Saturday, November 26, 2011

This Responsibility Is NOT Fair....

This morning, I finally did it! I have been avoiding it for quite some time. Even though 6 months ago a room full of friends told me it was very important to do- I waited until today. I don't know why this has been so hard for me to do, part of me is so glad I finally did it- but most of me is just hurt and angry that I had to at all.
Today, I sat my girls down and explained to them why I have to take medicine and explained I had Diabetes (for anyone that does know, I am an insulin dependent Diabetic on an insulin pump). From the second we sat down I was holding back tears.
First, I asked them if they understood why I had to wear my medicine (insulin pump) all the time. They said no, and asked why all mommies do not have to wear medicine like me. That opened the door to explain I had Diabetes and only some mommies and daddies have that. I explained further what a pancreas is and how mine doesn't work right. At that point, I was doing pretty good- until....
As my girls stared at me wondering where we were going from there, I had to gain the strength of giving them the responsibility no child should have. I began to explain that sometimes my body gets "messed up" or "sick" and I may "fall asleep"- if they can't seem to wake me up they needed to call 9-1-1 and then call Daddy. Before our talk began, I had written down on a paper the numbers so I could hang them up in a special place.
Then it happened, I looked up and saw Tenly's lip quivering and tears. My heart fell and was crushed. I asked her what was wrong, she replied with tears running down her face, "Mommy, I don't want to do that- Please just don't get sick, don't fall asleep Mommy- I don't want to do that! I don't like it." I tried explaining certain parts again, to reassure her that it's only to help me...blah, blah, blah...what I really wanted to say is I KNOW, it's NOT fair, you should NOT have to hear or do this, it's NOT fair!
Tenly crawled up in my lap, laid her head on my shoulder and cried while I cried (I couldn't hold it in anymore) and told her how sorry I was. Gianna just wrapped her arms around both of us and told Tenly it was okay, she would be here with her and would always help. Strangely enough, that brought Tenly a lot of comfort- and created more tears for me.
We went together and hung up the paper in the pantry, and Tenly kept asking me to put it somewhere else because she doesn't like to see it. I convinced her to keep it there, and we all ate a snack.
Now, my "mood" is similar to what it was almost 16 years ago when I was labeled a Diabetic on insulin with a "dead" pancreas. I was beyond angry- I was straight up pissed off. My mom brought me my Bible in the hospital, I put it on the other side of the room and refused to read it for days. The only talking I did to God was more like yelling, accusations, and questioning His existence. After awhile, I let go of it..a honestly took me years and almost death, to truly let go of it all.
So, here I am...don't worry...I'm not going to allow myself to be controlled by circumstances again. I learned 12 years ago to trust when I don't understand and to let all of these opportunities in my life to be used in making me stronger and to help others.
I will never be okay with my little girls holding this responsibility, but I also realize that other parents have had to have conversations that held a much worse ending. My girls are fine, and I have to hold onto the fact that our little talk was necessary (whether I like it or not), it could change a circumstance(whether I like it or not), it will make them stronger (whether I like it or not), and they are/will be thankful for that talk one day (whether I like it or not).
I will stop typing now (and hopefully stop crying), I am going to pray and let go of hurt and anger so that it will never have the opportunity to take my heart or my life again........................

1 comment:

  1. I can identify with this story so much Jenn; thank you for sharing it. I (from the age of 3) and my Brother had the responsibility of looking out for our Mum as she had Epilepsy. This was tough, and I went through a time of resentment once I'd had my own children, as I realised then how young I had been to be 'given' that burden (our Dad left Mum when I was 3). I'm fine with it now though and I am proud of the 'good job' that my brother and I did (it bought us closer together). Be proud of your girls Jenn, they are your gift from your Father in Heaven xx God bless you all xx