Me + New Project= Accountability......

I have been avoiding writing this post. As I am finding myself heading in a new, scary, unknown direction, it is time for me to write about it. The only problem is, my fear of failure. There are not very many people who know about my little project I've been working on- and that has been comforting. If people do not know about it, I will only be considered a failure to myself and a few others IF I do not succeed. On the other hand, if I put myself out there and let everyone know what I'm doing- I am able to accept encouragement, advice, and am allowing to be accountable when the times get rough and I'm discouraged. Is the possibility there that I wont be successful? Sure. Is the possibility there that I  will be successful? Sure.

The things that roll through my mind are questions like: What if people laugh at me for even considering such a task? What if no one believes in me? What if I do all this work with NO success? Am I even able to take on something this big? What if everyone I approach rolls their eyes at me? What if no one helps? What if no one cares? What if this really is a stupid idea and I can't see it and no one tells me??????? The list goes on....

The part that excites me, is that despite those and other questions- I am going to do it anyway. 

For the past 6 weeks or so, I have begun writing a book. Now, let me clarify- not any type of story or anything like that (that truly terrifies me)- but a resource guide. What type of resource guide? I'm so glad you asked!A resource guide for Moms in the South Florida area. Listing everything "Mom's"- from freebies, activities, parks (did you know there about 500+ parks in Broward County alone!), schools, home schooling, mom groups, sports leagues, links, education, etc.

When we moved to this area, I looked for a resource such as this to help us adapt to our new home and area- and didn't really find anything. Thank God I found myself in a Mom's Group at Community Christian Church where the other Mom's were able to recommend doctors, parks, and many things to do in the community and surrounding areas.

Within the last 6 weeks of research, I have discovered SO much stuff in the South Florida area that I am excited to try out and tell other moms in the about.

The literary field is very intimidating and the more I learn, the more intimidated I get- kind of like a Chihuahua being stared down by a Bull Dog. The only thing that qualifies me for this task I am taking on is being a Mom- although that in itself is a lot of qualifications, it still leaves me feeling like I'm drowning and overwhelmed at times.

A wonderful friend gave me some great ideas on some ways to gather more information and put it out there. So, I am going to be starting another blog (as soon as I have an afternoon to get the many pieces together) to tell people about all these wonderful paces I am discovering and laying the ground work to compile the information into a great resource guide.

I am going to ask a HUGE favor....I need everyone possible to follow this blog- even if you don't read it much- pass it along to others after you sign up to follow it! It would really help me as I begin the process of developing a proposal to contact/speak to literary agents and publishers. Please keep your eyes out for the new upcoming "mom blog"- I need you to follow that one, too!!! That's right, I'm resorting to begging.

This blog is going to be changing a bit- I really want to begin telling the stories of other moms and women out there to have a variety of perspectives on many things. So, if you have something that be relevant to another mom or family- message me. I have a whole list of mom's already who I am going to be contacting to give perspectives on things!

Hold me Accountable- I need you to! I can do this- with God's help, and I am going to try my absolute hardest.

Failure

I have let that word control me way to much, "Failure".

Of course, being me, I analyzed it (many times) trying to figure out why I am controlled by a fear of failing. I believe I discovered one of the main reasons it is so hard for me take a chance.

Now, I have always been eager to please, always searching for approval, when you add a situation is viewed as a "fail"- the result is quite a handicap.

Back in 1992 is what I have allowed to haunt and control me. I was in my Junior year of High School, and I had worked very hard that year to pull my GPA up (I had been a lazy student prior). The second part of my Junior year became difficult- at home and church. I pretty much sunk into a depression because of some very difficult situations my whole family- especially my parents, were facing. I have always taken it upon myself to protect my parents, it's kind of comical that I've done that. So, as I watched my parents crushed and crying on every turn- I took it very personally and allowed myself to carry it. Then, after a visit to the dentist, I had an allergic reaction to Demerol. They could not wake me up, after I finally did- I passed out and went into a seizure. They would not allow me back at school without a clearance from the doctor.

Well, these things combined caused me to miss to many days of school (14 days)- which we had to appeal- and were denied (which meant I had to repeat the 11th grade). I remember reading that letter, I sat down and just cried- and then I gave up. It was like I didn't have any more fight left in me- and my parents didn't either. I was so angry, my grades may not have always been the best- but they were that year, and I had never even had a detention or anything. I told my parents I wanted to drop out and get my GED. After many discussions, they agreed- I was pretty adamant and I don't think my parents had it in them to "combat" me.

The hardest part then was, I was terrified to get my GED- what if I didn't pass? I was a pretty good student, but I had to work very hard for my grades- and me and math absolutely did NOT get along. It took me 3 years to finally take that test- which I did pass.

I was 20 years old before I finally got my drivers license. I drove without a license all of that time. Why? I just new I would not pass and could not face that. One day, my friend Jimmy came into my office at work and told me that the following week I was going to take my driving test in his car so we better start practicing. Well, we did and I walked away with my license that day. I was honestly shocked that I passed the test- I really was!

There are so many times that I want to offer advice or give an idea, but am paralyzed that people will think I am stupid. Sometimes I take the chance, but mostly I feel, "..why bother, they aren't going to think it's any good?" I know I am talented in certain area's, but what if I am the only one who thinks so, while everyone else out there feels bad "for the girl who thinks she has talent, but really doesn't".

I became very sick many years ago, as I finally began to recover I took it as the perfect opportunity to go to college- something else I had so desperately wanted but was very fearful of. I really enjoyed it, except for being reminded of how bad I was at math/science, I mean bad- really bad! I finally went to my academic advisor (forever indebted to Dr. Matousik) who personally tutored me. About 3 sessions in, he looked at me and said, "Jenn, you are not stupid, you have a learning disability." He continued to ask if I ever had been tested/diagnosed- I hadn't. It brought me some comfort to have him say this to me, but I also became overwhelmed by the fact that I was again failing.

Opportunity, that is what I often tell others that failure is, an opportunity to learn and do better. Funny that I fail to follow my own advice. I envy the people I know/see, who plunge ahead with the thought to succeed instead of the idea of failing. Not that they are not aware of the risks, but they are not controlled by them, it's worth chancing failure because they are also chancing success- and even if they fail they can value the experience and the education.

About 2 weeks ago, God gave me a great idea. I was so excited about it. But, then I realized that it was going to be like every other "great idea" I've ever had- just an idea. There are many times I have thought of something I'd like to try/do- but then as I weigh it out thinking of the details- I become overwhelmed with the thought that I will just fail- so why try!? In a way, not trying is failure without the option of success.

I began to wonder if I was going to continue following my trend, or if I was going to begin to at least try. It's a big idea- and I'm still trying to figure out the logistics of how to accomplish it. The fact that I am subjecting myself to executives who may look at me and tell me it is not a good idea is overwhelming. BUT, what if after a few "No's" is a "Yes"- who knows, maybe I will get an immediate "Yes".

So, here I am, putting myself out there, subjecting myself to not just failure- but success. It's going to take some work and determination and time- but I am going to try. Many friends will probably get some phone calls from me for advice, help, and encouragement, so this is your warning. I am taking a chance, and am hoping to rediscover many strengths that I have lost along my way.

Resolution or No Resolution?

Today is New Years Eve of 2012 (and we are obviously not partying)!! I began thinking about what I was expecting in the next year, which brought me into thinking about New Years Resolutions.  IF I was going to make a resolution, what would it be?? Then I started to wonder, have I ever kept a New Years Resolution? Has anyone? I'm sure there is a percentage who has- but if you weren't going to change it yesterday, what makes you think you'll change it today. Like when people say, "..on MONDAY I'm starting my diet..", well- why not just do it today? Does that make sense? I'm not innocent, believe me- I have made that comment, and more, many many times!
But, there are some things I'd like to change, some things I'd like to accomplish, some things I'd like to improve on, and some new habits I'd like to establish. If I were to put all of those things on a New Years Resolution list, I would go into 2013 a failure- heck, I'd go into March 2012 a failure!

I am only 5 pounds away from my goal weight, so I can't use that one this time (for the first time in 8 years)! I really do want to work on/at something, I am having a hard time narrowing it down- but I must!

For Instance:

• I want to (and have for a long time) run a 5k!!

With all reality, we will more than likely be moving in the next few weeks and with the energy packing, moving, unpacking will take- I don't know if I will have the energy to kick that one off until mid-February or March.

• I want my girls to see my pray and read my Bible.

Not that I don't, but they are typically not around when I do. I think a major impact is made when children visualize (and then imitate) what they see. That's something that I can and will do- but it shouldn't take me making a New Years Resolution to kick that off.

• I've been wanting to do a Biblical Study on the Names of God.

Again, does it really take a New Years Resolution to cause that to  happen? That's something that once I start, it will drive itself.

• I want to start making more individualized time for my family.

Lupe and I can't really afford to do a lot of "dates" lately, but that shouldn't stop us! I need to cook a special dinner/dessert for us after the girls go to bed, or a movie on TV, a game night, a "Staycation", etc. The same for the girls, I want to set aside time to do special things that are individualized and specific- it doesn't take a lot to make my girls day, even more of a reason to make it happen.

• I want to be a better friend.

Going over and beyond the "call of duty". A handwritten note- not an email/facebook one, a just because phone call, little gifts and such.

• I want to find my "Mt. Everest".

Have you had something you wanted to conquer? Accomplish? Something major you had to work toward? I am talking about the type of thing that is life changing- not just for you, but for everyone in your life. Something that defines you and gives direction- not just for you but for everyone around you. I want to make a difference, do something that is bigger than myself- not just for me, but to impact everyone around me- my "Mt. Everest"!
I remember a friend I had awhile back, he helped to walk me through a very difficult time many years ago. He told me about a situation he was facing that he could not get away from. One day he was straight up tired and exhausted from fighting it. He began to tell me how he turned all the lights off in his room, laid down on the floor with nothing but his Bible and began to pray. The first thing out of his mouth was, "God, I'm not leaving this room until this situation is gone... I will not let go until it's completely done..". By the time he left that room, God had taken care of the entire situation, and he was free.

I kind of feel like that going into 2012, "God, I will not let go until you accomplish ____in me!".That, of course, is going to depend much on myself. What is that saying?- What you put into it, is what you're going to take out of it.
I'm not sure what, if any, of those things I listed will be focused on in making my "New Years Resolution". But, I am determined to be stronger and more established- in God, my Faith, my Family- as a Mother and Wife, my home, in "Me".
The Best is Yet To Come in 2012.