Day1: Giving Up Control, A Little Bit...

Last week was a rough week for me, I explained it a little in my post "What Do You Expect?" We have just hit a stage that I am finding myself repeating every request to my girls 3-10 times! That has left me wondering what are they and/or ME doing wrong? Are my expectations that unreasonable or are my girls just going through one of those stages that 4 and 6 year olds go through?

I had a couple people tell me that they are finding themselves in the same place and just feel like bad Mom's- that brought me comfort to know I am not alone. My friend, Eva (who did a guest post awhile back), sent me a very encouraging message. She had been there several times with her 4 boys, and survived to tell the tale. Basically, she explained and encouraged me not to allow my expectations to crush their spirits. Then my friend Rachel (who also guest posted and is finding herself in my same situation lately), sent me this little post on Facebook: 

 How great is that quote? Kind of hit me in all the right places! My sister Tara recently posted on her blog  (Destiny Driven Diva) a similar post on "Taming The She-Ra Beast" that gave me some hope.
 So, I wish I was going to say that after all of the wonderful advice and "ah-ha" moments after my "What Do You Expect" post I reevaluated and completely changed my approach. Ya, well...FAIL, big time. Yes, especially yesterday. Between Tenly losing her glasses (it's hard for a control freak like myself to not be able to find something in my perfectly controlled world), the girls again not seeming to be listening to a single thing I said- I find myself losing it...again (hours after my Pastor preached a great Word on "Yielding" and "God's Presence"- who does that...ME). After my poor husband came home and pacified me with his presence and making me some of his incredible guacamole, I made a decision or lost my mind, not sure which yet.

Day 1- Middle of Day

Decision, I am giving up a huge amount of control to my 4 & 6 year olds. I am not going to make them clean up anything for 3 days. It is up to them what is and is not put away (since this is what majority of my repeating self seems to revolve around). I really may have lost my mind here, this decision goes against every organized/ordered fiber in my being. Oh ya, another big part of this, I cannot allow myself to get angry,anxious, or overwhelmed during the process or kind of deletes the purpose.
Purpose? Why am I doing something so...crazy? I think I know why, let me give a few reasons (which I choose to change, simply because I can and I am a woman). I am hoping that they will realize and appreciate how wonderful it is to live in a clutter mess free home vs. a messy chaotic one- of course I realize this is very likely to backfire on me (Jesus help me). Also, I want to discover my girls preferences when mine are not hoovering over their heads. Are they naturally orderly and organized, are they cluttery, or- God help me- are they messy (NOOOOOOOOOOOOO). I really don't know where their tendencies lie in this area because I require them to maintain things as I do. Finally, I am stretching myself. If I can extend enough to grace to accept and function with people unlike myself outside of my family, doesn't my family deserve that same grace? I need to draw a line for myself so that I do not (further) damage a relationship with my daughters because I have smothered, rather than nurtured, their gifts.

Day 1: Middle of Day

Does this mean that I will just shut the door and allow their areas to look like a bomb hit it? Uh, NO- you all know me better than that! But, I am hoping to be able to filter things to see some things as creative and unique instead of messy and chaos.
I will post to let you know of my progress and theirs. This is going to require so much prayer for me, really! I am looking forward to growing through this process and not going crazy. 
Here is a couple of pictures of their bedroom on Day 1, about 4 hours into my experiment. Not bad, huh? I'm still smiling.....

**For an update on how the "experiment" is going:
Day 2: Stressing My Kids

A Little Time, Please!

Do you remember your "Pre-Mom" days? I will have to admit, it really is difficult to readily remember doing much of anything without the list of things that go along with having 2 little girls.
Church is probably the most obvious that comes to mind. When it was Lupe and I, we would wake up to lounge around the house for a bit having coffee and breakfast, watch the news, have some devo time, and then hit the showers and take our time getting dressed (we are morning people, can you tell?). Then baby #1 came. Saturday night, I would pack the diaper bag and lay out clothes. Sunday morning, I would wake up 2 hours before Tenly to make sure I was completely ready when she woke. Tenly would wake up, I would get her out of bed, change her diaper, feed her breakfast, let her relax a bit, change the diaper again, get her dressed, fix her hair, grab the diaper bag, and out the door we went. Of course, there were usually 3 or so runs back into the house before we were out of the driveway to get on our 45 minute drive to church. As baby #2 came along, well- just double everything you just read above and you pretty much have our morning.
But, that was the equation when going anywhere when the kids were under 2 years old. It may not be impossible for everyone, but it was near impossible for me to decide to do something and be out the door in under an hour without losing a bit of sanity (and if I am not presentable, make that 2 hours). Now that my girls are a bit older, 4 & 6, it is getting easier, but still not "full-proof".
You may be wondering where I'm headed.....it is a bit of an irritating topic for me. But, I am hoping that some people who are beyond the "kids stage" or those who have no little ones- may be able to learn/remember something here.

As Mom's of young ones, it's not that we do not want to be spontaneous, stay out late, or run out the door as soon a friend calls with an invite. Everything shifts in the world when you become a Mom, we are not allowed to be "selfish" anymore. We are required to think about our itty bitty little people first- and we are usually okay with that. But, am I the only one who feels guilty some times saying "No.." or "I just can't.." and whatever the situation or explanation may be, you just don't feel like it's good enough? For example:
- Don't you love when you get those last minute invites to head out to do something in the next 15-20 minutes as if it would even be close to a possibility because your child is napping, it will drastically mess up the schedule or the kids are just straight up crabby?
- I cringe with a bit of jealousy when people tell me of a fun spontaneous trip or outing they went on. If the kids are in the plan= double the packing and planning, if the kids are not in the plan= less packing and planing but a lot of prayer (and money) goes into finding a trustworthy babysitter at the last minute.
- You receive a phone call about a wonderful event that your friend gets you so excited about that is followed by, "Oh, but you can't bring the kids.."

- A friend rolls their eyes when you explain that you cannot do something because a.) your child is sick b.) you cannot get a sitter c.) you have just experienced a sleepless night with your child d.) you have been so busy that you feel your kids need you (and you need your kids) more than a night out.
How about when all of that stuff just stops happening? No more spontaneous invites, events, or activities because they don't want to hear an excuse, reason you may not be able to do it or all of the things you must check on before you commit.
One Thanksgiving, our family went to San Antonio to be with Lupe's family. At the last minute we decided to get a hotel room and stay the night to hit the sales early in the morning (we lived in a very small town). No clothes, make up, or toiletries- just the diaper bag and the normal essentials you take with you on a 1 1/2 hour road trip that involved a 10 month old and 2 year old. After a Wal-Mart run, we managed quite nicely with my sanity still in tact. BUT, that is not something that I could handle more than once a year or so.
We can still do a lot of things that fall into the categories mentioned above- but it is still not the same and requires more work/thought/stuff. I have tried to explain this at times, but I get the "uh-huh" deep sigh rolling eyes brush off- they say they get it, but they really don't...YET.
One more thing, our "fun" is different- it used to be wrapped up in outings and friends- that does still bring a smile- but fun is now in Hungry, Hungry Hippos, laughing at/with our kids, our kids discoveries and so much more. I guess I am just trying to say, help us Mom's out- we so badly need/want/desire FUN events and activities- but we are so much more fun to be with when we are not frazzled by last minute or concerned about our most precious kiddos. Oh ya, pacify us by at least pretending you appreciate all of our stories and pictures, too. Just sayin' for what it's worth.....

What Do You Expect?

Seriously! What do you expect, what are your expectations for you children? I am struggling with this, big time!
Yelling. I am not much of a yeller and don't like it- not to say I do not yell at times. I really do not think it produces much of anything except a sore throat and your kids either shrinking back in fear and/or covering their ears. This should of been my first clue that something wasn't going right, I began to yell more than I ever have. My girls, like me, do not like it when I yell and even ask me not to. Of course, I try to justify it with, "WELL, if you would do what I ask the first time I ask, I wouldn't have TO YELL!!!!", I think we could call this broken record syndrome. Would it still be yelling if I spoke softly in a bullhorn? Anyway...

After several days of increased yelling because after asking my kids the 5th or 6th time to do something and it still wasn't done and/or one small task seemed to take a whole hour instead of 15 minutes- I started trying to figure out what had changed. I thought of everything to do with it being their fault, my fault and both. Then, I thought  it made me cringe a bit, were my expectations to high, unrealistic, unreasonable? I mean it's no secret that Grace doesn't flow as easily from me as it has been given to me.
Once that thought entered my mind, that I had unrealistic unreasonable expectations, it wouldn't leave me alone. I think it was because if this was the case, my expectations being to high, it went way beyond this one situation- it made me question my parenting as a whole. 
Later that evening I asked my husband his thoughts on the expectations I had on our girls. Lupe's response was that although my expectations were high, they were not unreasonable- BUT, he did think I am to hard on them at times. As hard as criticisms such as this are hard to digest, I love that he was able to be honest with me and I was willing to listen. 
After Lupe and I talked, I started trying to figure out how to remedy the situation and keep my sanity all at the same time. The situation that has me beating my head against the wall lately, is their lacking of listening and following through. Lately, I feel as if I am repeating myself way to much to know avail. Do I figure out a discipline strategy when I have to repeat myself more than once? Then I started thinking I needed to approach it from a positive direction and reward them when they follow through without needing to be reminded. Do I ride it out and wait to just get beyond "this stage"? Am I over-thinking/over-analyzing...again!? Maybe my expectations are just fine and my girls need a good......"lesson" in listening. Lupe's suggestion (after he tired of hearing all of my "solutions") was for me to sleep on it and see if the "fog" lifted in the morning.

What is reasonable and what is unreasonable?? Is it different with every child/parent? Is there a standard?

The last thing I want to do is to raise my girls fearful, defeated,  and feeling like they will never measure up. Deep down, I feel like my expectation (in general) is not to be the best and master everything- rather, I want to know that they have always tried their best and given 100%. Even if they "fail", as long as they did their best, I'm good with that.
I would love to now begin writing what I had learned and decided to do. But, I really don't know. Lupe was right, I am to hard on my girls and I am stingy with grace- I am trying to work on this. The situation with them not listening- I am going to try to communicate my a little better and give a clear warning before implementing discipline- all without yelling (this is my commitment to them). As far as my expectations- I truly don't know. I wish someone could give me a clear "Steps A,B,C, D" answer that would produce a wonderful result- I do realize that it is impossible- but wouldn't that be great!! 
What do you expect? What should I expect? How much is okay, how much is to much?
I guess I am going to expect from myself what I expect of my girls: I am going to try my best and give 100%. Even if I "fail" (and I will), hopefully they will be good with knowing I did my absolute best..................


After this post I decided to do a little "experiment" with my children in hopes of us all learning some lessons. Here are the posts that followed- and just so you know, I came close but did NOT lose my sanity!
Day 1: Giving Up Control, A Little Bit
Day 2: Stressing My Kids
Day 3: Was This A Good Idea?
Day 4: Time For The Mess To GO!

Jenn: Failing Mommy Perfectionist

I have been asked, and I guess it's time! I am posting my answers to all of my pestering Mom questions. It has been so fun to find out all of the new perspectives from other Mom's, but I have had several ask me where my answers are! There are a few more to come (I am still editing, ugh!), but I figured why not go ahead and put mine out there! My short Bio is included at the top for anyone out there that reads this that does not know me.

My name is Jenn Garcia, my husband Lupe and I have been married 7 years. My daughters, Tenly (6) and Gianna (4), have given me the best title ever, “Mom”. I am originally from Florida, but moved to Texas after marrying the man of my dreams. After 5 years in Texas, we knew God was moving us to Florida for a new journey and of course we loved that we would be closer to my family.

I am a “Domestic Manager”, better known as “Stay at Home Mom”. I love discovering new things and organizing- I put the 2 together and am now writing 2 Blogs: “Jenn: Mom’s[NOT] Like Us” (this blog)- a Blog for and about Moms, and “Hot Momma’s of Broward County”- a resource guide for everything “Mom” in Hot South Florida.

In my spare time (HA!), I enjoy being involved with my church, my girl’s schools, reading, cleaning, crafting and cooking- in other words, being the Best Wife, Mom and Child of God.....and an occasional cup of coffee with my friends at Starbucks doesn't hurt.

On your parenting journey, what was the most difficult part requiring a ton of patience?

Potty Training. I think I did a pretty good job, my girls were both potty trained at 2 years old, and I did it in about a week. But that was a week that completely revolved pee, poop, towels, laundry, scrubbing carpets, mopping floors- but we made it!

Are you a Scheduled or Non-Scheduled Mom? What are the benefits and downfalls to your choice?

When my girls were young, I was a very scheduled Mom- my babysitters were given a minute-by-minute detailed scheduled- seriously. As my girls were older, I think we have more of a plan of action. There are certain things that we have to accomplish, of course our meal and bed times are always at the same times.

I am a strong believer that children need, require, and benefit of predictability. They, like us, need to know what to expect and what is coming. It worked for me also, I was able to plan my day knowing when the kids to be hungry or tired. The downfalls of a wonderful schedule, is when you MUST go off of it- and believe me we did. I remember one of the first times I really experienced this. When Tenly was right at 2 and Gia about 5 months, we planned a trip to the zoo in Houston. We decided to stay at a hotel the night before. My girls never liked sleeping anywhere but in there own beds, so it did not go so well. Tenly finally fell asleep around 2am!

What is your biggest Mommy Pet-Peeve?
I have quite a few, but one of the biggest is probably lack of “follow through”. Parents must say what they mean and mean what they say, the first time, or else your word means nothing. It makes me crazy when parents can’t figure out why there kids aren’t listening to them, but you hear them constantly not following through with what they say- the kids are just doing what they have been trained to do.
Your funniest/most embarrassing “Mom/Child’ moment?
My funniest moment was probably when I was out bra shopping with Tenly. It was funny enough that I wrote a post in my blog about it, “Bra Shopping With My 5 yearold-Uncensored” .

My “girls” are not the easiest to fit, so it was taking my awhile to find a size 34DDD that was priced reasonably. My daughter Tenly kept saying extremely loud, “No, NO, NOO..” to all of the ugly fuller size bra’s. She was very frustrated that we could not find the pretty ones in my size. She loudly tells me (while the store is packed with people)” Mommy, none of these BOOBIES fit you, you are just to big for all of these BOOBIES and you must only get beautiful BOOBIES, not these!” Luckily, all of the other shoppers were very understanding and appreciative for the entertainment.

Given the opportunity, what- if anything- would you do differently as a Mom?
Sometimes I think my expectations are too high with my girls. I have honestly tried to let messes “go”- and just can’t. I’m okay with them making a mess while playing, but it must be cleaned up by day’s end- I just can’t seem to wait until the following day. But, I’m like that with everything in my house, not just my kids.

Do you have a secret “Mommy Confession”- something that you did/do that you are willing to share?

This summer, I have begun babysitting a friend’s baby during the week. Therefore, we aren’t out and about quite as much. If we are staying home, and not really doing much outside- I let my girls stay in their jimmies all day if they want. Sometimes it bothers me, but I have just let it go!

Did the way you were parented shape that way that you parent your own children?

YES! My parents were wonderful examples on parenting. I am one of 4 children, my Mom stayed at home with us until we were older and my Dad is a Pastor. The one thing I remember was “the look”, my parents mastered “the look”. We began doing something inappropriate and their eyes would grow big, as their eyebrows shot up crinkling their foreheads and their lips pressed together firmly as they pulled down their chin- that was all it took to let us know if we continued our behavior a consequence was coming. My parents did not ask for respect but demanded it and would settle for nothing less. Sometimes I see things other kids do, and think to myself that when I was young- I didn’t even entertain ideas of doing things like that- my parents would of kicked our hind ends to China and back! But, my parents also had our backs and would fight for us- I remember that well.

I do have the same expectations for my children and also want to be sure that they also know that I will always fight for them.

What are your “non-negotiables” when it comes to your kids?
I will not negotiate on Respect and maintaining their “space” or taking care of their things. Disrespect to anyone is just not okay. I also do expect them to take care of their things and bedroom. Although I do think I go overboard on it, I think they need to be able to appreciate the “extras” they have in life. There are many who do not have the means to have toys, movies, bikes, puzzles, etc, so they need to be able to understand that having things is a privilege and they should not be allowed to take it for granted by not maintaining their “stuff”.

Another is eating at least one bite of everything on their plates.

What was your biggest fear when you found out you were going to be a Mom?
I deal with fear a lot, and most of it revolves around Type 1 Diabetes. I was very fearful of not being able to have children because that’s what doctors had told me.

Once I became pregnant, I was fearful of carrying the baby full term (sometimes research harms more than helps). I had 2 very difficult pregnancies, I was sick for 9 months straight and in and out of the hospital throughout both pregnancies- that caused a lot of fear, that turned into me increasing my faith.

I did/do deal with fear of them becoming a diabetic, because if they do it’s pretty much my fault. Another fear is of myself having a low blood sugar while the girls are with me and them having to handle it. I wrote about the time I finally had to have a discussion with them about what they had to do if I ever slipped into a Diabetic Coma, “This Responsibility Is NOT Fair”. I absolutely hated having that discussion with them, my oldest was very overwhelmed imagining the possibility and it just made me angry to give them that responsibility.

It’s something I still have difficulty thinking about; it makes me very angry that I even had to have that conversation.

One thing that you do for your kids- because you love them- but you absolutely dread it every time!?

MESSES! I already talked about that above, I hate a mess- but allow it to happen because I love my kids.

What is something you said you would NEVER do with/to your children that you have found yourself doing?
TV. I hate that my kids watch TV, Tenly never really watched it until she was 2. Gianna has always been around it because Tenly began watching it when she was a baby. I put limitations on it, but sometimes wish I could just get rid of it (although, I do enjoy it myself).

Your biggest Mommy “Aha” moment?
I quickly realized after bringing Tenly home from the hospital, that it was all about her and not even close to being about Lupe and I any more. It became very apparent how much the world revolved around all of my needs before having a baby, and now the entire universe seemed to revolve around a 6-pound baby girl. I t was a HUGE Aha moment.
Do you remember your first thought as you held/saw your child(ren) for the first time?

With Tenly the first thing I said was, “Is she out?” after they said yes I laid back and said, “Thank You Jesus”. I had been so sick and was just drained of everything. She was taken immediately to the NICU, and the rest of the day all I could think about is I couldn’t remember what she looked like and was begging them to let me see her.

With Gianna, I remember thinking, “She’s healthy!” I was so excited that she was coming straight to me and did not have to be in the NICU.

Do you ever deal with “Mommy Guilt”? Why?

I deal with “Mommy Guilt” way too much! I am always overanalyzing if every move/decision I make is going to have a positive impact on my girls. I am working on this one…

Did you Breastfeed? Did you feel pressured to or not to?

I originally was not going to breastfeed, mainly because I didn't want my boobs to get any bigger and I wanted them to remain "perky" for as long as possible, selfish- I know. My “girls” are not exactly small and I wanted to keep them “perky” for as long as possible, lol. I knew if I breastfed they would never be the same.

My Mom and Sister are huge advocates of breastfeeding and both encouraged me to do so. My sister, Tara has 5 girls and breastfed each one with ease. She was so good at it, she was asked to work as a consultant. I finally decided that it was about my children and not me, and I was going to do it. One thing about me, once I decide to do something I am going to do it- I do not cave easily.

With Tenly, I had some difficulty in the beginning (her mouth was to small and my boobs to big) and had to use a guard. Gianna had no issues whatsoever. And, I never dealt with any of the pain that so many endure- I guess I was very lucky.

What is the best piece of advice you could give to a new Mother?

Go with your gut! You are going to do a lot of things wrong, but you are going to do twice as many right. You learn through your mistakes and those mistakes do make you a better parent. 

Try as best you can to not compare yourself to other Mom's, you end up frustrated trying to squeeze your originality into another mold- another thing I fight doing.

One of my biggest problems was always pursuing and presenting perfectionism. That pursuit is impossible to reach and it is exhausting. Instead, do everything you do the best you know how and in love. As long as your kids know you love them, they can look past all of the screw-ups.

Angie: A Mom Restored

A lifelong friend of 25 years is sharing today! Angie and I met when I was about 13 years old, we were going to the same church and middle school at the time, and she was 1 grade ahead of me. She and I have so much history I don’t even know where to start. We became very close friends pretty quickly and maintained it for over 6 years, she even moved from Clearwater to Clewiston with us for a short time. She is honestly a part of our family; she calls my parents “Mom & Dad” and has always had a place in our home and lives.  We did lose touch off and on for several years, but I love that we have always been able to pick up where we left off. I was trying to find some pictures of us growing up and managed to find a few, considering Angie and I were both blessed (or cursed) with a ton of naturally curly hair- every picture seemed to be of big, bigger, and biggest hair, lol.

Angie and I spoke a lot as she was answering questions for this post, and I was saddened to discover that as close as we were, I never knew how much turmoil she was going through inside. Angie was always the one to have fun and make you laugh; I have so many wonderful memories of our times together. There were times I was bit jealous of her ability to make people smile, whether it is through fun or her unbelievable voice. God has blessed Angie (and pretty much everyone in her family) with an ability to sing effortlessly- she could win American Idol at the tryouts alone! No matter, on the inside she was being torn apart.

Angie shared with me that she does want pity, but just wants people to know and see God in her journey. She is not proud of the choices she has made, but she is proud to show God’s faithfulness to her and her children. Angie is the story of restoration….

My name is Angie, I am a single Mom of two boys, Caleb is 17 and Joshua is 11. I come from a very complicated family, and many of the components of it had a negative effect on me. My Dad was always out working 2 or 3 jobs and my Mom had to raise 6 kids pretty much alone. Being the baby of the family, I kind of saw everything happening in the home- the good, bad, crazy and the ugly. At the age of 8 and again at 10, I was also subjected to some of the “ugly”- I was molested.

Considering I was already a very angry lil’ girl, these circumstances caused my anger to grow- which also influenced the angry, hurt, and bitter teen I developed into. In my later teen years, I was raped- and feared many things as a result. Being the product of not only the sexual abuse but observing and being a part of so much other unhealthy stuff in my family, produced a girl in her late teens and early twenties, drinking, smoking, dating (being with many different men). During this time, I became pregnant with my son, Caleb.

My Mom basically raised Caleb until the relationship began with my youngest son, Joshua’s, Father. That was a regrettable 3 years of my life. With so much pain in me that I never dealt with, I was everything but a healthy Mom to my boys. There was so much turmoil on the inside, there were moments that actually thought of killing myself and ending it all.

I wish I could say that all of the abuse ended with me, but then Caleb was also sexually abused as a child. The anger with my family and circumstances turned to hate with a vengeance, yet no one on the outside knew of my personal hell. You see I became really good at being fake, I played church so well. I continued to sing on worship teams and taking my boys and myself to church regularly.

Two in a half years ago I did finally say I couldn’t do it anymore- I was tired of being fake and living a lie. There had to be more to life, God had to love me and He had to be real. That was all I had to hold onto, that God had to be and have more. I made a choice to go on a journey to uncover, for the first time, whom I really was. The hardest part was to stop looking at myself as the victim and to take responsibility for my choices and myself. This journey sucks, it hurts and sometimes I have wanted to quit. But then I see my boys and myself changing and thriving, and again realize that we are all better for uncovering the ugly and making new discoveries. Will this journey ever be complete? That’s a big, NO! We all remain on a journey of embracing who we are, holding ourselves accountable, and implementing changes, as necessary- finally doing these things is the best decision I have ever made.

What is your biggest pet peeve with parenting?

The blessed toilet lid battle is probably my biggest pet peeve! Do u know how many times I have almost fallen in! Now I have a note in red marker right above the toilet reminding the boys to put the seat down..it works.

Do you have a funny/embarrassing story with your boys?

When Josh was 3, he and I and two of my sisters went to Village Inn to eat. Our waitress had like three teeth total, Josh found it necessary to point out that he had all of his teeth to her. What do you say to that?

With Caleb, we were also in a restaurant for a big group family thing. While waiting in line for our table, there was a black family waiting in front of us. When they were called to be seated, Caleb followed them all the way to their table. It wasn’t until they were sitting down that he realized it wasn’t us, it was hysterical!

           

Given the opportunity, what- if anything- would you do differently as a Mom?

Gosh, that is hard. I did the best I knew how at the time. But today, I know more and I

know better than I did then. Probably having more patience. I continue to struggle

today and I am having to practice it a lot.

What are your “non-negotiables” when it comes to your kids?

How many can I list here? 1.) Church 2.) Homework 3.) Eating 2 out 3 items on plate 4.) Toothpaste lid always on the toothpaste 4.) No laundry on the floor.

What was your biggest fear when you found out you were going to be a Mom?

My biggest fear, because of the circumstances I was in at the time, was that I would fail them. Although, I did make some choices, I did not fail them and am proud of the Mom I have evolved into and of the young men I am raising.

Caleb is a great football player, he helps in children’s church, he always apologizes for any outbursts he may have, and he loves his family unconditionally. Josh is very compassionate and tender. He loves to sing (just like his Mom) and is a very friendly young man. I am proud of who they are becoming and it brings me peace and joy to know that, even with my imperfections, I had something to do with that.

The boys and I had a heart to heart about a year ago. I had to ask them to forgive me for my choices and things that had transpired through out the years. That was a pivotal point in our relationship, a real turning point. We talk and they share everything with me, no judgments just lots of love and guidance. I love my job being a Mom now.

Do you have a funny “labor” moment?

With Caleb, I kept yelling, “I need to poop..” during the pushing stage. Finally, the doctor yelled back for me to “go ahead and poop already!” (This is just Mom’s reading this, right?)

With Josh, I had to have a C-section, I refused to go into surgery until the doctor found and showed me the authorization to tie my tubes! It was a very funny moment.

What is your “secret” addiction or obsession?

My former addiction would have been smoking. Now it is painting my nails!

I have to have my nails painted, I feel naked without it! I have every shade of nail polish imaginable!

One thing that you do for your kids- because you love them- but you absolutely dread it every time!?

Making Caleb peanut butter n jelly sandwiches. As much as I dislike it and he is more than big enough/old enough to do it himself, I still do it for him- probably my way to keep him “my baby” a bit longer. With Josh, I hate, hate, hate, did I say hate; I hate doing math homework with him.

What is something you said you would NEVER do with/to your children that you have found yourself doing?

Nagging, I always said I wouldn’t nag my kids (because my Mom was a bit of a nagger). So, instead I have taken to posting notes all over the house, that way, instead of opening mouth to nag- or repeat myself- I just point at the note. Pretty ingenious if I do say so myself!

Your biggest Mommy “Aha” moment?

When I saw Caleb in the ultra sound for the first time, I was flooded with so much love for him. In the beginning, I was so ashamed and scared that I was a pregnant and single and not in a relationship- not to mention the shame that I felt from parents and family. It was pretty obvious that I had been a huge disappointment. So, I spent the first few months (in a home for “unwed Mothers”) of that pregnancy trying everything to miscarry the child. Seeing Caleb’s beating heart and watching my child on that screen changed everything.

Do you ever deal with “Mommy Guilt”? Why?

I fight Mommy guilt daily. I have made some pretty crappy choices in my life and those choices did effect my lil’ guys. I do the” if only game” a lot. I have realized though, that game doesn’t help my boys or me. That is an area I am really working on and it has gotten better.

Do you remember your first thought as you held/saw your child(ren) for the first time?

With Caleb, his head had been “stuck” in the canal for a while so he had quite a cone head going on. I found myself praying that his head wouldn’t stay that way.

With Josh, I instantly checked out his head! What relief that it looked perfect and he didn’t have a cone!

What is the best piece of advice you could give to a new Mother?

Get away from being caught up in what Dr. Phil says the books say. Rather, enjoy and embrace every moment, the good the bad and the ugly.  Try not to have to high of expectations for yourself. Admit when your overwhelmed, ask for help, take naps, and avoid perfection.

Oh, No She Didn't....

Touchy topic! As Mom's, we have our standards, rules, and our major pet peeves God help the person who crosses any of them at the wrong (or any) moment.

The other day the whole family went to the library, we also had the baby girl I baby-sit with us. It came time for us to go and check out our HUGE stack of books. I tend to always use the self-check out because I am too impatient to wait in line for the slow library workers (kind of rude, I'm working on it). While Lupe and I were getting all of the books checked out, I instructed my girls to sit on the floor beside me with the baby carrier to wait, and they did so nicely. My "Mommy Alert" (you know, that chilling feeling when the hair stands up on the back of your neck because you know you just heard/saw something inappropriately directed towards your children) went off as I heard, "You girls need to get off of that floor, it's very dirty and you should not be sitting on it!" Hahahaha (in an evil tone), I know that lady was just talking to my kids (who were sitting perfectly criss-cross-applesauce and VERY quiet). My kind response was, "It's okay, and they are doing exactly what I asked them to." What I really wanted to say? "Would you rather them standing up jumping, running, swinging off of the dividers like the others?" or "Maybe you should talk to the library about cleaning their carpets rather than correcting children who need no correction?" or "Thank You, but they have a Mom and it's not YOU!" I know, not very Christian of me- aren't you glad I gave her my first response? Which of course she said, "Well, these floors are really dirty and..." which is where I stopped listening and turned away (for her sake and mine).

Now, don't get me wrong- there are times that I welcome someone to step in: when a child is in danger, clearly breaking a rule or needs some type of help. But, when a parent is very present and the children are being of no problem to anyone- I think you may cross the line.

Wouldn't it be more appropriate, to go up to the parent and say quietly, "I just wanted to let you know that these floors aren't the cleanest just in case you were concerned about that type of thing..”? We teach our children not to talk to (or listen to) strangers universally, yet a stranger steps in to correct a child who is doing no wrong in front of a parent.

I remember one time picking up Tenly from school; you only walked up the sidewalk to get them- you did not have to go inside. Gianna was asleep, I did not want to wake her- so I did the unthinkable- I let her sleep in the car as I walked up the sidewalk (our car had key-less start up, so I did not leave the keys in). I did get "reprimanded" for doing that by one of the school workers. She nicely explained to me what I already knew, but obviously needed reminding of. It's not fun being corrected as a Mom, but done in the right manner and circumstances it can be a much needed and welcomed learning experience that will bring change and better parenting. Let's just say, I have never since left my child in the car- key-less start up or not.

Maybe I am to sensitive, or maybe I should be more concerned with dirty floors than I am (they are kids, 75% of what they do has to do with some type of germs or dirt). But, I do not appreciate another person (especially one I do not know) correcting my children- especially for being obedient to their Mother. As much as I would think this is common sense, it apparently isn't.

Believe me, I have moments when I see kids doing something and it takes everything in me not to take them up to their parent and yell, "Have you lost your mind? How could you allow...!!!" But, I know my place and that isn't it! I will be the first to step in and help a child in need and given the opportunity have a word or two with the parent.

A couple weeks ago, I took the girls and I had a play-date with a friend and her kids and we took them all to the pool. While there, another little girl kind of attached herself to our group and we all welcomed her. She had no floaties/life jacket on, so I assumed she could swim- that is until she stepped off the steps and went under. I quickly grabbed her up and back on the steps, I then asked where her family was and she said they were inside playing paddleball. Ummm, excuse me!? What kind of parent leaves a child who cannot swim unattended...and without any type of safety device!!?? What would have happened if I hadn't been standing there? Believe me, my friend and I were about to come unglued at someone being so irresponsible with their child, their most precious gift. Yes, that would be a time (and was) for words to be said- kindly, of course.

Enough rambling! Obviously, this is a major pet-peeve of mine! I respect "parenting boundaries" and would hope that others would do the same. Since this is probably not the last time it will happen, I need to continue to pray that God would help grace to abound from me...something else I am continuing to work on, lol!

Is It Ever Okay To Walk Away?

I like to think of myself as a good friend...not a perfect friend, but good nonetheless.
What defines a good friend? Time, laughs, outings, talking, sharing, confidence, sympathy, empathy, listening, secrets, understanding, comfort...? What about when you are not getting these things from your "friends"? Which things are not negotiable and which are?
When do you know it's a good time and choice to walk away because the "friendship" is just draining you too much? Is there ever such a time that it's okay?

"You don't have a right to place blame or be angry if you have never communicated that there is a problem. You must give a person the opportunity to change and/or make it right."

That would be one of the statements I believe to be very true. Of course, that would require confrontation which is just so difficult- to difficult. For one, when a situation is brought up and confronted, you leave yourself vulnerable to hear that you may be just as wrong as you believe the other person to be. And two, you risk, and probably will, hurt someone you care about and may even lose them. Walking away is easier in some ways, but harder in others.
Confrontation is a good thing when done correctly. The person being confronted should never feel ganged up on, defeated or degraded. When communicating an issue, it should be done in love and under the covering of a lot of prayer. AND, no matter how disturbed you may be over a matter- you better be sure that God is leading you instead of your emotions and opinions.
If I am a true "good friend", don't I have the responsibility to tell my friend(s) (in love) when there is something going very wrong? Something that not only you are effected by, but others also.

I have one "friend" who isn't my "friend" anymore (yes, this does sound very high school). It came to my attention on Facebook of all places (yes, even more high school). I went to check out her page to see how she was doing and leave a little message when I realized I had been deleted. I thought this just MUST be an mistake, so I requested her as a friend again and then again, and well- it went completely ignored. Now, I don't want someone to be my "friend" out of obligation, but please give the opportunity to either defend myself and/or apologize if I have done something.
This whole thing bothered me the most, because I have no clue what I really did- I have an idea of something it may have been- but I don't know. If I did do something, I was never given the opportunity to make it right. Assuming I did do something wrong, I could of learned, grown and apologized if I would of been given the opportunity (shocking that I am imperfect).
Considering there have been times in my life that I have been lonely without friends nearby, I realize the value of friendships. I do realize that even if I were to distance myself, it is never okay to be hateful or angry- that goes against everything God has instructed me to do in His Word.

So, I guess I have answered my own questions as I type.. Distancing yourself is okay after you have communicated and given the other person the opportunity to explain/change. No one deserves to be written off without explanation or opportunity. Regardless, God requires me to pray, love and care for my friends, even when they drive me up the wall! If I communicate my concerns and issues with my friend, with the right heart, and they choose to continue "draining" me, then that may require some distance- after a lot of prayer.
Proverbs 17:17 says "A friend loves at ALL times.."
Which tells me I better love the good, the bad, and the ugly.............

30 Days To School Memories

Tenly's 1st day of Kinder

I know I am not the only one thinking about school getting ready to start as August approaches. The school supply lists, what teacher will they have, who will be in their class, the backpack and lunchbox shopping, etc.

I also know I cannot be the only one who is excited to get back into a routine, but is also dreading losing control once again. Tenly is going into the 1st Grade this year and Gianna is starting PreK- for 3 hours a day I will be without children- what in the world am I going to do (don't worry, I think I will manage to find things to do fairly easily). The hardest part of my kids beginning school is the fact that I am not in "the know" at all times. I am having to put my trust and most precious gifts into the hands of others. "Will they have friends?", "Will they be scared?", "Will someone be mean to them?", "Will they stand up for themselves?", "Will their teachers 'care'?", "Will they remember where everything is?", "Will they ask for help?", my list could go on forever. 

I saw a post on another Blog (forgive me, I did not write the blog down, so this is not my brilliant idea- just my list) last year after Tenly had started Kindergarten. It was "30 Days To Kindergarten"- I hated I didn't see it in time, but vowed that it was something I would like to do every year counting down to school starting. So, I made my list last year- and although I haven't been able to really do it this year (I am babysitting an infant at home now), I still love the idea and think it something we implement more and more. So here it is for the Mom's out there who want to live life to the fullest before their babies begin their "big kid" journey...

You and your child (or children) make a list for every day of the month, each day there will be something that you do that is special or out of the ordinary. I remember the Blogger that the idea came from documented each day with a picture, which would be wonderful (I can see a great Shutterfly Photobook now!). An important part of the process is towards the end, you interview your child (I also think it would be fun for your child to interview you at the same time), ideally you will interview them with the same questions each year to watch how they change/develop/grow (I will put some questions at the very end of the Days). I know we are a little short of the full 30 days- but you could do a 20, 15 or even 10 day countdown.

[By The Way, I ran across this Blog, 30 Days To Kindergarten, (while trying to find the link to the other) that the Mom wrote something special to her son every day while making memories in every moment- it is a very touching read.]

31 Day Kindergarten (or School) Countdown

Day 1- Ice cream date to make our 30 day lists.
Day 2- Barnes 'N Noble Bookstore
Day 3- Fort building
Day 4- Artists Day: Coloring Books and Drawing 
Day 5- Scavenger Hunt 
Day 6- Swimming with friend of choice
Day 7-  Sidewalk Chalk
Day 8- Makeover
Day 9- Mani/Pedi
Day 10- Daddy's Birthday Celebration
Day 11: Movie Night with Blankets, Pillows, and Popcorn
Day 12: Visit Michael's for "Crafty Night" stuff
Day 13: Make Cupcakes
Day 14: Tea Party
Day 15: Bowling
Day 16: Bake a Cake
Day 17:  Pool time fun
Day 18:  Library Day
Day 19: Cook Dinner 
Day 20: Park Play Date and Lunch with Friends
Day 21: Play Do
Day 22: Lunch Date at Sweet Tomato's
Day 23: Game Night
Day 24: Mini golf adventure
Day 25: Canvas Painting for Bedroom Decor
Day 26: Museum Day
Day 27: Fishing
Day 28: Interview Questions (look below)
Day 29: Living Room "Camping"- continue Interview (look below)
Day 30: Beach Day
Day 31: Jaxson's Ice Cream

Interview Questions

Favorite color:
Favorite foods:
Favorite thing to do:
Favorite Friend:
Favorite thing to wear:
Favorite Toy:
Favorite thing to do with Mommy:
Favorite thing to do with Daddy:
Favorite movie:
Favorite place to visit:
Favorite book:
Favorite trip:
Favorite day ever:
Worst day ever:
Something funny that happened to you:
Something sad:
Something happy:
What I’m most thankful for: