Day1: Giving Up Control, A Little Bit...

Last week was a rough week for me, I explained it a little in my post "What Do You Expect?" We have just hit a stage that I am finding myself repeating every request to my girls 3-10 times! That has left me wondering what are they and/or ME doing wrong? Are my expectations that unreasonable or are my girls just going through one of those stages that 4 and 6 year olds go through?

I had a couple people tell me that they are finding themselves in the same place and just feel like bad Mom's- that brought me comfort to know I am not alone. My friend, Eva (who did a guest post awhile back), sent me a very encouraging message. She had been there several times with her 4 boys, and survived to tell the tale. Basically, she explained and encouraged me not to allow my expectations to crush their spirits. Then my friend Rachel (who also guest posted and is finding herself in my same situation lately), sent me this little post on Facebook: 

 How great is that quote? Kind of hit me in all the right places! My sister Tara recently posted on her blog  (Destiny Driven Diva) a similar post on "Taming The She-Ra Beast" that gave me some hope.
 So, I wish I was going to say that after all of the wonderful advice and "ah-ha" moments after my "What Do You Expect" post I reevaluated and completely changed my approach. Ya, well...FAIL, big time. Yes, especially yesterday. Between Tenly losing her glasses (it's hard for a control freak like myself to not be able to find something in my perfectly controlled world), the girls again not seeming to be listening to a single thing I said- I find myself losing it...again (hours after my Pastor preached a great Word on "Yielding" and "God's Presence"- who does that...ME). After my poor husband came home and pacified me with his presence and making me some of his incredible guacamole, I made a decision or lost my mind, not sure which yet.

Day 1- Middle of Day

Decision, I am giving up a huge amount of control to my 4 & 6 year olds. I am not going to make them clean up anything for 3 days. It is up to them what is and is not put away (since this is what majority of my repeating self seems to revolve around). I really may have lost my mind here, this decision goes against every organized/ordered fiber in my being. Oh ya, another big part of this, I cannot allow myself to get angry,anxious, or overwhelmed during the process or kind of deletes the purpose.
Purpose? Why am I doing something so...crazy? I think I know why, let me give a few reasons (which I choose to change, simply because I can and I am a woman). I am hoping that they will realize and appreciate how wonderful it is to live in a clutter mess free home vs. a messy chaotic one- of course I realize this is very likely to backfire on me (Jesus help me). Also, I want to discover my girls preferences when mine are not hoovering over their heads. Are they naturally orderly and organized, are they cluttery, or- God help me- are they messy (NOOOOOOOOOOOOO). I really don't know where their tendencies lie in this area because I require them to maintain things as I do. Finally, I am stretching myself. If I can extend enough to grace to accept and function with people unlike myself outside of my family, doesn't my family deserve that same grace? I need to draw a line for myself so that I do not (further) damage a relationship with my daughters because I have smothered, rather than nurtured, their gifts.

Day 1: Middle of Day

Does this mean that I will just shut the door and allow their areas to look like a bomb hit it? Uh, NO- you all know me better than that! But, I am hoping to be able to filter things to see some things as creative and unique instead of messy and chaos.
I will post to let you know of my progress and theirs. This is going to require so much prayer for me, really! I am looking forward to growing through this process and not going crazy. 
Here is a couple of pictures of their bedroom on Day 1, about 4 hours into my experiment. Not bad, huh? I'm still smiling.....

**For an update on how the "experiment" is going:
Day 2: Stressing My Kids

We Closed One Door & Let God Open The Other

A few posts ago, I talked about my husband, Lupe's, decision to leave his current job. I had mixed feelings about it considering he did not even have a prospect of a new job in sight. But, hearing the defeated sound in his voice- I just couldn't ask him to stay. Lupe recently shared with me he regretted part of his decision. He said, he still would of called me and told me he couldn't do it anymore- but he would of waited to give his notice until he had something else- he reacted emotionally. Anyone who knows Lupe, knows he is NOT an emotional person at all- he is VERY stable- so this was a very unusual thing. Then he told me he asked God to forgive him and to help him learn from it, and then asked God to show his grace and provide a new job.

Since Lupe gave his notice- I believe it was in July- he has been fervently putting out applications at any and every opportunity. Honestly, not many responses considering how many apps he was putting out there. There were many times I had to just talk to myself, quote the Word of God to prevent myself of becoming easily overwhelmed (as I do to often).

About a month ago, Lupe received a phone call regarding an application he put in with Winn Dixie grocery store as a Culinary Director. It was an attractive position in many ways. One of the biggest perks is it is less than 10 minutes down the road vs. the 20 minute drive we now have. The position leaves room for creativity and advancement and bonuses.

After Lupe's 3rd interview, the HR director called and told him he was her pick for the job- but he had to go into another interview with some other directors and to really sell himself. She even took the time to prep him for the interview for a bit. Well, 3 interviews after that Lupe was officially offered the position and he took it. He did have to take a pay cut, but even with that- he is so excited about this job and we both have a total peace.

I told Lupe about a week ago about how much I have grown through this process. I don't wish this type of situation on anyone, but I can honestly say I am thankful for it. My faith and trust in God would not be where it is had it not been for this very difficult process! God has blessed and kept us beyond my expectations. There was even another company who was really wanting Lupe to work for them and were so disappointed when he had to inform them he had taken the other position- that was a nice little bonus!!

We've questioned our decisions at times, Lupe even wondered if he's made a mistake when he took the job that moved us down here. We don't know why the picture has played out the way it has. Maybe the experience at the other place helped in getting him in at Winn Dixie. Maybe God placed Lupe there to minister to some of the other staff or plant some seeds. Maybe God was using the whole situation to strengthen my faith. I don't know why, but I do know that as hard as it has been...I'm grateful for the process and for the opportunity to share how faithful my God is.

My NEED for ABSOLUTE Control!

I don't know what to do with myself!

It's a constant running joke between my family and friends- my NEED for control, and my inability to let go of it.

My control issues came to a head for me in the Bible Study I help to lead at church. We were discussing balance and how our husbands and children contribute to help. It was a major "A-ha" moment for me as I listened to the discussion. Lupe is wonderful, he contributes in many many ways- garbage, dishes, loading/unloading the dishwasher, laundry, making the bed, cooking, packing lunches, etc. My girls contribute (or so I thought)- they're responsible for picking up their bedroom, and keeping any and all toys put away in the APPROPRIATE and DESIGNATED space. I came to realize, during our discussion, that my girls were not really contributing enough- and it was all because of ME!

All of the other moms around me were talking about how their kids fold their laundry AND put it away. Here was my response (or excuse) to that.."..but it wouldn't be folded properly...they would just cram it in the drawers instead of putting it in the 'right' place...". (FYI: I am the one who refolded all the laundry after the babysitter had it done for me and my girls clothes are sorted very particularly in stacks divided for short/long/solid colored/printed etc.). The conversation then went to the kids unloading the dishwasher- my reaction (or excuse) to that one was pretty much the same as my reaction to the laundry. One of these mom's has a child younger than mine, and she helps too!

I had to sit back and evaluate WHY I can't allow my children (and sometimes my husband) to help and do. It pretty much comes down to the fact that I need it done exactyly my way! Sad, right?

I remember when we were unpacking boxes in our apartment, Lupe volunteered to go hang the shower rod. Easy enough, right? Not really something that can be messed up, right? That's why it's mind boggling as to why I followed him into the bathroom giving him instructions on how he should do it. Lupe finally turned around and looked at me and asked, "Do YOU just want to do it?". 

How much time, energy, stress, sleepless nights have I brought on myself out of my need to control everyone and everything around me? Because, believe me- when I am NOT in control, it can get pretty ugly. Sometimes, it comes down to trust and faith in God and in others- but sometimes, it's just stupid, petty stuff and NOT worth it!



Date Day!

 On Saturday, my husband arrange a "date afternoon"- lined out the babysitter, lunch, Christmas shopping, and a surprise. For my surprise, Lupe made me close my eyes until we arrived there. This was TORTURE! Even in church, when they tell everyone to bow their heads and close their eyes- I'll keep my head down but my eyes are open. I don't like "not knowing" (or something)! That meant, I couldn't tell him the best way to go, or where to park, and I couldn't even see if there was an oncoming car, or if I was going to stop in a pothole in my 4 inch heels! BUT, I was so proud (and Lupe was too) that I kept them closed and was very surprised as I opened my eyes to standing inside The Cheesecake Factory for my favorite Carrot Cake (I put on my FB status the day before I was craving it).

Well, needless to say- my girls are now folding laundry (and I'm trying not to refold it), and eventually they'll put it away (BABY STEPS), and are also unloading the dishwasher! I'm even letting them pick their own clothes out....sometimes! I love seeing how much they enjoy it, and even I enjoy it. I'm rediscovering that not only do my kids and husband need me, but I need them- and not only on MY terms.

I Just Want To Fix It

Lupe was hired on full time at Garden Plaza around the end of January. Some of this brought much relief and also brought some unease. Lupe was heading into a very new position, with very different (and some similar) responsibilities and expectations. He was working less hours, but managing a lot more people, and instead of feeding 1000's of youth and children- he was feeding 100's of Seniors. Anyone who has worked with Seniors knows that they can be very rewarding people to work with, and they can also be the most difficult and trying people to work with. Seniors have a tendency to complain, are bitter, lonely, bored,cheap, and critical (to name a few). Some of them are not that way, but for some reason it's hard to let the 75% of non complainers outweigh the 25% of complainers (and why is that?). Now, Lupe is a very positive person- one of the qualities I admire about him- He likes to uplift people, make each person smile, and make a difference in every persons life he comes in contact with.

As Lupe began this new job at this Senior Living Community- these wonderful qualities in my husband began to be "challenged". It was difficult to walk into that dining room every meal shift and be called to table after table hearing complaint after complaint (again, it's hard to hear the many positives over the fewer but louder negatives). I'm not talking about things like, "the meat was a little tough tonight"- I am talking about degrading, "can't you do anything right?" and "I wouldn't feed any food from here to even my dogs", etc. That's not to mention the typical demands of learning a new job and  managing over 30 employees.
It was so difficult to watch Lupe come home every day, his face was drawn and he just looked tired- not physically tired (although he was) but emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually tired. He had even lost, at times, his admirable ability to let things slide of his back and to look at things positively. I wanted desperately to save him, fix it, and make it better- and at times made me want to go beat some of those old people in the head with their canes and walkers. How could people be so insensitive, so degrading, so self centered, and just act so ugly- and some of them ALL of the time! There were some very difficult things that Lupe dealt with out at the ministry- but this type of negativity was rare.

One night, I asked Lupe- Has it been worth it? Do you regret leaving Texas? Did we make a mistake? Is our "New Life" a big flop? He looked into my eyes, and the look in his eyes immediately reassured me that it was all worth it, then he assured me he would of done it all again.
The next morning, I started pulling out a bunch of scriptures to pray over Lupe in the morning and throughout the day. Lupe started really tackling things at his job differently, not to say things weren't difficult- but there was a difference. Lupe was seeking wisdom, not just in his job- but in everything concerning us and the challenges and opportunities we were facing.
I have always admired and respected my husband, but I was given a new respect and admiration for him. I remember reading in 1 Kings where Solomon asked God for wisdom instead of riches and fame. I believe in a positive confession and God blessing us- but I believe God blesses us out of our obedience and heart after him- not because we are entitled or demand it. As things started (and continue) to fall into place, I thought back to Lupe always having a heart after God, and not always choosing the easy/obvious thing- but choosing the "right" thing- that is what God honors.

Lupe has now been in this full time position about 6 months, and the favor and respect he has received from his coworkers and employees is nothing short of amazing. Lupe has, and continues to, earn the right to lead his employees and to speak into their lives. When they call in sick, I smile with pride as I listen to him pray with them before he hangs up and then calls back before days end to check on them. He never asks one of his employees to do anything he hasn't done or wouldn't do. Even just yesterday, he spent 3 hours of his day off to go help one of his chefs move- not because he had to but because he wanted to. Lupe (and I) did not leave the ministry when we left Texas, we've just entered another aspect of it.
This part of our walk, has helped me realize- once again- that I can't do it! I can't! When I try to fix it, I fail miserably and become frustrated and angry- because I wasn't created to fix it. Once I sat back and realized that I wasn't capable- and looked to God and allowed Him to take control- things started to fall into place. So, I learned here, to STOP trying.......................................