Saturday, August 27, 2011

My Problem Is, I'm Trying SO Hard

"GOD, I am trying SOOO Hard!"- I can't even count how many times that has come out of my mouth over the past week.
The frustrating part of it is this: I've been here before, and I shouldn't be here again. I thank God He is patient and tolerent, or else He would of left a long time ago with this girl.
I vividly remember years ago when I was going through a challenging time and said those exact words to God. In that moment, I heard God's voice very clearly say, "..and thats your problem..". Of course I was like, WHAT? God, so patiently explained to me that so often, we create more problems and stress for ourselves because WE keep trying instead of letting go and letting God do it. Sounds so simple, and really it is- but can also be the hardest thing to do. Honestly, this situation is bigger than me- but we can only do our part and have to let God do His part.
So, I've been here before- and more than once- so WHY am I here again!?!? Maybe much of it is my control issues, no big secret that I have those!
With Lupe looking for a new job making what he is now is creating some stress and bringing up this challenging area for me to let go and trust God. It didn't help that yesterday when I took Tenly to the doctor, we discovered she is having a very difficult time seeing out of one of her eyes. To top it all off, there are several members of my family going through some very difficult things right now. My prayer life is definitely increasing, I find myself frequently saying, "Jesus" many times during the day when my mind starts going into overdrive and overwhelms me. Something about the Name of Jesus truly brings peace.
This morning though, I didn't do so well. When Lupe got out of bed at 6, it woke me up and I couldn't go back to sleep (and I desperately wanted to!). So, what happens in those moments? I started thinking, overanalyzing, calculating, imagination overload, etc..! Well, after a few minutes- I realized what I was allowing to happen and started to pray. About 10 minutes later, my imagination kicked into overdrive again, and I was crying- total anxiety attack.
I wont lie- it's a daily struggle between reality/the facts and faith/trust. But, I sit back and think- if I didn't have God, what would I have? What would I do? Who would I go to? I realized, that although I do struggle with turning it all over to God and totally trusting Him- I do trust Him and allow Him to hold my hand. I find myself saying so many times, "God, I need you to help me and guide me in and through this. I trust You to take care of it." If I had no relationship with God, I would have noone to even say that to. I've tried giving myself some slack, because I hear myself saying these things and talking to Him and realize I am trying- not always succeeding- but trying. It's hard to imagine us being in this situation without God, how do people do it without Him? I just can't imagine putting my trust, faith, and hope in anything but God.
Needless to say, I finally regained my composure this morning after my pitty party and panic attack. Realisticly, our situation does not good- but who wants to put all of their energy into that- I'd rather more successfully put into prayer and faith. My S.I.L., Debbie had this quote on Facebook this morning,
"Rejoice in our suffering, suffering produces perseverance, perseverance produces character, and character produces hope.".
I don't know if I can "rejoice" this (these) situations- but I can appreciate all the things I'm learning and what "the other side" will bring.
(I hope this post doesn't sound like a bunch of rambling- to be honest- this post was pretty much me talking to myself.)

Proverbs 3:5 says, 
“Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.”

1 comment:

  1. Jenn:
    Thanks for sharing. I am praying for you and your family-- especially your husband's job situation. Thanks for this post though.. i really encouraged me also in somethings I have been allowing myself to worry about. isited you from Ann's blog.. and am glad i did.. love your blog