another? It's pretty sad, as much as we all need each other for support we seem to be always try to "one up" each other. I am ashamed to say that I am not innocent, I have done the same thing to other Mom's that I hate being done to me.

As a Christian it sure is not okay to find myself participating on either side of this unproductive "game". What type of example am I setting if I am giving an unfair evaluation and/or trying to display myself correctly for one- which will usually come across as fake. Most important, what am I teaching my girls as they observe this behavior- because believe me- they notice!

My girls do not have to better than any other, nor do I- as long as our focus is where it needs to be, I think we will be okay. I am really trying to display myself as no one else but Tenly and Gianna's Mom that loves them (and others) unconditionally. I want others to see God's love in myself and in my girls and be drawn to that- not pushed away by me trying to measure up or one-up. Isn't this special time supposed to be all about my kids anyway?

Day1: Giving Up Control, A Little Bit...

Last week was a rough week for me, I explained it a little in my post "What Do You Expect?" We have just hit a stage that I am finding myself repeating every request to my girls 3-10 times! That has left me wondering what are they and/or ME doing wrong? Are my expectations that unreasonable or are my girls just going through one of those stages that 4 and 6 year olds go through?

I had a couple people tell me that they are finding themselves in the same place and just feel like bad Mom's- that brought me comfort to know I am not alone. My friend, Eva (who did a guest post awhile back), sent me a very encouraging message. She had been there several times with her 4 boys, and survived to tell the tale. Basically, she explained and encouraged me not to allow my expectations to crush their spirits. Then my friend Rachel (who also guest posted and is finding herself in my same situation lately), sent me this little post on Facebook: 

 How great is that quote? Kind of hit me in all the right places! My sister Tara recently posted on her blog  (Destiny Driven Diva) a similar post on "Taming The She-Ra Beast" that gave me some hope.
 So, I wish I was going to say that after all of the wonderful advice and "ah-ha" moments after my "What Do You Expect" post I reevaluated and completely changed my approach. Ya, well...FAIL, big time. Yes, especially yesterday. Between Tenly losing her glasses (it's hard for a control freak like myself to not be able to find something in my perfectly controlled world), the girls again not seeming to be listening to a single thing I said- I find myself losing it...again (hours after my Pastor preached a great Word on "Yielding" and "God's Presence"- who does that...ME). After my poor husband came home and pacified me with his presence and making me some of his incredible guacamole, I made a decision or lost my mind, not sure which yet.

Day 1- Middle of Day

Decision, I am giving up a huge amount of control to my 4 & 6 year olds. I am not going to make them clean up anything for 3 days. It is up to them what is and is not put away (since this is what majority of my repeating self seems to revolve around). I really may have lost my mind here, this decision goes against every organized/ordered fiber in my being. Oh ya, another big part of this, I cannot allow myself to get angry,anxious, or overwhelmed during the process or kind of deletes the purpose.
Purpose? Why am I doing something so...crazy? I think I know why, let me give a few reasons (which I choose to change, simply because I can and I am a woman). I am hoping that they will realize and appreciate how wonderful it is to live in a clutter mess free home vs. a messy chaotic one- of course I realize this is very likely to backfire on me (Jesus help me). Also, I want to discover my girls preferences when mine are not hoovering over their heads. Are they naturally orderly and organized, are they cluttery, or- God help me- are they messy (NOOOOOOOOOOOOO). I really don't know where their tendencies lie in this area because I require them to maintain things as I do. Finally, I am stretching myself. If I can extend enough to grace to accept and function with people unlike myself outside of my family, doesn't my family deserve that same grace? I need to draw a line for myself so that I do not (further) damage a relationship with my daughters because I have smothered, rather than nurtured, their gifts.

Day 1: Middle of Day

Does this mean that I will just shut the door and allow their areas to look like a bomb hit it? Uh, NO- you all know me better than that! But, I am hoping to be able to filter things to see some things as creative and unique instead of messy and chaos.
I will post to let you know of my progress and theirs. This is going to require so much prayer for me, really! I am looking forward to growing through this process and not going crazy. 
Here is a couple of pictures of their bedroom on Day 1, about 4 hours into my experiment. Not bad, huh? I'm still smiling.....

**For an update on how the "experiment" is going:
Day 2: Stressing My Kids

Time For A Facelift..

.. or, I guess it should say a "Bloglift". That's right, this Blog (and Mom) have evolved and that means I am making some changes. Let me explain a little.. I have "found myself" (not totally, but a good percentage)...

When I began this Blog (you can go back to the beginning)- I was selfishly doing it for me and this was one time I was okay with being selfish. I was about to take myself through a painful, but necessary, process of prying through the good, bad, and ugly of Jenn Garcia. I was proud of myself for finally being brave enough to face the true "Me" and deal with the many things I had been avoiding. 

The Blog was titled, "Jenn, Finding Myself Again.." and it has been documenting my process of trying to rediscover me, my talents, who I am at my core and what God has called me to. I felt my identity had been lost in "just" being a Wife and Mother. My first post was titled Jeremiah 29:11, at that time that verse was my lifeline.

I believe one of my first break throughs was when I made the Blog public. My survival for a very long time was based on how people perceived me- that's what had me on this impossible uphill battle to perfectionism, which I will never obtain. This process has taught me to give myself permission to "let go".

So, my discovery? My family is what God has called me to right now. I know this seems so "simple" and why has it taken me a year to come to the conclusion that being a Wife and Mom is sufficient? Maybe because it wasn't really as much of me losing my gifts, talents and abilities; but it was more about me not being able to locate them anymore underneath all of the anger, bitterness and junk I had allowed to corrupt my heart and mind.

My gifts and talents have never gone anywhere, and now I realize that I have my family to pour them into. At times, I have been given other opportunities to use them in other areas- but not at the expense of my family. 
Writing this Blog has given me the opportunity to connect with many other Moms’ and Women- that has been very refreshing! That takes me to my new objective for this Blog. It will be geared more towards Mom's- but Women also. Recently, I have been grabbing insight from so many other Mom's- because I felt it important that we learn and support each other instead of the need to "one up" or compete. I will be honest, some of the answers to questions I have asked have challenged me to reevaluate my ways, some have helped me embrace/understand differences and some have reinforced why I do things the way I do. I realized through the answers just how judgmental I have been towards Mom's who do things differently from me- I have a new appreciation for other methods and realize I can't judge because I don't know. The biggest shocker, I have made some changes in how I do some things after hearing how/what/when/why Mom's do things the way they do.

I will be continuing to spotlight other Mom's- I LOVE reading what they have to say! I will also be continuing to hit on a variety of other things as they come to mind or heart.

Thanks for sticking with me, following, and reading. The support has helped me in this process. If you have not joined this group, I ask you to do so and pass it along. The site will have a new title and maybe a new look; so don't be caught off guard next time you check in! Thanks for going on this journey with me....

Totally Missed The Point

It suddenly HIT me last night....I had totally missed the whole point! I do not usually do posts so closely together, but after my sudden revelation last night- I had to write an update!

If you did not read my post from yesterday, I will do a little recap.

I'm in the process of starting a new Bible Study at church, Me, Myself, & Lies: A Thought Closet Makeover. The study challenges you to become aware of your thoughts and how they affect you in the different areas of your life. After the awareness, you are challenged to change your thinking into what God says and to disengage from worry, anxiety, and negativity.

That process brought me to realize how negative my thinking was and the reality that I saw myself as unimportant, useless, talentless, not needed/necessary. It was very disturbing and pretty much shook me to the core.  I could not believe I did not serve any purpose outside of a wife and mother- not that those are not important and celebrated- but I needed to be more.

That discovery and revelation of my thoughts felt like I slammed into a brick wall.

It was not until last night while I was cooking dinner that the light bulb suddenly went on! I was doing it again- letting my and what I believed to be others thoughts and opinions of me control me. The premise of this study is to replace the negative "stuff" with what the Word of God says.

Jeremiah 29:11 (the verse I've been "standing" on), says the complete opposite of what I have been feeling, not to mention the many more verses that I read, and read, and read!!

It's almost embarrassing to realize how I so easily almost missed it all only to begin spiraling downward again. I do not really know what my purpose, talent, usefulness, or importance is- but, I can say that I know I have one- huge difference!

I have mentioned Ann Voscamp in my posts before, but I wanted to tell everyone about The Joy Dare: Count 1000 Gifts in 2012 . It is also an opportunity to change your thinking. Everyday of 2012, you are challenged to be grateful for 3 things. Ann even has a "prompter" for every day to probe your thinking. It is a "Dare To Live Fully Right Where You Are". Wouldn't that be incredible, to embrace and enjoy every moment to the fullest- from doing laundry to a sweet a gift? At some point, maybe at the end of the year, I hope to have my list of 1000 gifts and may even put them in my blog. I hope some will join me and grow with me....

Peeling Back The Layers Is Straight Up Ugly!

First, I will give a little up date on our situation. We are narrowing down our options on moving. We've pretty much decided we are going to move into another apartment for now, one that fits better with our finances. We have a couple we are choosing between. Continue to pray with us about the school zoning, we are believing that Tenly will be granted permission to stay at her current school even if it's outside our zoning. No, I have not started packing yet- waiting until we sign on the dotted line and it's official. Anyway....

The last couple days, I have not been the best person to be around. When I am "challenged"- by circumstances, my children, my husband- I just seem to break. It has not made me the easiest person to be around, to be honest. My frustrations are valid, by why do they seem to just knock me over?

One reason, I think, is because of some things I've uncovered...and I don't like it! I have begun reading through the book, "Me, Myself, & Lies", and it forces you to take a hard look at yourself.

There are many questions, in this study, about what I think of myself and how I view myself. After over analyzing the questions (as I do so well) and thinking way to long about my answers- I was a little shocked by what I saw as I pulled back some layers.

Words, such as: useless, needless, unimportant, untalented, failure, unsuccessful. Now, I am not saying all of this for attention and reassurance. Many people throughout my life have reassured me of everything opposite of those words- but for some reason I don't see what they see. I am at a place of having to reshape my mind to see and think what God sees.

I am a good mom and a good wife, but when my impatience and frustrations overwhelm me (as of lately), I no longer see a good mom/wife- I see an impatient emotional woman that no one wants to be around, including me. In those moments, it's easiest to just shut down and sleep or clean so I don't have to face "me".

I really want to discover what I am good at, what am I here for? I know I'm here to be Lupe's wife, and a mother to Tenly and Gianna. But, do I have any purpose outside of that?

I was asked a couple of weeks ago if I wanted to finish my teaching degree, my answer was, no. I do want to go back to school and have my degree in ...something. I have no idea what! Really, I do not know. That is so frustrating to me, to have no idea what I want to do. Is my purpose to throw myself into being a great Godly wife and mother?

I see different people and think to myself, WOW- they are so talented, what a great speaker, what an incredible athlete/singer/writer/dancer. I cannot fill in that blank for myself. What am I passionate about?- I'm not really sure.

Don't get me wrong- I know I am crafty, organized, and I do love being a wife/mother.

But, it was almost painful when I realized that what I tell myself probably more than anything is that I am not needed or necessary outside of wife and mother. I know deep down that that just cannot be true that I have no purpose outside of the obvious. So, I tried to try and think of where am I needed, where are my talents necessary, what am I so passionate about that it just oozes out of me, what desires drive me???? I could not come up with any answer to those questions.

Well, I am determined to grow beyond "this". I do know that God's Word and God's Plan for me does not include all of those words I listed above. As I made these disturbing realizations about myself, my first instinct was to close the book(s), shut off my thinking, and run. I was like, no wonder I am not successful- look at me- my thinking is so negative! It was just depressing realizing my thought process.

This is where I am beginning- but this is not the end. I am writing all of this to document this process, for myself- if it helps someone else, even better. To be honest, this was a very hard post for me- I am seconds from pressing delete- this is making me look just to transparent. Many of you may read this and be shocked by what I wrote- and that's fine- no need to write to tell me how backwards my thinking is (believe me, I know). Just pray for me and love me through this process- and you may need to be a little patient with me also, lol. Still standing on Jer. 29:11.

Talking to Myself...

I'm sitting at my computer rather late tonight listening to Tenly explain to me that I must dress her in a pattern: Dress, Skirt, Pants, Dress, Skirt. Because we are having this insane, but appreciated, cold front (45 degrees right now) in South Florida- her pattern is out the window and she has no tolerance of my explanation of why.

I've been doing various tasks today, most of them tying up loose ends of various phone calls and appointments. A few of the tasks on that list is due to the new Bible Study we are starting in our Mom's Group at CCC. Joanne and I are ironing out the wrinkles and getting excited about walking through a book by Jennifer Rothschild, "Me, Myself, & Lies: A Thought Closet Makeover" . While looking through various things, and talking to God about "stuff", I began to remember a couple of things that made me realize some of the reasons I was drawn to this study.

I remembered back to when Tenly was only a couple of months old, and I was a very new mom. I'm sure many will remember being somewhat emotional during the early months of "new" mommyhood. Tenly must have been between 6-8 weeks old, and while I was breastfeeding her I began to have a moment of very mixed emotions.

I found myself crying tears of joy over this beautiful miracle in my arms, then I was crying over how I looked (ya know-wearing sweats, no make up, hair in a frizzy pony, and my flabby tummy), then I was having anxiety! Anxiety over the way I was thinking about me. I had a daughter now, I had to be sure I raised her with confidence and a good self image- the exact opposite of how I felt about myself, and pretty much always had. I began to make a mental list over what/how I needed to do this: always tell her she's beautiful and smart, never say the words "fat" or "diet", never talk about how I truly perceived myself, only speak of being "healthy" not "thin", never judge others.... Obviously, that list could of been 10 pages long.

Although, I do agree with most of the things I listed- we all know it takes much more than words to teach, especially when our actions, attitude, and outlook speak so much more loudly. This took me back to many years prior.

Back in 1993ish, my self image started taking a nose dive. I had never liked the way I looked, but all of a sudden it became more important than ever and I became even more dissatisfied when I looked in the mirror. By the time 1995 came around I found myself doing everything I could to fit into my roommates Size 0 jeans- most days that meant I ate around 10 Ritz crackers and had a desert of excessive exercise. My image conscious boyfriend didn't help either. I'll never forget the day I dared to see how much farther I needed to go to fit into those 0's- I not only got them on, but they were baggy. I couldn't believe it, those jeans were skin tight on my roomie, if they were pretty baggy on me, did that mean I was smaller than her?? The scary part was, when I looked in the mirror I didn't see myself any smaller than when I began trying to get into those jeans- although I did proudly wore them to work the next day! All the people coming up to me telling me I was to thin, asking me if I was sick, asking how I did it never clued me in to my issue(s)- but the night I freaked out did.

I had been laying in bed trying to calculate how many calories I'd eaten that day- because I dared to eat a dry piece of toast and a cup of dry pasta- and I just knew I was not going to be able to fit into my skirt the next day. Before I knew it, I was digging through the trash can trying to find the pasta package, although I found it and it was only a whopping 210 calories- I was in panic mode and then found myself puking in the toilet.

Not to long after all of that, I became very aware of my issues. Getting "real" help was so crazy expensive that wasn't an option. After trying on my own and failing miserably, I cried out to God, when I finally stopped crying and yelling and whining, I started listening. I spoke to a friend who I trusted to speak into my life, she told me I needed to renew my mind(Rom. 12:2) - it wasn't a matter of just not thinking that way anymore, but it was a matter of replacing those thoughts with God's thoughts and my actions with positive Godly actions. It was almost to simple.

I dove into The Word of God fiercely, whenever I would begin to get overwhelmed I would begin quoting the Word or picking up my Bible and reading. I had a list of scriptures on "Who I Am In Christ", I quoted those scriptures religiously (no pun intended). It worked. There were times after, that I found myself struggling- each time I would eventually go back to the root- which is God's Word.

When I think of what I want for my daughters, first, I want them to have a close and intimate relationship with Jesus and knowing who they are in Him and through that impacting their generation. Second, is probably a positive, strong, beautiful self image and love for themselves. I do not want my girls, or any other girls, to go through anything close to what I did- and sometimes still do.

SO, I am thrilled to do this study and strengthen the words I say to myself. Did you know that people, on average, speak 150-300 words to themselves an hour? That is crazy!! It's made me very aware of the things I'm saying, and very aware that I need some major improvement! Over the next couple days, do a little evaluation of what you are saying to yourself- you may be surprised and then again, you may not.

Poor Me....

Well, we had a very nice Christmas- I love being surrounded by my family. Almost the whole family was there except for my sister, Tara, and her family (Happy 20th Anniversary to them today). In the midst of taking down decorations, I have found myself fighting to give a smile or an optimistic outlook. It hasn't really set in that 2012 is right around the bend, because I'm so focused on dreading the next few weeks.

Every time Lupe and I have had any type of discussion regarding having to move, I can feel my mood change (I'm sure he feels it too). The other day, I tried to figure out exactly what it is, specifically, that has me so worked up about it. I think I was able to find a little clarity, there are a couple of reasons. The fact that I despise change is probably at the core of all of them. I, or we, did not want to move until it was buying a home. I do not want Tenly to have to change schools (we are going to see if she will be granted permission to attend outside of our zoning- PRAY). Both of those reasons I think come from how much I moved as a child and I do not want my girls to have that same experience. I'm sure that, like me, my parents did not want to or like it- but sometimes "life happens".

These reasons are valid, and also very selfish. While I am focused on not being where I want to be, how I want to be there, when I want to be there, why I am not there, who/what is standing in my way- I must realize that I do have a home, Lupe does have a job, my children are healthy, and I trust a God who has not and never will forsake me. Do a have right to have little "poor me pity party" for a moment? Sure, but my moment has long past and in the words of Dr. Phil "...how's that workin' for ya..?" At this point it aint workin' for anybody...especially me!

Although, I do realize all of these things, I still find myself unable to embrace the thought of moving out of here (even though we don't know where we are going yet) on January 28. Not one box has even been attempted to be packed- well, except for the Christmas decorations. I think, deep down, I keep expecting this miracle phone call- not that it is impossible, but at this point I think it's time to embrace the boxes and wherever our new home will be.
Even as I type this, telling myself all the reasons to snap out of it, suck it up, put my big girl panties on and move on- I just can't seem to do it.
Standing on Jeremiah 29:11 again, and praying. Also asking all of you to pray, not only for the perfect home at the perfect $$$, but for my attitude and that I will have a peace- not only for myself, but for my family.

Reflections of A Year...

WOW- a YEAR! Monday, December 13th, marks 1 year since we left Texas...and what a journey it has been!

November '10- I remember getting the news that we had 2 weeks to be moved, it was both relief and panic, excitement and complete fear.
Thanksgiving 2010 was saying heart felt goodbyes to Lupe's brothers and family, it was very bittersweet.

Nov/Dec '10- a blur of boxes and mad packing...in an organized fashion, or course. Making arrangements....trying to focus on the details helped not to focus on the uncertainties, while at the same time magnifying them.

December- A few days before we left, Lupe scheduled a promising job interview at the time when we really needed an extra dose of hope.
Friday, December 10, was Lupe's last day of work at BMI.
Sat, Dec 11, we picked up the UHaul and trailer and reserved our storage unit in Katy.
Sun, Dec 12, was our last service at BWOC, ending a 15 year legacy. Where Lupe grew by leaps and bounds, where my relationship with God became "real", where Lupe and I began, where we started our family, where our daughters were born, where life long relationships were developed, where painful and joyous growing and learning took place. I remember driving up to the house after picking up my dad and having such anticipation mixed with the uncertainty ahead of us.
Mon, Dec. 13- As I drug myself out of bed after my 1 hour of sleep, there were people already showing up with breakfast and taking the day off work to help and send us off. As we drove down the camp road, watching our first home grow distant behind us and driving past my friends homes and the camp sign for the last time, I cried and cried remembering the memories and our beginnings.
Wed, Dec 15- The day after we arrived in Florida, staying with my parents, Lupe was immediately hired by a company which would have us relocating in Ft. Lauderdale- it was SO God!
January, we were in Ft. Lauderdale trying to find a home and a church, 2 big priorities. We found ourselves committed to Community Christian Church where God connected me to a Bible Study for Mom's that changed my life with incredible friends.

In February, after some very difficult circumstances, we were in our new apartment and FINALLY had our stuff here with us! Looking back, that was a very difficult time, but we made it! Gianna turned 3!
March, my purse, identity, and a ton of money was stolen while in Miami. That situation haunted us for months, but we made it.
April, we finally had all the money back and I also became a working mom. I really grew through that transition and overcame Mommy Guilt Syndrome.
Summer, Tenly started VPK preschool and turned 5, Gianna became my little "assistant" at work every day.August, Lupe hit a difficult time at his job and found himself looking for a new work. This is when I really saw that I was learning to trust God. I was also asked to serve in the Women's Ministry at church, felt myself needed and useful again. Tenly started Kindergarten.

September, the opportunity to serve and speak at a CCC event and lead a Bible Study, it was a pivotal moment for me.

October, Lupe had a great new job...a pay cut....but his happiness was a great price to pay. Opportunity to Trust a bit more, and it came easier.

November, Lupe started his new job and I lost my perfect job. Another opportunity to Trust my Daddy God. A major infection in my eye hit me really hard physically, emotionally, and spiritually...but I made it!

December....1 year later...and we made it! My girls are flourishing and happy, Gianna is so tender and sweet with a personality to match- she starts PreK next year. Tenly, my little Kindergartner, growing like a weed and I can't keep up with the clothes. Although, Tenly is having a few opportunities in school (being the youngest in her class, she may have to stay back...mommy guilt!)- God has blessed her with a teacher who is patient and dotes on her. She is so compassionate and loving. Lupe, he is as amazing as ever, I told his supervisor the other day that I think it is impossible for anyone not to like him. He gives selflessly to our girls and I daily, I am beyond blessed that he is mine. And, Me,  I am trying to continue to see every situation and circumstance in my life as an opportunity to grow, learn, and help others. I continue to learn to Trust and have Faith. I'm on the brink of something bigger than myself and am excited to see it come to fruition...

I know this is a long blog...but I wanted to take this anniversary to thank my God, my Family, my Friends for loving us, holding us, carrying us, praying for us, believing in us, encouraging us, walking with us through this situation. God is so good, believe me, if you doubt God's love and ability and faithfulness- the last year of my families life is absolute proof of it. Now, I am ready to embark on the second year full of more anticiaption and hope and less fear and uncertainty.....

I'm Growing...............

I wish that title was speaking of me finely going beyond 5 foot tall....but it's not!
This weekend was VERY special in our house, my beautiful daughter, Tenly, turned 5 big years old on Saturday. I must mention our first conversation that morning. First, if you know Tenly- you must picture her talking to me with her eyes very wide and speaking 'matter-of-factly'. When Tenly woke up she came into our bedroom and of course we welcomed her with enthusiastic "Happy Birthday's". I jumped her up on my bed and started telling her, "You're 5 years old, Tenly! You're so BIG, such a big girl!". All of a sudden, it was like I could see this light bulb going on in her head, her eyes widened and she looked right at me as she pulled up the pant legs of her jammies, and kicked her feet up. She looked down at her legs, back up at me and said, "MomMom, look at my legs- they're HUGE- I AM such a BIG girl. I'm 5 now, look at how big I am!". Cuteness at its best!
Anyway, now that I'm done showing off my kid....I'll write about how much I've grown up! I am a self proclaimed neat freak. At times, it has even "paralyzed" me. But, this weekend- I saw a change! As I've said before- we live in a pretty small apartment. It's perfect for the 4 us- but when you add 4 more people- totaling 8 people in our 1,100 sq. ft. 2 bedroom apartment- it gets tight. For Tenly's party, my parents came in for a few days and brought my nephew and niece, Emry and Maya with them. Where do you put guests in a 2 bedroom apartment? Well, on the living room floor on air mattresses- where else? Which means luggage, shoes, and "stuff" in every nook and cranny! This type of situation tends to bring on quite a bit of anxiety for me, and makes me very bad company. The fact that I was working some too, made it better- I didn't have to see it, and harder- I couldn't straighten and clean at every opportunity.

But, I decided before they even got here- I wanted to have fun, and more importantly I wanted them to have fun. The only way to tackle an issue is to admit it's an issue. So, I made up mind to let it go- straighten what I could only when necessary. I also chose not to get an attitude or freak out over "stuff"- if me going and straightening/cleaning was going to make someone else uncomfortable- then I'd just have to wait it out. Well, I succeeded (at least I think I did, my family may have a different view, lol)- a couple times I found myself talking to me saying, "It's not a big deal, it's really not.."- it worked! The girls were watching shows in my bed a couple of mornings- and I even left my bed unmade- and I was okay!

The party was so wonderful, we had it at "The Little Gym" where I work- Tenly completely beamed all day! Tenly's parties have often been challenging while at the ministry- because it was not during a convenient time, it was during summer. That created a lot of unnecessary stress for Lupe and I- although we always pulled off a great time! This Birthday, was not only stress-free, but Tenly's first party with family there to celebrate with her. Her Poppy, Grammy, Uncle Bubbo (Johnnie), Aunt Debbie, Emry, and Maya were all there- I think that was a high light of her day. We have made many wonderful friends from our church since moving, and so many of them celebrated with us and made it a spectacular day!
So, this past weekend- Tenly and her MomMom grew together!