Monday, June 6, 2011

Questioning Myself, AGAIN!

What was I thinking....? I can't even begin to tell how many times I said that to myself (and out loud) since yesterday! I posted this blog publicly- have I lost my mind!!!!????
I started this thing as an outlet for me to sort out all of my "junk"- it was totally for me. I allowed a few people to look, I figured if it helped (or entertained) someone as I sorted through it all- that was okay by me. I don't know when or how I decided to post it and let everyone look at it- I just hit the button.
At first, I felt such relief in doing it- it felt good not to let it matter how people did/did not judge me, what they did/did not think. It didn't matter if they rolled their eyes or laughed at me- the confidence I felt in 'not caring' felt so empowering....for about 5 minutes! Then I started to play out a million scenarios in my head (everything from people laughing at my writing skills- or lack thereof- or at me in general), and began to feel completely overwhelmed- What Was I THINKING!
THEN, I had to 'speak' to myself, and reevaluate me, my motives, my intentions, and my objectives.
- I had to remind myself- that people have a life and are not sitting around consumed by me and my blog- (what a revelation!). As much as many of us would like to sit back and think it's all about us at times- it's not.
- I also feel the need to state, that this is my perception of situations and circumstances that have brought me to where I am. There is definitely 2 sides to every situation and circumstance- and this is only mine.
- I also feel this is a God thing. As I've been writing, I feel myself gaining perspective, praying and embracing those who have hurt me, and I'm discovering the responsibility I've held at different times. God is written all over all of that.
- Through this process of blogging, I am learning and discovering things about myself which will bring about necessary changes that will better me. THAT is one of my main objectives- to learn and grow in a way that will help me deal with myself and make necessary changes so that I can be a more effective self, wife, mother, friend, and Child of God. You know how when you talk to a friend (that's a great listener), and all the questions you have you end up answering yourself as you talk? That's kind of what I'm doing here- or trying at least.
If someone can relate, or embrace me in the process- what an accomplishment. I do not intend on hurting, exposing, embarrassing anyone- I'm just trying to sort through all my junk- junk that I failed to deal with in the past- and find me again. So, it doesn't matter- it's not about anyone else- it's about me (in a good way this time). Although, I still have a bit of anxiety about it- I'm okay with 'selfishly' focusing on me and enjoying the process of becoming a better me.
This morning I have found myself focusing on Jeremiah 29:11 again- such hope!
There's a song, "I Was Made For This", it's a song/dance that was performed at my former Pastors church, The Cathedral, in Oklahoma. I feel like this song speaks of what I am trying to embrace. Knowing that God has a plan and I have a purpose, I know I was created for something bigger than myself. I can be consumed with what others think or say- I have to walk in the confidence that I was created for His Purpose and am worthy of His love.    

1 comment:

  1. Jenn, I love you and am enjoying your blog. Stay encouraged and know that you are loved!!! There are more people than you know standing behind you. Keep writing, keep expressing, keep smiling.

    Love, Christina