Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Did I Just Say That?

Last night a funny thing happened. You know, one of those open mouth, insert foot moments. But, it's a bit comical (well, I think it was- we'll see how it comes across written) and was probably a very good "uh-oh".
I was feeling a bit strange last night. I was a bit tired, a little cranky- and was thinking my sugar levels were high (especially the way I ate throughout the day). I was needing to fold laundry, but decided to ignore it (I know- BIG shocker) and laid down. My back has been bothering me, so Lupe offered to go heat me up a hot pad to put on it. When he came back, he noticed I was acting a bit strangely, he quickly recognized the symptoms of a low blood sugar. As he reached to get my glucometer to my blood sugar, he asked if I was okay? All of a sudden I hear myself bust out in tears, and blurt out "I AM SO SCARED", as I continued to sob. I remember him saying, "..I know..", but that's all I remember of his reaction.
As my sugar levels started to go up, I started remembering, and then felt this blanket of guilt weigh on me. I kept trying to remember the look on Lupe's face- but can't, tried to remember how long I cried, and praying I didn't say anything else. Then I remembered him coming back to check my sugar to make sure it was up, he squeezed my arm, and said softly, "It's okay to be scared".
Let me back up and say that ever since Lupe gave his notice at work, I have been fluctuating between faith and fear. I would love to say that I have this iron back of steal that stands on Faith unwavering.....but I'm human and so far from perfect that I can't say that. When anxiety and fear do try to take over- I start talking to myself and declaring what God says and His promises to Lupe and I, Tenly, and Gianna.
Because I know Lupe is carrying much of what I am, and is also carrying the fact that he is the provider for our family- I have tried (unsuccessfully, I'm sure) to hide when I begin to be overwhelmed with reality. Knowing Lupe, I know he does the same for me. We all know, this is not a healthy thing to do- to suppress feelings- especially ones so overwhelming. I mean, our situation is not the best- the facts stacked against us in reality are not the best considering our finances. It's a lot for me to carry, and even more for Lupe to carry- BUT God.
So, my blood sugar dropping caused my "guard" to fall and my overwhelmed heart was exposed for a short period of time. As badly as I felt for allowing Lupe to see my fear, and give him one more thing to carry, it wasn't all bad. This is where I (we) are, and I am growing once again in my faith and prayer life. I am determined to let God carry this one- because I can't- it's to big and I am  not even close to able. I am so Thankful, He is!
(This is a nice story of a low blood sugar! I, and many others, have some hysterical stories of my "guard" falling. Those stories will wait for another time, another post....maybe!)

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