Perfection Will Never Happen and Being A Great Mom is Defined By You and Not By What Everyone Else Thinks..
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Peeling Back The Layers Is Straight Up Ugly!
First, I will give a little up date on our situation. We are narrowing down our options on moving. We've pretty much decided we are going to move into another apartment for now, one that fits better with our finances. We have a couple we are choosing between. Continue to pray with us about the school zoning, we are believing that Tenly will be granted permission to stay at her current school even if it's outside our zoning. No, I have not started packing yet- waiting until we sign on the dotted line and it's official. Anyway....
The last couple days, I have not been the best person to be around. When I am "challenged"- by circumstances, my children, my husband- I just seem to break. It has not made me the easiest person to be around, to be honest. My frustrations are valid, by why do they seem to just knock me over?
One reason, I think, is because of some things I've uncovered...and I don't like it! I have begun reading through the book, "Me, Myself, & Lies", and it forces you to take a hard look at yourself.
There are many questions, in this study, about what I think of myself and how I view myself. After over analyzing the questions (as I do so well) and thinking way to long about my answers- I was a little shocked by what I saw as I pulled back some layers.
Words, such as: useless, needless, unimportant, untalented, failure, unsuccessful. Now, I am not saying all of this for attention and reassurance. Many people throughout my life have reassured me of everything opposite of those words- but for some reason I don't see what they see. I am at a place of having to reshape my mind to see and think what God sees.
I am a good mom and a good wife, but when my impatience and frustrations overwhelm me (as of lately), I no longer see a good mom/wife- I see an impatient emotional woman that no one wants to be around, including me. In those moments, it's easiest to just shut down and sleep or clean so I don't have to face "me".
I really want to discover what I am good at, what am I here for? I know I'm here to be Lupe's wife, and a mother to Tenly and Gianna. But, do I have any purpose outside of that?
I was asked a couple of weeks ago if I wanted to finish my teaching degree, my answer was, no. I do want to go back to school and have my degree in ...something. I have no idea what! Really, I do not know. That is so frustrating to me, to have no idea what I want to do. Is my purpose to throw myself into being a great Godly wife and mother?
I see different people and think to myself, WOW- they are so talented, what a great speaker, what an incredible athlete/singer/writer/dancer. I cannot fill in that blank for myself. What am I passionate about?- I'm not really sure.
Don't get me wrong- I know I am crafty, organized, and I do love being a wife/mother.
But, it was almost painful when I realized that what I tell myself probably more than anything is that I am not needed or necessary outside of wife and mother. I know deep down that that just cannot be true that I have no purpose outside of the obvious. So, I tried to try and think of where am I needed, where are my talents necessary, what am I so passionate about that it just oozes out of me, what desires drive me???? I could not come up with any answer to those questions.
Well, I am determined to grow beyond "this". I do know that God's Word and God's Plan for me does not include all of those words I listed above. As I made these disturbing realizations about myself, my first instinct was to close the book(s), shut off my thinking, and run. I was like, no wonder I am not successful- look at me- my thinking is so negative! It was just depressing realizing my thought process.
This is where I am beginning- but this is not the end. I am writing all of this to document this process, for myself- if it helps someone else, even better. To be honest, this was a very hard post for me- I am seconds from pressing delete- this is making me look just to transparent. Many of you may read this and be shocked by what I wrote- and that's fine- no need to write to tell me how backwards my thinking is (believe me, I know). Just pray for me and love me through this process- and you may need to be a little patient with me also, lol. Still standing on Jer. 29:11.