I started this thing as an outlet for me to sort out all of my "junk"- it was totally for me. I allowed a few people to look, I figured if it helped (or entertained) someone as I sorted through it all- that was okay by me. I don't know when or how I decided to post it and let everyone look at it- I just hit the button.
At first, I felt such relief in doing it- it felt good not to let it matter how people did/did not judge me, what they did/did not think. It didn't matter if they rolled their eyes or laughed at me- the confidence I felt in 'not caring' felt so empowering....for about 5 minutes! Then I started to play out a million scenarios in my head (everything from people laughing at my writing skills- or lack thereof- or at me in general), and began to feel completely overwhelmed- What Was I THINKING!
THEN, I had to 'speak' to myself, and reevaluate me, my motives, my intentions, and my objectives.
- I had to remind myself- that people have a life and are not sitting around consumed by me and my blog- (what a revelation!). As much as many of us would like to sit back and think it's all about us at times- it's not.
- I also feel this is a God thing. As I've been writing, I feel myself gaining perspective, praying and embracing those who have hurt me, and I'm discovering the responsibility I've held at different times. God is written all over all of that.
- Through this process of blogging, I am learning and discovering things about myself which will bring about necessary changes that will better me. THAT is one of my main objectives- to learn and grow in a way that will help me deal with myself and make necessary changes so that I can be a more effective self, wife, mother, friend, and Child of God. You know how when you talk to a friend (that's a great listener), and all the questions you have you end up answering yourself as you talk? That's kind of what I'm doing here- or trying at least.
If someone can relate, or embrace me in the process- what an accomplishment. I do not intend on hurting, exposing, embarrassing anyone- I'm just trying to sort through all my junk- junk that I failed to deal with in the past- and find me again. So, it doesn't matter- it's not about anyone else- it's about me (in a good way this time). Although, I still have a bit of anxiety about it- I'm okay with 'selfishly' focusing on me and enjoying the process of becoming a better me.
This morning I have found myself focusing on Jeremiah 29:11 again- such hope!
There's a song, "I Was Made For This", it's a song/dance that was performed at my former Pastors church, The Cathedral, in Oklahoma. I feel like this song speaks of what I am trying to embrace. Knowing that God has a plan and I have a purpose, I know I was created for something bigger than myself. I can be consumed with what others think or say- I have to walk in the confidence that I was created for His Purpose and am worthy of His love.