What If....

I have been wanting to post all week! But, some other commitments took priority and have kept me VERY busy! With that behind me, here I go...

I am writing on the other side of my 38th Birthday! Yay, Happy Birthday to me! It was a strange Birthday this year, I am suddenly realizing how close I am to 40...and it is very strange. It isn't depressing, sad or anything...just strange. Do you remember when 40 was old? I do! I remember my parents turning 40, and (sorry Mom & Dad)- but I do remember thinking how old they were, lol.

For many this feeling came a bit at 30, but 30 was a wonderful milestone for me! I married the man of my dreams at 30, so that foreshadowed any type of negative feelings. Very shortly after, I became pregnant after being told that would be medically impossible. So, the beginning of my 30's were some of the best parts of my life.

My Birthday this year had me reflecting a bit. You know, some of the "What-Ifs".

For anyone who does not know, I became a Type 1 Diabetic at the age of 21..overnight a lot of things changed for me- so it is a large part of any reflection. I was a very healthy 105 pounds, running several miles a day, working out and a strong relationship with God- who would of ever saw Diabetes coming under those circumstances?

Years after the diagnosis, I made some very poor choices regarding my health that held some very bad consequences for me- a couple of those being severe nerve damage (that I still deal with today) and so much damage to my body that the doctors said I would never have children.

One great thing being a Diabetic did for me, is make me eat- although it took me years to appreciate that. I had to embrace food and eating the right ways. I could no longer survive on 5-10 Ritz crackers a day. If I was going to exercise, it had to be planned around testing my blood sugar and eating. I did resist following the "proper diet", and it almost killed me...literally.

I found myself wondering where I would be if not for the Diabetes? For the first time, probably ever, I found myself ever-so-slightly appreciating becoming a Diabetic. I know this goes against a lot of things taught in Christianity, but just hear where I am coming from.

I kind of think I would still be dealing with an eating disorder if I was not a diabetic. Even after becoming a Diabetic I slipped into a "Diabetic eating disorder" (when blood sugars go high you lose weight) which almost killed me from the ages of 25-27. It took that to force me to take my health seriously. I am healthier now in a lot of ways than I was before becoming a Diabetic.

IF I was still dealing with eating disorders, I probably would not be surrounded by these 2 beautiful little girls who call me Mom- the best title ever. The determination to have children became stronger than ever after the doctors told me it would probably never happen.

Would I love to not test my blood sugar several times a day? YES! Would I love to not have to walk around/sleep with my constant fashion accessory and best friend the insulin pump? YES and YES! Would I love to avoid low blood sugars causing me to be very mean and ugly? YES! Would I love to not have to explain to my 6 & 4 year old how to take care of me and call 9-1-1 if I pass out and/or act strangely? YES!

But, in a certain way becoming a Diabetic kind of saved my life and became a "gift". It's a big deal for me to smile when I think of Diabetes and not be angry and bitter screaming "WHY?" I still pray and hope for a cure and for a miracle- but in the wait I can embrace Diabetes a little bit.

This Responsibility Is NOT Fair....

This morning, I finally did it! I have been avoiding it for quite some time. Even though 6 months ago a room full of friends told me it was very important to do- I waited until today. I don't know why this has been so hard for me to do, part of me is so glad I finally did it- but most of me is just hurt and angry that I had to at all.
Today, I sat my girls down and explained to them why I have to take medicine and explained I had Diabetes (for anyone that does know, I am an insulin dependent Diabetic on an insulin pump). From the second we sat down I was holding back tears.

First, I asked them if they understood why I had to wear my medicine (insulin pump) all the time. They said no, and asked why all mommies do not have to wear medicine like me. That opened the door to explain I had Diabetes and only some mommies and daddies have that. I explained further what a pancreas is and how mine doesn't work right. At that point, I was doing pretty good- until....
As my girls stared at me wondering where we were going from there, I had to gain the strength of giving them the responsibility no child should have. I began to explain that sometimes my body gets "messed up" or "sick" and I may "fall asleep"- if they can't seem to wake me up they needed to call 9-1-1 and then call Daddy. Before our talk began, I had written down on a paper the numbers so I could hang them up in a special place.

Then it happened, I looked up and saw Tenly's lip quivering and tears. My heart fell and was crushed. I asked her what was wrong, she replied with tears running down her face, "Mommy, I don't want to do that- Please just don't get sick, don't fall asleep Mommy- I don't want to do that! I don't like it." I tried explaining certain parts again, to reassure her that it's only to help me...blah, blah, blah...what I really wanted to say is I KNOW, it's NOT fair, you should NOT have to hear or do this, it's NOT fair!
Tenly crawled up in my lap, laid her head on my shoulder and cried while I cried (I couldn't hold it in anymore) and told her how sorry I was. Gianna just wrapped her arms around both of us and told Tenly it was okay, she would be here with her and would always help. Strangely enough, that brought Tenly a lot of comfort- and created more tears for me.
We went together and hung up the paper in the pantry, and Tenly kept asking me to put it somewhere else because she doesn't like to see it. I convinced her to keep it there, and we all ate a snack.

Now, my "mood" is similar to what it was almost 16 years ago when I was labeled a Diabetic on insulin with a "dead" pancreas. I was beyond angry- I was straight up pissed off. My mom brought me my Bible in the hospital, I put it on the other side of the room and refused to read it for days. The only talking I did to God was more like yelling, accusations, and questioning His existence. After awhile, I let go of it..a little...it honestly took me years and almost death, to truly let go of it all.

So, here I am...don't worry...I'm not going to allow myself to be controlled by circumstances again. I learned 12 years ago to trust when I don't understand and to let all of these opportunities in my life to be used in making me stronger and to help others.

I will never be okay with my little girls holding this responsibility, but I also realize that other parents have had to have conversations that held a much worse ending. My girls are fine, and I have to hold onto the fact that our little talk was necessary (whether I like it or not), it could change a circumstance(whether I like it or not), it will make them stronger (whether I like it or not), and they are/will be thankful for that talk one day (whether I like it or not).
I will stop typing now (and hopefully stop crying), I am going to pray and let go of hurt and anger so that it will never have the opportunity to take my heart or my life again........................