Failure

I have let that word control me way to much, "Failure".

Of course, being me, I analyzed it (many times) trying to figure out why I am controlled by a fear of failing. I believe I discovered one of the main reasons it is so hard for me take a chance.

Now, I have always been eager to please, always searching for approval, when you add a situation is viewed as a "fail"- the result is quite a handicap.

Back in 1992 is what I have allowed to haunt and control me. I was in my Junior year of High School, and I had worked very hard that year to pull my GPA up (I had been a lazy student prior). The second part of my Junior year became difficult- at home and church. I pretty much sunk into a depression because of some very difficult situations my whole family- especially my parents, were facing. I have always taken it upon myself to protect my parents, it's kind of comical that I've done that. So, as I watched my parents crushed and crying on every turn- I took it very personally and allowed myself to carry it. Then, after a visit to the dentist, I had an allergic reaction to Demerol. They could not wake me up, after I finally did- I passed out and went into a seizure. They would not allow me back at school without a clearance from the doctor.

Well, these things combined caused me to miss to many days of school (14 days)- which we had to appeal- and were denied (which meant I had to repeat the 11th grade). I remember reading that letter, I sat down and just cried- and then I gave up. It was like I didn't have any more fight left in me- and my parents didn't either. I was so angry, my grades may not have always been the best- but they were that year, and I had never even had a detention or anything. I told my parents I wanted to drop out and get my GED. After many discussions, they agreed- I was pretty adamant and I don't think my parents had it in them to "combat" me.

The hardest part then was, I was terrified to get my GED- what if I didn't pass? I was a pretty good student, but I had to work very hard for my grades- and me and math absolutely did NOT get along. It took me 3 years to finally take that test- which I did pass.

I was 20 years old before I finally got my drivers license. I drove without a license all of that time. Why? I just new I would not pass and could not face that. One day, my friend Jimmy came into my office at work and told me that the following week I was going to take my driving test in his car so we better start practicing. Well, we did and I walked away with my license that day. I was honestly shocked that I passed the test- I really was!

There are so many times that I want to offer advice or give an idea, but am paralyzed that people will think I am stupid. Sometimes I take the chance, but mostly I feel, "..why bother, they aren't going to think it's any good?" I know I am talented in certain area's, but what if I am the only one who thinks so, while everyone else out there feels bad "for the girl who thinks she has talent, but really doesn't".

I became very sick many years ago, as I finally began to recover I took it as the perfect opportunity to go to college- something else I had so desperately wanted but was very fearful of. I really enjoyed it, except for being reminded of how bad I was at math/science, I mean bad- really bad! I finally went to my academic advisor (forever indebted to Dr. Matousik) who personally tutored me. About 3 sessions in, he looked at me and said, "Jenn, you are not stupid, you have a learning disability." He continued to ask if I ever had been tested/diagnosed- I hadn't. It brought me some comfort to have him say this to me, but I also became overwhelmed by the fact that I was again failing.

Opportunity, that is what I often tell others that failure is, an opportunity to learn and do better. Funny that I fail to follow my own advice. I envy the people I know/see, who plunge ahead with the thought to succeed instead of the idea of failing. Not that they are not aware of the risks, but they are not controlled by them, it's worth chancing failure because they are also chancing success- and even if they fail they can value the experience and the education.

About 2 weeks ago, God gave me a great idea. I was so excited about it. But, then I realized that it was going to be like every other "great idea" I've ever had- just an idea. There are many times I have thought of something I'd like to try/do- but then as I weigh it out thinking of the details- I become overwhelmed with the thought that I will just fail- so why try!? In a way, not trying is failure without the option of success.

I began to wonder if I was going to continue following my trend, or if I was going to begin to at least try. It's a big idea- and I'm still trying to figure out the logistics of how to accomplish it. The fact that I am subjecting myself to executives who may look at me and tell me it is not a good idea is overwhelming. BUT, what if after a few "No's" is a "Yes"- who knows, maybe I will get an immediate "Yes".

So, here I am, putting myself out there, subjecting myself to not just failure- but success. It's going to take some work and determination and time- but I am going to try. Many friends will probably get some phone calls from me for advice, help, and encouragement, so this is your warning. I am taking a chance, and am hoping to rediscover many strengths that I have lost along my way.