What If....

I have been wanting to post all week! But, some other commitments took priority and have kept me VERY busy! With that behind me, here I go...

I am writing on the other side of my 38th Birthday! Yay, Happy Birthday to me! It was a strange Birthday this year, I am suddenly realizing how close I am to 40...and it is very strange. It isn't depressing, sad or anything...just strange. Do you remember when 40 was old? I do! I remember my parents turning 40, and (sorry Mom & Dad)- but I do remember thinking how old they were, lol.

For many this feeling came a bit at 30, but 30 was a wonderful milestone for me! I married the man of my dreams at 30, so that foreshadowed any type of negative feelings. Very shortly after, I became pregnant after being told that would be medically impossible. So, the beginning of my 30's were some of the best parts of my life.

My Birthday this year had me reflecting a bit. You know, some of the "What-Ifs".

For anyone who does not know, I became a Type 1 Diabetic at the age of 21..overnight a lot of things changed for me- so it is a large part of any reflection. I was a very healthy 105 pounds, running several miles a day, working out and a strong relationship with God- who would of ever saw Diabetes coming under those circumstances?

Years after the diagnosis, I made some very poor choices regarding my health that held some very bad consequences for me- a couple of those being severe nerve damage (that I still deal with today) and so much damage to my body that the doctors said I would never have children.

One great thing being a Diabetic did for me, is make me eat- although it took me years to appreciate that. I had to embrace food and eating the right ways. I could no longer survive on 5-10 Ritz crackers a day. If I was going to exercise, it had to be planned around testing my blood sugar and eating. I did resist following the "proper diet", and it almost killed me...literally.

I found myself wondering where I would be if not for the Diabetes? For the first time, probably ever, I found myself ever-so-slightly appreciating becoming a Diabetic. I know this goes against a lot of things taught in Christianity, but just hear where I am coming from.

I kind of think I would still be dealing with an eating disorder if I was not a diabetic. Even after becoming a Diabetic I slipped into a "Diabetic eating disorder" (when blood sugars go high you lose weight) which almost killed me from the ages of 25-27. It took that to force me to take my health seriously. I am healthier now in a lot of ways than I was before becoming a Diabetic.

IF I was still dealing with eating disorders, I probably would not be surrounded by these 2 beautiful little girls who call me Mom- the best title ever. The determination to have children became stronger than ever after the doctors told me it would probably never happen.

Would I love to not test my blood sugar several times a day? YES! Would I love to not have to walk around/sleep with my constant fashion accessory and best friend the insulin pump? YES and YES! Would I love to avoid low blood sugars causing me to be very mean and ugly? YES! Would I love to not have to explain to my 6 & 4 year old how to take care of me and call 9-1-1 if I pass out and/or act strangely? YES!

But, in a certain way becoming a Diabetic kind of saved my life and became a "gift". It's a big deal for me to smile when I think of Diabetes and not be angry and bitter screaming "WHY?" I still pray and hope for a cure and for a miracle- but in the wait I can embrace Diabetes a little bit.