Mommy Confessions Series & My "Guest Post"

My friend Annette, of Bleubird Diary, joined me on my "Mommy Confessions" questions and asked me to answer my own questions so she could post them on her Blog. A few weeks back, Annette was kind enough to give us her own "Mommy Confession" on here. 

It was So FUN now to do my first guest post with her! She is also going to do her own series on the questions having some of her friends and members answer them.

My initial objective in doing these "Mommy Confession" was to help all of us Mom's understand each other better, give and take encouragement, value others opinions and methods (whether we agreed or not) and to be challenged- maybe to change or maybe to stand stronger.

Several of the Mom's who answered these questions told me how difficult they were- and after having to answer them for myself, they WERE! Really made me think...almost too much. Although it was fun and I was honored to have Annette post my answers and to run with her own series of Mommy Confessions.

I invite you to jump on over to Bleubird Diary and take a look at my Guest Post. While you are there, take a look at Annette's other posts and subscribe to her Blog- you wont be sorry. Annette has a special talent writing from the heart that leaves you with a smile.

Having said all of that, I am going to post all of the links to my "Mommy Confession Series". If there is one you missed, head over and read it. Mom's shared form every walk of life and so many different perspectives. I still have a couple more I will be posting a bit down the road so keep your eye out.

Mommy Confession Series:

A REAL Mom Living In The Moment: Martha

Chelsey: A REAL Housewife of Glenwood Springs

Joanne: The Mommy Monster

Sandi: SuperWoman At Her Best

Rachel: Chosen To Be A Mom

Joelle: A Praying Mom

Eva: A Real Mom of Incredible Faith

Angela: A Mom Continuing To Grow

Elizabeth: Dreams Come True x2

Annette: True Love Conquers ALL

Tarah: Honesty Is The Best Policy

Stephanie: Determined To Be A Mom

Lanee: Ice Cream In The Shower, Gotta Do Whatcha Gotta Do

Angie: A Mom Restored

Jenn: Failing Mommy Perfectionist

Day 4: Time To Let "The MESS" GO!

Before (or after) you read this, you may want to take a look at: What Do You Expect?, then Day 1: Giving Up Control, A Little Bit, then Day 2: Stressing My Kids, then Day 3: Was This A Good Idea?. It will all just make a little more sense.

The Living Room

HALLELUJAH! Today is CLEANING day! My house is going back to being in order, neat, clean and organized! My girls are having mixed feelings about it- they are tired of their mess, but not sure if they are tired enough of it to want to clean it up. OH WELL!

Let me recap. I have been at my wits end for a couple of weeks of my girls avoiding cleaning up, and my constant reminding, nagging, yelling and screaming of reminders to do so. I am a bit of a controlling neat freak, and like everything put in it's place before the day ends (it's wonderful waking up to a clean house). I had a crazy idea to relinquish my control and allow my 2 girls to make the decisions, for 3 days, as to what they would and would not clean up. My objective was to learn their preferences, hopefully teach them an appreciation for a neat house and to also help me realize the world will not fall off of it's axis if I am not in control.

Yesterday was difficult for me, because the girls began to move the mess into the living room at an alarming rate. There has been toys in the living room over the past couple of days, but the bulk remained in their bedroom. I believe they ran out of room to make a mess in their bedroom, so the most logical thing would be  to expand into the living room. There was no looking past the mess, it greeted you at every turn (you should of seen Lupe's face when he arrived home).

Last night, the end of Day 3, we had a bit of a breakdown.

As the late afternoon approached, I tried to subtly remind the girls of the night before (Tenly sleeping in her bed was impossible because of the toys) and that tonight, there would be no getting up to clean after they were in 'bed'. I kept prodding them to think about their choices before it was too late.

They would have a "meeting" and decide that they would clean up some...later. Well, later never came (what a shocker).

Suddenly, Tenly is crying. When I asked what the problem was, she explained that she realized it was starting to get dark out and that meant bed time was coming and she didn't want her bed and her room to be a mess at bed time.

(insert another "Hallelujah Chorus" here)

I calmed her down and tried to reassure her she still had time to clean up whatever she felt like needed to be before bed time got here.

"BUT Mommy- I want to watch a show before bed time!!", she dramatically  cried.

"Well, I guess next time you will make a better choice.", I said as she pushed her lips out in one of the poutiest faces ever!

Needless to say, she did appreciate my response. She cried the whole time muttering all of the reasons this was making her angry as she quickly cleaned up everything (although not nearly enough) she saw necessary.

After Tenly finished, she and Gia came and sat on the floor in my room all calmed down and very relieved that they would both be sleeping in their beds that night.

Tenly said, "Mommy, I'm sorry I was so sad- I just really don't like looking at that mess when it's time to go to bed."

My response (HUGE teachable moment), "Do you understand now why Mommy asks you to put things away when your done playing with them? If you do that, there is no big messes at the end of the day- just a little one."

Gianna said, "Little messes are much better than big messes. I don't like big messes."

"Do you know what Mommy learned?", I asked. "I learned, that big messes are okay sometimes, especially when you are using your smart brains to use your imagination and be creative. I also learned, that if I get angry, I need to take a deep breath and talk to you- not yell. AND, I will remind you one time to help you remember what you are suppose to be doing- but only one time."

"So, two times is okay- but more than two times- we will be disciplined." Gianna reassured me. Tenly agreed with, "That's a deal, Mommy."

My girls have enjoyed the past few days not having to be told at all to clean up, but I think even they are ready to have a presentable home again. Tenly said this morning as we were making our "Clean Up List", "Mommy, we have to clean up because I can not let my friends come to our house when it's a mess. This is disgusting!" (insert another "Hallelujah Chorus" paired with my Happy Dance)

We made our list, the girls were quite detailed and I am a very proud Momma who is going to revel in the cleaning process ALL day long! Thank You Jesus, for giving me a teachable heart and the ability to endure!

Day 3: Was This A Good Idea?

Before reading this post, you may want to first read: "What Do You Expect?" Then, "Day1: Giving Up Control, A Little Bit." Then, "Day 2: Stressing My Kids?" It may make a little more sense with the back story to this "experiment".

Was this a good idea? That question kept rolling through my head as I tripped/jumped/avoided toys, markers, crayons, books and  paper spread all over my house. I avoided going into Tenly and Gianna's bedroom to much- they played so nice all day- but I knew with that was coming a tripling of "the mess". 
They sounded so cute, so at one point I went in to see what they were up to- oooohhh my! 
"WOW", I said when I walked in to see Tenly's bed covered with what seemed like every toy they owned. The sting of "the mess" did fade as they both excitedly told me what they were doing. "Mommy, come and take ride with us on our boat raft that we made! We have food to eat, books to read, food for the fish, sharks and alligators, even lotion so we don't get too much sun- aren't we using our smart brains?!" It quickly became a picture of a vivid imagination instead of "the mess"- how can one (me) be overwhelmed by that?

The day and "the mess" went by a bit easier after that moment- of course with the help of ironing, laundry, and cleaning the bathrooms.

By the end of the day as the girls were taking their bath, I took the opportunity to do a walk through surveying the state of our home and "the mess". I was proud that I was less overwhelmed and started to think of how I would approach "the clean up" on Thursday. I knew it was going to be overwhelming- but that was another teachable opportunity- if we clean up as we go every day (I will leave out "quickly without being reminded"- learning patience and endurance) it is not as much and we don't end up crabby and overwhelmed. I think we will make a list together of what we need to do and break it up during the day. Anyway, I am getting ahead of myself...

As I stared at the mess in their bedroom (the living room was not even a thought after looking at it), I started imagining what bed time was going to look like with the mountain of toys still on Tenly's bed. I decided that 
just in case they would choose to want to clean it up, I would start the bed time process a little early. 


"How am I going to sleep?" was Tenly's immediate response after staring at her bed.
 I had thought of what my response would be earlier (was not totally convinced it was the right one, but I gave it a shot), "I don't know honey, you guys chose not to clean up after playing- you have a few minutes before it's time to go to sleep- what do you want to do?"
"MOMMY, YOU are suppose to tell us to clean up!", Tenly said with her hands on her hips.
Gianna agreed with her hands also on her hips.
I explained, "No, remember- it is all you and Gianna's decisions until Thursday what you do and do not want to clean up. So, what do you want to do."
Tenly asked, "We get to decide now, too?" I nodded. "I don't think I want to clean up, I will just sleep on the floor."

OH, my heart! I calmed my OCD nerves as I agreed to let her sleep on the floor. Tenly quickly gathered her pillow and blanket and piled it on the floor next to Gianna's bed (which had no toys). We prayed, I dispersed kisses on their heads and left the room with a bit of a heavy heart. I was convinced that my "big idea" was accomplishing absolutely nothing. I realized I was going to have to come to grips with the fact that deep down my girls were the unthinkable....MESSY!


As I was typing at the computer, Tenly comes to me about 15 minutes after I had tucked them in. She looked very pitiful as she told me she didn't know what to do. I asked her what was wrong, and with tears rolling down her cheeks she said, "I miss my bed and I don't like that mess, I MISS MY BED!!" At this point, the Hallelujah chorus was resounding in my head! I explained that they had made a choice and it was past their bed time, it was to late to clean up now. She continued to cry and declare she missed and needed her bed. Okay, just so you don't think I am a heartless Mom with no compassion, yes, she was breaking my heart. SO, I gave her and Gia 10 minutes to get her bed cleaned off, no playing, and back in their beds. Here comes the exceptional part....

I expected them to both just throw all of the toys on the floor, obviously this would be the fastest and easiest short term solution. Then I hear Gianna tell Tenly, "Tenly, let's put it all in the right places really fast. Bring me the stuff in the closet and I will put it in the right place." Tenly responds with, "Good idea Gianna, then it will be all done when we wake up." Music to my ears, another Hallelujah chorus echoed through the house, and I did do a little happy dance (when they weren't looking).

My girls cleaned up that mess in record time, not even one little break to talk or play- THAT is impressive! Towards the end of the clean up I heard Tenly say to Gianna, "Gianna, we did it, we did it! We are the fastest cleaners ever!" Ten minutes after they began, I tucked Tenly into her bed with her Monkey Boy and she said, "Thanks Mommy, I love my bed."

The night ended very well. We have all learned something through this little experiment, and I think it has been well worth it. Even Lupe said last night that he cannot wait to have the house back to normal. As much as I have learned, Thursday is going to be a very  happy clean up day!

Oh, No She Didn't....

Touchy topic! As Mom's, we have our standards, rules, and our major pet peeves God help the person who crosses any of them at the wrong (or any) moment.

The other day the whole family went to the library, we also had the baby girl I baby-sit with us. It came time for us to go and check out our HUGE stack of books. I tend to always use the self-check out because I am too impatient to wait in line for the slow library workers (kind of rude, I'm working on it). While Lupe and I were getting all of the books checked out, I instructed my girls to sit on the floor beside me with the baby carrier to wait, and they did so nicely. My "Mommy Alert" (you know, that chilling feeling when the hair stands up on the back of your neck because you know you just heard/saw something inappropriately directed towards your children) went off as I heard, "You girls need to get off of that floor, it's very dirty and you should not be sitting on it!" Hahahaha (in an evil tone), I know that lady was just talking to my kids (who were sitting perfectly criss-cross-applesauce and VERY quiet). My kind response was, "It's okay, and they are doing exactly what I asked them to." What I really wanted to say? "Would you rather them standing up jumping, running, swinging off of the dividers like the others?" or "Maybe you should talk to the library about cleaning their carpets rather than correcting children who need no correction?" or "Thank You, but they have a Mom and it's not YOU!" I know, not very Christian of me- aren't you glad I gave her my first response? Which of course she said, "Well, these floors are really dirty and..." which is where I stopped listening and turned away (for her sake and mine).

Now, don't get me wrong- there are times that I welcome someone to step in: when a child is in danger, clearly breaking a rule or needs some type of help. But, when a parent is very present and the children are being of no problem to anyone- I think you may cross the line.

Wouldn't it be more appropriate, to go up to the parent and say quietly, "I just wanted to let you know that these floors aren't the cleanest just in case you were concerned about that type of thing..”? We teach our children not to talk to (or listen to) strangers universally, yet a stranger steps in to correct a child who is doing no wrong in front of a parent.

I remember one time picking up Tenly from school; you only walked up the sidewalk to get them- you did not have to go inside. Gianna was asleep, I did not want to wake her- so I did the unthinkable- I let her sleep in the car as I walked up the sidewalk (our car had key-less start up, so I did not leave the keys in). I did get "reprimanded" for doing that by one of the school workers. She nicely explained to me what I already knew, but obviously needed reminding of. It's not fun being corrected as a Mom, but done in the right manner and circumstances it can be a much needed and welcomed learning experience that will bring change and better parenting. Let's just say, I have never since left my child in the car- key-less start up or not.

Maybe I am to sensitive, or maybe I should be more concerned with dirty floors than I am (they are kids, 75% of what they do has to do with some type of germs or dirt). But, I do not appreciate another person (especially one I do not know) correcting my children- especially for being obedient to their Mother. As much as I would think this is common sense, it apparently isn't.

Believe me, I have moments when I see kids doing something and it takes everything in me not to take them up to their parent and yell, "Have you lost your mind? How could you allow...!!!" But, I know my place and that isn't it! I will be the first to step in and help a child in need and given the opportunity have a word or two with the parent.

A couple weeks ago, I took the girls and I had a play-date with a friend and her kids and we took them all to the pool. While there, another little girl kind of attached herself to our group and we all welcomed her. She had no floaties/life jacket on, so I assumed she could swim- that is until she stepped off the steps and went under. I quickly grabbed her up and back on the steps, I then asked where her family was and she said they were inside playing paddleball. Ummm, excuse me!? What kind of parent leaves a child who cannot swim unattended...and without any type of safety device!!?? What would have happened if I hadn't been standing there? Believe me, my friend and I were about to come unglued at someone being so irresponsible with their child, their most precious gift. Yes, that would be a time (and was) for words to be said- kindly, of course.

Enough rambling! Obviously, this is a major pet-peeve of mine! I respect "parenting boundaries" and would hope that others would do the same. Since this is probably not the last time it will happen, I need to continue to pray that God would help grace to abound from me...something else I am continuing to work on, lol!

Oh, The Mess!

The "play-date" mess picture I posted.

The other day, my girls had their friends Lexi and Audrey come over for a play-date after Kidz Camp at church. They were beyond excited, I was going over the list of rules which the four of them agreed to with pleasure!
At the end of the play date, I posted a picture on Facebook of the "damage" our little apartment suffered at the hands of four little girls "creativity". I was honestly a bit shocked at many of my friends reaction to the picture...but, let me back up for a minute...

When my girls were much younger, they frequently made a huge mess- much bigger than the other day. My friend, Annette (who has children the same age as mine), shared with me an article she had read that encouraged parents to allow a modge podge (not to enforce the "one thing out at a time" rule) of all different toys to be played with at the same time because it fosters creativity. After thinking about it, I totally agreed and embraced the huge mess of toys that began to encompass my house daily. My Mom to this day says she was always so proud- and shocked- of my allowing this to happen.

I didn't mind the mess as long as it came with the understanding that they would also clean it up. When they were younger, I of course would help clean it up- but insisted they be right along side me doing it. As they were older, I naturally expected them to do more with less enforcement. Well, let's just say as I starting getting more resistance instead of compliance- I drew the line! I was all for creativity, but not at my expense and sanity every day!

Yes, I am one of "those Mom's" who insists that everything is put away in it's proper place before anyone is in bed every day. Yes, I even pull them out of bed if it's not done right.  My girls are at the age that I do expect them to care for, take care of, and put away there things in an orderly fashion. So, we now implement the "only one thing out at a time" rule. They actually have grown to appreciate it now, because it only takes them minutes to clean up instead of an hour (with constant reminders of "clean up", "get busy", and "you only have 5 minutes left" in their ear). I do have the same expectations of myself, I do not get into bed until everything is cleaned up and put away- neither does Lupe (poor man, lol).
So, back to my picture the other day. I had a few people comment on the picture "that's nothing" or "that's how my house looks every day"- which gave me a little laugh. The next day, I was speaking to my friends Joanne and Joelle- I had an "aha" moment which I feel kind of stupid about, lol.

They were both telling me how they laughed at the picture also because, "that's nothing" they said. Apparently, I am not grouped in the group of "typical Mom's with typical expectations". They informed me that there are times they cannot even walk in their kids bedrooms because of all the stuff everywhere, it is common to wake up to a sink full of dishes, it is common to leave the house with unmade beds, etc. 
Don't get me wrong, I knew that there were Mom's who went day to day like this- but I really didn't realize that it was more the norm than what my "norm" is. I asked other Mom's later that day how they ran there households and what there expectations were. There were a couple who were like me, some fell in between, but 7 Mom's out of the 11 I asked were more laid back like my friends, Joanne and Joelle.

Not that one is right or one is wrong. Sometimes I wish I could just roll with the punches and make other things the priority- but I just can't do it! I do realize it all comes down to balance, my friends tell me they wish  they could be more like me as I am wishing I could be a little more like them.
I say all of that to say this: So, many things are a matter of perspective, awareness, and a willingness to learn and change. This silly little "Aha Moment" I had,has made me want to reach out to others for their perspective because I have a willingness to learn and perhaps make changes. I have some Mom's who have so graciously told their stories and answered questions. It has been so intriguing to see other points of view. I will be honest, there are are certain idea's that I firmly believe in as a Mom- well, reading about a different perspective on those ideas, I now understand much better why Mom's choose to be that way.

I remember when all of Tenly's toys fit in this box!

I hope you enjoy reading and learning from other Mom's, as I know I will, over the next few weeks.

Failure

I have let that word control me way to much, "Failure".

Of course, being me, I analyzed it (many times) trying to figure out why I am controlled by a fear of failing. I believe I discovered one of the main reasons it is so hard for me take a chance.

Now, I have always been eager to please, always searching for approval, when you add a situation is viewed as a "fail"- the result is quite a handicap.

Back in 1992 is what I have allowed to haunt and control me. I was in my Junior year of High School, and I had worked very hard that year to pull my GPA up (I had been a lazy student prior). The second part of my Junior year became difficult- at home and church. I pretty much sunk into a depression because of some very difficult situations my whole family- especially my parents, were facing. I have always taken it upon myself to protect my parents, it's kind of comical that I've done that. So, as I watched my parents crushed and crying on every turn- I took it very personally and allowed myself to carry it. Then, after a visit to the dentist, I had an allergic reaction to Demerol. They could not wake me up, after I finally did- I passed out and went into a seizure. They would not allow me back at school without a clearance from the doctor.

Well, these things combined caused me to miss to many days of school (14 days)- which we had to appeal- and were denied (which meant I had to repeat the 11th grade). I remember reading that letter, I sat down and just cried- and then I gave up. It was like I didn't have any more fight left in me- and my parents didn't either. I was so angry, my grades may not have always been the best- but they were that year, and I had never even had a detention or anything. I told my parents I wanted to drop out and get my GED. After many discussions, they agreed- I was pretty adamant and I don't think my parents had it in them to "combat" me.

The hardest part then was, I was terrified to get my GED- what if I didn't pass? I was a pretty good student, but I had to work very hard for my grades- and me and math absolutely did NOT get along. It took me 3 years to finally take that test- which I did pass.

I was 20 years old before I finally got my drivers license. I drove without a license all of that time. Why? I just new I would not pass and could not face that. One day, my friend Jimmy came into my office at work and told me that the following week I was going to take my driving test in his car so we better start practicing. Well, we did and I walked away with my license that day. I was honestly shocked that I passed the test- I really was!

There are so many times that I want to offer advice or give an idea, but am paralyzed that people will think I am stupid. Sometimes I take the chance, but mostly I feel, "..why bother, they aren't going to think it's any good?" I know I am talented in certain area's, but what if I am the only one who thinks so, while everyone else out there feels bad "for the girl who thinks she has talent, but really doesn't".

I became very sick many years ago, as I finally began to recover I took it as the perfect opportunity to go to college- something else I had so desperately wanted but was very fearful of. I really enjoyed it, except for being reminded of how bad I was at math/science, I mean bad- really bad! I finally went to my academic advisor (forever indebted to Dr. Matousik) who personally tutored me. About 3 sessions in, he looked at me and said, "Jenn, you are not stupid, you have a learning disability." He continued to ask if I ever had been tested/diagnosed- I hadn't. It brought me some comfort to have him say this to me, but I also became overwhelmed by the fact that I was again failing.

Opportunity, that is what I often tell others that failure is, an opportunity to learn and do better. Funny that I fail to follow my own advice. I envy the people I know/see, who plunge ahead with the thought to succeed instead of the idea of failing. Not that they are not aware of the risks, but they are not controlled by them, it's worth chancing failure because they are also chancing success- and even if they fail they can value the experience and the education.

About 2 weeks ago, God gave me a great idea. I was so excited about it. But, then I realized that it was going to be like every other "great idea" I've ever had- just an idea. There are many times I have thought of something I'd like to try/do- but then as I weigh it out thinking of the details- I become overwhelmed with the thought that I will just fail- so why try!? In a way, not trying is failure without the option of success.

I began to wonder if I was going to continue following my trend, or if I was going to begin to at least try. It's a big idea- and I'm still trying to figure out the logistics of how to accomplish it. The fact that I am subjecting myself to executives who may look at me and tell me it is not a good idea is overwhelming. BUT, what if after a few "No's" is a "Yes"- who knows, maybe I will get an immediate "Yes".

So, here I am, putting myself out there, subjecting myself to not just failure- but success. It's going to take some work and determination and time- but I am going to try. Many friends will probably get some phone calls from me for advice, help, and encouragement, so this is your warning. I am taking a chance, and am hoping to rediscover many strengths that I have lost along my way.