Learning From 1st Graders

My oldest daughter, Tenly, has started going to a new school this year for First grade. It has been wonderful to have her friend, Lexi- my friend Joanne's daughter- in her class. Because they are going to a charter school, it is about a 10-15 minute drive from our home- UGH!

Joanne and I are so lucky to live near each other and be able to carpool- so we pick Lexi up and take them to school and Joanne brings the girls home!

We have all been amazed, and amused, by the girl's conversations during the car rides to and from school. There was a conversation that took place last week that I stood out and made me proud of these 2 young ladies.

Gianna, my youngest, loves to tag along to drop the girls off for school and on this particular day decided to bring one of her leap frog writing games along. When Lexi hopped in the car, she and Gia started playing together with it.

Well, it didn't take long for Tenly to start feeling upset that Lexi was not giving her the attention that she felt she deserved. She kept trying to lure Lexi over to focus on her, when it did not work Tenly began to pout and cry.

I tried to explain to her that she needed to relax and join in on what Lexi and Gianna were doing. She refused, and I just left it alone for her to work out.

After a few minutes of hearing Tenly whine/pout/cry, Lexi very calmly tells her, "Tenly, you know how you are feeling very sad right now?"

"Y-e-s.." Tenly responded in hiccupped cries.

"Well", Lexi continued, "that's how I feel when you don't play with me at school. I play by myself sometimes and wish you would come over and play with me."

"You do?" Tenly asked.

"Yes, sometimes it makes me sad too." said Lexi.

Tenly was very concerned, "Lexi, I didn't know that. I never want to make you sad!" She looked at me not sure what to do with what she just found out. "Mommy, I never want to make Lexi sad, I didn't know she was sad."

I explained to her that it was okay that she didn't know, and then asked what she was going to do now that she did know. She told me she didn't know what to do. I could tell that it was really bothering her that she had hurt her friend unknowingly.

"Maybe next time you see Lexi playing by herself you can ask her to come play with you. And Lexi, if you are by yourself, go over to Tenly and ask if you can play with her- do you both think you could do that?" I asked.

They both responded with an excited "YES!" and then Lexi also committed to Tenly to do the same thing for her if she was ever playing alone.

A few minutes later in the middle of another conversation Tenly says, "Lexi, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, I didn't know and I want you to be happy."

Lexi responded with, "I know, Tenly- thank you for making me happy."

I was so impressed by the way Lexi communicated to Tenly how she had been feeling, how Tenly took responsibility for her actions and committed to doing her part to make it better.

This Mommy learned something from a couple of 6 year olds that morning, and was very proud!

Reliving The Past......

School never came easy for me. Even when I was in Elementary school, it never was easy for a variety of reasons. One reason was I started young, I have a September birthday, and although the teachers said I was socially above average (even then I was a social bug), I had a difficult time processing the things in my brain in order to communicate them verbally or written.

In the first grade, I had a teacher who was very hard on me. She did not seem to be able to tolerate my need for more or different instruction or direction. I never felt what I did was good enough and began to fear trying because no matter how hard I tried it wasn't good enough.

I believe everyone has the need to be praised and strive to please to some degree- some more than others- and some, like me, too much. So, when I began getting sad faces with tears drawn going down the page on my class work- I would hide them from my parents because I feared disappointing them. I also began to hide my work from my teacher in school because I would rather be in trouble for not having it done or losing it than to chance myself being marked by another sad face. I also feared asking for help, because weakness, or not understanding, was just not okay. That sad face, to me, represented an emotion of disappointment, failure, stupidity, weakness, inadequacy. I'm sure many others who were/are graded with that type of system, it probes them to try harder- which I know that's what it is intended for- but it did no such thing for me. In fact, the exact opposite, it kind of strangled me.

Mom with Tenly

My wonderful mom, has always been very intuitive, she very quickly saw how I was retreating and beginning to give up and recognized the connection it had to school. Some may find it odd and petty that I, and others, would be so strongly effected by something as "simple" as a sad face- but my mom went with that gut feeling- that mom's know so well, and decided she would fight for my self esteem, self confidence, self worth, emotions, and education. She had many meetings with the teacher trying to help her understand that this grading system was having a very bad impact on me. Things changed, but I still dreaded going to that classroom, I honestly remember absolutely dreading it- as a 6 year old. I was held back in the first grade by my parents, and finally began flourishing during my second year in 1st grade with my teacher Mrs. Lay. She went over and beyond the call of duty making sure she would do what was within her power and ability to rebuild what had been crushed. I hope I am able to thank her one day for her kindness and willingness to make a difference, and not do what was easy, but she dig deep to find what would work.

Throughout my life, I have struggled with my self confidence and still do at times. Watching myself strive for attention and being eager to please is not a trait I am proud of. Sometimes, now in my mature 30's, I find myself standing on the side lines refraining from doing something or talking to someone because I fear it will be viewed as desperation or a need for attention. Did some of this stem out of deep rooted things that came from sad faces and humiliation in the 1st grade? Maybe it didn't, but I'm pretty confident it did. You know, I was hurt- just because the mark/scar that was placed on me could not be seen, does not mean it's not there.

I'm reflecting back on these not so pleasant memories because of a little situation we faced with Tenly this past week. I actually put it in my status on Facebook and was taken aback and enlightened on the feedback from it. Tenly was given a sad face, her second one of the year (she, to my surprise, was keeping count)- and her reaction to it scared me and pained me. The pain because it hurts to see your child hurt, and scared me because I feared watching her go through what I did. It pained me so badly to see my child hurt in that way, I had to leave the room more than once to cry myself- I could feel myself reliving it. If she wouldn't have had much of a reaction to it, I would of been proud that she saw it as an opportunity to try harder. But, to my dismay, that was not the case.

Tenly shared with me that at school she cried, was very sad and did not want to go back. (Now, keep in mind, that has never been the case and she adores her teacher.) When I questioned why, she began to cry as she explained she had received a sad face, her second one, and Mrs. C was disappointed and sad with her because she could not try hard enough. I began to encourage her and explained what Mrs. C had intended by giving her that sad face, and that we just needed to continue to try hard. All she kept processing was that Mrs. C was sad with her, and her "smart brain" could not try hard enough anymore.

While doing her homework later, we struggled for her to even put anything on the paper because it might be wrong and if it was wrong she would get another sad face. It got to the point that we left it and have continued to go back and try throughout the weekend, because she just could not get past the fear of a sad face. Mind you, in times past, Mrs. C typically writes "practice at home", "work on this skill", "needs more practice", "keep trying". Tenly has always responded very well to these notes, and embraces continuing to practice or work on whatever skill necessary.

A "You CAN Do It" moment

Many people thought/think I am blowing this out of proportion and making a bigger deal out of it than it is, because I am going to ask for a conference to brainstorm with Mrs. C a more appropriate way of grading Tenly, that will encourage her rather than discourage her. And, maybe I am making a big deal out of nothing, maybe I am reacting out of the fear of what I went through as a child. But, I am going to follow in my wise mother's footsteps and ask God to guide me as I ensure Tenly will have the education she needs to make her successful.

I may be an overprotective, panicky, petty, pain-in-the-butt, erring on the side of caution, Momma- but I can live with those titles for my kids. I would always rather be over cautious than under cautious.

This Responsibility Is NOT Fair....

This morning, I finally did it! I have been avoiding it for quite some time. Even though 6 months ago a room full of friends told me it was very important to do- I waited until today. I don't know why this has been so hard for me to do, part of me is so glad I finally did it- but most of me is just hurt and angry that I had to at all.
Today, I sat my girls down and explained to them why I have to take medicine and explained I had Diabetes (for anyone that does know, I am an insulin dependent Diabetic on an insulin pump). From the second we sat down I was holding back tears.

First, I asked them if they understood why I had to wear my medicine (insulin pump) all the time. They said no, and asked why all mommies do not have to wear medicine like me. That opened the door to explain I had Diabetes and only some mommies and daddies have that. I explained further what a pancreas is and how mine doesn't work right. At that point, I was doing pretty good- until....
As my girls stared at me wondering where we were going from there, I had to gain the strength of giving them the responsibility no child should have. I began to explain that sometimes my body gets "messed up" or "sick" and I may "fall asleep"- if they can't seem to wake me up they needed to call 9-1-1 and then call Daddy. Before our talk began, I had written down on a paper the numbers so I could hang them up in a special place.

Then it happened, I looked up and saw Tenly's lip quivering and tears. My heart fell and was crushed. I asked her what was wrong, she replied with tears running down her face, "Mommy, I don't want to do that- Please just don't get sick, don't fall asleep Mommy- I don't want to do that! I don't like it." I tried explaining certain parts again, to reassure her that it's only to help me...blah, blah, blah...what I really wanted to say is I KNOW, it's NOT fair, you should NOT have to hear or do this, it's NOT fair!
Tenly crawled up in my lap, laid her head on my shoulder and cried while I cried (I couldn't hold it in anymore) and told her how sorry I was. Gianna just wrapped her arms around both of us and told Tenly it was okay, she would be here with her and would always help. Strangely enough, that brought Tenly a lot of comfort- and created more tears for me.
We went together and hung up the paper in the pantry, and Tenly kept asking me to put it somewhere else because she doesn't like to see it. I convinced her to keep it there, and we all ate a snack.

Now, my "mood" is similar to what it was almost 16 years ago when I was labeled a Diabetic on insulin with a "dead" pancreas. I was beyond angry- I was straight up pissed off. My mom brought me my Bible in the hospital, I put it on the other side of the room and refused to read it for days. The only talking I did to God was more like yelling, accusations, and questioning His existence. After awhile, I let go of it..a little...it honestly took me years and almost death, to truly let go of it all.

So, here I am...don't worry...I'm not going to allow myself to be controlled by circumstances again. I learned 12 years ago to trust when I don't understand and to let all of these opportunities in my life to be used in making me stronger and to help others.

I will never be okay with my little girls holding this responsibility, but I also realize that other parents have had to have conversations that held a much worse ending. My girls are fine, and I have to hold onto the fact that our little talk was necessary (whether I like it or not), it could change a circumstance(whether I like it or not), it will make them stronger (whether I like it or not), and they are/will be thankful for that talk one day (whether I like it or not).
I will stop typing now (and hopefully stop crying), I am going to pray and let go of hurt and anger so that it will never have the opportunity to take my heart or my life again........................