Day1: Giving Up Control, A Little Bit...

Last week was a rough week for me, I explained it a little in my post "What Do You Expect?" We have just hit a stage that I am finding myself repeating every request to my girls 3-10 times! That has left me wondering what are they and/or ME doing wrong? Are my expectations that unreasonable or are my girls just going through one of those stages that 4 and 6 year olds go through?

I had a couple people tell me that they are finding themselves in the same place and just feel like bad Mom's- that brought me comfort to know I am not alone. My friend, Eva (who did a guest post awhile back), sent me a very encouraging message. She had been there several times with her 4 boys, and survived to tell the tale. Basically, she explained and encouraged me not to allow my expectations to crush their spirits. Then my friend Rachel (who also guest posted and is finding herself in my same situation lately), sent me this little post on Facebook: 

 How great is that quote? Kind of hit me in all the right places! My sister Tara recently posted on her blog  (Destiny Driven Diva) a similar post on "Taming The She-Ra Beast" that gave me some hope.
 So, I wish I was going to say that after all of the wonderful advice and "ah-ha" moments after my "What Do You Expect" post I reevaluated and completely changed my approach. Ya, well...FAIL, big time. Yes, especially yesterday. Between Tenly losing her glasses (it's hard for a control freak like myself to not be able to find something in my perfectly controlled world), the girls again not seeming to be listening to a single thing I said- I find myself losing it...again (hours after my Pastor preached a great Word on "Yielding" and "God's Presence"- who does that...ME). After my poor husband came home and pacified me with his presence and making me some of his incredible guacamole, I made a decision or lost my mind, not sure which yet.

Day 1- Middle of Day

Decision, I am giving up a huge amount of control to my 4 & 6 year olds. I am not going to make them clean up anything for 3 days. It is up to them what is and is not put away (since this is what majority of my repeating self seems to revolve around). I really may have lost my mind here, this decision goes against every organized/ordered fiber in my being. Oh ya, another big part of this, I cannot allow myself to get angry,anxious, or overwhelmed during the process or kind of deletes the purpose.
Purpose? Why am I doing something so...crazy? I think I know why, let me give a few reasons (which I choose to change, simply because I can and I am a woman). I am hoping that they will realize and appreciate how wonderful it is to live in a clutter mess free home vs. a messy chaotic one- of course I realize this is very likely to backfire on me (Jesus help me). Also, I want to discover my girls preferences when mine are not hoovering over their heads. Are they naturally orderly and organized, are they cluttery, or- God help me- are they messy (NOOOOOOOOOOOOO). I really don't know where their tendencies lie in this area because I require them to maintain things as I do. Finally, I am stretching myself. If I can extend enough to grace to accept and function with people unlike myself outside of my family, doesn't my family deserve that same grace? I need to draw a line for myself so that I do not (further) damage a relationship with my daughters because I have smothered, rather than nurtured, their gifts.

Day 1: Middle of Day

Does this mean that I will just shut the door and allow their areas to look like a bomb hit it? Uh, NO- you all know me better than that! But, I am hoping to be able to filter things to see some things as creative and unique instead of messy and chaos.
I will post to let you know of my progress and theirs. This is going to require so much prayer for me, really! I am looking forward to growing through this process and not going crazy. 
Here is a couple of pictures of their bedroom on Day 1, about 4 hours into my experiment. Not bad, huh? I'm still smiling.....

**For an update on how the "experiment" is going:
Day 2: Stressing My Kids

Forgiving "The Church"

Let me begin by saying, it has never been about The Church needing my forgiveness- but rather about me forgiving. This is not about 1 church in particular, but rather as a whole.
My family is coming up to an important anniversary (I will write about next week), reflecting back on this past year has caused me to reevaluate my heart and my attitude. I've realized I have forgiven "The Church"- this has been a long process......
I guess forgiving has come in stages for me..2 steps forward, 4 steps back at times. I remember when I started getting bitter and angry at "The Church", I was around 13-14 years old and was a "PK"- Preachers Kid.
It was a very hurtful time when all I really understood was that the actions of "The Church" were not what I had been taught. After that, I became jealous and angry at the time "The Church" took my parents away- sometimes justified and sometimes not. Then came a horrible situation that hurt my parents, and thus my whole family, so badly it seemed to take away my Fathers spirit for a long time and it was a long journey back for all of us.

It could be argued about who was right and who was wrong, but the only thing that matters is that people were hurt on all different levels- and I had to watch my parents struggle to recuperate for a very long time. It was during that time that I decided what kind of relationship God and I would have. I believe my initial statement was, "If THIS is Christianity, I do NOT want it.".
After awhile, my heart softened and I guess I forgave a bit and then decided, "Okay God, I will serve and love You- but I will never be in the ministry so You cannot ask or require that of me." I thought that was pretty reasonable, and it worked for quite sometime. I volunteered for things at the church, was a youth leader for awhile, and just served where I was comfortable.
THEN, God directed me to go to Texas Bible Institute, I clearly knew that was where I was suppose to be. It was during that time, I had some spiritual heart surgery. After awhile, I began to let God tear down the walls I had built up- it was then that I truly began to choose to forgive. My heart was lighter, and I was happier.

Many years went by, and I found myself engaged to the man of my dreams- it was almost comical that he was an ordained minister in full time ministry. Before we were engaged, we had conversations about our future, and we both knew that Lupe was not suppose to leave the ministry he was at yet- which meant I was going to be a ministers wife and in full time ministry. I have written before about some of my struggles throughout those years, some of my struggles came out of my past anger towards "The Church". Some of those struggles also came out of fear of what could be, and because those possibilities loomed in front of me, I made issues where I probably shouldn't have. I was just so determined not to let the past repeat itself with me and with my husband and children.
Once we left the ministry and moved to Florida, I found myself more calloused and angry than ever at "The Church". I had to finally draw boundaries, that may have unintentionally hurt others, but it was to help me and honestly protect them from being on the receiving end of my anger.

I say all of that to say this, I am beyond it. I love "The Church". Although, "The Church" has trampled and scarred my heart at times- it has also repaired my heart and carried me at others. I have had to realize, that as much as others have hurt me- I have also caused hurt and have been forgiven- how could I dare expect or take something I cannot give. I even feel ready to let others back in that I have pushed away, and except responsibility for the times I have not acted as God requires me. I mean, really, I will never have to forgive more than God has had to forgive me.
This has been a painful and tough road, but I'm so blessed and happy to be walking beyond the hurt others have caused me and the hurt I've caused others. Forgiving will not change the past, but it will enlarge my future.
 Visit Rediscovering Domesticity to see how others are dealing with "The Mess In My Heart".

I'm Growing...............

I wish that title was speaking of me finely going beyond 5 foot tall....but it's not!
This weekend was VERY special in our house, my beautiful daughter, Tenly, turned 5 big years old on Saturday. I must mention our first conversation that morning. First, if you know Tenly- you must picture her talking to me with her eyes very wide and speaking 'matter-of-factly'. When Tenly woke up she came into our bedroom and of course we welcomed her with enthusiastic "Happy Birthday's". I jumped her up on my bed and started telling her, "You're 5 years old, Tenly! You're so BIG, such a big girl!". All of a sudden, it was like I could see this light bulb going on in her head, her eyes widened and she looked right at me as she pulled up the pant legs of her jammies, and kicked her feet up. She looked down at her legs, back up at me and said, "MomMom, look at my legs- they're HUGE- I AM such a BIG girl. I'm 5 now, look at how big I am!". Cuteness at its best!
Anyway, now that I'm done showing off my kid....I'll write about how much I've grown up! I am a self proclaimed neat freak. At times, it has even "paralyzed" me. But, this weekend- I saw a change! As I've said before- we live in a pretty small apartment. It's perfect for the 4 us- but when you add 4 more people- totaling 8 people in our 1,100 sq. ft. 2 bedroom apartment- it gets tight. For Tenly's party, my parents came in for a few days and brought my nephew and niece, Emry and Maya with them. Where do you put guests in a 2 bedroom apartment? Well, on the living room floor on air mattresses- where else? Which means luggage, shoes, and "stuff" in every nook and cranny! This type of situation tends to bring on quite a bit of anxiety for me, and makes me very bad company. The fact that I was working some too, made it better- I didn't have to see it, and harder- I couldn't straighten and clean at every opportunity.

But, I decided before they even got here- I wanted to have fun, and more importantly I wanted them to have fun. The only way to tackle an issue is to admit it's an issue. So, I made up mind to let it go- straighten what I could only when necessary. I also chose not to get an attitude or freak out over "stuff"- if me going and straightening/cleaning was going to make someone else uncomfortable- then I'd just have to wait it out. Well, I succeeded (at least I think I did, my family may have a different view, lol)- a couple times I found myself talking to me saying, "It's not a big deal, it's really not.."- it worked! The girls were watching shows in my bed a couple of mornings- and I even left my bed unmade- and I was okay!

The party was so wonderful, we had it at "The Little Gym" where I work- Tenly completely beamed all day! Tenly's parties have often been challenging while at the ministry- because it was not during a convenient time, it was during summer. That created a lot of unnecessary stress for Lupe and I- although we always pulled off a great time! This Birthday, was not only stress-free, but Tenly's first party with family there to celebrate with her. Her Poppy, Grammy, Uncle Bubbo (Johnnie), Aunt Debbie, Emry, and Maya were all there- I think that was a high light of her day. We have made many wonderful friends from our church since moving, and so many of them celebrated with us and made it a spectacular day!
So, this past weekend- Tenly and her MomMom grew together!