First, I will give a little up date on our situation. We are narrowing down our options on moving. We've pretty much decided we are going to move into another apartment for now, one that fits better with our finances. We have a couple we are choosing between. Continue to pray with us about the school zoning, we are believing that Tenly will be granted permission to stay at her current school even if it's outside our zoning. No, I have not started packing yet- waiting until we sign on the dotted line and it's official. Anyway....
The last couple days, I have not been the best person to be around. When I am "challenged"- by circumstances, my children, my husband- I just seem to break. It has not made me the easiest person to be around, to be honest. My frustrations are valid, by why do they seem to just knock me over?
One reason, I think, is because of some things I've uncovered...and I don't like it! I have begun reading through the book, "Me, Myself, & Lies", and it forces you to take a hard look at yourself.
There are many questions, in this study, about what I think of myself and how I view myself. After over analyzing the questions (as I do so well) and thinking way to long about my answers- I was a little shocked by what I saw as I pulled back some layers.
Words, such as: useless, needless, unimportant, untalented, failure, unsuccessful. Now, I am not saying all of this for attention and reassurance. Many people throughout my life have reassured me of everything opposite of those words- but for some reason I don't see what they see. I am at a place of having to reshape my mind to see and think what God sees.
I am a good mom and a good wife, but when my impatience and frustrations overwhelm me (as of lately), I no longer see a good mom/wife- I see an impatient emotional woman that no one wants to be around, including me. In those moments, it's easiest to just shut down and sleep or clean so I don't have to face "me".
I really want to discover what I am good at, what am I here for? I know I'm here to be Lupe's wife, and a mother to Tenly and Gianna. But, do I have any purpose outside of that?
I was asked a couple of weeks ago if I wanted to finish my teaching degree, my answer was, no. I do want to go back to school and have my degree in ...something. I have no idea what! Really, I do not know. That is so frustrating to me, to have no idea what I want to do. Is my purpose to throw myself into being a great Godly wife and mother?
I see different people and think to myself, WOW- they are so talented, what a great speaker, what an incredible athlete/singer/writer/dancer. I cannot fill in that blank for myself. What am I passionate about?- I'm not really sure.
Don't get me wrong- I know I am crafty, organized, and I do love being a wife/mother.
But, it was almost painful when I realized that what I tell myself probably more than anything is that I am not needed or necessary outside of wife and mother. I know deep down that that just cannot be true that I have no purpose outside of the obvious. So, I tried to try and think of where am I needed, where are my talents necessary, what am I so passionate about that it just oozes out of me, what desires drive me???? I could not come up with any answer to those questions.
Well, I am determined to grow beyond "this". I do know that God's Word and God's Plan for me does not include all of those words I listed above. As I made these disturbing realizations about myself, my first instinct was to close the book(s), shut off my thinking, and run. I was like, no wonder I am not successful- look at me- my thinking is so negative! It was just depressing realizing my thought process.
This is where I am beginning- but this is not the end. I am writing all of this to document this process, for myself- if it helps someone else, even better. To be honest, this was a very hard post for me- I am seconds from pressing delete- this is making me look just to transparent. Many of you may read this and be shocked by what I wrote- and that's fine- no need to write to tell me how backwards my thinking is (believe me, I know). Just pray for me and love me through this process- and you may need to be a little patient with me also, lol. Still standing on Jer. 29:11.
Enjoy reading your blogs, Jenn. Thanks for being so honest :)
ReplyDeleteHi then Jenn. Just wanted to respond. I actually caught your blog a little while back and just saw it posted again--the idea of finding yourself.
ReplyDeleteTruthfully many moms feel just as you do. I did. I have been on journey for many years to remake myself. The good news about your discomfort is (hopefully) it is pushing you to seek answers. It means you really do want something more. It is that quest alone that will push you out from mere mediocrity.
I want to suggest you consider working with a life purpose coach. I am one but am not here to promote myself. Actually, I've been thinking of walking away from that part of what I do. Why? Because I have other things I'm doing but also because women are not willing to invest in themselves to discover who they are through coaching and my practice could not keep me busy enough, and secondly because just like you, for many women it is such a process that it is painful for me as a coach to watch some women struggle so. Also, some women think they find "it" only to realize it doesn't work out. Finding God's plan is complicated at times. The answers are rarely quick.
Still, I do recommend the 10 session process because I believe a woman does grow and mature and come through it a different person than when she went in. It's good for character development too. When working with a trained coach a woman has the support and challenge of another rather than just doing a book on her own as you are.
So it isn't just general life coaching I am suggesting for you but the particular "Life Purpose Coaching" process by a coach from Life Purpose Coaching Centers, International. The book used is "Conversations on Purpose", and two adjoining books are Pathway to Purpose for Women and Praying for Purpose. Coaching is usually done by weekly telephone calls. Or there is a full life plan that can be done in person with a coach.
So I leave you with these thoughts. You can search for and use a coach that best suits you. If you can't afford it, you can ask a coach for a reduced fee or ask the head office if they know someone who needs to do pro bono work. (The probono work is rarely for the full 10 sessions).
Let me know if I can answer any questions. I pray you will find the special thing(s) God wants you to do beyond mothering and wifing!