Shutting Down

What do you do when you get some stressful unexpected news? I am realizing..again..that I tend to not deal with it well.

Yesterday, my husband called with some pretty bad news (I will spare you the details, but just know- it was money related, and not good.). After I hung up the phone, I found myself a bit short of breath and mildly shaking. Over the following 30 minutes I literally found myself shut down.

I was suppose to Blog yesterday, and after the "bad news" came- I just straight up avoided it. Today I can't even remember what I was planning to write yesterday- and to be honest, I had to force myself to sit down and write today. 

I guess I feel very vulnerable when dealing with something so personal.

I have been a born again Christian for a very long time, at this point in my relationship with God I should be beyond this shutting down thing. I should instantly begin quoting God's Word, 

" When I get really afraid I come to you in trust. I'm proud to praise God; fearless now, I trust in God.What can mere mortals do?" Psalm 56:3-4 (The MSG), 

and stand in Faith in complete Trust.

I must admit I didn't do that. I found myself saying this, "Why are we still here? When are we beyond this? Enough is ENOUGH!", and I said it more than once. Cried a few tears...more than once.

Eventually, I did call a friend who couldn't talk at the moment and would call back. As I hung up the phone I realized, I had yet to talk to God. It was a very good thing my friend couldn't talk at the time. I sat down, cried a few (more) tears and told God I was sorry and began to talk to him. 

There were several things that were brought to light in this situation that I was forced to "deal" with. My faith/trust issues (again), my anger and my husband and I lacking a bit of communication in certain areas.

I put some praise and worship on to help me get my heart and attitude focused where it should be. I instantly went to this song by Ricardo Sanchez, "It's Not Over"- I just let that song take root in my heart.

Financial issues are hard on anyone in any circumstance- it's never fun and can push you into a corner.

The hardest part for me yesterday was thinking of my girls. At first, I was having a bit of a pity party. There are several things I need...(I guess some are wants) to get for them, experiences I really want them to have (and they deserve to have) and we just can't do it right now. 

Every parent wants to do better/more for their kids than what they had/did- I think that's normal. That's what I was dealing with. 

At the same time, we are doing pretty good, especially in comparison with others. My kids have clothes and toys. Our refrigerator and pantry may not be filled to overflowing- but we have food. More than any of that, we have each other and we are surrounded with a ton of love.

We will be okay. I am continuing to learn to humble myself and trust God and put my faith in Him. He can and will do more than I can ever imagine or think if I give Him the chance to.

Keep us in your prayers, one day this will be another testimony of God's Faithfulness in our lives!

Stephanie: Determined To Be A Mom

No questions and answers today, rather a story. I asked my friend Stephanie to tell her story, and I will warn it is one of heartbreak and of celebration.

I met Stephanie when she was a student at Texas Bible Institute- Stephanie is full of life and fun! We were able to watch as Stephanie met the man that would be her husband- it was so special to see them fall in love and begin their life together.

When I first read the story you are about to read, I was overwhelmed imagining the difficulty. There is much to be taken away from what is written below, and I am so thankful that Stephanie (and Doug) was willing to tell their truth so that others can have hope…

"My name is Stephanie, my husband Doug and I will have been married for 4 years in November.  Before we were married Doug expressed to me how he wanted children, it was exciting to know that as his wife I would be able to give him his dream.  We talked about waiting until after our 1-year anniversary.  I began birth control and we were very careful. 

When the time came, I stopped the birth control and we did everything we could to conceive.  After a year of trying with no success, we decided to stop and just let it happen. I began to blame myself for not being able to give my husband what he wanted – that resulted in me locking myself away from him (I avoided letting him touch me or even have sex with me as much as possible) 

A few months later, in October 2010, we discovered we were pregnant.  We were overwhelmed with joy and couldn’t express enough thanks to God.  We were 12 weeks along when we decided to tell our family.  I was feeling great until one day at work I started to bleed and my mom told me we should go to the hospital and have it checked out. When we got to the hospital I told God whatever happens He is in control.  They discovered that the baby was only 6 weeks along, but my uterus was 12 weeks.  They could not find a heartbeat so they sent us home and told us to “let nature take its course”.  The day we miscarried was the worst day of my life.  It was so painful I felt like I was in labor.  When the baby passed, I caught it in my hand; it was so sad and I felt defeated by God and everyone in the world.  Eventually, I came back to reality we decided not to try again for a while.  BUT, we discovered in December 2010, that with no trying we were pregnant for the 2^nd time.  It was VERY unexpected and part of me wasn’t sure I was ready to do this again.  I was so shocked; I took 5 pregnancy tests to make sure I was seeing what I thought I was seeing, we gave all the glory to God.  We had our first OBGYN appointment in January 2011 that’s when we discovered that the baby had no heartbeat but the doctor was sure the baby was just too small to hear or even see one. So we waited 2 weeks and went back and that’s when we found out we lost another child. 

I felt like my life was over and I didn’t want anything to do with life or even God.  I stepped down from the praise team, from the youth and from all my responsibilities to do with the church.  I wanted nothing to do with God or the church.  I felt like God let me down.  I didn’t understand why ME or US in this case.  One day I was sitting at home in my own pity party thinking, I’m better than this.  So I got up and changed my mindset.  That day we decided to not try until we were ready and comfortable with the idea of being pregnant again. 

So in September 2011 we discovered we were pregnant again; a few weeks later in October 2011 we learned we had lost this little gift also.  My heart was overwhelmed with sadness and I was concerned that I would never be able to give my husband what he always wanted.  I felt defeated once again.  I told Doug that I was sorry; I felt like it was my fault because it was my body.  We once again decided not to try again; we were going to once again wait on God. 

In late 2011 we went to a high risk OBGYN she said we shouldn’t give up but maybe we should look into in vitro or something like that.  We decided for us this was way too expansive and we would just wait on God.  We had to completely give everything to God even the babies we lost.  We chose not to talk about the other miscarriages and just to put it all behind us.  I’m not going to lie, it was hard but we did it.  We decided not to be intimate with each other for a few weeks until we were ready.  So when the time came, we were intimate- just 1 time.  When God says it’s your time then it’s your time. 

On December 22, 23, 24 of 2011 I took a pregnancy test without anyone knowing.  When the first test came back positive I had to sit down because I just could not believe my eyes.  I called my mom and told her I was pregnant but couldn’t see how, we were intimate only once in the last few weeks.  She told me “Baby it’s a GOD thing.”  That’s when I knew this pregnancy was going to be different than any other pregnancy we had gone through.  I just knew God was in all this and it was only Him that could have made this happen. 

I held out telling Doug and the family till Christmas.  So, needless to say, it was a very exciting Christmas!  We had decided to not tell any other family or friends until we reached the “safe” point.  On our first OB appointment we were able to hear the heartbeat and it was in the high 160’s.  When we were 14 weeks Doug said I think it’s time to tell the good news.  So we did.  

This has truly been the biggest miracle and blessing we could have ever asked for.  We truly see why we have gone through this, Doug and I would not be the people we are today if we had not gone through what we went through.  I LOVE and respect my husband more today than I had ever thought I could.  He is my strong hand and I just know because of the man he is today that he is going to be the world’s greatest daddy any little girl could hope for.  We are truly blessed and with 5 weeks to go I feel love for this little girl like no other.  We can’t wait to see our AliMae Lynndi Billingsley. We wanted to give her a strong name so we named her after my grandmother who has passed away, Linda Mae Plaisance Cantrelle.  We are a close family and I have to think that she would be a proud great-grandmother."

Stephanie has agreed to do a follow up post after Miss AliMae arrives with tons of bragging pictures to go along. I ask that everyone who reads this will keep this incredible family in your prayers as they are about to embark on one of the best journeys ever…parenthood.

Forgiving "The Church"

Let me begin by saying, it has never been about The Church needing my forgiveness- but rather about me forgiving. This is not about 1 church in particular, but rather as a whole.
My family is coming up to an important anniversary (I will write about next week), reflecting back on this past year has caused me to reevaluate my heart and my attitude. I've realized I have forgiven "The Church"- this has been a long process......
I guess forgiving has come in stages for me..2 steps forward, 4 steps back at times. I remember when I started getting bitter and angry at "The Church", I was around 13-14 years old and was a "PK"- Preachers Kid.
It was a very hurtful time when all I really understood was that the actions of "The Church" were not what I had been taught. After that, I became jealous and angry at the time "The Church" took my parents away- sometimes justified and sometimes not. Then came a horrible situation that hurt my parents, and thus my whole family, so badly it seemed to take away my Fathers spirit for a long time and it was a long journey back for all of us.

It could be argued about who was right and who was wrong, but the only thing that matters is that people were hurt on all different levels- and I had to watch my parents struggle to recuperate for a very long time. It was during that time that I decided what kind of relationship God and I would have. I believe my initial statement was, "If THIS is Christianity, I do NOT want it.".
After awhile, my heart softened and I guess I forgave a bit and then decided, "Okay God, I will serve and love You- but I will never be in the ministry so You cannot ask or require that of me." I thought that was pretty reasonable, and it worked for quite sometime. I volunteered for things at the church, was a youth leader for awhile, and just served where I was comfortable.
THEN, God directed me to go to Texas Bible Institute, I clearly knew that was where I was suppose to be. It was during that time, I had some spiritual heart surgery. After awhile, I began to let God tear down the walls I had built up- it was then that I truly began to choose to forgive. My heart was lighter, and I was happier.

Many years went by, and I found myself engaged to the man of my dreams- it was almost comical that he was an ordained minister in full time ministry. Before we were engaged, we had conversations about our future, and we both knew that Lupe was not suppose to leave the ministry he was at yet- which meant I was going to be a ministers wife and in full time ministry. I have written before about some of my struggles throughout those years, some of my struggles came out of my past anger towards "The Church". Some of those struggles also came out of fear of what could be, and because those possibilities loomed in front of me, I made issues where I probably shouldn't have. I was just so determined not to let the past repeat itself with me and with my husband and children.
Once we left the ministry and moved to Florida, I found myself more calloused and angry than ever at "The Church". I had to finally draw boundaries, that may have unintentionally hurt others, but it was to help me and honestly protect them from being on the receiving end of my anger.

I say all of that to say this, I am beyond it. I love "The Church". Although, "The Church" has trampled and scarred my heart at times- it has also repaired my heart and carried me at others. I have had to realize, that as much as others have hurt me- I have also caused hurt and have been forgiven- how could I dare expect or take something I cannot give. I even feel ready to let others back in that I have pushed away, and except responsibility for the times I have not acted as God requires me. I mean, really, I will never have to forgive more than God has had to forgive me.
This has been a painful and tough road, but I'm so blessed and happy to be walking beyond the hurt others have caused me and the hurt I've caused others. Forgiving will not change the past, but it will enlarge my future.
 Visit Rediscovering Domesticity to see how others are dealing with "The Mess In My Heart".

(Part 2) My Horrible, Terrible, Awful, Bad, Disastorous, Unfortunate Choice!

If you have not read my previous post,"My Horrible, Terrible, Awful, Bad, Disastrous, Unfortunate Choice!" (Part 1, July 13 post), you may want to read that one before reading this one.

My purse was stolen in Miami, and we now realized these people had not only my license- but they had our checking account number and were using it, and they also had my Social Security number.

The next morning, after we realized they had our checking account number, Lupe was advised to head directly to the bank. After much discussion, weighing all of our options, they totally froze the account so that only deposits- nothing else- could happen against that account (since we had direct deposits going in within a couple days). We opened another account and transferred everything into that. The Saturday morning following our direct deposits going into that account, Lupe headed to the bank to transfer the money out of that account and close it.....or so we thought. Upon Lupe arriving at the bank and sitting down with their manger, it came to our attention that some bank teller in Miami had cashed 2 checks totaling over $3000. against our account (even with every red flag possible on that account). In other words, our account was now almost -$4000., and our rent was due! I don't think it is even possible to describe the amount of stress and emotion that was on our soldiers.

The bank graciously took full responsibility- that although we appreciated- their gracious responsibility wasn't going to pay our rent, put gas in our car, pay our upcoming car payment, or buy our groceries (that were getting very low). I felt like a knife was thrust into my gut the morning I took an Eviction Notice off of our front door. It was going to take they 7+ days for the bank to get the money back in our account. We now knew we were dealing with professional thefts and identity thieves. I quickly put the appropriate protection on my identity also.

We had our window fixed the very next morning after my purse was stolen, this was before all of this other stuff happened. I don't know if we would have done that if we would of know what was about to happen in the next 24 hours- but really- doesn't matter!
Because we were now so far behind on every bill, and have had to beg for extensions on almost every bill- because they were now getting back piled against us- we had to reach out for help on every level. We had to borrow from family, and our church- which they were all so willing to jump in and extend themselves. Not to mention, we didn't have medical insurance yet (3 more weeks)- and I needed insulin ($150. a bottle). I got creative, I had a bottle of long acting insulin (which is only used in combination with short acting- which I did not have). So, I went on a very strict diet of no carbs at all for about 4 days, so I could survive on only that type of insulin until we could scrape together the money to buy some short acting insulin- and I did it! Not the ideal situation- but I did it- against every doctors advice. Insulin is one thing I literally cannot live without, and it made me very angry to have to buy insulin for myself over buying food to put in my house.
Our most humbling moment, (which I don't think we've shared with anyone) we had to work to accept as "humbling" instead of "embarrassing and humiliating". As we stared into our empty pantry and coordinating still empty bank account- we had to go to a food bank to get us over the hump. That's not the easiest place to be- and it definitely required us to suck in our pride and think of the bigger picture, our kids and our necessities.
This is also when I decided to go back to work, which meant I had no choice but to pay the money to go get my license- something I had to have to work. In the long run this was going to push us over the top- but it also meant we were going to have to shell out the $40. to replace my license.

Believe me, it was more than one time that I, and Lupe (who rarely gets really angry) wanted to find these people and straight up hurt them! Forget praying for them, I didn't even want to consider forgiving them. I was beyond mad- it was that they had stolen from me- they had stolen from my children, from their well being! They had put us in position that we, and no one else, should ever have to be in. Even now, it makes me emotional thinking about it.
It took us months to recover from that ONE, horrible, terrible, awful, bad, disastrous, unfortunate choice. I still regret it. Although, I have finally forgiven the people who did this- I still struggle with forgiving myself. I, ultimately, caused this. Not that it takes them off the hook, but if I wouldn't have made that choice, out of convenience, it never would of happened. But, me living in guilt isn't helping anyone or anything- especially not me!

Regardless, here we are, almost 5 months later. We are well- our rent is caught up and paid, our electricity is on, our pantry is well stocked, there are a few bills we are still getting current on- but we are getting there and we are all okay! Our medical insurance is up and going- and we are grateful! I don't think I need to go over all the lessons we learned- I think most are obvious. God is so faithful, and he carried us through one of our most difficult times and gave us peace.

My Horrible, Terrible, Awful, BAD, Disasterous, Unfortuanate CHOICE!

I have made many choices that I am not proud of and have regrets of them. One of the things I learned at the Ministry out in Texas, is to see every situation- good or bad- as an opportunity to learn. I try really hard to implement that in my daily choices and circumstances. Some of my bad choices were huge and presented very tough life lessons, some have had minor repercussions but I still walked away learning something- even if it was small.

I have the perfect example from today! I had my hand "smacked" by the director of Tenly's school- Gianna fell asleep on the way to pick Tenly up- so I CHOSE to park near the door (not in a parking space) so I could run in quickly to get Tenly and not disturb Gia. Well, as I came out of the door- I see the director standing by my car- I instantly new I was in trouble! As she began to reprimand me, I attempted to explain (not excuse) my reasons for parking there- well, that just brought another reprimand as she informed me not only to not park there, but that I should not leave my sleeping daughter in the car regardless of how close and quick I was. I stood there sheepishly, saying "Yes, ma'am- you are right, it will never happen again!". As I got in the car, I continued to say, "Well, you could have said it nicely- I'm not a 2 year old...etc...etc..."! No matter how much her "delivery" of the reprimand irritated me- she was right! I kind of feel like I need to go buy her a card with chocolates and beg her to send me to parenting classes for being such a terrible mother- of course, none of that will happen. Anyway, bad choice and I did learn....not to make that woman mad...and a little more!

Anyway, the horrible choice I mentioned in my title was one we still feel the repercussions of. One of my oldest friends, Debra's, little girl was turning "1" and Gianna and I went to her Birthday Party in Miami after church one Sunday in March (Tenly had been disciplined that day and stayed home with Dad). Although, I am not familiar with Miami, I felt confident with my trusty GPS- that thing is like my BFF! The party was being held at a beautiful huge park on the water in a great area. As we arrived, I decided to park on the road right across from the park only feet away from us. I didn't want to carry everything in the park, so took only my phone, keys, camera, and the gift with us- which means I stuck my purse under the seat. I could sit here and reiterate how I tucked it all the way under the seat- it couldn't even be seen, and we were in a very populated area, it was in a 'good' area...but none of that matters considering our car window was busted out and my purse was stolen. The really sad part is, I kind of saw it happen- I saw a car parked beside my car (in the middle of the road) with the passenger door open, then a guy ran from in front of my car and jumped in the other car and it down a fast u-turn as it peeled out of there. It obviously caught my attention to the point I grabbed my keys and pressed the lock button to be sure it was locked- and it was- but I never thought I just watched a guy jump in the car with my purse! I was informed by the cops that the guys had probably been sitting there watching me from the time I arrived- that, honestly, totally freaks me out!

As Gianna and I said our good-byes and gathered our things together, we started towards the car- I instantly noticed that my dark tinted window wasn't there. Although I tried to consider that maybe I rolled the window down (which I never do), all I kept playing over in my head was that white car peeling away from mine- I knew exactly what happened.

Debra, Chloe, and Anthony- 1st Birthday!

I ran back, crashing the party with my bad news- I couldn't stop shaking. Debra's wonderful husband, Anthony, took control, called the cops, and checked on the car. I called Lupe (guess the cops should of been first), and he instantly got on the phone cancelling cards. We tried to get all the glass cleaned out of the car, Anthony put plastic up over the window and by 8pm (3 hours later) we finally left Miami (which we don't visit much anymore, lol). After I finally arrived home, fell into Lupe's arms and felt instantly relieved.

The next morning we felt drained but okay knowing we did everything we were suppose to do- called the credit card companies, and called the bank, alerted the drivers license office. That is, until Lupe tried to use his debit card and it was declined- he called the bank and was informed that someone tried to cash a huge check against our checking account- and they froze the account and flagged it again to be sure nothing could happen. They asked Lupe if I had a check or account # anywhere in my wallet- and THEN I remembered- my account # was written down on a Wachovia Card in my wallet- these people had it and were using it. It was then that I remembered that my SS# was also on an insurance card in my wallet- and we were warned that these people were acting like professionals and probably knew exactly what that number was.

I guess you could say, we were beginning to get nervous, concerned, and worried- and our prayer life increased over night. I wish I could say that was the worse of it....but it was only beginning! I'll finish the story on my next post- or else this is going to be WAY to long for one post!

What did I learn? NOT to leave my purse in my car- anywhere, anytime! Little did I know, that I was also about to learn get another lesson in trusting God , I was about to be VERY humbled, I was just beginning to get angry, and about to learn I had to let it go.