Forgiving "The Church"

Let me begin by saying, it has never been about The Church needing my forgiveness- but rather about me forgiving. This is not about 1 church in particular, but rather as a whole.
My family is coming up to an important anniversary (I will write about next week), reflecting back on this past year has caused me to reevaluate my heart and my attitude. I've realized I have forgiven "The Church"- this has been a long process......
I guess forgiving has come in stages for me..2 steps forward, 4 steps back at times. I remember when I started getting bitter and angry at "The Church", I was around 13-14 years old and was a "PK"- Preachers Kid.
It was a very hurtful time when all I really understood was that the actions of "The Church" were not what I had been taught. After that, I became jealous and angry at the time "The Church" took my parents away- sometimes justified and sometimes not. Then came a horrible situation that hurt my parents, and thus my whole family, so badly it seemed to take away my Fathers spirit for a long time and it was a long journey back for all of us.

It could be argued about who was right and who was wrong, but the only thing that matters is that people were hurt on all different levels- and I had to watch my parents struggle to recuperate for a very long time. It was during that time that I decided what kind of relationship God and I would have. I believe my initial statement was, "If THIS is Christianity, I do NOT want it.".
After awhile, my heart softened and I guess I forgave a bit and then decided, "Okay God, I will serve and love You- but I will never be in the ministry so You cannot ask or require that of me." I thought that was pretty reasonable, and it worked for quite sometime. I volunteered for things at the church, was a youth leader for awhile, and just served where I was comfortable.
THEN, God directed me to go to Texas Bible Institute, I clearly knew that was where I was suppose to be. It was during that time, I had some spiritual heart surgery. After awhile, I began to let God tear down the walls I had built up- it was then that I truly began to choose to forgive. My heart was lighter, and I was happier.

Many years went by, and I found myself engaged to the man of my dreams- it was almost comical that he was an ordained minister in full time ministry. Before we were engaged, we had conversations about our future, and we both knew that Lupe was not suppose to leave the ministry he was at yet- which meant I was going to be a ministers wife and in full time ministry. I have written before about some of my struggles throughout those years, some of my struggles came out of my past anger towards "The Church". Some of those struggles also came out of fear of what could be, and because those possibilities loomed in front of me, I made issues where I probably shouldn't have. I was just so determined not to let the past repeat itself with me and with my husband and children.
Once we left the ministry and moved to Florida, I found myself more calloused and angry than ever at "The Church". I had to finally draw boundaries, that may have unintentionally hurt others, but it was to help me and honestly protect them from being on the receiving end of my anger.

I say all of that to say this, I am beyond it. I love "The Church". Although, "The Church" has trampled and scarred my heart at times- it has also repaired my heart and carried me at others. I have had to realize, that as much as others have hurt me- I have also caused hurt and have been forgiven- how could I dare expect or take something I cannot give. I even feel ready to let others back in that I have pushed away, and except responsibility for the times I have not acted as God requires me. I mean, really, I will never have to forgive more than God has had to forgive me.
This has been a painful and tough road, but I'm so blessed and happy to be walking beyond the hurt others have caused me and the hurt I've caused others. Forgiving will not change the past, but it will enlarge my future.
 Visit Rediscovering Domesticity to see how others are dealing with "The Mess In My Heart".