Me + New Project= Accountability......

I have been avoiding writing this post. As I am finding myself heading in a new, scary, unknown direction, it is time for me to write about it. The only problem is, my fear of failure. There are not very many people who know about my little project I've been working on- and that has been comforting. If people do not know about it, I will only be considered a failure to myself and a few others IF I do not succeed. On the other hand, if I put myself out there and let everyone know what I'm doing- I am able to accept encouragement, advice, and am allowing to be accountable when the times get rough and I'm discouraged. Is the possibility there that I wont be successful? Sure. Is the possibility there that I  will be successful? Sure.

The things that roll through my mind are questions like: What if people laugh at me for even considering such a task? What if no one believes in me? What if I do all this work with NO success? Am I even able to take on something this big? What if everyone I approach rolls their eyes at me? What if no one helps? What if no one cares? What if this really is a stupid idea and I can't see it and no one tells me??????? The list goes on....

The part that excites me, is that despite those and other questions- I am going to do it anyway. 

For the past 6 weeks or so, I have begun writing a book. Now, let me clarify- not any type of story or anything like that (that truly terrifies me)- but a resource guide. What type of resource guide? I'm so glad you asked!A resource guide for Moms in the South Florida area. Listing everything "Mom's"- from freebies, activities, parks (did you know there about 500+ parks in Broward County alone!), schools, home schooling, mom groups, sports leagues, links, education, etc.

When we moved to this area, I looked for a resource such as this to help us adapt to our new home and area- and didn't really find anything. Thank God I found myself in a Mom's Group at Community Christian Church where the other Mom's were able to recommend doctors, parks, and many things to do in the community and surrounding areas.

Within the last 6 weeks of research, I have discovered SO much stuff in the South Florida area that I am excited to try out and tell other moms in the about.

The literary field is very intimidating and the more I learn, the more intimidated I get- kind of like a Chihuahua being stared down by a Bull Dog. The only thing that qualifies me for this task I am taking on is being a Mom- although that in itself is a lot of qualifications, it still leaves me feeling like I'm drowning and overwhelmed at times.

A wonderful friend gave me some great ideas on some ways to gather more information and put it out there. So, I am going to be starting another blog (as soon as I have an afternoon to get the many pieces together) to tell people about all these wonderful paces I am discovering and laying the ground work to compile the information into a great resource guide.

I am going to ask a HUGE favor....I need everyone possible to follow this blog- even if you don't read it much- pass it along to others after you sign up to follow it! It would really help me as I begin the process of developing a proposal to contact/speak to literary agents and publishers. Please keep your eyes out for the new upcoming "mom blog"- I need you to follow that one, too!!! That's right, I'm resorting to begging.

This blog is going to be changing a bit- I really want to begin telling the stories of other moms and women out there to have a variety of perspectives on many things. So, if you have something that be relevant to another mom or family- message me. I have a whole list of mom's already who I am going to be contacting to give perspectives on things!

Hold me Accountable- I need you to! I can do this- with God's help, and I am going to try my absolute hardest.

Random Happenings of Late and Peace

I'm feeling just a tad guilty for not blogging in some time- it has not been intentional and at the forefront of my mind. I have mentioned before that I do not write a post for the sake of just writing one, I always want there to be a purpose behind what I write- sometimes it's to help me, sometimes it may be something I think could help another and sometimes both. Well, every time I've sat down to attempt a new post, I had nothing. So, I've waited and now here I am.My mind, my spirit, my thoughts, ME- are in a good place. I wake up in the mornings to peace. To many that may not be such a big deal. But after the roller coaster my family has been on within the past 18 months, peace is welcomed, adored, and embraced. Mind you, the past week has been a little crazy.

After I was not able to attend a dear friends wedding at the last minute (that I was bummed about), but we decided we would go ahead with the already planned trip to Clearwater to visit with my parents over Easter weekend. We went sight seeing, had lunch with cupcakes and ice cream before Lupe had to head home to work and we stayed to finish out the holiday. Swimming, Easter egg hunts, Easter dresses, Easter baskets, church Easter celebration, and a sick little girl. On Saturday afternoon while we were swimming, Tenly began feeling yucky and we later discovered a high fever. After a couple of days we had a nasty cough to match the fever that she then shared with her sister. After missing 3 days of school, it looked like she was doing well enough to return the next day. That is, until she was up all night coughing and the fever returned the next day. Yesterdays doctors appointment revealed a double ear infection and bronchitis- YUCK!

Gia is still recovering but both are finally doing better. (Dreading a whole weeks worth of makeup work)

In the midst of that, another infection showed up on my right chin (total count now is 5  infections). This one was minor in comparison to the others and is already disappearing and I am thankful.                                                                                                                                          Also, Yesterday, Lupe had some dental work done. After the feeling returned to his face, he was instructed to take 4 Motrin to ease any discomfort. So, at around 5:00pm he did just that- it wasn't until he couldn't keep his eyes open that we realized he had taken 4 Motrin PM's! Needless to say, he was out for the night. Not that it adds anything to this story, except it was quite funny! The whole family is currently on some type of antibiotics for something. Now just to make sure we take the right ones, lol! (Lupe is no longer allowed to manage or buy medications)

"You POOR thing..." has been said to me regarding the craziness of the last week. I found myself very frustrated by these comments- this is nothing! I was not sharing the situations for pity, but just to communicate a typical wife/mom's events of the day. I guess I needed, or wanted, to hear how great everything seemed inspite of the very small curve ball thrown at us. Don't feel sorry for me, come on- in comparison to all the other junk- this is nothing! We got this, God's got this! It kind of makes me laugh now, because we are just the opposite place of that- we are in complete peace. Not that I do not appreciate concern, I guess it just hit me the wrong way.

We are finding our family at a bit of a crossroads having to make an important decision (I can't go into details YET). As Lupe and I were talking last night (before Lupe drugged himself to sleep), we were discussing options and how we felt directed in the situation. My heart was overwhelmed and thankful as Lupe put his arms around me, and as the man God has placed over this family, began to pray for clear direction in the situation. At that moment, once again, we were engulfed in God's peace knowing He was in control and everything would come together in His timing.

I have also taken on a project that I am both elated and terrified of! I'm not at a point of sharing yet (is that just mean??), but know I will in due time. Just pray that God will open the doors that need to open, I would have divine appointments and direction, and that I will not be controlled by fear of the unknown.

Failure

I have let that word control me way to much, "Failure".

Of course, being me, I analyzed it (many times) trying to figure out why I am controlled by a fear of failing. I believe I discovered one of the main reasons it is so hard for me take a chance.

Now, I have always been eager to please, always searching for approval, when you add a situation is viewed as a "fail"- the result is quite a handicap.

Back in 1992 is what I have allowed to haunt and control me. I was in my Junior year of High School, and I had worked very hard that year to pull my GPA up (I had been a lazy student prior). The second part of my Junior year became difficult- at home and church. I pretty much sunk into a depression because of some very difficult situations my whole family- especially my parents, were facing. I have always taken it upon myself to protect my parents, it's kind of comical that I've done that. So, as I watched my parents crushed and crying on every turn- I took it very personally and allowed myself to carry it. Then, after a visit to the dentist, I had an allergic reaction to Demerol. They could not wake me up, after I finally did- I passed out and went into a seizure. They would not allow me back at school without a clearance from the doctor.

Well, these things combined caused me to miss to many days of school (14 days)- which we had to appeal- and were denied (which meant I had to repeat the 11th grade). I remember reading that letter, I sat down and just cried- and then I gave up. It was like I didn't have any more fight left in me- and my parents didn't either. I was so angry, my grades may not have always been the best- but they were that year, and I had never even had a detention or anything. I told my parents I wanted to drop out and get my GED. After many discussions, they agreed- I was pretty adamant and I don't think my parents had it in them to "combat" me.

The hardest part then was, I was terrified to get my GED- what if I didn't pass? I was a pretty good student, but I had to work very hard for my grades- and me and math absolutely did NOT get along. It took me 3 years to finally take that test- which I did pass.

I was 20 years old before I finally got my drivers license. I drove without a license all of that time. Why? I just new I would not pass and could not face that. One day, my friend Jimmy came into my office at work and told me that the following week I was going to take my driving test in his car so we better start practicing. Well, we did and I walked away with my license that day. I was honestly shocked that I passed the test- I really was!

There are so many times that I want to offer advice or give an idea, but am paralyzed that people will think I am stupid. Sometimes I take the chance, but mostly I feel, "..why bother, they aren't going to think it's any good?" I know I am talented in certain area's, but what if I am the only one who thinks so, while everyone else out there feels bad "for the girl who thinks she has talent, but really doesn't".

I became very sick many years ago, as I finally began to recover I took it as the perfect opportunity to go to college- something else I had so desperately wanted but was very fearful of. I really enjoyed it, except for being reminded of how bad I was at math/science, I mean bad- really bad! I finally went to my academic advisor (forever indebted to Dr. Matousik) who personally tutored me. About 3 sessions in, he looked at me and said, "Jenn, you are not stupid, you have a learning disability." He continued to ask if I ever had been tested/diagnosed- I hadn't. It brought me some comfort to have him say this to me, but I also became overwhelmed by the fact that I was again failing.

Opportunity, that is what I often tell others that failure is, an opportunity to learn and do better. Funny that I fail to follow my own advice. I envy the people I know/see, who plunge ahead with the thought to succeed instead of the idea of failing. Not that they are not aware of the risks, but they are not controlled by them, it's worth chancing failure because they are also chancing success- and even if they fail they can value the experience and the education.

About 2 weeks ago, God gave me a great idea. I was so excited about it. But, then I realized that it was going to be like every other "great idea" I've ever had- just an idea. There are many times I have thought of something I'd like to try/do- but then as I weigh it out thinking of the details- I become overwhelmed with the thought that I will just fail- so why try!? In a way, not trying is failure without the option of success.

I began to wonder if I was going to continue following my trend, or if I was going to begin to at least try. It's a big idea- and I'm still trying to figure out the logistics of how to accomplish it. The fact that I am subjecting myself to executives who may look at me and tell me it is not a good idea is overwhelming. BUT, what if after a few "No's" is a "Yes"- who knows, maybe I will get an immediate "Yes".

So, here I am, putting myself out there, subjecting myself to not just failure- but success. It's going to take some work and determination and time- but I am going to try. Many friends will probably get some phone calls from me for advice, help, and encouragement, so this is your warning. I am taking a chance, and am hoping to rediscover many strengths that I have lost along my way.

Timing and Trust

Been awhile! To be honest, as much as I've been itching to blog, I have also intentionally avoided it. I typically write pretty candidly on what's going on in my life and what I'm learning from the processes. Well, I am once again going through a challenging issue with my health and am extremely angry and frustrated by it. Although, I probably will write about it eventually- I am choosing to write about some other things that my family has faced and how God brought us through the other sidein His timing!

First, let me tell how Lupe and I received an envelope with $1000 cash inside!

 After getting settled in our new apartment at the beginning of February, we were very relieved and also a bit stressed. God had provided the money we needed to get us in our new place, but we were then faced with very limited funds throughout the month of February. We just began to pray and believe God to provide what we needed for every day. As I began to make preparations to celebrate Gia's Birthday on the first, I was feeling a bit guilty for spending the little money I did (I already had the decorations, but a present and cake..). On Gianna's Birthday, a very close friend of ours text Lupe to wish Gia a Happy Birthday, he also asked how we were doing. Lupe text that everything was well, just having some financial challenges. K.L. (I will just call him "K.L" to protect his privacy) joked that he needed to send Lupe an envelope of cash "..like Donny Brasco.." (Lupe and K.L. always joke around as if they are mobsters ). I laughed, didn't put any weight into the comment.
A few days later, I was on the phone with my friend Joanne. We began talking about some of the financial challenges we were having, as we spoke I began to cry. I guess I was beginning to feel a bit overwhelmed. Joanne quickly began to encourage me and remind me of God's faithfulness. When I hung up the phone, I felt better, but told God "Alright God, I trust you for what I need for today and will leave the tomorrows until tomorrow..".

The mailman knocked on the door as I was about to get in the shower. To be honest, the first thing that went through my mind was "GREAT! Now they're sending us certified letters to pay our bills!!", but as I shut the door I noticed the return address on the package was from K.L. Then I remembered he had mentioned that he was sending Gia a birthday gift. There was a card and some money for each of the girls and Lupe, as I opened the card for Lupe (yes, I opened my husbands mail) I see a $100 bill- as I picked it up it was more than one bill. My mouth hit the floor and I began to sob as I counted 10 $100 bills in that card. My heart began to flip flop all over the place!! I immediately called Lupe, and as my ever so calm unshakable husband always is, his response was "...well, he was pulling a Donny Brasco..." (as I'm sobbing on the other end). I then called Joanne back and told her what happened, her response was what I was expecting (unlike my smooth husband), a squeal and excitement.
WHY did God choose to do it the way He did? I don't know, but I know it was in His timing (which is perfect) and we never went without. I am thankful for faithful friends who stood and encouraged and were obedient.

Another challenge that we have been facing for a few years is our car!! About 2 1/2 years ago, we were driving a Toyota Camry which was just getting to cramped with our toddler and a baby and all their stuff. We needed/wanted a small SUV- and the one we (mainly I) wanted was a Saturn Outlook. Well, we found one and were given a pretty good deal on it- only problem was it was an extremely high interest rate. When Lupe inquired to a very close friend and mentor (who was very knowledgeable about buying vehicles) on what options he may have and how to negotiate- the friend offered to put up the collateral for the loan to keep our interest rate down. We accepted, which in retrospect was a mistake. We loved that Outlook, but we HAD to love it- we were way upside down and our payments were way to much!

After we moved to Florida from Texas, our friend who had put up the collateral, asked us to get new financing for the vehicle- considering we were upside down on it, we could not get new financing. Since we left Texas, the relationship with our friend has become a bit strained and uncomfortable, which makes the whole car situation just feel even worse. We began to have that feeling of a car owning us instead of us owning a car. Lupe never gave up on looking for another car or financing, he would try and get turned down and have an offer that just would not work.

Last week, Lupe had just walked away from another offer that just wouldn't work when he received a letter in the mail from another dealership in the area saying they thought they could help. Lupe called them and explained where we were at and what we needed. We wanted to go back to a car now that the girls were older and a smaller vehicle would work, not to mention the gas mileage on a car would be much better!

Long story short, Lupe spoke to the dealership on Thursday night, they called him to come over on Friday night saying they could make it work, and Friday night he drove home in our brand NEW Mitsubishi Gallant!! We now have a lower payment, lower interest, and are getting 40mi/gal instead of 18mi/gal (THAT'S a big deal!), and this will hopefully remove some of the strain with our friend and start a healing process of our relationship.
We are getting used to "riding on the ground" again and are loving the gas mileage! I will admit, I miss the roominess of our Outlook, the adjustable steering wheel and satellite radio, and with summer approaching we will definitely miss our automatic start button! But, it's so worth it  for all the reasons I mentioned above.
We have been dealing with this situation for about 1 1/2 years....why didn't God work it out in the beginning? I don't know, but I am thankful that he sustained us until now with that crazy high payment and has now provided us with exactly what we need. Yet again, we never did without.
I don't understand God's timing, but I don't guess I have to. I just have to trust that His timing IS perfect.
Please continue to pray with me regarding some of this health stuff, I am trying to have faith and trust- but I will admit it's a struggle.

Give It A Try, Better Late Than Never...

What I read this morning, and something that I want to begin in my marriage:

"Why we have a box on our dresser collecting dollars… 
And a long-ago letter to Ann Landers that spawned the collecting-box phenomenon…

“Dear Ann Landers: Last weekend, we celebrated my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary. This morning, they left on a long-awaited trip to Hawaii. They were as excited as if it were their honeymoon.
When my parents married, they had only enough money for a three-day trip 50 miles from home. They made a pact that each time they were intimate, they would put a dollar in a special metal box and save it for a honeymoon in Hawaii for their 50th anniversary.
Dad was a policeman, and Mom was a schoolteacher. They lived in a modest house and did all their own repairs. Raising five children was a challenge, and sometimes, money was short, but no matter what emergency came up, Dad would not let Mom take any money out of the “Hawaii account.” As the account grew, they put it in a savings account and then bought CDs.
My parents were always very much in love. I can remember Dad coming home and telling Mom, “I have a dollar in my pocket,” and she would smile at him and reply, “I know how to spend it.”
When each of us children married, Mom and Dad gave us a small metal box and told us their secret, which we found enchanting. All five of us are now saving for our dream honeymoons. Mom and Dad never told us how much money they had managed to save, but it must have been considerable because when they cashed in those CDs, they had enough for airfare to Hawaii plus hotel accommodations for 10 days and plenty of spending money.
As they told us good-bye before leaving, Dad winked and said, “Tonight, we are starting an account for Cancun. That should only take 25 years.”
– Loving Daughter in Abilene, Texas“

Perhaps today might just be perfect as any to slip out and find you and your Beloved your own little love-collecting box?"
- from Ann Voscamp, Ann Voskamp: A Holy Experience "One Way To Help your Marriage"

Lupe and I, a couple of weeks ago, realized our marriage was becoming very "routine". We were doing well, but we were going day to day forgetting about all of those "little nothings" that mean so much.

We kissed as we walked out the door, said "I love you" at the appropriate times, we cuddled together as we drifted off to sleep every night. But, we had forgotten about how much the unexpected can do for us as individuals and what it can do for us as a couple. I could no longer find the passion which at times was apparent and undeniable.

It felt so wonderful to sit across from Lupe one night and have this conversation, and then act on it. We are reuniting with  the unexpected, the little nothings.
When I read this on Ann's blog, I instantly knew that this is something I think we can implement in our marriage.

Valentines Memories Past

Valentines Day! What a great day to show love! Not that we shouldn't show it every day, but it's a day we set aside to focus on the love we have for others and celebrate the love others have for us.

This morning, I was awakened by my girls excitement and the smell of my favorite omelet and croissants baking. Lupe woke up, even earlier than normal, and had spoiled all of his girls with sweet little somethings as well as a big yummy breakfast. What I love, is that he did it all because he wanted to and not out of obligation. While eating that incredible breakfast, I began to remember Valentines of the past- there is one that stands out back to when Lupe and I were engaged.

I began to plan early on. I called one of Lupe's staff in the kitchen and recruited him as my accomplice. I bought/made probably 30+ cards and wrote something different in each one, and some of them I put candy or a little something with. I shoved them all into an envelope and sent them off to Jeremy (my accomplice). I kind of new Lupe's routine and such throughout the day, so each card I sent to Jeremy had a location sticky noted to it. Lupe's drawers, closet, mirror, sink, the toilet, in the shower, on his pillow, the thermostat, refrigerator, cabinets, T.V., remote, pantry, in the coffee pot, microwave, back door, car steering wheel, car glove box, and the list goes on..! What I loved, is that he continued to find those cards for weeks!

Now, here is the funny part. Lupe had been making plans of his own....needless to say...he did not receive his Valentines until the day after Valentines Day! That's right! He had his own accomplices...my mom and dad!

Lupe had been planning to fly to Florida (he was in Texas- long distance dating) for Valentines Day to surprise me for quite some time! He was flying into Tampa that morning and my parents were picking him up at the airport. My mom had called me a week or 2 before and LIED to me, saying she had won a couple of free meals for lunch at some fancy restaurant in Tampa- my dad couldn't go and so she wanted me to drive over (from Lakeland, 25 minutes) after work to go with her. She did convince me and I agreed. I actually got off work early and told my mom I would be there a little earlier if she wanted to go over some wedding plans (we were getting married in Tampa) with me. Well, she thought that was a marvelous idea! I walked in looking for mom in her office, when my fiance', Lupe, popped out of the closet carrying flowers, balloons, and a basket full of my favorite goodies! I was surprised, sort of....I guess I should add a little side note here!

A couple of weeks prior to this wonderful surprise, I had called Lupe on the phone while he was driving on the camp grounds. While talking with him, he tells me to hold on a minute because Kim (a close friend also on staff at the camp) had pulled up next to him and needed to talk to him. All of a sudden here a very excited Kim ask in her very excited voice, "SO, are you going to see Jenn- did it work out to go? Are you going?". Right after I hear that, the phone gets very muffled (as if a hand may be covering the speaker, lol) before Lupe gets back to the phone. Now, my mind was wandering- could she really be talking about him coming to Florida? I found the idea impossible until Lupe came back to the phone- when I asked him if everything was okay, he lies saying, "oh, Kim was just asking about an upcoming retreat"- THAT is when I knew something was up! I still wasn't totally convinced, because Lupe said nothing even remotely leading me to believe that he would be coming!

But, regardless of me getting a bit of a hint- it was one of the sweetest things he has done. Especially when I remember how he was stranded at the Atlanta Airport overnight because of weather. Lupe's cell phone died, because of course he didn't bring his charger because he would only be gone for the day. So, it was a bit of a mess- but so worth every minute! I didn't have a gift to give him, because it was all waiting for him at home in Columbus, Texas.

Such an incredible memory, such an incredible wonderful man that God has given me! A man, who brings me coffee in bed every morning, gets the girls up, fed, lunches packed, goes to work to take care of his family, cooks, does laundry, makes the bed, empties the dishwasher, cleans the kitchen, reads and lives God's Word, takes his family to church, loves, cares, and disciplines his children, and he does what's right- not to be right, but because it's right...the list could go on forever. Lupe loves me and all of my faults, and he their may be things he wishes I'd change- but he never tries to change me.

I am blessed beyond measure and so in love with my husband!

The Necessary Baggage..

I haven't posted recently because..I couldn't think of what I wanted to write about. I never want to post just to say I did it, if it isn't on my heart, important, or poignant- why put it out there.

I was attempting to fix Gianna's Stringy Blanket last night (which was a joke, considering I do not sew much less crochet/knit! It is fixed though- not correctly- but it's fixed!), and I found myself pondering a message I heard 2 Sundays ago- which I've found myself doing quite a bit.
The Sunday after I was released from my wonderful (*sarcasm*) hospital stay, my face was still looking a bit rough so I decided to stay home from church. When I miss church, I typically watch my former Pastor(s), Bishop Tony Miller (who now pastors The Cathedral in Oklahoma City, OK) online. It so happened, that on this Sunday Bishop was away, so his wife Pastor Kathy was ministering.

Now, Pastor Kathy is a joy to listen to and be around- she is admired by so many as a pastor, mentor, friend, prayer warrior, counselor, worship leader, speaker. I remember way back in the day, when she used to say preaching/teaching was not her thing, the first time I heard her teach was at a women's event at our church. That was the first and last time I heard her teach, so I was pleasently surprised when I saw her take the platform at The Cathedral.

As PK began speaking The Word, it immediately starting taking root in my heart, and somewhat mirrored the "Me, Myself, and Lies" study I have been doing. She began talking about baggage. The baggage that we carry full of our past, our failures, strife, anger, emotions, insecurities, etc. Now, many of us have heard others speak, teach, preach on carrying around unnecessary baggage that we should let go of. We limit ourselves because we are allowing our baggage to dictate to us. Hearing this message reiterated what I already new, and was trying to embrace and activate in my life. But, then she made another point that was a big "Aha Moment" for me.

As she walked around the stage ministering, Pastor Kathy did so lugging suitcases and bags to give a visual of how exhausting it can be. Then she pulled out this other bag that represented dreams, visions, and desires- which is obviously necessary baggage. PK went on to explain, that if your arms are full and overwhelmed with baggage containing past regrets, mistakes, negativity, emotions, anger, and insecurities- you leave no room to carry your dreams, desires, and things you are passionate about.

Our minds are so consumed with junk- that we no longer have room to dream, pursue, and nurture the things God has given us to do. I began to think of things that are often crowded out of mind because I tend to think of all of my past failures and allow that to stop me from trying new things. Sometimes, people can't even see "me" because of all the baggage that stands in front of me- it limits me. Have you, or someone else, ever began to "unload" your baggage onto others because it was getting to heavy and overwhelming. God is the only one who is more than willing to not only take our baggage, but dispose of it.

I've been working on letting go of unnecessary baggage. I now realize, that part of letting go of all that "junk" is giving my dreams room to grow and take root. I am anticipating feeling completely free of excess baggage, as I carry along and chase the real "stuff" God has placed before me.
Thanks, PK!