Totally Missed The Point

It suddenly HIT me last night....I had totally missed the whole point! I do not usually do posts so closely together, but after my sudden revelation last night- I had to write an update!

If you did not read my post from yesterday, I will do a little recap.

I'm in the process of starting a new Bible Study at church, Me, Myself, & Lies: A Thought Closet Makeover. The study challenges you to become aware of your thoughts and how they affect you in the different areas of your life. After the awareness, you are challenged to change your thinking into what God says and to disengage from worry, anxiety, and negativity.

That process brought me to realize how negative my thinking was and the reality that I saw myself as unimportant, useless, talentless, not needed/necessary. It was very disturbing and pretty much shook me to the core.  I could not believe I did not serve any purpose outside of a wife and mother- not that those are not important and celebrated- but I needed to be more.

That discovery and revelation of my thoughts felt like I slammed into a brick wall.

It was not until last night while I was cooking dinner that the light bulb suddenly went on! I was doing it again- letting my and what I believed to be others thoughts and opinions of me control me. The premise of this study is to replace the negative "stuff" with what the Word of God says.

Jeremiah 29:11 (the verse I've been "standing" on), says the complete opposite of what I have been feeling, not to mention the many more verses that I read, and read, and read!!

It's almost embarrassing to realize how I so easily almost missed it all only to begin spiraling downward again. I do not really know what my purpose, talent, usefulness, or importance is- but, I can say that I know I have one- huge difference!

I have mentioned Ann Voscamp in my posts before, but I wanted to tell everyone about The Joy Dare: Count 1000 Gifts in 2012 . It is also an opportunity to change your thinking. Everyday of 2012, you are challenged to be grateful for 3 things. Ann even has a "prompter" for every day to probe your thinking. It is a "Dare To Live Fully Right Where You Are". Wouldn't that be incredible, to embrace and enjoy every moment to the fullest- from doing laundry to a sweet a gift? At some point, maybe at the end of the year, I hope to have my list of 1000 gifts and may even put them in my blog. I hope some will join me and grow with me....

Peeling Back The Layers Is Straight Up Ugly!

First, I will give a little up date on our situation. We are narrowing down our options on moving. We've pretty much decided we are going to move into another apartment for now, one that fits better with our finances. We have a couple we are choosing between. Continue to pray with us about the school zoning, we are believing that Tenly will be granted permission to stay at her current school even if it's outside our zoning. No, I have not started packing yet- waiting until we sign on the dotted line and it's official. Anyway....

The last couple days, I have not been the best person to be around. When I am "challenged"- by circumstances, my children, my husband- I just seem to break. It has not made me the easiest person to be around, to be honest. My frustrations are valid, by why do they seem to just knock me over?

One reason, I think, is because of some things I've uncovered...and I don't like it! I have begun reading through the book, "Me, Myself, & Lies", and it forces you to take a hard look at yourself.

There are many questions, in this study, about what I think of myself and how I view myself. After over analyzing the questions (as I do so well) and thinking way to long about my answers- I was a little shocked by what I saw as I pulled back some layers.

Words, such as: useless, needless, unimportant, untalented, failure, unsuccessful. Now, I am not saying all of this for attention and reassurance. Many people throughout my life have reassured me of everything opposite of those words- but for some reason I don't see what they see. I am at a place of having to reshape my mind to see and think what God sees.

I am a good mom and a good wife, but when my impatience and frustrations overwhelm me (as of lately), I no longer see a good mom/wife- I see an impatient emotional woman that no one wants to be around, including me. In those moments, it's easiest to just shut down and sleep or clean so I don't have to face "me".

I really want to discover what I am good at, what am I here for? I know I'm here to be Lupe's wife, and a mother to Tenly and Gianna. But, do I have any purpose outside of that?

I was asked a couple of weeks ago if I wanted to finish my teaching degree, my answer was, no. I do want to go back to school and have my degree in ...something. I have no idea what! Really, I do not know. That is so frustrating to me, to have no idea what I want to do. Is my purpose to throw myself into being a great Godly wife and mother?

I see different people and think to myself, WOW- they are so talented, what a great speaker, what an incredible athlete/singer/writer/dancer. I cannot fill in that blank for myself. What am I passionate about?- I'm not really sure.

Don't get me wrong- I know I am crafty, organized, and I do love being a wife/mother.

But, it was almost painful when I realized that what I tell myself probably more than anything is that I am not needed or necessary outside of wife and mother. I know deep down that that just cannot be true that I have no purpose outside of the obvious. So, I tried to try and think of where am I needed, where are my talents necessary, what am I so passionate about that it just oozes out of me, what desires drive me???? I could not come up with any answer to those questions.

Well, I am determined to grow beyond "this". I do know that God's Word and God's Plan for me does not include all of those words I listed above. As I made these disturbing realizations about myself, my first instinct was to close the book(s), shut off my thinking, and run. I was like, no wonder I am not successful- look at me- my thinking is so negative! It was just depressing realizing my thought process.

This is where I am beginning- but this is not the end. I am writing all of this to document this process, for myself- if it helps someone else, even better. To be honest, this was a very hard post for me- I am seconds from pressing delete- this is making me look just to transparent. Many of you may read this and be shocked by what I wrote- and that's fine- no need to write to tell me how backwards my thinking is (believe me, I know). Just pray for me and love me through this process- and you may need to be a little patient with me also, lol. Still standing on Jer. 29:11.

Talking to Myself...

I'm sitting at my computer rather late tonight listening to Tenly explain to me that I must dress her in a pattern: Dress, Skirt, Pants, Dress, Skirt. Because we are having this insane, but appreciated, cold front (45 degrees right now) in South Florida- her pattern is out the window and she has no tolerance of my explanation of why.

I've been doing various tasks today, most of them tying up loose ends of various phone calls and appointments. A few of the tasks on that list is due to the new Bible Study we are starting in our Mom's Group at CCC. Joanne and I are ironing out the wrinkles and getting excited about walking through a book by Jennifer Rothschild, "Me, Myself, & Lies: A Thought Closet Makeover" . While looking through various things, and talking to God about "stuff", I began to remember a couple of things that made me realize some of the reasons I was drawn to this study.

I remembered back to when Tenly was only a couple of months old, and I was a very new mom. I'm sure many will remember being somewhat emotional during the early months of "new" mommyhood. Tenly must have been between 6-8 weeks old, and while I was breastfeeding her I began to have a moment of very mixed emotions.

I found myself crying tears of joy over this beautiful miracle in my arms, then I was crying over how I looked (ya know-wearing sweats, no make up, hair in a frizzy pony, and my flabby tummy), then I was having anxiety! Anxiety over the way I was thinking about me. I had a daughter now, I had to be sure I raised her with confidence and a good self image- the exact opposite of how I felt about myself, and pretty much always had. I began to make a mental list over what/how I needed to do this: always tell her she's beautiful and smart, never say the words "fat" or "diet", never talk about how I truly perceived myself, only speak of being "healthy" not "thin", never judge others.... Obviously, that list could of been 10 pages long.

Although, I do agree with most of the things I listed- we all know it takes much more than words to teach, especially when our actions, attitude, and outlook speak so much more loudly. This took me back to many years prior.

Back in 1993ish, my self image started taking a nose dive. I had never liked the way I looked, but all of a sudden it became more important than ever and I became even more dissatisfied when I looked in the mirror. By the time 1995 came around I found myself doing everything I could to fit into my roommates Size 0 jeans- most days that meant I ate around 10 Ritz crackers and had a desert of excessive exercise. My image conscious boyfriend didn't help either. I'll never forget the day I dared to see how much farther I needed to go to fit into those 0's- I not only got them on, but they were baggy. I couldn't believe it, those jeans were skin tight on my roomie, if they were pretty baggy on me, did that mean I was smaller than her?? The scary part was, when I looked in the mirror I didn't see myself any smaller than when I began trying to get into those jeans- although I did proudly wore them to work the next day! All the people coming up to me telling me I was to thin, asking me if I was sick, asking how I did it never clued me in to my issue(s)- but the night I freaked out did.

I had been laying in bed trying to calculate how many calories I'd eaten that day- because I dared to eat a dry piece of toast and a cup of dry pasta- and I just knew I was not going to be able to fit into my skirt the next day. Before I knew it, I was digging through the trash can trying to find the pasta package, although I found it and it was only a whopping 210 calories- I was in panic mode and then found myself puking in the toilet.

Not to long after all of that, I became very aware of my issues. Getting "real" help was so crazy expensive that wasn't an option. After trying on my own and failing miserably, I cried out to God, when I finally stopped crying and yelling and whining, I started listening. I spoke to a friend who I trusted to speak into my life, she told me I needed to renew my mind(Rom. 12:2) - it wasn't a matter of just not thinking that way anymore, but it was a matter of replacing those thoughts with God's thoughts and my actions with positive Godly actions. It was almost to simple.

I dove into The Word of God fiercely, whenever I would begin to get overwhelmed I would begin quoting the Word or picking up my Bible and reading. I had a list of scriptures on "Who I Am In Christ", I quoted those scriptures religiously (no pun intended). It worked. There were times after, that I found myself struggling- each time I would eventually go back to the root- which is God's Word.

When I think of what I want for my daughters, first, I want them to have a close and intimate relationship with Jesus and knowing who they are in Him and through that impacting their generation. Second, is probably a positive, strong, beautiful self image and love for themselves. I do not want my girls, or any other girls, to go through anything close to what I did- and sometimes still do.

SO, I am thrilled to do this study and strengthen the words I say to myself. Did you know that people, on average, speak 150-300 words to themselves an hour? That is crazy!! It's made me very aware of the things I'm saying, and very aware that I need some major improvement! Over the next couple days, do a little evaluation of what you are saying to yourself- you may be surprised and then again, you may not.